Making a committment to weight loss & Keeping your friends

rmb040

Hi All,

I am trying to be really dedicated to losing just a little bit of weight - 5 to 10 pounds - and get better with my strength and endurance training. I keep running into the issue that I feel I need to find an excuse for social events and I feel like everything my friends want to do revolves around drinking or eating huge amounts at really unhealthy places haha. I go along and usually just have a glass of wine or one or two beers, and try and order the healthiest thing on the menu, but then get really anxious about whether it fits into my calories/macros, and usually get made fun of or asked a million questions I don't really feel like answering haha.

I'm super fun even when I'm not full on drunk, but I feel like if I'm not ripping shots with my friends or drinking more when everyone else is drunk, others are percieving me as less fun SINCE i'm not drinking and its like they assume that I couldn't possibly be having fun if I'm not drinking. I'm usually still having a great time!

Has anyone run into issues like this? Any tips for making it all work? Or finding people with similar mindsets as you?

itsbasschick

there was a recent dear abby that reminds me of this.
http://news.yahoo.com/woman-doesnt-drink-weary-friends-050112636.html

me, i don't drink or smoke anything, and have been a vegetarian since 1994. i never make an issue about these things, don't agonize over what to order on the menu (i know all the things i can eat on the local menus in advance) and made sure to always be sipping a soda water, and when my friends party, i'd hang out and have a blast - and because i was having a blast, no one perceived me as being less fun. do you sit there worrying about what you eat and panicking over the menu while hanging out? that probably isn't much fun to be around unless you're with fellow dieters.

btw, have your "friends" actually said you seem like less fun or is that the way you feel they perceive you?

rmb040

Nah no one has said anything its always just like "i wish you were drinking more!" "I wish you were getting drunk with us!" "I want to see you go crazy one night!" and then going out to eat its like "oh you would order the salad!" But thats just not really me haha I'm always having fun on a little buzz

rmb040

And like don't get me wrong - I will splurge when we go out - pizza, burger, etc, but I just dont feel like I can do that all the time, especially when my friends want to go out to eat 3-4 times a week !

knitapeace

Sounds to me like you're just much more mature than your friends. You're making well-reasoned choices and don't "owe" them getting drunk for their benefit. At the same time, you're not depriving yourself either. From the perspective of twice as far down the road, agewise, I say well done, stick to your guns, and don't apologize or feel bad. Your dedication will serve you well in all areas of your life.

lwill01

Itsbasschick nailed it. You could also offer to drive. I cherish my friends who don’t drink for that reason alone.

Vupe

Hey there, I had a circle of friends that would be out nightly and even hit it harder on the weekends...to the point of embarassment. Embarrassing funny not total black outs This is in my younger days and I really liked them all I just didn't feel the need to get that juiced. So I asked my step mom for advice because I felt pressure on the drinking side of things. She is a non drinker/social occasional but 1-2 drinks. She said, "I'm high on life babe", I don't need alcohol to have fun. I think she really meant it, old hippy she is. It is not going to make you the group snob if you want to eat an Ahi roll instead of pizza or a Salad with a glass of wine instead of several shots or beers. If you feel pressured, I would hold true to your gut feeling. Try to keep eating the way you feel is right for you. If they actually say something to you...it is nice to be mentally prepared before hand. You already see it as an obstacle. You can still have those friends and my bet is you will attract more by holding your ground on how you feel about things. Hope I am helping and not sounding like a know it all!

kimberlyblindsey

My husbands's friends all did the same thing, were just always so anxious to see me really cut loose, and I am kind of a control freak by nature, so I order my salad and get my two drinks for the night and wait it out, so I can drive my husband home. However, a couple years ago I had one too many Mai-tais at a pool party with the same friends and I was sick, threw up and was on the couch snuggled with the dog for the rest of the night, so yeah they don't try to get me to drink any more;) It's not as fun as they thought it would be.

akaMrsmojo

There is a great site called Get Drunk Not Fat, http://getdrunknotfat.com/ that will help with the drinking thing. As for worrying about asking about eating too much and avoiding temptation, that is tough. Maybe only go out with them once week.

Periops

I've run into similar issues with my social scene in the last year or so revolving around bars and dining out (trivia nights, etc). In the last handful of weeks as I've ramped up my exercising again, I've been cutting back pretty drastically on calorie intake and have had a few friends question why I'm not slamming back several beers. My response to my real friends is the truth -- I'm trying to get healthy, and limiting calories (plus exercise) is the road to my goals. Those folks understand and accept it, even while occasionally poking fun at me for not drinking as much.

To acquaintances who make comments or ask questions, my answer is just that I'm being more conscious of what I'm eating/drinking because I have two vacations and wedding coming up this year and I want to look good when I go. For the sake of those conversations, people I don't know all that well don't need to know that it's a permanent change in my habits, and appealing to vanity usually works well to end the inquisition... I do get some "Oh, I could never give up X" and I just say "I haven't given up anything at all. I just have it less often."

davidbernstein148

This is actually a really big problem that people in the bariatric community have noticed (Personal note: I was thinking about bariatric surgery, but never went through with it, but still go to the support groups for it with my wife). A lot of people who change their lifestyles to be more healthy will notice that it tends to alienate some of their friends, or in some cases they even lose their spouse over it. This makes sense if you consider it in an alcohol/drug addiction perspective, typically if you're an addict your friends are also addicts, so if you kick the drugs and alcohol you're not doing the same "fun" things they are, and thus you alienate from the group which wants to perpetuate that behavior. Some also take it as a threat to their ego, oh well you're trying to be better than me, so therefore you're attacking me and I have to get you to stop to make myself feel better. This is especially common in spouses, some of whom get jealous and then wonder if the person who is losing weight is going to leave them.

You're only losing 5-10 pounds though, and I assume you'll revert back to your old diet in some form afterwards. The key is simply to find a way to communicate that, and then when they say you look great at your current size, thank them for the compliment but tell them you're still going to stick with it until you hit your goal lest a 10 pound gain turns into a 20 pound gain, then a 50 pound gain, then a 100 pound gain...

allie_00p

Sounds to me like you're just much more mature than your friends. You're making well-reasoned choices and don't "owe" them getting drunk for their benefit. At the same time, you're not depriving yourself either. From the perspective of twice as far down the road, agewise, I say well done, stick to your guns, and don't apologize or feel bad. Your dedication will serve you well in all areas of your life.

^^^ this gal, she knows

I think everyone goes through that time at some point, there are your "party" friends and then there's friends that will grow with you, you keep some you lose some along the way, but it's usually for the best. If this is a permanent change, then put effort into the friendships you want to keep, and if you not drinking or eating the same foods is that big of a problem for them, then it should become pretty clear whether they're the friends you should keep around or not.

saynay18

When it's time for everyone to hit the pool in their bikinis....they might be rethinking all those comments they made!! You do what you want ! Have fun, enjoy yourself....you're young. These friends might be creating habits that could lead to problems with their health and weight. Hate to say it....but....that's what happened to me. Tons of beer and bar food...and cigarettes. I've definitely had to limit that since I've been losing, and I rarely miss it. When I do miss it, I get drunk! Just can't do it every weekend

You might just find yourself finding some new friends....people who are like minded in their behavior. That's ok too. Good luck!

rmb040

Thanks everyone for your responses I'll just keep going with it - I usually am a driver but some places are really expensive to park the car so we usually just cab. I'll keep everything you guys said in the back of my mind, and keep my eyes open & trying new activities in my new city to try and meet as many like-minded people as possible.

whyyesitsneke

Just be firm and strong.

You don't NEED to justify anything to them - I personally quit 'drinking' (getting drunk, as one or two is nbd once in a while) and my friends were very curious. It got to the point where they would pressure me about it.

The biggest thing that worked for me, I found, was sitting down with a few of them and explaining that I couldn't any longer. Once a few sympathized, then if the others bugged me they would defend me (not always, but "leave her alone" was common). And now, two years later, nobody even asks anymore.

oxers

I just take the gentle ribbing. We have different choices and my friends are usually cool with it. I got dragged out to the Olive Garden (eughhh) the other night, and my friends all went ape**** on the wine and alfredo and taste of Italy and what have you, and I opted for the whole wheat linguini with a light tomato sauce. There was the old "ha ha, look at Bree bein' healthy" and I just laughed along. No one means it viciously.

I go out with my friends, but I exercise a little more restraint than they do, especially if we're going out frequently. If they really were insecure about it or had a genuine problem with my eating habits, there'd be an issue, but some teasing here and there is pretty par the course.

Besides, everyone loves the sober girl. We get everyone home safe!

And then blackmail them the next day.

bkthandler

A huge part of this is your age group. No judgement we have all been there.

Start finding and suggesting restaurants that have a broader menu, always check ahead. Make it about the new hot Thai place or Swedish/Equadorian fusian and not that they have more than one thing on the menu that isn't stuffed with cheese and deep fried.

Look for activities that are more active, even dancing. There are even 5k's with a drinking component. We have several beach volleyball places (and I live nowhere near an ocean).

Alidecker

It does sound like you are more worried about it than your friends. I found that to be true with my really close friends. They knew I was trying to change my ways and were very supportive. Work friends were a little more difficult, but still not bad and I didn't let it get to me. I have made a lot of friends in the gym and at fitness classes that I hang out with and they don't pressure to eat unhealthy or drink too much, granted they do drink, just generally not in excess.