Dieting to the point of the start of an eating disorder

charny164

I am writing this to get it off my chest/mind – please don’t judge. I am not looking for remarks or comments of any kind. I am hoping that if you find that you are in the same boat – maybe you can relate. I just wanted a safe place to put this because I can’t talk to anyone about it and I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want anyone who knows me in person to know. Sorry this is so long....

I wanted to lose 10lbs before my business trip to New York in October. I started seriously dieting at the beginning of September and I was able to reach my goal – actually it was 11 lbs in a month! I knew most of it was water weight but still. I had tried to get rid of those pesky pounds for about two years. I restricted my calories. I heard of a diet called 2468. So I checked it out, read through the information and thought okay, I can try the “8” part of it for now. It worked like a charm. Was tired for the first few days and it really wasn’t that difficult and I drank so much water I thought I was going to drown. Not hungry at all.

I came back from New York, continued to lose more weight – not really on purpose. Okay….. kinda exciting actually. I then found when I would eat, I would be sick. So terribly ill to the point of cold shivers and non-stop shaking. The stomach pains felt like a knife tearing my stomach open. Nothing would stay in my stomach for longer than an hour. About a week later my boyfriend for twenty years and father of our two children decided that it was time for him to leave. Okay, not totally opposed (wasn’t the best relationship anyway). No appetite at all now. I can go all day without a hunger pang.

To appease my children (17 and 20) they bring me food to eat and I do eat it. They know it has to be very small portions. They also know how sick the food makes me when I eat more than just a few bites at each meal. Let me be clear - I do not make myself ill. I think my typical day calorie count is about 400-500 cals per day. I am looking forward to in the next week being in the 140’s. I weigh less right now than I did in high school.

So, here is where it gets really interesting.

I have lost 24 lbs since September. None of my clothes fit and I feel like I look fatter than ever!!! I used to weigh 240 lbs years ago and lost it and maintained a healthy weight for about 5 years, between 168-172, which is good for me being 5’ 8” and a larger frame – I’m also athletic. I am now at 151 lbs – a far ways away from being underweight. But, under my eyes are dark circles (covered by makeup so no one else knows) and red veiny eyes. I am tired all the time, I go to work, go home and take care of the family and chores, then I play soccer twice a week. I don’t sleep – maybe 5 hours a night if I am very lucky.
When I look in the mirror, the only things I see are a huge butt, thighs and belly. I see nothing else. I don’t like to be in front of the mirror for that long so I always put my short hair in a ponytail but I have to do my makeup. 10 minutes only or the eyes start to wander to other parts of my body.

Last week, I ended up being on the field and taking a shot to the ribs and my teammate patted me on the back to assure me I would live and she freaked out. She grabbed my jersey pulled it to look at my back. She said you can see my spine. Wore a **** out to a party that was cut off the shoulder and that’s when I noticed you can see my collarbone - under my neck until the pointy part top of my shoulders.

The saddest part of this whole thing is that I like it. I can’t tell you how amazing it was to go to the store and the medium is too big. I bought it anyway - that’s okay because I don’t want people to be worried about me so I will wear clothes a little too big and I will wear layers. I don’t want anyone to notice actually. This is mine. I control it. This is for me and no one else.

superwmn

No judgement. We're here for you

Please talk to someone. A professional. Get the help you need with the disordered eating/body image.

Eating food and getting ill/shakes sounds like what I experience during a gallbladder attack. You may be experiencing gallbladder issues in addition to the eating disorder.

***hugs***

Charmagne

alantin

I really have a hard time figuring out how to respond to this..
I would suggest seeing a doctor though. To me this sounds like some kind of a physiological issue rather than an eating disorder..

And what the h**l is 2468 anyway if it can screw you up like that? :noway:

AngelSharum

No judgement. We're here for you

Please talk to someone. A professional. Get the help you need with the disordered eating/body image.

Eating food and getting ill/shakes sounds like what I experience during a gallbladder attack. You may be experiencing gallbladder issues in addition to the eating disorder.

***hugs***

Charmagne

I agree with Charmagne. I do wish the original poster all the best and hope you get help. You are worth being healthy AND happy.

♥Faerie♥

I agree with superwmn.....get help now, before this train of thought consumes you...trust me, I know it all too well.....I can say that too much for me is never enough...no matter the number on the scale, no matter the comments made to me, it will never be enough.....I have been like this for as long as I can remember, I have my good days....but, please try to stop this while you are still somewhat ahead of this disordered thinking.......while I can related to you completely over the joy of being about to see and feel bones, I know that it is not healthy to think that way.....this is a downward spiral that you are on, and while you think you have control, control is the last thing that you have with this disease....

lotusfromthemud

Please seek professional help. I believe that you haven't "started", but are in the throes of a disorder. Especially your ideas about possession/control speak to this.

Please, please, please talk to a professional.

2bFitNTrim

I know you said you weren't looking for any comments, but I think you need to get help. I think you know you need help too. Please, please seek it. No judgment, just concern.

lutzsher

Since you are also having sleeping problems you really need to talk to someone. You can start with your family doctor who can usually recommend someone, or if you have a plan at work there is usually a resource.

Be kind to yourself and understand that you DO have emotional issues you need to take care of. Your kids depend on you for an example so show them that sometimes people do need some outside help when they are at a loss what to do.

Good luck.

bonnienm

I agree. For you kids sakes if not your own, see a doctor/therapist! Have a family member with an eating disorder and it is difficult and sad to watch. Good luck maintaining your HEALTHY weight!

eillamarie

I've been in your position, a few years ago I did the 2468 (I'm assuming you mean the 200, 400, 600, 800 calorie cyclic diet?) as well as only letting myself have liquids, only fruit & veggies, eating about 2,000-3,000 calories a day less than what I needed to function as an elite athlete. I am also very tall and have a medium/large frame so nobody noticed that I was losing weight.
Sweetie, you need to get some sort of support or professional help. My disordered eating was a contributor to ruining the best thing I had going for me (my swimming career) and made me very depresses (or the depression made me eat this way, either way it doesn't matter, I wasn't eating properly). It's not worth it hun!

Love
Allie OXOX

alantin

And what the h**l is 2468 anyway if it can screw you up like that? :noway:

Okay..
I googled it and, man, that was scary stuff! :noway:
No wonder it can affect you long after..

emmerrs

A professional trained to deal with eating disorders would be able to offer so much more/better advice than I can, you really should go speak to someone about the choices you are making.

Just keep in mind that being skinny isn't the most important thing. If you want to be healthy and strong you need to eat.

I think another poster had said it best, you deserve to be healthy AND happy. Best of luck in doing so, this community is here to support you.

NoAdditives

You definitely need to see a therapist and/or doctor about this. The bottom line is that it just isn't healthy and if you continue on this way you will die, your body will simply shut down. Maybe not for a while, but it will happen. You have children who love you, need you, and care about you more than anything in the world. For their sake as well as your own, you need to get this under control and it's not something you can do on your own.

alantin

Also, if you feel up to it, MFP could be a really fantastic resource for helping you reach high enough calorie goals for the day. If you want to gain .5 a pound a week or something similar you can adjust your goals to fit that.

Or to come up with a nutrition rich diet to maintain the current weight. You said it was healthy?
Although, I'm sure you'll see some weight gain while getting there.

DancingYogini

No judgement either! I fight with this also, and if it weren't for my family I would probably let my obsessive nature put me in a full blown ED. I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time about 5 years ago, and ended up with gall stones. So like superwmn said, the digestive issues you are having might be gall bladder related. The 2468 diet is really a recipe for anorexia, to be brutally honest. Living on that low of a calorie intake is making your body shut down to protect your vital organs. It does work, because you do lose the weight, but you are now experiencing the down side. I am sorry you are feeling so horrible. Low energy and depression go hand in hand with low calories...at least in my experience. Some of the behaviors you are exhibiting, like wearing baggier clothing to hide weight loss, and eating only to appease family/others are huge red flags that you need to go talk to a professional. Losing weight is great, if you need to, but only if it is done in a healthy manner. I know how addicting it can be to lose a lot of weight, and watch that scale drop lower and lower. Your goal weight keeps dropping and you find that you never are satisfied: " just one more pound and I will be happy"....I am sending you lots of (((hugs))). You can get through this, and find a way to be healthy with food. :flowerforyou:

DancingYogini

It also sounds like you have body dysmorphia, which I also have. You look in the mirror and see something that is not there, like fat rolls, when in fact your bones are sticking out left and right. It is awful, and goes along with having an ED.

naidanueva

For sure, you should get help! I liked what Fairie said about you being tricked into having control...but that is really the last thing you have.

In a tough time in my life when I was in a place where I couldn't control my circumstances, I began to control what I ate. I dropped almost 40lbs in 2 months by eating almost nothing. I felt addicted to the praise I received for the way I looked. I was happy. But I was getting more and more "colds" and all sorts of random symptoms and so I started trying to eat more (after one episode where I was so sick I almost died). But since my stomach wasn't used to much food, I would feel extremely sick (not to mention guilty, and afraid, mostly because I felt I was losing control). So some practical advice when you begin to eat more, try liquids first (smoothies, soups), and know that you have nothing to be afraid of. I had to tell that to myself so many times.

Yes, get help for yourself, do it for your family. Negative thought patterns are hard to break, but NOT IMPOSSIBLE. That's what I love about life...the HOPE we get every new day.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You are worth it!

LotusF1ower

I am writing this to get it off my chest/mind – please don’t judge. I am not looking for remarks or comments of any kind. I am hoping that if you find that you are in the same boat – maybe you can relate. I just wanted a safe place to put this because I can’t talk to anyone about it and I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want anyone who knows me in person to know. Sorry this is so long....

I wanted to lose 10lbs before my business trip to New York in October. I started seriously dieting at the beginning of September and I was able to reach my goal – actually it was 11 lbs in a month! I knew most of it was water weight but still. I had tried to get rid of those pesky pounds for about two years. I restricted my calories. I heard of a diet called 2468. So I checked it out, read through the information and thought okay, I can try the “8” part of it for now. It worked like a charm. Was tired for the first few days and it really wasn’t that difficult and I drank so much water I thought I was going to drown. Not hungry at all.

I came back from New York, continued to lose more weight – not really on purpose. Okay….. kinda exciting actually. I then found when I would eat, I would be sick. So terribly ill to the point of cold shivers and non-stop shaking. The stomach pains felt like a knife tearing my stomach open. Nothing would stay in my stomach for longer than an hour. About a week later my boyfriend for twenty years and father of our two children decided that it was time for him to leave. Okay, not totally opposed (wasn’t the best relationship anyway). No appetite at all now. I can go all day without a hunger pang.

To appease my children (17 and 20) they bring me food to eat and I do eat it. They know it has to be very small portions. They also know how sick the food makes me when I eat more than just a few bites at each meal. Let me be clear - I do not make myself ill. I think my typical day calorie count is about 400-500 cals per day. I am looking forward to in the next week being in the 140’s. I weigh less right now than I did in high school.

So, here is where it gets really interesting.

I have lost 24 lbs since September. None of my clothes fit and I feel like I look fatter than ever!!! I used to weigh 240 lbs years ago and lost it and maintained a healthy weight for about 5 years, between 168-172, which is good for me being 5’ 8” and a larger frame – I’m also athletic. I am now at 151 lbs – a far ways away from being underweight. But, under my eyes are dark circles (covered by makeup so no one else knows) and red veiny eyes. I am tired all the time, I go to work, go home and take care of the family and chores, then I play soccer twice a week. I don’t sleep – maybe 5 hours a night if I am very lucky.
When I look in the mirror, the only things I see are a huge butt, thighs and belly. I see nothing else. I don’t like to be in front of the mirror for that long so I always put my short hair in a ponytail but I have to do my makeup. 10 minutes only or the eyes start to wander to other parts of my body.

Last week, I ended up being on the field and taking a shot to the ribs and my teammate patted me on the back to assure me I would live and she freaked out. She grabbed my jersey pulled it to look at my back. She said you can see my spine. Wore a **** out to a party that was cut off the shoulder and that’s when I noticed you can see my collarbone - under my neck until the pointy part top of my shoulders.

The saddest part of this whole thing is that I like it. I can’t tell you how amazing it was to go to the store and the medium is too big. I bought it anyway - that’s okay because I don’t want people to be worried about me so I will wear clothes a little too big and I will wear layers. I don’t want anyone to notice actually. This is mine. I control it. This is for me and no one else.

You really do need to see a doctor before this gets any worse, the dark rings under your eyes is most likely the result of a serious deficiency of some mineral. The reason you do not sleep very much is because your brain is worried sick that your body will not wake up and so it will not let you sleep, if you do manage to drop off, it will not be for long.

The mind is a very powerful tool, unfortunately, it can work against itself as well as for.

OGFleabag

I hope for you and your children's sake, that you will talk to somebody. This will destroy not only your life, but also their life. They love you and need their Mom.

bsoxluvr

((BIG BIG HUGS)) I think a lot of the other posts have said it already, but please know you are not alone and you can take control again.

Best wishes.

playfortoday

It sounds to me like you do have really disordered eating, and probably body dysmorphia too. I'm obviously not a doctor or anything but i have had an eating disorder for the part two years and I urge you not to let this get any worse, please. It might feel nice for now, being in control and feeling like you having some kind of secret, but the long term health problems and misery you'll have are nowhere near worth it. Please, go to a psychologist, and a nutritionist, and take good care of yourself.
I wish you the best.
Hugs.

hannah_lin

I understand where you're coming from-- I'm struggling with the same thing. You can see all my ribs in the back and front of my body (even between my breasts), my hip bones stick out and you can even see my veins in my stomach and arms. Yet I still feel huge and disgusting. I feel like my butt and thighs are massive. I feel like I can never look thin and that most girls are much thinner than I am. My family tells me it's not true and that I should gain weight, but the idea of that sickens me... it's hard to know whether to trust what your eyes tell you or your friends/family.
It's tough-- hope you feel better!
*if you notice weird hormonal symptoms, black outs, hair loss or unusual hair growth, those are some serious signs that you're malnourished-- in this case, seek help immediately. you can die of a heart attack from an ed.

fuzzymel

I think because you wrote this you recongise there is a big problem here. Thats good because some people never realise until its too late.

Please go to see your doctor. If you don't feel you can say everything then print out your post and hand it over to your doctor.