Anybody trying to gain weight (please????)

cbusiness2010

It has always been such a lonely journey! Anyone out there going through this?
It has been very hard for me. Everyone else seems to be going in the opposite direction, and I get the worse looks if I open up and (finally) make a comment about how hard it is for me to even maintain weight. I understand that when someone has been trying to lose just 10 lbs for years, and can't, and suffers hunger, deprives themselves, and kill themselves with exercises and diets, and then someone comes and eats the whole menu in front of them, and still doesn't look happy -and says she is feeling down because she can't add an ounce, they have a hard time empathizing. Because I do understand, I have kept it to myself for years. But is it fair? Guys, if you have either high metabolism, poor diet, or another physical or mental condition that doesn't let you catch up and have energy, concentrate, or be your very best, it can be just as bad. When your clothes don't look right, and you are flat as a ruler, and you have to use layers and long pants even in summer because you are self conscious, it is not better than what you are going through. Skinny is NOT better. Too skinny is just as depressing and seriously bad for your body as overweight. The media surrounds us with this message that unreal-skinny is perfection, and manages to hurt both, the ones heavier than that unrealistic weight, and the ones that actually are around those numbers! Because some can't ever get there, there is a conscious or subconscious hate for the lighter group. In the meantime, because those numbers ARE unreal and not healthy, those there feel isolated and rejected, on top of unhealthy and lethargic!
In my case, something happened when I had my 2nd baby. I started losing weight (unintentionally) but I never stopped at my pre-pregnancy weight. It kept going down. At the time I needed my energy more than ever, the baby was colicky and I seldom slept more than 3 hrs on a row, usually during the day. I slept through the night for the 1st time when she was 4 years old! In the meantime, chores needed to be done, food needed to be cooked (and I was on a mostly organic, from scratch philosophy), kids needed to be watched, fed, cleaned, walked and entertained, clothes needed to be washed and ironed... ah, I forget I liked to sew, so lots of that as well. I went to a nutritionist 4 months after the birth, and the guy was so scratchy (I didn't know better, so I actually bought into that). Not having run any tests, he recommended 4 smoothies a day of so much disgusting stuff, I got sick from just the smell. It was high in fat and so thick I had to consume it with a spoon. Didn't get an ounce, but had to stay awake and energize myself somehow, so started going back to the Y, mostly aerobics/dance. Mood went a bit up, but I was still tired and too skinny. Neither my general doctors, nor my hormonal specialist or even OBGYN's could, in 20 (twenty) years hit the nail on the head or put the whole puzzle together. In the meantime, this vow of silence that I learned to keep for the sake of not being left totally alone, has been an additional torture. We gals tend to lean on each other and help out, pass advice we heard of, recommend good specialists. I couldn't get ANY of that support, because I learned I could not, should not, even mention that I wanted -needed!- to get weight if I wanted to have any friends. Either obviously or silently, everyone got hurt if I said anything.
I am not anorexic -I looove food, all foods. I have eaten balanced diets as well as crazily caloric, overly carbs, paleo, vegetarian, all organic in my desperation to get it right. I now eat anything, 80% organic, fish and poultry 4 times/week, not too many vegetables (heck, I've tried the "perfect" diet for so long for nothing, I now just eat what I want)
I've always liked exercise, mostly aerobic type, and for the last 10 years, more yoga and less aerobic. However, in the last 2 years I have started a depressive trend. I don't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I stopped all exercise when my pal moved away (she was my accountability partner) and just did walking when I had to move. Raising 2 girls I've been all too aware of not letting my concerns show, and again, chose to wear a mask at home too, pretend all is right, and never transfer the weight issue to them one way or the other. But I had to perform like if I had the energy and the will, and only I know (and maybe others out there with the same problem) how hard that was. And my teaching job keeps me fairly mobile and mentally exercised, so I guess I have to thank it for still being alive. But, unlike other stories here that start either with w/ physical issue (e.g. thyroid) or mental issue (depression) leading to overweight, mine started at the goal weight and is ending with the depression (and God knows about how the physical part is by now).
So, today is my 1st day here. I found this site, and started measuring my stats and intake to have a baseline, and I also made a fitness plan. It is a very fragile moment, I can get discouraged easily because I am still carrying this on my shoulders alone, I have nobody to share this with -I really really need support. Hopefully from others on the same track? I'll take good info (I realize i know nothing about muscle/fat are made, just learning about anabolic/metabolic process! I know nothing of the role of insulin, or the right times for proteins or carbs consumption :-P) and honest cheers. I am the worst at sticking to it when it comes to my own exercise and a diet, but I can cheer you back. I have to say that, after downloading the mobile app of myfitnesspal, I need even more support than ever, because unfortunately the app developers didn't think of me either. The first thing one sees when opening it to check progress is the name, and the two main goal stats : "weight LOSS" and "friends"! Dear myfitnesspal, not everyone here is trying to lose pounds, and many of us are struggling on the "friends" department because of our weight issues. Being reminded of that every hour is not a good motivator.
BUT I am ready to overlook that each time I look at the app (out of the 10-15 a day), if I only start seeing some progress.
Anyone there that has this kind of issue?
Anyone there that made some progress? What was the turning point for you?
Anyone there with tricks on how to eat so many times a day (I am a 3 meals-no snack teacher)
Could anyone out there maintain consistent weight after reaching the target one? What was the key for you?

C.E
BMI 18
myfitnesspal calorie goal: 2030 net/day
exercise: 300cal/day (aerobic) 300/day strength