Can I rant in here?

Caperfae

I don't know where to put this issue.

I've been doing the healthy lifestyle thing for almost a year. I started last January. My husband was away working from April to October so he wasn't here for the majority of it.
He's clueless.
Yesterday he informed me that he's too fat and he's now going to starve himself in order to lose some weight. Now, we ALL know that's not the way to do it and I've expressed my opinion to him. He's stubborn and doesn't think you have to eat to lose weight. I'm not going to get into the details because if you're reading this, you're a member here and you know how it works.

I started to fall off the proverbial wagon when he came home because his food choices aren't the best. He drinks a lot of pop and there's always some in the fridge, he buys pies and cookies almost every time we get groceries. I was on pop again but stopped last week AGAIN but every time I look in the fridge the cans are staring at me, calling my name.

I will confess I don't have the best willpower .. not at all. If it's in the house, it's eventually going to find its way into my mouth at some point.

He refuses to eat anything with "organic" on the label and skips over those "healthy" aisles in the grocery store. That's making my lifestyle change difficult but I'm making the best of it. I just disappear down those aisles and come out with an stash of what I want to eat.

So then I buy Weight Watchers brownies and HE eats them! Hellooooo they are for my chocolate cravings.

I don't know how his new starvation thing is going to work or how long it's going to last . He does eat, just not well. A bowl of cereal when he comes home from work ... saves me from cooking up something he won't' eat I suppose.

Anyway . .there's no real point to my rant. I just had to get it off my chest because it irritates me and he stresses me out (and I'm a stress eater) so if it's out there I"m hoping it helps alleviate that stress a bit.

If you've made it through this post ... bless you, LOL

kiuney

I'm not sure if it's easier to train an adult or a cat, but either way, you're got a battle on your hands.

Your husband seems hell bent on doing this HIS way. Which is fine. He's an adult and he's allowed to subsist on Twinkies all day if that's his choice. Your offer of help has been more or less refused so your plan action becomes about setting boundaries for yourself. You need to ask him for his help in meeting YOUR goals... which means very specifically "Do not eat my WW boundaries" or "Please let me do the grocery shopping and tell me what you want."

I sympathize with you. Good luck.

piquilter

Of course you can rant! I made it through the whole thing I wish I had some wise words of advice for you, but I don't He doesn't sound like he's ready to be realistic about the journey or join the rest of us on MFP. Maybe try to at least substitute WW desserts for the other bad dessert choices and leave them in the store? Will he join you in exercise at least?

StacLegg

Hugs to you! I completely understand!! :sad:
Our 16 yr old daughter and I are working our tails off at the gym @ 5am - 3 days a week....
my husband brings home caseys donuts, m&m's, pop........... Grrrrrrrrr - totally defeats the purpose for paying all this money for gym classes and losing sleep and working so hard!!!
Thanks for letting me add the the rant! I feel better!!! :flowerforyou:

malvakai

OOh I have the same problem, my husband insists on pop, cookies and ice cream almost every day and if it's here I'll eat it. I just dont buy it but he either comes home with it or whines about it all night.

roseymacdoo

LOL I know the feeling, I buy things like Snack-a-Jacks and fun-size Milky Ways to be my treats then my hubby and kids eat them all!!

C x

raelbee

Unfortunately, all you can do is educate, and the rest is up to him. I would buy him the Eat Clean Diet for Men book by Tosca Reno and let him soak that in. Maybe it will give him something to think about, and lead him towards making healthier food choices.

http://www.amazon.com/Eat-Clean-Diet-Men-Ironclad-Physique/dp/1552100561/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290616608&sr=8-1

"With the huge popularity of the Eat-Clean Diet among North American women, the question kept arising: Is Eating Clean okay for men? It may seem a silly question--after all, a healthy diet should be appropriate for anyone, right? But the question is in no way silly. Most diets don't work for men because men don't eat the way women do. Men don't like to go hungry, they don't like to live on salads, they don't like excluding food groups and they don't like counting calories.The Eat-Clean Diet for Men allows men to lose weight and get healthy while freeing them from all those dieting evils!"

blackmamba886

Mine insists that there must be ice cream and/or oreos in the house. Lucky for me i don't really do ice cream. I'm always cold and it makes me colder so no problem there. Oreos though... well if I ask him for one I get the third degree since he knows what I'm not supposed to be eating. If I steal even one when he's not looking... he actually knows (I swear he counts them) and I get all kinds of grief. :ohwell: At least mine is trying to help.

Caperfae

Thank you.

No he won't exercise. Even refuses to walk anywhere and refuses to do Wii Fit even though I've asked him. I just want to see him do the Hula Hoop, LOL
While he was away, I didn't have a car so my daughter and I were forced to walk to get groceries .. carrying home 2 to 4 bags at a time. Talk about a workout!
He will circle a parking lot twice in order to get a parking spot closest to the building.

No wonder he feels chubby. He doesn't eat right and isn't physically active. He just turned 40 in June and I was hoping that would resonate with him to get more active. His 60 some year old father is in better shape than he is.

I refuse to let it bring me down. I will carry on with my daily workouts. Already logged 30 minutes and 335 calories this morning. I am doing this for me. I just wish he'd be better about it.

Maybe he thinks once I get a nice body that I'll be more attractive to other man and he's worried so he thinks if he sabotages my efforts it will take me longer. HAHAHA!

Anyway, I love MFP and thanks for the support

pinksocks73

I totally feel your pain....my story goes just a bit deeper:

In Sept 2009, my 37 year old husband had a heart attack. When he came home from the hospital, everyone in the house was supposed to change "ways" because Jason had to. I didn't mind...you're my husband, I will do this to help you. Not so easy convincing an 11 yr old boy that all of these sudden and drastic changes are in fact, for the better of everyone.

Those changes lasted about 8 weeks. My husband has gained all his weight (plus some) back. We go out running errands and need to stop for a bite to eat, I get a plain hamburger and a plain tea. Husband gets a bigmac meal super sized w/a coke....oh yeah! and a cheeseburger on the side. Soooooo hard for me to:
1. smell and not want some
2. not go the hell off on him because he is slowly killing himself

Now, to touch on point #2 up above....my husband, as of late, has begun commenting on my personl quest for better health. Things like "I'm too fat for you to be attracted to" and "you don't want me because I'm the fat one now and you're not". We went out a couple weekends ago and when we were driving home, he was dropping F-BOMBS like mad because some guy asked me to dance? (hint hint Husband dear....when I ask you to dance, don't say "no", someone who wants to dance could be in earshot of our conversation)

Anyone ever have to deal with a jealous spouse because of improving your own health?

mem50

I can relate to certain items. If it is the house it will wind up in me. Hubby likes to eat my Diet foods that I purchase. I got some snack items for work and they disappeared. I was like, mystified for a bit thinking I was eating in my sleep again. Then he says.....I forgot how good those applesauce packs were and the cottage cheese things with pineapple are great. Dear, I says, those were for my lunch at work. He just smiled at me. :grumble:

With the pop I could care less, never drank the stuff so having it in the house makes no never mind to me. He has his cookies and I have learned to avoid them (mostly):laugh:

So yes you can rant here. We are here to listen. Plus it is therapeutic, helps to keep us away from the food if were are typing away. That and knowing we are not alone in our struggles is another big bonus.

Wishing you all the best.

Scorpiomom222

The ONLY thing you can do is lead by example. It'll be painful at times, but stick to your guns and he'll see the way soon. My husband hasn't seen the light yet, but I hope he will soon.

lutzsher

I would do the grocery shopping without him!

You cannot convince someone of anything, they have to see it for themselves. The only thing that you can do is ask him to NOT purchase any of those unhealthy things and put them in the kitchen in support for your goals. If he does not want to eat healthy for himself maybe he can keep that stuff out of the house to support you.
No one is going to do this the healthy way until they really want to. Your only option is to try to get him to support your choices, and lead by example. Once he sees how well you have done maybe, just maybe, he will want to know more and follow your example.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink!

My husband was diagnosed with a few health problems about a year ago, the biggest issue was that he was pre diabetic (type 2). If we immediately adopted a very healthy lifestyle and he shed some weight he had some hope of reversing it and not becoming a full diabetic. He whined and moaned for 2 weeks while I went through the kitchen and got rid of everything but healthy options, consulted a dietician and nutritionist, and read, read, and read some more about the correct things to do, how to prepare food, etc. Finally after 2 weeks we were eating lunch and he started in again complaining about all the things he had to give up. . . . I LOST it on him . . . I yelled and then cried like a baby and told him that I could not just sit back and watch him slowly kill himself. If he was not willing to embrace these changes then he could just go and start packing because I loved him too much to watch him slowly die in front of my eyes. He was shocked! He never realized how much this effected me as well and from that day he never complained and embraced everything wholeheartedly. He is now only about 20 pounds away from his ideal healthy weight, his health is excellent, he is off all medication, and his blood sugar is now better than most people.
If my stubborn, set in his ways, opinionated man can do it Im positive that yours can too. Tell him that it isn't about weight, it is about HEALTH . . . and feel free to share my story.

Good luck!

GorillaNJ

Yes us guys can be a pain in the *kitten*! When he starts to fail on his starvation diet point out that he could be eating more of something that is better for him. Give him examples by making something delicious and healthy.. Maybe he will change his mind.

As for the pop and sweets I would put my footdown if I were you and not let him have it in the house if it that big of an issue for you. Luckily my wife fully supports me on having no junk food/soda in the house... the only junk food she will get is things she and the kids like that I do not, like potato chips.

The other alternative is for you to put your footdown with yourself and not indulge in the pop/sweets... It is hard, very hard but not impossible. Just think how much sugar is in even just one glass of soda, and grab a glass of ice water instead! I am very proud that I did not touch one piece of Halloween candy since Halloween. It was sitting in a bowl on the dining room table but I just would not let my hand reach in there... not even for a single Reeses Peanut Putter Cup or Butterfinger.

You Can Do It!

blel0906

Thank goodness my husband is on board with me otherwise this would be very difficult...also, he likes regular coke which I can't stand..I only drank diet and gave it up..have no problems avoiding regular soda.. Our biggest battle is over salt..he puts a ton of salt in everything, I've asked him over and over again not to add salt wait and flavor his own food to his taste..

Can you try setting up a cabinet just for his junk..it may be easier to just avoid that one cabinet..

Maybe baby step him into the program...don't bring him to the grocery...get him some of his requested items and ask him to be open minded about trying some of your new healthy meals..I still cook normal diners, just eat smaller portions..

princesslmc2

Oh girl, I can understand!!! My live-in boyfriend is like that to a lesser degree. Thankfully over the months, he has supported me in changing my eating habits. That's not to say that he won't order a Big Mac or doesn't soda in the house. And he's been talking for over a year that he needs to lose weight... But he won't cut back his snacking nor will he make himself exercise.

I've tried keeping healthier foods in the house and I do all of the cooking... So I control what he eats to a degree. I even buy him healthy snacks to keep at work... He just tends to eat 5 servings at once, which totally defeats the purpose.

As for the "fun" foods he likes to keep in the house... I've learned to use will power (MOST of the time). I will open a can of soda and take one or two sips, then put it back in the fridge. Takes me a full week to finish that ONE can. But at least I'm satisfying my sweet tooth. So things like that... Enjoying the taste, but not eating too much.

As for the workouts, I just keep getting up early... I'll wake him up to ask if he wants to join me. He grunts and goes back to sleep, but I keep right on doing what I set out to do. An hour later, he'll say he wishes he got up with me.

Eventually, he'll be motivated enough to actually DO something about it. He sees my progress and is very proud of it... And he wants to do the same. But he's gotta get his butt in gear.

In the meantime, you gotta do what's best for you... and find tricky ways to get around the indirect ways he's bringing you down.

knittygirl52

Awk! I would say "MEN!" but I know there are a lot of great men on this website who are working really hard!

My husband and my son-in-law are much the same. After 38 years of marriage I have mine trained to keep his stupid candy far far away from me! My daughter is struggling with her husband eating her healthy snacks and leaving none for her. My solution to that one: I buy doubles. If he wants to eat them, fine, but there better be some for me, too. And at least that way I know he's eating SOMETHING remotely healthy. My biggest struggle with him is his need for periodic good pizza--nothing healthy will do.

My son-in-law periodically goes on what he calls the "Beer and Taco Bell Diet." That means he skips breakfast, eats lunch every day at Taco Bell, and has Beer for dinner. Healthy, huh?! Then he wonders why his wife buys herself fast food for dinner and gains weight! (Actually, I should say "bought fast food"--she's on here as well and is working very hard.)

I say, you can't change him. You can only change you and possibly change how you deal with things in your home. I would tell him what things you cannot handle having easily available and asking him to keep them where they would be difficult for you to get. Like in his car. So he won't starve while he's circling the parking lot. Make it sound like you are losing weight for him (even though we all know it is for you) and tell him you need his help. Unfortunately that means that like Blackmamba86 you will get the third degree if you decide to eat an Oreo, but maybe he will feel better about not having the junk in the house if it will make you/keep you the gorgeous woman he married!

kayemme

if it were me, i'd just take control of the kitchen.

i would take care of shopping, preparing and then insist that no "junk food" is in the house - if he should want to consume it, he can do it outside.

i'm not above using a little guilt, either. stuff like "if you really cared about the way i feel about not only your health, but my own, you'd participate in my aim to better it." stuff like that.

but the guilt would be a last resort.

first resorts would be to make and keep healthy snacks and sweets in the house. you can substitute so much for sugar and oil to where cakes and brownies, that sort of thing can actually be kept in the house. you get to have some and he can go to town, and you both win. i mean, that's all the weight watchers is doing anyway, then selling it to you for an inflated price.

i keep things like peanuts, raisins and granola in the house for snacks. they're high in fats, but the good kind. you can also make baked potato chips pretty easily and store them.

he probably doesn't even realize it, obviously, so you have to explain to him what you've been trying to do and why. he'll likely be supportive as long as you're not telling him what he can and can't eat - he can still eat whatever he wants, so long as he doesn't keep it in the house.

treetz1979

I totally know what you mean....I have tried to "be healthier" on several occasions and it's very hard when your counterpart is not on the same page. This time, mine seems to be starting to make an effort, and I think the following has helped.

First, don't look at it as training, but negotiating. It sounds like he's not ready to make a full commitment, neither is mine, and that's his right. So you are going to have to let him have his way in some regard because he's going to have to come to the realization on his own...just like you did. Second, I had to remind myself that my choices are not dictated by him or anyone else. We grocery shop together as well. And, if he insists on having pop/cookies, etc. that's his choice, but I don't have to eat it. That battle when you see it calling your name is between you and the food, not with him.

A couple of other small things we've done:
- Pop - instead of cutting out completely, we buy coke zero, or diet coke, instead of full coke
- Bread - instead of anything that's on sale, we buy lowest in calories, etc. We've really found a compromise with Di-Itliano Light Italian (only 80 calories for 2 slices!)
- Fast Food Lunch - If he insists he goes out, he pays (that's kind of a joke, since his/mine is ours), but I order a salad every single time. Over the course of several weeks of this, after lunch I would feel great and he felt miserable. Eventually, he started to order salad too and I credit this change for me not guilt tripping him or nagging him to do it. We went from fast food (burger/fries/shakes) 5 days a week to only going out to fast food once a week at the most (salads, wraps, or frescos)
- Junk Food in general - my husband is just plain cheap. It kills him to buy two of "in his mind" the same thing, just because I want a healthier version. So, every time he threw chips in the cart, I'd buy the baked version, etc. It did not take long for him to give in on most things so we could save some money.

I am sure there's other things we've done I am forgetting. So far, this has worked for us...not saying it will for you. But I hope it helps you find a way for your house. My husband is not a member, nor does he exercise. But these changes we negotiated over the last month or so has helped him lose about 7 pounds, and that has definitely encouraged him to see some more "light".

carl1738

My ex wife was/is the same way. She would spend a small fortune on diet pills and not eat any meals throughout the day. However, she would snack on potato chips , cookies and chocolate throughout the day. She would eat a large supper because she "hadn't eaten all day" and refused to exercise, then couldn't figure out why the pounds weren't just melting off of her. When I suggested that she follow my lead and exercise, eat healthier and more frequently throughout the day so she wasn't eating everything in sight at suppertime, she would just mumble that she didn't want to or didn't have time to. This from a woman that spent most of her day napping on the couch! She actually sat down one night, ate four ice cream sandwiches, and then complained that her latest batch of diet pills weren't helping her, because she was actually gaining weight and couldn't figure out why! Gee, I wonder! Thankfully, my new partner has a lot more sense, and we're eating better and exercising together! I've lost forty pounds and she's dropped almost eighty pounds! It's a lot easier when two people can work together, that's for sure!

Caperfae

Awesome advice. I knew I could count on the lovely people here

I have been getting better at the willpower thing as long as it's not coated in chocolate. BIG downfall of mine. I haven't opened a can of pop in several days now even though it's in the house. Yay me!
Halloween candy bar consumption was disgraceful. Glad it's only once a year and hopefully by next Halloween I will have a grip on my chocolate weakness.

Baby steps may be the way to go with him once he realizes that his lifestyle isn't working out for the best and it isn't healthy.

Louaine

I agree go shopping with out him.. It is a great time of year to clean out the cabnet and give to your local food pantry. All those cakes and cookie boxes can go to the food pantry. You help your own wastline and give a poor child that doesn't get sweets that often to have a sweet.

I buy extra of all my diet foods. I feel if my family eats them great they to have to get healty. It is costly diet foods are more expensive but the cost of bad health is even more.

Good luck be and keep asking one day he will say yes.

cowpoke06

I definitely understand where you're coming from. I have been trying to lose weight for about a year, with a boyfriend who ate garbage all the time attached to the hip. It's so hard to eat healthy when the person you spend most of your time with isn't. I would have already eaten dinner and then at 12 am he wants to go eat more and I'd eat with him (talk about lack of will power!) It would get so frustrating but it was so hard to just say no to all the goodies he'd surprise me with.

Now it's much better since we are both doing P90X. He doesn't want candy anymore or pizza everyday or chicken nuggets. We make more meals at home which is better for bonding anyways However, he has this complex that I'm not eating enough. He's been like that since I've known him. It's like he thinks I need to eat as much food as he does. He's 6 foot tall!!!! I'm 5'3", there's no way! Just this morning...he made me this HUGE freakin bowl of cereal for breakfast and then kept trying to get me to eat toast! I couldn't even eat the whole bowl of cereal. I feel like I end up over eating just to satisfy him. I tell him all the time-I don't need to eat as much you! That's why I'm fat! lol

RoadDog

The best thing you can do, is stick to your program. Lead by example.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him eat right.

binary_jester

Ultimately it may come to this...
"I yelled and then cried like a baby and told him that I could not just sit back and watch him slowly kill himself. If he was not willing to embrace these changes then he could just go and start packing because I loved him too much to watch him slowly die in front of my eyes. "

bethvandenberg

ok that was funny but oh so true!!!
My husband isn't allowed to go to the store with me and if by chance he does, I make a list and only allow him to get one item not on the list. Or he can have his own cart and deal with his stuff. He never does.
I've found some great recipes and he hasn't noticed that I'm cooking healthier. Have you seen that Now cook this cook book?
It remakes a bunch of comfort food into a healthy version. It might help him.

Good luck on your battle of wills. I gave up sodas almost 2 years ago and now if I try and drink one they are icky... Soda water I love. Maybe put some cans of that in your fridge

Hang in there.

Caperfae

oh I know all too well the adage about the horse to water .. he's a MULE so I suppose the same applies, LOL

I will continue to burn those calories and let him sit back and watch until he comes to the realization that life would be more fulfilling if he were more a part of it

Delicate

Dont let his bad habits be better than you, sometimes people will try and sabotage other peoples chances if they are unable to achive anything (it happens in work alot, 'are you losing weight' 'why dont you have a bun here you know you can' etc)

Dont let willpower be an issue, instead of thinking you cant have x item, say you dont want x item.

darkrider42

Absolutely, rant away! We can all relate to at least some aspect of your post. According to the ticker on your profile page, you've already lost 33 pounds -- and you're looking great! Most of your post was about your husband and why he won t change and why can't or won't support you. I've been married a long time and my wife has been on and off many diets (currently off...) and what I've learned is: 1) A person HAS to make the decision for themselves or they're not going to succeed, and 2) If you yourself really want to do it and succeed, you have to stop caring what everyone else around you is doing and eating and what's in the fridge or cupboard. Make the choices that support the goal you want to reach. We have all sorts of cr@p in our house (sugary pop, ice cream, candy, chips, sugary cereal, Oreos, etc) but I don't eat any of it very often because I know it won't help me get where I want to go. Do I crave it when I see it? Once in a while. Do I give in? Once in a while, but I make sure I log it...and that usually* keeps me from all-out binging....and reminds me to exercise if I haven't already. Then if I don't like the weight I see on the scale the next time, I can go back and see why...and ask myself if it was worth it. Of course, the answer to that question is almost always NO and it makes it easier to resist the next time.

I really don't mean to act like I have it all figured out... 'cuz I really don't. I have my struggles like anyone else. I'm trying crazy hard to make days where I struggle happen further and further apart so I can gain some ground on my weight. What I was trying to describe earlier were my good days. They feel awesome when they happen. And it has gotten easier ... the more weight I lose (55 lbs now), the easier it is to say "No thanks, I'm good" and really mean it when my truly thoughtful and kind son asks "Dad, I'm getting some ice cream, do you want some?"

Stand up for yourself ... TO yourself. Fight for it. You can do it!

Caperfae

Thank you all again.
I'm glad most of you can relate to some of it .. I see it's a common thread among the healthy eating World. I'm not alone .. .yay!!

I did have 2 great calorie burning workouts today and I got the housework done (more calories gone but I don't count those). I am feeling awesome and that's more important to me than wrecking it with a pop.

I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with my daughter so I got a little taste of it and didn't like it. ALL of my aunts and uncles and most of my cousins are type 2 and I am making every effort to not be added to that list.

JoyousRen

Hugs to you! I completely understand!! :sad:
Our 16 yr old daughter and I are working our tails off at the gym @ 5am - 3 days a week....
my husband brings home caseys donuts, m&m's, pop........... Grrrrrrrrr - totally defeats the purpose for paying all this money for gym classes and losing sleep and working so hard!!!
Thanks for letting me add the the rant! I feel better!!! :flowerforyou:

I had an ex that would buy all that stuff but hide it so I wouldn't know it was there and it wouldn't tempt me.