The Fat Sister

jessi331

I'm not sure this is the right place for "friends". I've been reading a lot of the threads, and people on here are downright mean...but I'll give it a try.

I am the "fat sister". Neither of my sisters have ever weighed over 125lbs when they weren't pregnant. I've never been pregnant, so what's my excuse for being so chubby? My middle sister regularly eats fast food and drinks coffee with the good creamer, and she consistently berates me for my diet. I cook at home and take meals to work, and I make green smoothies for breakfast. I've learned to chop veggies like a pro! Once this week, my coworkers and I got Chipotle. The minuscule half pound I'd lost in the week before is gone, and up to a gain of almost three pounds. I drink lots of water, to the point where I'm not sleeping because I have to get up a couple of times a night. I also don't consume any caffeine. I'm always the one watching the floor when my coworkers make a Starbucks run.

My job involves me being on my feet for about 12hours a day. I almost never sit down except for my morning break and lunch. I do have a life outside of work, and have dinner/happy hour with friends twice a week. I've changed my beverage of choice from craft beer to gin & tonic, and boy do I miss my beer! Sure alcohol isn't great for you, but what's the point of being thin if you're stuck at home alone? I try to pick the best menu items, and eat ahead of time so I don't over eat bar foods. I limit myself also because I can't afford to buy that many drinks or restaurant meals, but spending time with my friends is pretty much my favorite activity.

It just seems any one slip up is so detrimental that I'd have to sit in my apartment with nothing but an apple to ever lose any weight. A friend was selling Plexus, so I tried that. I didn't gain or lose anything for two weeks, and then just started packing it on. It was a nice positive boost at first, and I thought maybe it would help, but I'm growing even faster. I was also hoping to prove wrong all the people who were so negative to me. People sure do love to put others down, I've learned.

I was running and training for a 5k until about mid-June when I got sick. When I tried to get back to running over a week later, it was too hot, and I ended up almost passing out in spite of doing a much lighter run. And that ended my working out that had been consistent for months - again with no weight loss. Damn the Houston humidity!

Last summer, I didn't change anything in my life. We had regular pool parties, and I didn't really do any cooking or exercise. I was drinking only beer and margaritas at happy hours and parties. I was just losing weight. I got down to 120, and was so happy...and had lots of cute clothes! Then job stress hit me. My doc put me on Lexapro to keep me from jumping in front of the Metro each morning just to avoid going to work, and I immediately gained 10 lbs. I quit the pills after three months (and got a new job), and hoped for the weight to fall off...nope. So then I started changing my routines - working out, cooking more - because I swore I'd never be fat again. Well here I am...wishing it was only that 10lbs. I have no clothes because I'm too chubby for everything. I had to dig through boxes to find my worn out fat jeans. I can barely get my scrub pants on and off without my face turning solid red from straining.

I'm too sick to my stomach over how gross I look to even eat breakfast this morning. I tried talking to my sister, but people who have never struggled just don't understand. I've done the calorie tracking before, and it was awful. It made me obsessed with food, and I ate more than I would without counting. My big thing is not cutting anything because it makes me think about food more. So I'm just trying to eat more veggies and fill up on healthy foods instead of driving to Whataburger. Part of me thinks I should just go back to beer and bowls of cheese dip because it seemed to work last year...

And there is my life story as the fat sister. Good morning, happy weekend.

seltzermint555

At first when I was reading this, I thought maybe there is something medically wrong if you are logging all of your food and still gaining or not losing. I was thinking that you sounded a LOT like me when I was at 260-270 lb for years because I went through the same things, turning down the Starbucks run and feeling like "what is wrong with me?" when I ate cucumbers and hummus every day for lunch and still kept the weight on. MFP changed my life.

But honestly...I think it really sounds like you have more psychological issues than real weight related issues. Obviously I don't know all of the details or your weight/health status. But the fact that you were training for a 5k and that you have gotten down to 120 lb at some time, shows me that you're not "that big" whatsoever and your post sounds like a person who has a SERIOUS weight issue, like obesity or even morbid obesity.

I'm just some woman on the internet...but I read your post a couple of times and it seemed "off" to me. I am not claiming to be an expert on anything but I think counseling with someone who really understands body dysmorphic disorder and depression - a really good therapy provider - could help you more than anything else ever will.

I do identify well with a lot of your defeatist comments, along the lines of "I'm not gonna get thin eating healthy so why not have the cheese dip, beer, etc". That's what kept me morbidly obese for years...I had a blah marriage and was the fattest in my family or circle of friends, so I saw no real benefit to getting thinner or healthier. It sounds like you're in the same bad place psychologically. I truly do wish you the best. I also hope you are not offended by this. I read through your post expecting to hear that you weighed 250+ based on everything else you said.

One last note -- "gaining" 3 lb from going to Chipotle isn't uncommon. When you're eating at a deficit and drinking lots of water that will come off in a few days, but I know it's the most frustrating thing ever when you are expecting a loss.