Asian family make me want to starve myself

Humbugsftw

I come from a South Indian background. I consider the whole elders thing to be horse ****. If someone is wrong, I will call them out on it. I don't really care these days.

outdoorslife

It sounds like you are disconnected with your ethnic background - do you parents assuming you either live with them, or they are close by when you are home do the same? If not perhaps talking to them might help shed some light on the attitude(s) and comments of your aunt and grandma.

Remember insults should be oblique and sound like praise, its a fine art. And Asian cultures are rather good at that!

Of course if they do it in public you could approach it with something along the lines of " I am glad you are so concerned for my wellbeing/health/marriable status Aunt/Grandma, I certainly wouldn't want to turn out fat or dumpy."

In private, you could just look at them and just ask them if you should have a tan and callused hands. As it was explained to me, in old Asian cultures, tanned skinned and callused hands were the marks of field laborers. And of course those same field workers were thin.

Good luck, and try to minimize your interactions where you can with them while you stay in HK. Great place to visit, have some fun and get away from the family! (Maybe some island hopping)

irleshay

Don't be silent about it all summer. I'm aware of all the cultural upbringing, being raised with it myself. We're supposed to respect our elders, but respect doesn't mean letting them berate you. Respect is a whole other issue from letting people nag you and put you down every single day ... don't equate the two.

I say break the mold. You don't have to be a jerk, but it's not wrong to raise your voice and get angry. It's probably way out of your comfort zone times 3. But if you get openly mad, tell them their comments aren't even productive, and maybe even tell them they're fat also, what are they going to do? Get angry and call you disrespectful? Stew for a while? It's not the end of the world, and it lets them know you don't like it and that they can't say it unchallenged anymore. The younger me would be shocked I was saying this, but my relationship with my parents is actually better for changing these dynamics, and there's more equal footing and mutual respect. I only wish I'd done the same when I was in college and those middle-aged Chinese men in church told me I was getting fat... makes me wonder now why they were even looking, never mind their comments not being very Christian. But even trying for change in baby steps is something, because you shouldn't have to listen to it all summer. Good luck!

Sabine_Stroehm

OP: for whatever it's worth, my working class, caucasian American father repeatedly told us we were getting fat, questioned our decision to eat a second biscuit with dinner etc.
Once, when I was in my 20s, at 5'6" 135LBS he said (as I walked past): "God damn you're getting broad in the beam, you'd better watch those cupcakes!"

klkarlen

Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.

Oh man. I haven't heard that choice phrase in ages. I had an aunt who would trot that out at the most fun of times. :P To be fair, I had the Minnestoan "well, that's different" cocked and loaded in my holster.

I worked with a bunch of folks from MN, and it took me a while to catch on to that one.

I just found this also:

The Brits have it down to one word (all in the intonation): "Right." and then you change the subject.

In Scotland (Glasgow especially) they take this one step further with the expression: "Aye right!" - two affirmatives adding up to a great big NO.

AllOutof_Bubblegum

"Well, you're ugly and I can diet."

Oh, snap.

:laugh: :laugh:

wkwebby

Thanks for all the support guys, I'm trying to block it out but I'm not sure how long my self esteem can handle it. I keep coming back to MFP to remind myself that starvation is bad!

Yeah, I heard that the Asian culture has no problem telling thier kids they are fat, etc.

Just hold on and pray for your return date to come asap. Keep doing what you're doing. Regardless of the family, there is no reason to starve.

It really is brutal. I can pinpoint the exact moment 11 year old me started to hate my body. It was when my grandma commented on my chubby arms and said how fat I was getting (I was 100lbs max). It doesn't help that all the girls in Hong Kong seem to have legs the size of my arms. I feel obese next to them. But I'll do my best to keep my confidence up!

I'm in your situation exactly. I used to be a heck of a lot skinnier and now they say "you used to be so skinny!". UGH! I feel for you. Turn up the music in your iPod or whatever, and just grin and bear it. I just yelled at my mom after putting up with this kind of talk recently and it didn't go well. So no talking back (it will only make the situation worse in their eyes because you'll still be "heavy" and now you're disrespectful as well) and just quietly count down until you return home.

Just maintain your caloric count (which is hard to do because there typically isn't a calorie count for shumai or any other dimsum and authentic Chinese food isn't available in the databases) as you need to.

Good luck with the family in HK! Big hugs from a fellow Asian American! :flowerforyou:

violetrix

It sounds like you are disconnected with your ethnic background - do you parents assuming you either live with them, or they are close by when you are home do the same? If not perhaps talking to them might help shed some light on the attitude(s) and comments of your aunt and grandma.

Yeah my parents are fairly liberal and non-Asian in that sense. They've never talked about my weight or berated me for eating certain foods. It's my extended family that is the main source. I've dealt with them for pretty much my entire life but I haven't lived with them for such a long period of time so the constant bombardment of comments/insults is a bit too much to handle at the moment. I guess I can use it as a way of testing my self confidence and developing thicker skin

JoRocka

OP: for whatever it's worth, my working class, caucasian American father repeatedly told us we were getting fat, questioned our decision to eat a second biscuit with dinner etc.
Once, when I was in my 20s, at 5'6" 135LBS he said (as I walked past): "God damn you're getting broad in the beam, you'd better watch those cupcakes!"

in high school my dad pinched my side and said- when you are going to drop this baby fat???

gave me a horrible complex for months and months.

4daluvof_candice

I'm staying with my aunt and grandma in Hong Kong for the summer and have been continuing to workout and eat healthy whilst I'm here. But it's so hard to stay motivated when all they ever do is call me fat. At every opportunity. It doesn't matter when, where or who we're with, they will always refer to me as 'big fat girl' or just call me fat straight up, tell me I have massive thighs or arms or face. They take note of everything I eat and comment that 'eating too much watermelon will make me fat' or 'eating meat is too fatty and that's why I'm fat'.

I'm 5'2.5" and 135lbs so I still have about 10-15lbs to lose but even when I was 13 and 120lbs they still called me fat! It doesn't help that by Asian standards, anything above a UK size 6 is 'fat'. I don't know how I'm going to survive this summer without trying to starve myself. Any advice?

Im a hothead :explode: when it comes to, rudeness, belittling, meaness and disrespectfulness to others so.... my advice would not be a good thing. I know one doggone thing I would find my way back home. But thats just me...:flowerforyou:

bciloveme2014

Have you tried telling them how they make you feel. I think that is horrible. Is going home an option?

With a lot of respect, I would tell them that I want to leave earlier for that reason, if they really care about you, they may think twice before they call you fat.

headofphat

I advise you beat them into submission.

But since we know you can't do that, you are just going to have to work extra hard to tune them out. You're not fat. It's gotta do a number on your self-esteem, but do your best not to pay them any mind. Good luck.

This. Maybe this is a cultural thing, idk. But if a close family member called me fat repeatedly (idc if it's my grandmother either), I'd start picking on them until they STFU and mind their own business. Do they know you're trying to be conscious of your daily intake and exercise? And they're still doing it? I'd smack a b!tch.

Listen to her. Just because they are family doesn't give them the right. If you "smack a b!tch" they will still be family.

Sirinya55

As a female Asian, you are FAT since the age of 16 up until you have a daughter or niece that you can call FAT, then your mom/aunt will leave you alone. It's a tradition. You learn to be OK with yourself or forever be FAT....Grasshopper!

SomeNights246

Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.

I love this! Can I borrow it even though I'm a Brit
OP, families can be odd that way. My heart goes out to you. Remember though, no-one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Of course you can. Southern belles have the tone of voice down to an art form, so that folks will know if they are being honest or sarcastic.

lol All of us southerners do. There's a big difference between saying 'Aw, bless your heart' and "Well, bless your heart". It's all in the tone.

JoRocka

As a female Asian, you are FAT since the age of 16 up until you have a daughter or niece that you can call FAT, then your mom/aunt will leave you alone. It's a tradition. You learn to be OK with yourself or forever be FAT....Grasshopper!

LOL
Clearly I'm not Asian- but it sounds a lot like what all of my Asian friends would say. (or have said).

essjay76

As a female Asian, you are FAT since the age of 16 up until you have a daughter or niece that you can call FAT, then your mom/aunt will leave you alone. It's a tradition. You learn to be OK with yourself or forever be FAT....Grasshopper!

:laugh: ^^THIS!

Unfortunately, I know all too well that it's a cultural thing. As an Asian myself, i had to put up with that sort of crap growing up. It's not just the old school grandmothers and grandfathers, it's also the *kitten* males. They seriously see nothing wrong with talking about your weight.

I say you can tell them that it bothers you, and that you don't agree with this part about your culture. There's a way you can bite back without disrespecting... Tread carefully!

Sabine_Stroehm

OP: for whatever it's worth, my working class, caucasian American father repeatedly told us we were getting fat, questioned our decision to eat a second biscuit with dinner etc.
Once, when I was in my 20s, at 5'6" 135LBS he said (as I walked past): "God damn you're getting broad in the beam, you'd better watch those cupcakes!"

in high school my dad pinched my side and said- when you are going to drop this baby fat???

gave me a horrible complex for months and months.

UGH

feralkitten1010

Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.

this!