How can I get my fiance to start with me?

phoenixx866

I love my fiance. He's 26 and a wonderful guy. He's smart, funny, and has a heart of gold. His goal in life is to be a father and I (eventually) want to give him that.

The problem is that he is very overweight and *wants* to do something about it but at the same time... Doesn't.

Let me try to explain.

He's about 6'2" or 6'1". He refuses to step on a scale and I know next to nothing about pants measurements on guys, but he usually buys a 50 for a waist. When he takes them off I notice red lines by his waist -- so it might need a bigger waist size. I know he's over 300 lbs easy.

He's in college right now, going to school to be a video game programmer. His time at home is spent behind the computer, researching the latest games and trends, and programming in his programs for fun. His brother works for Sony in California, so he chats with his brother about new coding/gaming things. Truthfully, I'm a gamer too but I would rather play them than make them.

He knows I'm on a "diet" (I call it a lifestyle change, he calls it a diet) and fully supports me. He keeps telling me that he needs my help to make him lose weight too. However...

We don't live alone. We live with his mother and father, who are also overweight. His father doesn't want to do anything about it, and recently underwent back surgery. His mother kind of wants to do something about it but recently underwent knee surgery. His mother tries but tries the wrong way, e.g. 1000+ calorie salads.

So there's -always- unhealthy food in the house. In fact, I have to really fight to get healthy foods like fruits and vegetables in the house! I'm unemployed so his parents are gracious and kind enough to provide us housing and food until I get a job; however, it also means THEIR shopping list. I have to beg and plead to get apples or carrots.

On a given day, this is what I'll hear from the soon-to-be-hubby:

- "I'll start a diet after I eat X." / "I'll start when X is out of the house." (usually cheese sticks, cheddar popcorn, Snickers ice cream, jalapeno chips... but then more is purchased and the cycle repeats)
- "The only activity I like to do is walking." "Great, wanna go on a walk with me?" "Maybe tomorrow."
- "Amanda please help me lose weight." "(I say a suggestion for an activity or food)" "Nah not that."
- "I don't like strawberries, blueberries, watermelon, cherries, most apples, (list goes on and on)" {In his defense, he does like a lot of vegetables, but I can't get him to eat kale.}
- "I'm too fat to do X." (at this point I want to smack him because of everything ^ above)

The only diet that we were on that he loved and stuck with was Atkins. However, we don't have the funds/support to do Atkins since his parents both oppose it since they don't understand it fully. I'm nearly 200% certain that once we get on our feet he'll want to go back on Atkins again. However, I don't know when I'm going to get a job and have enough saved to move out so I'm looking for things to do NOW.

I'm desperate for your help MFP. He constantly complains what a fat slob he is and it hurts me so bad. He wants my help but rejects everything I offer him. I have nightmares at night about losing him early and not growing old with him. I know the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" but I want to try every possible thing I can do. I really need your help. I'm almost in tears as I type this. Please suggest to me anything I can do!!

rebeccaisafish

Unfortunately you can't. People won't change until they are ready to. All you can really do is keep looking after you and be there when he's ready. It's hard. I know.

Are you cooking meals? Sounds like your soon-to-be-in-laws are having a rough time in and would probably love it if you offered to cook twice a week. Plan it in advance and decide what you're cooking and tell your fiances mother that this is what you will need. That way they get a night off cooking, and you get to eat a healthy meal. You can even just adjust what they normally like so it doesn't seem like they are missing out just to eat healthily. It won't change everything, but one or two healthy meals for the WHOLE family is better than none!

If you are begging and pleading to have apples or carrots have you tried sitting down and explaining your needs to your fiance's mother? I know it must be hard when you're relying on them. You could also discuss it with your partner so he could explain it if that's easier? I feel for you!

JaimieAG

"Amanda please help me lose weight." Ugh so been there lol. Well the good news is that you can help a little. But as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. The good news is that he sounds like he wants to change he just doesn't have the habits formed yet. That takes time to develop.

Suggestions:
1. Prepare: Make his lunch and your lunch and offer to make anyone else's lunch who is interested too. Small swaps make a world of difference. Used to fries and cheeseburgers? Do chips and a homemade turkey sandwich with burger toppings. From chips do pretzels. From pretzels do a 100cal bag of mixed nuts and a cheese stick, etc.. Be mindful of nutrition but don't be too strict. Adding a bag of his favorite chips to an otherwise healthy meal is still much healthier than a whole bag of fried foods. For breakfast, have easy on the go stuff they can grab on the way out the door: protein shakes, greek yogurt, nutrition conscious granola bars, etc. And don't lose your cool if you find the lunch you spent your time preparing in the trash or left to rot in the back seat. You will have a clean conscience knowing you're doing your part and that you ARE helping. Even if it's only half a pound every other week, even if it's one home made lunch swapped for a fast food one. It's still a difference. You are helping to provide a healthy option. You'll get fitter in the process too.
2. Don't nag. I sometimes catch myself doing this. Weigh loss is a personal journey. Nagging or lecturing comes off as "I'm better than you" and that creates a weird snag in any relationship. People have google. Information is available. Just live by the good information you have and you will naturally demonstrate the benefits of your lifestyle. You wont have to say a word. If he asks well... then it's a different story .
3. Go out and do non-sitting non-eating things. This is really hard. People get together to eat and sit. That's just human nature. Go do something else. Go on a walk. Walk the mall in search of a hat or a cd. Attend a concert or festival. Go skating. Go to a haunted house. Go fishing. Play putt-putt. Get your nails done. Take a painting class. Etc. Just go live life, it's a great big world and you don't have to be a size 2 to enjoy it. Do it for you. Suggestion... don't ask "do you wanna." Because the answer will be no and you'll both be stuck on the sofa for the rest of the night bored, wanting something to munch on. Ask him to join you, you're already going to go. This might not go over well the first couple of times but over time it'll get much better and you'll make a lot more memories together. Couples bond this way.
4. Join a gym. Some people may disagree with this but our gym membership is vital. It's a place we can go together and then split off and do our own thing then compare notes later. It's a place we can play when we're bored and the weather is bad (racquetball, swim, basketball, etc.). Making time for the gym can be tough but just remember... people busier you are working out at the gym right now. Gyms are nice for people who are new to being active because you don't have to keep yourself motivated the whole way through your workout, you just have to muster up enough motivation to get to the gym. The environment does the rest. Our couch and tv and pastries aren't at the gym.

hearthwood

You can't convince anyone to go on this journey with you, because this is about you. Your fiancé will do it when HE wants to. All you can be is a good example, and hope he follows.

Taiser

Sorry to say but there is not much you can do. He lacks the motivation to help himself and lives with enablers (parents).... I was in the same boat with my wife *****ing all the time about my weight, I half-*kitten* tried things but never stuck to it, her complaints were ignored and often pissed me off. I was also a heavy gamer.

For me, it took a visit to the doctor and a diabetes diagnosis to kick my *kitten* into gear. My suggestion is for both of you to move out of that house as soon as you can (difficult I know), start buying proper foods and start moving. When I hit the gym, even though my wife is very healthy, she saw my workouts as motivations for herself and now works out often with me and is turning into quite the hard body, so you getting into shape might be a good motivator for him as well. Don't have to go nuts at first, even short walks to get going. Unfortunately the longer you guys wait the harder this will be in the long run, but the good thing is that it's never too late to start.

cwolfman13

You can't. People have to have their own "come to jesus" moment. All you can do is be a positive example.

itsbasschick

have you told him what you told us? how very much it hurts you when he calls himself a fat slob, and that you have nightmares at night about losing him early? tell him that because you love him, it makes you cry, that it hurts too much. you could also tell him that you really want his company on your walks, it would mean a lot to you, and that it will give you guys a chance to talk - and if he does go with you, don't nag about food and fitness, just talk about regular stuff.

or maybe you can get part time work to pay for atkins - babysitting or lawn mowing, even? stuffing envelopes?

Liftng4Lis

You know the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".
You can only lead by example.

srslybritt

Short answer: If he doesn't want to, you can't.

Have you told him that it's important to you that he be as healthy as possible? You can have a conversation about it, but weight loss is a delicate thing... you have to be careful how you approach it. I would say to run it past him, and if he's not into it, let it be. You love him regardless, right?

ETA: He may complain that he's a "fat slob," and I know that's hard to hear, but unless he wants and strives for change, nothing will come of it. He has to truly want it for it to work. Good luck to you.

fullersun35

Focus on you. Get healthy, get a job, move out, provide for yourself. Maybe the job first so that you can buy your own groceries. Either he will follow your example, or he won't. That is 100% up to him.

davidbernstein148

Find a way to get him to make subtle changes, try to convince him to increase his awareness. Him asking for help IS a good first step. Log what he eats, or get him to log it (and hopefully he won't start sneaking food), then show him his calorie intake and say, y'know, keep eating it, just instead of having 12 jallepeno poppers, have 11. Instead of three dollar menu burgers, try to have only 2, and see how you feel after that. If he's drinking soda (which he probably is, I know I did when I was over 300 lbs), try and switch him to the throwback variants (anything made with real sugar as opposed to HFCS), and then note his consumption changes (there are studies that show real sugar is better at satiating the sweet tooth and thus you drink less of it, for most people). The key is baby steps. My baby steps took me about 2 years to get to my current point, now I'm down 54 pounds from my peak weight of 328.7.

I used to do Atkins, it worked for me for a while but then I would plateau and if I was under stress and on the plateau I eventually cracked and said screw it. While it might drop you down some of the way I'm not sure it's capable of going all the way, for that you probably need to count calories. Also, if you do go the calorie count way, protein first, small bites, chew 30 times. I currently eat 6 ounces of boneless skinless chicken breast per meal, and sometimes that's all I need, I'm actually thinking of dropping down to 4 ounces and seeing what my hunger levels are after that, because I've lost so much weight I actually need to re-evaluate my calorie intake, but my delta is still fairly high so I probably will wait until I hit 250, which is 24 pounds away. I found.

I know my partner is incredibly grateful that I've started my weight loss journey along side her. At the end of the day you need to do it for yourself, and if they won't join you in this, what else won't they join you and support you with.

bergpa

Focus on you. Get healthy, get a job, move out, provide for yourself. Maybe the job first so that you can buy your own groceries. Either he will follow your example, or he won't. That is 100% up to him.

Agree 100%. He's got more issues than just weight and you can't fix them for him.

Nataliea87

This is the hardest part--having your significant other support you through your efforts! Of course, they're always there to say: "I'm so proud of you" or "I support what you are doing" and genuinely, wholeheartedly, do. But it can be so difficult when they have bad habits and you're around that all the time.

My boyfriend of 7 years is rail thin- he has Hypoglycemia, and eats Taco Bell at least 5 times a week. Other meals consist of pre-packaged dinners, and he's got an awful sweet-tooth, he'll by the jumbo bags of gummi worms, now and laters, and other various candies from Fleet Farm. His metabolism is through the roof, has a very active job, and doesn't even sit still when we get home, but he eats ALL THE TIME.

Planning a meal can be nearly impossible, since he doesn't like "anything green" unless it's "drowning in ranch". So, here was my tack:
He doesn't need to lose weight, but he DOES need to be eating more healthfully. We sat down and had a frank discussion. If he wants to be a father (which he does), he needs to start planning for the long-term, and that means sticking around for a while! We discussed how his habits affect both my dieting efforts, as well as my concerns for his well-being in the long run, and then began brainstorming ideas on how we can resolve this. Involving him in the discussion and the solution really seemed to help. He felt like he was participating in the decision-making, vs. having me dictate my desires to him. He acknowledged that he wasn't healthy (which was HUGE!) and, if not for himself than for his love for me, has decided that he is going to be more aware of his eating habits, and focus on making better choices. I'm not entirely sure this is sound reasoning, as I don't want him to come to resent me. But I took it as a step in the right direction, and I'm hoping that once he gets started, he'll keep going and find his own intrinsic motivation to continue.

So, here is what we decided:
1. No "Eating Out" for dinner unless it's Fri-Sun. During the week, we cook at home, and since it's summer, we almost always grill a protein, and a vegetable.
2. Every week, we pick out a new recipe from a website (I've got a list that I use, but most are paleo-friendly, since he's a huge "meatarian" and this diet just seems to fit well as a guide) and prepare it. If we like it, it gets added to our "favorite recipes", and if we don't, then we just scrap it and never make it again
3. He's agreed to limit his taco bell and candy intake to when he is at work/lunch. When he's home, we have healthier things for him to snack on instead, and this seems to be working well. Out of sight, out of mind if you will.
4. When we do eat out on the weekends, he can order/have whatever he wants. And I won't nag. I can (and do) try to make the healthiest choices for me, but he works hard and wants to eat fried pretzel dough with cheese sauce, he's more than welcome to
5. We cut our drinking during the week DRASTICALLY. As a couple who met at a bar, and are both admitted alcoholics, this has been the hardest. I used to have a glass of wine every night after work, usually followed by a beer or something. I'm replacing this with a glass of carbonated water, with a lime. And we BOTH cut out our beloved micro-brew beers. This is a special treat, maybe 1, for the weekend.

It's been a challenge! But because we're working at it together, and because we designed these ideas together, there is a mutual support.

Hope this helps!

ninerbuff

You can't. People have to have their own "come to jesus" moment. All you can do is be a positive example.

Lol, haven't heard that term in awhile.

But THIS exactly. I've trained lots of people who get fit and trim and their SO's don't mirror them. Same clients have asked the same question. My same answer..............................."they have to want to do it".

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Veil5577

Agree with everyone else. He has to want it. And to get what you want, sometimes you have to do.... or eat.... or not eat... things you don't want to. It's a sacrifice.

focusedonfitness2015

People can inspire us..but motivation comes from within. He wont do anything about it until he is ready. Be supportive of him but when his time comes, he will do it on his own..and not a minute before

dpwellman

. Please suggest to me anything I can do!!

Workout yourself. get a training program and stick to it. I read a stat that most married men lose weight when their wives do.

Lead by example.

SEAFOODMAN

you can't ........don't even try.................esp if he's over 300..............he will only do it if he wants it bad enough............and its not easy and a long haul......................but you can throw little hints out....lol......like you're worried about his health and you want him around a long time...............I know when I was married my wife was losing the weight...........and tried to get me............but I didn't take it serious and didn't really want to at that time lol................but now its all I think about............dropping lbs.......................good luck

_Zardoz_

You can't convince anyone to go on this journey with you, because this is about you. Your fiancé will do it when HE wants to. All you can be is a good example, and hope he follows.

This ^^^^^ His choice his decision

wibutterflymagic

There is nothing you can do if he doesn't want to help himself. It's all on him. You could try some tough love and next time he goes on about wanting to lose weight you can point blank tell him he's full of ****. Tell him everything you've ever suggested he poo poos and won't get off his *kitten*. You could also tell him that you are afraid of having a family with him because you don't expect him to be around very long and you would end up being a single mother trying to raise small children.

I think if it was me and someone got in my face and said they are afraid for me and my health I would listen. But even after all that it is all on him. Until he truly wants to do it, it won't happen.

__hannah_

When I decided to lose weight my husband was also overweight, but not as much as I was. He wanted to lose some but didn't want to put in any effort. He puts in a lot of screen time for work too. He wont exercise or count calories, but he relies on me to cook for the most part so I sort of log his calories for him and have been slowly lowering his calories to reasonable levels and changing up his food a little/just serving him slightly smaller portions, but still allowing him to eat the things he loves, like ice cream. He has lost almost 40 lbs since January just by eating less.