Classmates dislike me and it's driving me crazy!!

lindsaylee

So, I'm not the type of person who goes out of their way to make friends. i think it is probably a defense mechanism from when i was in school as a kid. i tend to keep to myself and am friendly, but i am not what you would call social or a "joiner". i've always been fat, and have been 300-345 pounds for the last 5 years...

i'm currently finishing up my last 5 months in grad school and i'm finding the other students are really not liking me. i am in a program with 30 students, and everyone is pretty close with each other, except for me. this was a conscious choice in that i dont enjoy study groups, don't do the bar/pub thing and am pretty much content being by myself. i enjoy my own company. i am also a good student, and am the antithesis of a procrastinator.. for instance we have 3 weeks until the end of term and i was done all of my work for the semester in the middle of october, while everyone else is struggling to finish up. this is not because i'm a genius or anytihng,b ut rather that i have no real social life and manage my time very well. i'm actually working on a project for a class that doesn't even start for 7 weeks.

so most of the people in my class are friendly, i.e. they smile, say hello etc. but there are a few people in class that won't even say hi and won't even acknowledge me. there are 2 people that completely ignore me, even though we work at the same place! they won't say hi, will look at me when i say hi and give me that grimacing fake smile thing, drives me nuts! or they will come into the offic eand say hello to everyone but me or say have a good weekend to everyone but me. today, it snowed here in vancouver and one of the girls i thought was pretty nice is on my facebook. she posted something about the snow being wet and slushy. i wrote that that's the only type of snow we get in vancouver. instead of responding, she deleted my comment! i just dont understand... it's not that i want to hang out with these people, because i don't like to hang out with really anyone, but i am a nice friendly person, and would like to have my smiles and hellos reciprocated. then of course because of my weight issues, i start to thinkthat it's because i'm fat which just leads me into all sorts of negative sefl-talk.

i talked to my mom and she tells me just to ignore the people who are snobby, but it's not in my nature. if you're sitting beside me in class, i'll smile and say good morning... i might even strike up a conversation with you. just because i don't want to hang out doesn't mean i'm invisible. anyhow, i'm just upset and upset that it's bothering me. I'm 32 and in college. you'd think i'd be done with the petty popular group crap by now...

so i deleted my facebook account today and am just going to keep to myself for the remainder of the course. there are 5 motnhs left, and i'll be frienly, but i'm going to try not to let people ignoring me bother me...

thanks for the advice.

WonderNoodle

Wow...THOSE PEOPLE have a problem! Rude! THEY have a problem, not you. Don't delete your facebook, just delete the people who aren't genuine friends.

I'm truely sorry you've been treated so poorly. Don't think you have to withdraw because others are jerks, when you meet enough people, some of them are bound to be sincere and friendly :flowerforyou: .

I think you'll find MFP to be a truely supportive place to work on your weight loss and find genuine friends.

Cheers! :drinker:

cef957

Just keep smiling!!! You know the real you!

vickiele1

often, the non-traditional students are snubbed by the younger students mostly because the younger ones just aren't mature enough to step out of their own self absorption. I always have been an introvert and have never joined in all of the other "activities" the other students engage in. I, however, did excel in college, the professors loved me, and I graduated with honors - so what is more important to you - these people you will likely not even remember in 10 years or the excellent education and awesome grades (GPA) that you can put on your resume? Maturity takes time - and these other students are obviously very immature. I did volunteer in the writing lab and math lab in my college - that was great, because when those students had to come in for help = I felt really good about myself.

Hang in there - you will be okay.

Vickie

WTFitness

Some people can be so horrible... but they'll get there's. Just try not to let them get to you, do the things that make you happy

Sharonbed4d

People can be so mean! Don't get discouraged by how other people act. I think people who act like that have a problem and are not even worth the effort. I wish you luck on the rest of your education, keep strong!!

Tasha1476

I hope things get better for you! Like others have said, it seems like they have the problem, but the only thing you can do is keep being friendly and try to remind them if they don't want to talk to you, it's their loss.

bsmith1

There are just some people that haven't grown out of middle school yet and still run in cliques and get pleasure out of being rude. Continue to be friendly to everyone. Pardon the expression... Kill them with kindness. Best of luck to you on your weight loss journey.

nursevee

Well... I'm not saying you contributed to this but sometimes, the "getting-to-know-you" stuff happens outside of class. I went through college with 2 small children (as a single parent) so I understanding not wanting to hang out at the pub gettin' boozed with younger classmates and indeed, there were people I didn't get along great with. I did try and make time for the study groups. They were pretty good, it gave me a chance to interact with the other students and I felt it gave them a better understanding of WHY I wasn't into the social life.
I mean, that doesn't really explain why they'd be out-and-out rude but perhaps they perceive you as being a little standoffish. Not that that explains the really obvious stuff so my suggestion would be to forget it. You're doing well in school, have all your work sorted and sometimes it's just better to kill them with kindness. That way they've got nothin'... and I mean nothin'... Maybe it'll make them re-think their behavior.

lupuslady

You do realyze that not everyone likes to take the effort to be friends with people they don't know. Because you are large they may think you are the one who is not friendly. I wish you would pick one person and make an effort to talk with that one person and share some of your thoughts and problems with that one person.

last_chance

WOW. People really are mean. I know what you mean though, people do treat you differently when you're fat. I've seen both sides... I've been thin and somewhat pretty, and I've seen how guys used to look at me and even other girls talked to me. Now that I'm fat (again) guys don't take a second look at me. The so- called pretty girls won't have anything to do with me. I don't think I was like that when I was thin.... so apparently these girls have never been fat. I'm in college too and it's just like high school!! Ridiculous.... Hang in there though girl, we're all here for you!! And you CAN do this!!! We all can

tiffanygil

I understand what your saying. Unfortunately even past grad school into the work force you will have to deal with this crap. If you dont fit the mold people want you in you are not going to be well liked. If your too "........" this causes conflict for others small brain. The good news is that there are exception to every rule. You will find more tolerant loving souls out there. And please promise me you will NOT DEFINE yourself by their standards. I did that for so long and when I broke free I saw who my true friends were. Cliche as this sounds, 1 good friend is worth 1000 more than 1000 fake friends.

And when you meet your goal you will relish with delight the looks on their face when they see you again, I know that I have been very vindicated by that very thing

Good luck
Tiff

platoon

Their loss! It's obvious that you don't need these people... leave them to continue to wallow in their rude and shallow stupidity...

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

sarahsmom1

I'm 57 and in college I weigh 345 I was very lucky my daughter was in sports and a lot of the students knew me as Sarahs mom. I don't hang out at bars I don't drink. But I found I was making friends buy being in study groups and in group projects. In Interpersonal my group consists of an 18 and a 24 year old. Just acknowledge the students next to you they will warm up. I have found others in art classes that like to go to museums so we went together shared gas. Just be your self. You will be fine all you have to do is try and find a common thread. Best of Luck

pattybond1234

How awful! So sorry to hear that people are being that rude to you. I can understand how you feel. Last year, I started a new job after losing my previous 19 year career to a massive lay off. People just don't talk to me, period! At first, I thought it was because I was the new girl. But, they still don't speak to me. I'm much like you...a loner, don't do the bar scene, am not adept at being social, like to keep my nose to the grindstone, and don't mind being alone. I have now determined that if they are that rude, that uncaring and that petty, I don't need them in my life. And, now at age 45, I have gone back to college but am doing it online. The main reason being that I need the flexibility; but, another reason was I just didn't need to deal with the cold shoulder routine in yet another avenue of my life. But, never, never put yourself down and don't take it personal. People are just rude and mean and we have to deal with it every day in almost every situation. Kill 'em with kindness, as my mother always used to tell me. One of these days, when you say hello to someone, they'll return it and you'll find that true friend. Feel good about yourself because of the wonderful person you are and because you're doing so many things to make yourself even better.:bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

jtsmou

Not going to sugar coat this for you like everyone else.

It sounds like you have isolated yourself from the rest of the class from the beginning, and people got the message over time that you just weren't interested in them (being perfectly content to exist in your own little world) regardless of if that was your intention, though I think on some level it was, and like the majority of people in that situation, so you could validate some feeling of victimization.

It's easier to shuck responsibility when you can paste it on the other guys.

You acknowledge that you have this "defensive mechanism" as you put it. Now people are telling you that the other people are rude, and are the ones with the problem (further validation for you, but of no real help), but honestly, to expect any other reaction from your class is ridiculous. Why should they go through the effort now, when you have declined to participate every other time? I don't think it's a case of them not liking you so much as they have probably become indifferent.

Sad fact of the real world is that there are always going to people who don't like you. Another fact that you are going to have to contend with is that people are cliquish by nature, they form groups for the same reason you isolate yourself. The only difference is the driving mechanism behind the actions, one being instinctual, and one probably being emotional.

You aren't going to have friends by sitting alone in your house every night reading a book. Social interaction of any kind requires some degree of active participation.

Not trying to be mean to you here, that's just how things are. There's more than one aspect to treating others how you would like to be treated, if you want people to be more social and friendly toward you, then you have to give the same. There will always be a few who just don't want anything to do with you for whatever reason, but in those cases just move on.

sallyLunn

So, I'm not the type of person who goes out of their way to make friends. i think it is probably a defense mechanism from when i was in school as a kid. i tend to keep to myself and am friendly, but i am not what you would call social or a "joiner". i've always been fat, and have been 300-345 pounds for the last 5 years...

i'm currently finishing up my last 5 months in grad school and i'm finding the other students are really not liking me. i am in a program with 30 students, and everyone is pretty close with each other, except for me. this was a conscious choice in that i dont enjoy study groups, don't do the bar/pub thing and am pretty much content being by myself.

Honey, we reap what we sow. You said yourself that you made a conscious choice not to get involved socially in both the academic (study groups) and the purely social, going out scene. You are getting your work done and that's great, but what you aren't doing is making connections that may help you in your future and you aren't making friends.

I'm thinking that they find you aloof and not a team player. You've not made any real effort to get to know these people and to become "real" to them. This is a situation that has nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with how you have conducted yourself.

The classmates who do smile back and say hello are exceptional people. The ones who don't are average and perhaps a little rude, but not exceptionally so considering.

When you join in a study group, you give off the vibe that "we are all in this together". That's were bonds come from. You are giving off a vibe that you are in this alone. You can't fault people when they respect what you are putting out there.

lindsaylee

ok, maybe i should clarify... I'm not seeking "friends" out of my classmates, I just don't understand how i can smile and say hello and be ignored. I know i probably brought the isolation on myself, and i take resposibility for that. I LIKE BEING ALONE! but, I'm not playing the victim by trying to understand why a smile or friendly jesture is not reciprocated. although, I do understand your points. they are valid, and hleped me to understand why theri attitudes are the way they are. thanks all!

jtsmou

People will do that, they will also look you in the eye and lie about doing what you just saw them do a moment before.

ana70

I am reading a book called "There is nothing wrong with you" - it is about ending self hate. And the book is right, there is nothing wrong with you. Develop a compassionate voice inside your self when you are around these people and be your own best friend. I too like solitude and sometimes the company of other people. Remember : THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!

With your weight....don't let it hold you back. Be proud of who you are, fat people are often invisable. I am 40 going to college and I am overweight and I sort of like it. I no longer care what people think of me. Good luck to you.

soze

I understand what your saying. Unfortunately even past grad school into the work force you will have to deal with this crap. If you dont fit the mold people want you in you are not going to be well liked. If your too "........" this causes conflict for others small brain. The good news is that there are exception to every rule. You will find more tolerant loving souls out there. And please promise me you will NOT DEFINE yourself by their standards. I did that for so long and when I broke free I saw who my true friends were. Cliche as this sounds, 1 good friend is worth 1000 more than 1000 fake friends.

And when you meet your goal you will relish with delight the looks on their face when they see you again, I know that I have been very vindicated by that very thing

Good luck
Tiff

Success is the best revenge. My former psycho boss found out I passed the CPA exam and it drove her nuts. It may be a sin but lordy I enjoyed hearing about that. After I reached my goal weight I'm sending some pictures to my friends there. hehehe bad bad Soze.

To the original poster. We don't like you either. Only kidding. Look not everyone is going to like you no matter what. That is just the way it is. Frankly if people at work don't want to socialize that is good. The fact you know this is even better. My personal thoughts are if you are with someone at work you are at work. Always be on guard for the ones that smile at you. I've had a few tough lessons. Finally I think they have sunk in. I had one guy who I use to play golf with undercut me at work like I have never been undercut before. I turned in a suggestion that saved the company 63k a year. I had confided in him because he was "my friend" so I thought. He sabotaged me and I received no award. He told the executive in charge that was the normal course of business. I would have gotten $1,000 after taxes. He did many dirty dirty things. One of the most manipulative people I ever met.

Excuse me for making some suggestions. It is never any good to be a loner. We are social animals. Get out and meet some people. Join a hiking club or bowling league, or golf league or whatever hobby you enjoy. You will gain friends and learn some really good social skills. Mom's are great but that is the Choir.

All the best to you!

Soze

soze

So, I'm not the type of person who goes out of their way to make friends. i think it is probably a defense mechanism from when i was in school as a kid. i tend to keep to myself and am friendly, but i am not what you would call social or a "joiner". i've always been fat, and have been 300-345 pounds for the last 5 years...

i'm currently finishing up my last 5 months in grad school and i'm finding the other students are really not liking me. i am in a program with 30 students, and everyone is pretty close with each other, except for me. this was a conscious choice in that i dont enjoy study groups, don't do the bar/pub thing and am pretty much content being by myself.

Honey, we reap what we sow. You said yourself that you made a conscious choice not to get involved socially in both the academic (study groups) and the purely social, going out scene. You are getting your work done and that's great, but what you aren't doing is making connections that may help you in your future and you aren't making friends.

I'm thinking that they find you aloof and not a team player. You've not made any real effort to get to know these people and to become "real" to them. This is a situation that has nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with how you have conducted yourself.

The classmates who do smile back and say hello are exceptional people. The ones who don't are average and perhaps a little rude, but not exceptionally so considering.

When you join in a study group, you give off the vibe that "we are all in this together". That's were bonds come from. You are giving off a vibe that you are in this alone. You can't fault people when they respect what you are putting out there.

You said that so eloquently. I'm with you.

Sweet13_Princess

AW, don't feel bad. I understand exactly where you're coming from. I've always found myself being socially awkward around other and always would second-guess myself after conversations. I would mentally scold myself for, "Why did I say that?" or "I must have looked like a total idiot" and even "I shouldn't have bothered, I don't think they like me."

Most of the time, I've found that it's just me being hypercritical of myself. I've always kind of lived in my own world and marched to the beat of my own drum and people perceive that sometimes. Does that make me a weirdo? No, that makes me an individual. I'm learned to accept that some people won't always connect with me, and that's okay. It's the people that make the effort to understand me and enjoy what I can bring to the table that makes spending time with them worthwhile.

In any case, don't be upset about the Facebook thing. Behaviors on there seem so isolated compared to the real world. The girl may have just been cleaning up her wall page. I get all kinds of crap posted on there all of the time, so sometimes I delete stuff just to make it more organized. If it bother's you, unfriend her.

I wouldn't delete my account though, just because someone may be a jerk. There are people out there that want to connect with you and you're cutting yourself off by doing that. I also wouldn't give up in your grad classes by isolating yourself. You won't get as much out of the course, in terms of sharing ideas with others. You're paying all of that money, so don't put yourself at a disadvantage! There are probably other students in there that want to get to know you, but are gunshy about approaching you. Keep trying and you'll eventually seek them out. And if you meet a few stumbling blocks along the way, just considering them a speed bump on your radar to finding better company.:-D

Shannon

christabeltoria

I agree with the poster who said that you can't be sure what happened with your facebook post. Sometimes, I'll be sure I've made a comment in reply to someone who's written on my wall, and it won't appear. That's when I discover that I've forgotten to press send!:noway:

soze

Not going to sugar coat this for you like everyone else.

It sounds like you have isolated yourself from the rest of the class from the beginning, and people got the message over time that you just weren't interested in them (being perfectly content to exist in your own little world) regardless of if that was your intention, though I think on some level it was, and like the majority of people in that situation, so you could validate some feeling of victimization.

It's easier to shuck responsibility when you can paste it on the other guys.

You acknowledge that you have this "defensive mechanism" as you put it. Now people are telling you that the other people are rude, and are the ones with the problem (further validation for you, but of no real help), but honestly, to expect any other reaction from your class is ridiculous. Why should they go through the effort now, when you have declined to participate every other time? I don't think it's a case of them not liking you so much as they have probably become indifferent.

Sad fact of the real world is that there are always going to people who don't like you. Another fact that you are going to have to contend with is that people are cliquish by nature, they form groups for the same reason you isolate yourself. The only difference is the driving mechanism behind the actions, one being instinctual, and one probably being emotional.

You aren't going to have friends by sitting alone in your house every night reading a book. Social interaction of any kind requires some degree of active participation.

Not trying to be mean to you here, that's just how things are. There's more than one aspect to treating others how you would like to be treated, if you want people to be more social and friendly toward you, then you have to give the same. There will always be a few who just don't want anything to do with you for whatever reason, but in those cases just move on.

Tough crowd! hehe You are spot on. You know you look like a martial artist, intensity.

I often tell book worms to get out and do something. They will have no career or will not be able to deal with the slightest conflict until they learn some social skills. I have seen this first hand!

suzukigrl

So, I'm not the type of person who goes out of their way to make friends. i think it is probably a defense mechanism from when i was in school as a kid. i tend to keep to myself and am friendly, but i am not what you would call social or a "joiner". i've always been fat, and have been 300-345 pounds for the last 5 years...

i'm currently finishing up my last 5 months in grad school and i'm finding the other students are really not liking me. i am in a program with 30 students, and everyone is pretty close with each other, except for me. this was a conscious choice in that i dont enjoy study groups, don't do the bar/pub thing and am pretty much content being by myself.

Honey, we reap what we sow. You said yourself that you made a conscious choice not to get involved socially in both the academic (study groups) and the purely social, going out scene. You are getting your work done and that's great, but what you aren't doing is making connections that may help you in your future and you aren't making friends.

I'm thinking that they find you aloof and not a team player. You've not made any real effort to get to know these people and to become "real" to them. This is a situation that has nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with how you have conducted yourself.

The classmates who do smile back and say hello are exceptional people. The ones who don't are average and perhaps a little rude, but not exceptionally so considering.

When you join in a study group, you give off the vibe that "we are all in this together". That's were bonds come from. You are giving off a vibe that you are in this alone. You can't fault people when they respect what you are putting out there.



well, there is some truth here. i know when i extend an effort, put myself out there so to speak, i get more acknowledgement than when i don't. believe me, it's not your weight. i say hi to people all the time or at least look at them when they pass me. people, i swear, are programmed to look as if they don't see you. that's so stupid to me. happens daily though. i work in a hospital. i'll pass someone and speak and get ignored. lol. hello, i'm right here. lol. there is always going to be that few that truly are "snobs" and "jerks". but out of 30 people? it sounds like you may be doing a little self-loathing. keep being yourself but maybe try a little harder. i'm sure they're mostly good folks. and if you delete your facebook? what message does that send to the friends you have on there? i don't need you. leave me alone. if you send that message, you'll likely get what you asked for. i hope this didn't sound harsh.

sarahsmom1

If your going to college you can also take a Interpersonal comm classes and it gives you a heads up on how people act and react to to things. Not all people find it comfortable to be smiled at or even acknowledged. You never know what has happened in someone life. We all do not respond as we would. That's why we mostly are friends that have the same ways of life, like of food, and the same interests. We feel more comfortable. If you afraid of water and that's all you friend is interested in I don't think your going boating with them. When we become friends with people with different thought and likes we don't hang out or talk to them as much.

MisdemeanorM

ok, maybe i should clarify... I'm not seeking "friends" out of my classmates, I just don't understand how i can smile and say hello and be ignored. I know i probably brought the isolation on myself, and i take resposibility for that. I LIKE BEING ALONE! but, I'm not playing the victim by trying to understand why a smile or friendly jesture is not reciprocated. although, I do understand your points. they are valid, and hleped me to understand why theri attitudes are the way they are. thanks all!

Also, we're not there, so we can't see and be sure, but make sure that they are actually ignoring you and that you're not imagining it. Are you smiles and hello perceivable or timid and they might just honestly not hear you or realize that it's directed at them? A little smile and even a 1/2 wave and a mumbled or timid hello - you may think that you're being ignored, but maybe they have no idea you are taking to them. Just putting that out there to be sure you are not putting more on yourself than is there.