The "you just fine the way you are" Talk

rainjohnson10

So... in my own personal commitment to MYSELF I'll have you. to loose weight in telling my current boyfriend that I'm actually trying to loose weight. I've been met each time with the your just fine the way you are talk.

Has anyone else who feels they want to lose weight for them selves in a non-dangerous way been met with this?

And if you have what the best way to tell them that you don't currently feel comfortable in your own body?

TechNerd42

The proper response would be, "Thank you, I'm glad you think so. Hopefully you'll still think I'm fine the way I am when I get to the point where *I* think I'm fine the way I am too."

MyChocolateDiet

I have people in my life that feel this way about me currently.

I don't.

I don't have the talk with them though. So I just do what I'm doing. I feel this puts the onus on them to try to change my mind and let them try to come up with arguments about why I should not be trying to be healthier.

So, I don't break my head wondering about it. It's on them. So far no takers.:bigsmile:

dakotababy

I have had this...back when I was 250lbs at 5'7. I basically just do not respond or try to take it as a compliment, because that is why people say it MOST OF THE TIME. They say it to be nice.

You do not need to justify your health and fitness to anyone.

Sylentskye

Partners and spouses tend to get the short end of the stick where weight discussions are concerned. They seem to be hesitant to say anything for fear of hurting feelings, creating doubts etc. I would say that as long as your boyfriend is not trying to fight with you or completely sabotage your efforts, just roll with it. He may not want to make you feel insecure as us saying something about ourselves is different than someone we care about saying it to us.

MyChocolateDiet

Partners and spouses tend to get the short end of the stick where weight discussions are concerned. They seem to be hesitant to say anything for fear of hurting feelings, creating doubts etc. I would say that as long as your boyfriend is not trying to fight with you or completely sabotage your efforts, just roll with it. He may not want to make you feel insecure as us saying something about ourselves is different than someone we care about saying it to us.

Epic first post!

skiextrm

I think partners are in a bind as to how to be supportive of both your goal and where you are at currently. You would feel kind of crumby if he said, "heck yah, you need to lose some weight!" So, as long as he doesn't sabotage your plan, try to appreciate his efforts to let you know you are okay with him, just as you are. You can do this!

SomeNights246

Yes.

I can understand where it comes from. As another poster said, the fear of hurting someone's feelings is there. However, sometimes lying can hurt just as bad. And I say this from experience. I got the "You're just fine..." and then (my personal favorite) "You're not that fat". And they always say 'that'. Always. Which is a fancy way of saying "You're fat, but I'm afraid of hurting your feelings. So, you're not that fat." I wish we, as a society, would stop tip toeing around the truth. If someone is fat, they're fat. If someone is skinny, they're skinny. If someone needs to lose five lbs, there's nothing wrong with agreeing and motivating them to do so - as long as you're not saying these things to be a complete jerk.

The best thing I can say, is tell them you're not doing this to look good. You're doing this for your health.

PeanutButterByTheSpoon

Yes I know, it pisses me off. I just "Thanks for your opinion, I am just gonna try my best to be healthy. So if I lose weight and I am not underweight than it's not your concern" here's a saying "Now they will ask you why you are doing it, later they will ask you how you did it"-anonymous

Lacey_Cakes

So... in my own personal commitment to MYSELF I'll have you. to loose weight in telling my current boyfriend that I'm actually trying to loose weight. I've been met each time with the your just fine the way you are talk.

Has anyone else who feels they want to lose weight for them selves in a non-dangerous way been met with this?

And if you have what the best way to tell them that you don't currently feel comfortable in your own body?

My husband is the same way. He always says "well i think you are fine". I just tell him but IM not happy with me. Just tell you you want to be comfortable in your own skin. You have to be happy with yourself

MagnumBurrito

Personally, I wouldn't voice it.

If we say we're going to do something, our brains makes us feel like we accomplished something when we haven't really done *kitten*.

Some people must follow through when they voice something. It seems like most people would rather just talk the talk, though.

MyChocolateDiet

Personally, I wouldn't voice it.

If we say we're going to do something, our brains makes us feel like we accomplished something when we haven't really done *kitten*.

Some people must follow through when they voice something. It seems like most people would rather just talk the talk, though.

You should watch the secret. You will probably like it. There is value in keeping one's intentions to oneself. There is something more precious and condensed about the intent. Something motivating. It feels like when you state it, it gets spent a little and watered down. Using very bad analogies here but it's a thing.

An example. A friend of mine had trouble with relationships. SOME of them were pretty decent guys. SO on the next decent guy she found I asked her to hold onto it, and him and keep it to herself for awhile. Like a secret. Like to give herself and him time to nurture the relationship between the two of them before introducing to each others friends and family and open it up to scrutiny/opinions. This seemed to work. The last time I talked to her we were both arguing with each other about who no longer had time for whom due to being in a full fledged serious relationship and turning our life completely over to a man who had been deserving of us for months. I went on to marry mine, and that's the last I heard of her, they were engaged and under way was a tour of a different California mission each weekend plan.

I think sometimes we announce our plans too soon and let people take the rug out from under us with their concerns/advice.

LumberJacck

I have dated a few (or so) women who didn't like me losing weight, almost all of the time they weighed more than me, which I can understand probably hurt their ego somewhat (plus I'm tall). How did I deal with it? I just let them know that weight loss would be non-negotiable for me. I let them know that I wanted to continue to date them, but also wanted to continue to lose weight. I tried to make it not a big deal, as much as possible.

Somehow they accepted it to some degree and we all got along swimmingly.

RunningForeverMama

The proper response would be, "Thank you, I'm glad you think so. Hopefully you'll still think I'm fine the way I am when I get to the point where *I* think I'm fine the way I am too."

Exactly this and I wouldn't talk about it anymore. Also be prepared for more indifference rather than support. You might be giddy to be down and size and your boyfriend may not care a bit. Don't let that get you down, you have your MFP peeps for support and you need to do what you need to do to be happy with yourself. Best of luck!

mendressa

Last time I tried this, my husband (boyfriend then) was sort of "do what you want to do but you look fine" (I believe he thought this was being supportive). This time (3 or 4 years later) he's really supportive and cooking healthier meals for me when he cooks and helping to point out healthier options when I'm stuck - or sick of one thing or another.

I kind of doubt he realizes his support is different this time around but I can feel the difference.
Ok, while writing this I asked him what the difference was and he said "I don't know."

Leggylass

Everywhere i turned i got.. you look fine, youve lost weight..have you been trying too?

Theyre all just being polite , didnt want to hurt my feelings or really didnt give a damn

it about you

opalsqueak007

Yes, I get this too. "Don't lose too much weight", and people bringing me cake even though they know I have a lot of weight to lose and am grossly FAT. I don't understand why they do it. I am ok without people supporting me, but I wish they would not bring me fattening food as a gift even though I have made it clear that for my health I must lose weight.

MagnumBurrito

Personally, I wouldn't voice it.

If we say we're going to do something, our brains makes us feel like we accomplished something when we haven't really done *kitten*.

Some people must follow through when they voice something. It seems like most people would rather just talk the talk, though.

You should watch the secret. You will probably like it. There is value in keeping one's intentions to oneself. There is something more precious and condensed about the intent. Something motivating. It feels like when you state it, it gets spent a little and watered down. Using very bad analogies here but it's a thing.

An example. A friend of mine had trouble with relationships. SOME of them were pretty decent guys. SO on the next decent guy she found I asked her to hold onto it, and him and keep it to herself for awhile. Like a secret. Like to give herself and him time to nurture the relationship between the two of them before introducing to each others friends and family and open it up to scrutiny/opinions. This seemed to work. The last time I talked to her we were both arguing with each other about who no longer had time for whom due to being in a full fledged serious relationship and turning our life completely over to a man who had been deserving of us for months. I went on to marry mine, and that's the last I heard of her, they were engaged and under way was a tour of a different California mission each weekend plan.

I think sometimes we announce our plans too soon and let people take the rug out from under us with their concerns/advice.

Enticing grabber and good post!

25lbsbegone

For many people who say this sort of thing, I think its fear related. People sense the pain behind your decision and your self image, and to make you feel better they attempt to get rid of the thoughts that are making you suffer in the first place.
It's still not an appropriate reaction, but I personally see it as a good gesture.

tomandshell

My doctor didn't say that I was fine just the way I was. He said I needed to lose fifty pounds if I didn't want to end up having a heart attack or stroke.

Achrya

...So if he says 'Good, get to it!' you'd probably think he was an *kitten*. If he tells you you're fine and he likes you just the way he is he isn't supportive enough.


So what response, exactly, would be the proper one? A nomcommital grunt. A tone 'whatever you want dear'?

I don't get people

PennyVonDread

Yes. I find what people (including friends/family) are ultimately objecting to is change. Lots of people are adverse to change. Weight loss is a change and people may think a visual difference can change a personality. Maybe in some cases it can, for better (confidence, appearance, health) or worse (conceited behaviours, food anxiety/guilt, policing others' habits). That doesn't give anyone a say in your body, though. Bodily autonomy is a human right.

hearthwood

First of all don't tell anyone you're "trying" to lose weight, rather say I am going to lose weight.

And YES when you tell a man about your weight, don't expect him to say "good idea you need to lose weight"- LOL. They know very well that women are especially sensitive to their weight and they're certainly not going to want to hurt your feelings by agreeing with you that you're fat.

So don't say anything, you don't need to talk about it, this is not a diet it is a lifestyle change leading to a healthier happier you. And that's something he'll definitely agree with whether he says it or not. All you're doing is eating less, and moving more.

jennifer_417

As long as he's not actively trying to keep you from meeting your goals, then I wouldn't worry about it. He's probably just trying to be supportive, albeit perhaps a bit clumsily. After all, he started dating you the way you are, so he probably really does think you are fine the way you are.

benchsquad65

No one decides what your body looks like but YOU.

People want you stay in that weak, uncomfortable state that you are and they don't want you to rise above them as a stronger, healthier, and happier person.

DavPul

...So if he says 'Good, get to it!' you'd probably think he was an *kitten*. If he tells you you're fine and he likes you just the way he is he isn't supportive enough.


So what response, exactly, would be the proper one? A nomcommital grunt. A tone 'whatever you want dear'?

I don't get people

bajoyba

Just a thought, but maybe he really IS fine with you just the way you are.
And maybe he'll also be fine with you the way you are once you reach your weight loss/fitness goals.

My husband loved me and was attracted to me 80 pounds ago. He still loves me and is attracted to me now. His behavior toward me hasn't changed even though my body has, and when I ask his opinion, he says he loves me no matter what and just wants me to be happy. I'm sure he says that because he's a smart man, but I'm also inclined to believe him because he hasn't given me a reason not to.

And when I think about how I feel regarding his body, I feel the same way. I'm fine with him the way he is. If he decided to bulk or lose weight, I'd be fine with that too. I just want him to be healthy and happy with himself.

I'm also curious as to what response you would prefer to hear from your boyfriend.

cdahl383

I tend to fluctuate in a 10-15 lb range and once I get to the end of that spectrum I start to not like what I see in the mirror and that's when I usually decide to start getting back into shape and stuff. Of course I tell my wife and she says the same thing, she loves me no matter what, but she also says that if I don't feel good about myself, to do something about it, take action, etc. So she supports me by reassuring me that she still thinks I'm attractive but that if I want to better myself, then by all means do it. I would think that most people would feel the same way in a supportive relationship.

brower47

...So if he says 'Good, get to it!' you'd probably think he was an *kitten*. If he tells you you're fine and he likes you just the way he is he isn't supportive enough.


So what response, exactly, would be the proper one? A nomcommital grunt. A tone 'whatever you want dear'?

I don't get people

That first post and the following response... perfection epitomized in forum form. My hat's off to both of you. :drinker: