You are not your FAT!

FitnessTim

I am sick and tired of hearing people (usually women) who associate their weight with their sense of self worth. I don't care if you are 100 pounds or 500 pounds, I am not going to judge you as a person based on your weight. I wouldn't judge a person for being in a wheelchair so I'm not going to judge a person who, for what could be a variety of reasons, is currently overweight.

That being said, if you are overweight and complain about it without committing yourself to what you need to do to lose it, then just shut up and stop asking people for advice. It is so annoying to see someone who routinely starts the latest fad diet or joins a gym but doesn't go.

Sure people are generally more attracted to people who are fit, but get over it. Don't judge others for not "loving me for the person I am" when you are trying to date a GQ model. For long term relationships, looks are overrated anyway.

Why am I ranting? I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who is very overweight. She was complaining about finding out that according to the medical community she was obese. Being an idiot myself, I said "I assumed you knew you were obese.". She then got very mad at me for saying that. All I was doing was agreeing with the medical community as she was obviously obese, I wasn't judging her.

MissAnjy

No words are coming to mind right now, lol.

kewkdb

So you friend was obese but not fat?

ashlee954

No words are coming to mind right now, lol.

Exactly. I nodded in agreement while reading and even giggled out loud at this but then wondered if I was being politically incorrect. LOL!

roylawrence87

Yep and Im still "overweight". Ive gotten over it.

tigertchr23

I understand your frustration, but I think I have been guilty of that many times before. It is a lot easier to sit and whine about being overweight then to get up and do something about it.

I'm glad you were able to share your feelings with us. All you can do is try to be supportive of your friend making steps toward being a healthier person. For example, invite her to go on a walk/jog with you or ask her if she would like to come over and learn how to make some healthy recipes, etc.

Best wishes :flowerforyou:

daniface

In a sense werent you judging her though? and also being really insensitive?

redhotsmacker

You know....sometimes people need to be told from an outside source. Yes, it may have hurt her feelings, but really, is she in that much denial? What is the point of whining about everything you hate about yourself, do something about it if you don't like it....

Now, that I look back, I realize that I myself was guilty of whining and complaining, but I really wish someone would have said something like that to me. I was in huge denial, didn't think I was that big, when in fact I was huge....I hope that your friend takes your words to heart and realizes that she has to make a change in order to be happy with herself.....

Sorry for being so blunt....

neelia

I suspect you will have a lot of negative reaction from this post, but I have to say that I somewhat agree with you. Before I decided to do something about losing weight, I would constantly complain to my skinny friends about how much of a "fatty" I was. All I wanted to hear from them was that I wasn't fat, or overweight, or yada yada yada...but the truth is that I am! The truth hurts!

With that being said, I do think you could have used this alternative as a response: "I don't mean this to be hurtful, but according to your weight/measurements/blah blah blah it does seem as if you are overweight. But if you want to lose weight, you can do it! Go you! Hooray!"

Girls are super emotional, don't you know? You have to feed it to us as nicely and sugar-coated as possible. ;-)

wyze

I honestly dont think he was being judgy. She mentioned it and the truth is whether people tell us what is, or a research confirms it, we are what we are. I have always been obese and people tell me i am fat. I dont get offended cos i know that if i wasnt, they wont say i am.

Being overweight or obese is not an easy thing to deal with, but being honest about it is the first step to doing something about it. If you are uncomfortable in your body for genuine reasons like being obese, try as much as possible to do more work than talking. This is coming from someone who has done two yo-yo diets and is currently trying to lose it the healthy way.

I think that being politically correct has its uses and encourages politeness which is good, sometimes however i think it makes us deny the obvious by not saying the truth as it is. There are some situations that need to be called out, disguising the word in politeness does not change the situation, it merely camouflages it. We all know that a camouflage merely hides stuff, but it doesn't make it go away.

just my two cents

roylawrence87

You know....sometimes people need to be told from an outside source. Yes, it may have hurt her feelings, but really, is she in that much denial? What is the point of whining about everything you hate about yourself, do something about it if you don't like it....

Now, that I look back, I realize that I myself was guilty of whining and complaining, but I really wish someone would have said something like that to me. I was in huge denial, didn't think I was that big, when in fact I was huge....I hope that your friend takes your words to heart and realizes that she has to make a change in order to be happy with herself.....

Sorry for being so blunt....

Sometimes being blunt is the only way to get through.

hpsnickers1

I am sick and tired of hearing people (usually women) who associate their weight with their sense of self worth. I don't care if you are 100 pounds or 500 pounds, I am not going to judge you as a person based on your weight. I wouldn't judge a person for being in a wheelchair so I'm not going to judge a person who, for what could be a variety of reasons, is currently overweight.

That being said, if you are overweight and complain about it without committing yourself to what you need to do to lose it, then just shut up and stop asking people for advice. It is so annoying to see someone who routinely starts the latest fad diet or joins a gym but doesn't go.

Sure people are generally more attracted to people who are fit, but get over it. Don't judge others for not "loving me for the person I am" when you are trying to date a GQ model. For long term relationships, looks are overrated anyway.

Why am I ranting? I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who is very overweight. She was complaining about finding out that according to the medical community she was obese. Being an idiot myself, I said "I assumed you knew you were obese.". She then got very mad at me for saying that. All I was doing was agreeing with the medical community as she was obviously obese, I wasn't judging her.

I know this feeling. I've known my man's sister-in-law for over 18 years. I've watched her get bigger and bigger and bigger, griping about it the whole time. She went from pre-diabetic to borderline to full diabetic. She even got doctor's approval for the stomach band but never went through with it because she can't change her lifestyle. She drinks hard yet thinks she doing something healthy by have fruit juice with her liquor (she'll through a large bottle of liquor in an evening - that's a lot of fruit juice for mixing). I have gotten so sick of hearing it that I've started to make comments. I mentioned 'morbid obese' and she didn't like that at all. She claimed she wasn't. She's pushing 300 pounds and she is only 5'4". I don't even enjoy hanging with her anymore because I get tired of listening to her 'woe is me' stories.

I wasn't judging her. I try to be helpful and listen and give her advice on what she can do to change things but it's in one ear and out the other. I do this because I love her and I hate seeing her destroy her body and her health like she is.

blel0906

I think women and some men are more self critical because quite honestly we can be a Catty bunch....If I can find one good thing about being overweight its that I don't participate and avoid those kinds of conversations..Whille it may be hurtful to the target (who usually isn't within ear shot) I've learned it does worse damage to my own self esteem.

I also have to agree...sometimes people ***** for compliments...If I say OMG I'm such a cow...what I'm really looking for is for someone to tell me oh no your not...this worked for many years then I got fat...

I suppose you could have worded your comment a little better but maybe your comment shocked her enough to do something about her situation. Bottom line if she's in denial and not ready she's not going to do anything about her current situation

Delicate

Maybe your friend will take it as motivation to reduce her size

I remember the first time I got told I was medically obese in a drs , I wanted to cry so bad (but that wasnt what preempited me going to get rid of weight, pcos for dummies did when it said about syndrome x !)

But being told this from friends rather than strangers hits harder however she may be more willing to make a change to herself to become overall happier with herself.

FitnessTim

In a sense werent you judging her though? and also being really insensitive?

Insensitive maybe, judging no. I did not imply that she was a "bad" person for being overweight. I guess I was just caught off guard that she did not know she was obese. I didn't realize how serious her self-delusion was.

We talked it out and she's working on her weight. It was actually beneficial for her to learn how serious her situation actually was. Unfortunately she refuses to count her calories and is attempting to loosely follow the "South Beach Diet".

If someone were on fire, how would you bring up the subject. "Excuse me, I noticed that you have flames on you. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that but if you are not happy with these flames can I suggest that you drop on the ground and roll. Flames or not, you are still a beautiful person and I accept you for who you are."

Being nice can kill.

sexygenius

im very much aware of how fat i am( and i am trying to change it), but it still hurts to hear other people say it...

JaydeSkye

I completely agree with you. As much as I would love for my closest friends to be perfectly, physically fit and in amazing health - I know (and accept) that it isn't a lifestyle for EVERYONE. I encourage my friends/family to make healthy choices and offer suggestions whenever they ask for my input, but like you - I like them for WHO they are and at the end of the day, that isn't going to change. I can only control my own body and life, and they're still my friends - I still want them a part of it, regardless of what choices they make for themselves.

My husband and I are very honest with eachother. To the point that it offends OTHER PEOPLE. We don't ask eachother "how do I look" because we are soulsearching for a compliment. If I ask him, it's because I want him to tell me, "you look like free willy trying to jump out of that dress, why don't you try your gray pants instead, they make your butt look better." And, I take off the dress and try the pants he suggested. I don't sit back and cry, "boo hoo my husband called me a whale." But if anyone else heard how we talk to eachother (and, its happened, we've been married for 6+yrs) they say "don't let him tell you THAT! You're beautiful!" And, while its nice and all - it's not the honesty I'm looking for at the moment. Its not going to keep pushing me to work harder and achieve my goals. Sure, I have a normal weight and I'm thinner than many people, but I'm not satsified comparing myself to others. I want to be what *I* want to look like, for myself. My husband gets it. He is my biggest supporter. He helps keep me motivated and on track. And, in return, I do the same for him. If he is starting to gain, I point it out before it gets out of control. If I think he needs to make a better choice eatting, or otherwise - I tell him. When we workout together, if his form isn't perfect, I correct him. My husband is a fighter and the other day I was noticing he has a few pounds in his lower back area that he could afford to tone up. So I poked at him and asked him, "how many pounds can you loose and still remain in your same weight class?" then I explained that he has a few to loose in the back area. He didn't get offended, he listened to what I said and make some adjustments with his nutrition so he could shed some body fat percentages, but still maintain his weight. I couldn't of said that to anyone else. Anyone else would be mad, hold a grude and then get nasty with me.

I'm sorry that your friend can't accept her weight issue. I think that with being overweight comes many emotional issues as well as health issues. Its a difficult thing for people to handle. I'm VERY hard on myself, but I don't judge others and that is often misunderstood. I think it's hard for overweight people to see someone half their size criticize themself for their own weight and I've had friends get very mad and blow it out of proportion as well.

All I can say is let it blow over. She's either going to get over it, or she isn't. When she's serious about loosing weight at least she will know who to turn to. Wish I had some better advice, but I don't. That's why I came here, I figured if I found other people actually DOING something to make a difference then it might not be the same situation, like this one, that I'm always in...

FitnessTim

im very much aware of how fat i am( and i am trying to change it), but it still hurts to hear other people say it...

If someone is criticizing another for being overweight (boyfriends are notorious for this), they are the one with the problem. On the other hand someone is walking around complaining about being overweight or feeling fat, they should not get offended when someone agrees with them and tries to help.

I looked up "fat talk" on the web and found that there are experts who suggests that people refrain from negative "Fat talk". By "Fat talk" they mean the little negative comments people, both overweight and fit, make about themselves, such as "I feel fat" or "Do these jeans make me look fat".

I like taking pictures and often my family and friends will sit around and look at photos from past events. Occasionally, I'll hear someone say "Ugh, I look fat in that picture!". I always feel a little sad because where I see a loved one, they see a "fat" person.

I may have been ranting and some of what I said should be dismissed as blowing off steam, but in general the subject of how to talk about obesity to others is worth discussing.

redhotsmacker

If someone were on fire, how would you bring up the subject. "Excuse me, I noticed that you have flames on you. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that but if you are not happy with these flames can I suggest that you drop on the ground and roll. Flames or not, you are still a beautiful person and I accept you for who you are."

OMG!!!! LMAO!!!! That is the funniest thing I've read all day!!! :laugh:

lloydrt

another one of my favorite sayings...........

"If nothing changes, ...............then NOTHING CHANGES"

Your friend may need to make some new changes in her life.......I kinda agree with you, its a struggle, its not easy, but you gotta have will power and stay focused....

I went to the gym today, the only one there at 6 this morning, worked out 2 hours, then had an appt 45 mins later.....bottom line, I made the time to take care of myself........

I wish you both a Happy Thanksgiving.........Lloyd

sunbeam11

I feel sad for your friend because I think her reaction shows she is in denial. It's hard to hear, even from the medical community, but I don't think what you said was meant to hurt, just being factual, and mostly for your own understanding of the situation. It seems you may have pointed out something she didn't really realize and of course that's a sore spot for her. Presentation is everything. If you said out of the blue, "You're obese. You need to get yourself under control." Yeah, that would hurt. But she brought up the topic herself and you were just affirming what she said, then I don't think what you said (as conveyed here) was out of line.

I know I have been there...there were times in my mind, in my own private reality that I thought I would have been categorized as "overweight". But the annual fitness screenings my husband's company does that gives us a discount on our health insurance if we complete it has told me for the past few years I am "obese". The first time, I was like, ouch--really? But I needed to hear it. It's a risk assessment tool. And you need to be aware of your personal risks if you ever hope to do anything to change it. I hope your friend will take this newfound info and apply it for her own welfare.

There are lines that can be crossed in stating the obvious. I think it all depends on the context and your relationship to the person to whom you're speaking. Certainly you wouldn't want to comment on a stranger's weight or make hard assessments about a friend's appearance out of the blue. Every word on such a sensitive subject should be seasoned with kindness and made in an effort to be supportive.

jsecret

If someone were on fire, how would you bring up the subject. "Excuse me, I noticed that you have flames on you. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that but if you are not happy with these flames can I suggest that you drop on the ground and roll. Flames or not, you are still a beautiful person and I accept you for who you are."

Being nice can kill.

Best. Analogy. Ever!

However, I completely agree. People occasionally need to be knocked off their dillusional throne and given a big dose of reality. I know many of us have friends who we have watched get bigger... Bigger... BIGGER and said nothing, but someday when one of those friends dies due to obesity it is going to be a terrible feeling knowing you could have done something to save them.

Help put out those flame before they burn to the ground.

skinnyack

haha... You said that to her?! Oh the storm clouds that must have passed through her eyes... (giggle).

I'll be honest- I didn't know I was actually obese, and not just overweight, and when I looked in the mirror I didn't see how big I was. I just thought some people got some bad camera angles and the camera added 10 lbs. I "knew" I needed to get healthier, signed up for a trainer, and a machine told me I was obese- which hurt, and was embarassing, but it needed to happen. And then the pictures that were taken AFTER that made me see what was reality. Hell I'm still obese- but I'm getting closer to healthy- and I think I look now how I thought I looked then.

We have such a distorted idea of what is overweight, obese, 'normal,' healthy, skinny. I say when someone throws it on the table meaning if she brings it up, and is a close friend, you are entitled to agree with facts. I don't think you did anything wrong. She may end up resenting you and not being your friend, but not as much as she is resenting herself.

I hope she thinks about it and then comes and joins us on MFP!

LuckyLeprechaun

@ purrfectgirl: i love the way you described your relationship...it is awesome that you two have that trust/communication level with each other.

@ the OP: I don't think what you said was mean spirited, but it could've come across as harsh...I think coming out of someone's mouth hurts us more. Example: when I started MFP, I was in the obese BMI range. This information sucked, but I knew it was true. But if someone told me "you're obese" it would have hurt me much more deeply.

skinnyminnie

Bump

wyze

Thank you poster for the positive message "we are not our fat"

i didnt realize how big i was until i looked in pictures. I knew i was obese cos of my weight, but whn i looked in the mirror, i dint think i looked that big. But when people put up pictures i took with them, i'd look like a mountain beside them and that made me think that the time has come to do something about my weight which i am currently working on.

It isnt easy for anyone, but once the weight comes off, its a joyful story we can tell and also an encouragement and inspiration to other obese and overweight people to do something about it...

Cheers everyone and heres to meeting our fitness goals.

sbilyeu75

OHHHHH....I agree!

edorice

A favorite quote:
The scale measures your weight, not your worth.

Kimdbro

im very much aware of how fat i am( and i am trying to change it), but it still hurts to hear other people say it...

I agree, no one likes to hear it.... me being one of them, but the original poster is correct, if we don't want to hear it, don't bring the subject up. Most people would never say anything to an overweight person, but when they've brought the subject up it rather opens up the topic one would think. I'm sure he never would have met his friend and suddenly blurted out "wow you are obese!", she brought it up. Fair game.

kayemme

I've thought about this a lot, being significantly overweight my whole life. Why does it hurt when other people say it like it is? It's like saying "you have freckles" to a freckled kid and that kid running off to cry.

What I think happens is that when we get hurt it's because of our own judgments about it. If someone said to me, "hey fatty" I would think "wow, keep it classy!" but I wouldn't be evaluating my own worth. I'd just think the other person has some filter issue and move on.

I have an ex husband who wouldn't wear shorts in public because he thought his legs were too skinny. It was narcissistic behavior: why would anyone really care about how his legs looked in shorts? So I realized one day he was walking around judging other people so much that he just assumed everyone did the same. And sure, his opinion mattered, but after a while it didn't. And then we broke up.

People have actually said to me they don't think of me as a "fat girl" even though I have been over 300lbs at times. And I think it's because it's not really a core part of my identity. It's a fact, yes. I am a heavy woman. So what.

So we have to be empathetic with issues like this because the OPs friend wasn't aware of herself, that's the biggest issue. The weight is truly secondary. And sometimes that denial comes in the form of judging other people while justifying your own actions. So THAT'S what's hard to hear. I'm not sayin the OPs friend was that way, just sayin these are my observations about people in general.

Kimdbro

I've thought about this a lot, being significantly overweight my whole life. Why does it hurt when other people say it like it is? It's like saying "you have freckles" to a freckled kid and that kid running off to cry.

What I think happens is that when we get hurt it's because of our own judgments about it. If someone said to me, "hey fatty" I would think "wow, keep it classy!" but I wouldn't be evaluating my own worth. I'd just think the other person has some filter issue and move on.

I have an ex husband who wouldn't wear shorts in public because he thought his legs were too skinny. It was narcissistic behavior: why would anyone really care about how his legs looked in shorts? So I realized one day he was walking around judging other people so much that he just assumed everyone did the same. And sure, his opinion mattered, but after a while it didn't. And then we broke up.

People have actually said to me they don't think of me as a "fat girl" even though I have been over 300lbs at times. And I think it's because it's not really a core part of my identity. It's a fact, yes. I am a heavy woman. So what.

So we have to be empathetic with issues like this because the OPs friend wasn't aware of herself, that's the biggest issue. The weight is truly secondary. And sometimes that denial comes in the form of judging other people while justifying your own actions. So THAT'S what's hard to hear. I'm not sayin the OPs friend was that way, just sayin these are my observations about people in general.

Very well said. That about sums it up. Our projections on what others are going to think of us are exactly that, projections. In reality they likely are thinking nothing at all about what we are ourselves silently judging over.