When old insecurities rear their ugly heads….

Chezzie84

I thought that the monsters in my head had been silenced for good. I thought that I was finally learning how to be happy with myself. How wrong I was.
My monster’s had not disappeared, they had just crawled deep into the underground chasms of my mind, sleeping, waiting for he ideal opportunity to crawl out and feast on my newly found self esteem and confidence.

I don’t think these monsters care much who it is they destroy. Gender is not an issue; they will enter the minds of male or female. Age is irrelevant; an older brain is just a good a habitat as a younger one. It also does not matter what the goal of if their “host” is; lose weight, gain weight. It really makes no difference.
As long as there is something that the person dislikes or wants to change about themselves, these monsters will take advantage.

When I first started this journey, the monsters in my mind were prolific. They had convinced me that I was unattractive, I was unsexy and that I was unlovable.
Every advance I made that was met with “rejection” (my partner works a very manual job and often suffers with painful back, shoulders, hip and is also often tired when he gets home from work) was, in my head, his way of telling me he did not find me attractive, that there was something wrong with me and he couldn’t stand the thought of intimacy with me. In my head, he only stuck around because he felt sorry for me and that if he left I would be alone forever.
Completely untrue and down right ridiculous when you consider that I was not slim when we met and that he never mentioned my weight or seemed to care about it either.
In my head, I was fat, ugly and deeply unhappy. I cried a lot. My poor partner comforted me daily and could not understand why I was getting myself so worked up. If he didn’t comfort me, he didn’t care and if he did, I thought he was lying and telling me what I wanted to hear. A no win situation for the poor bloke.

Then a new thought entered my head, if I carry on being miserable and insecure then he would get fed up, leave me and find a beautiful slim, healthy, confident women who deserved his love. So the only way to keep him was to lose weight.

So after joining MFP, learning how to eat in moderation and starting to exercise, the weight started to come off, my self esteem started to return and my self confidence rose. I did things that I thought, I would never do again like wearing a swimming costume on the beach. My I no longer looked at myself in the mirror and felt repulsed and the insecurities I had regarding my relationship disappeared.
I became happy with all aspects of my life.

Then without warning, the monsters reared their ugly head again. It happened so fast, I didn’t even see it coming. On Saturday, I was being pampered in a spa, wandering around in a swimsuit and a bathrobe. Lounging around in the sauna and steam room and swimming in the pool. On Sunday, I felt low and I realised that I am not happy anymore.
I am irrational and insecure. I am having the same arguments in my head as I did 8 months ago and they are as unfounded and pathetic now as they were then.
I find myself worrying about intimacy, I worry that he won’t want to be intimate with me and I also worry that he will.
I worry about up and coming parties because I will look hideous in anything I choose to wear.
I worry about pretty much everything.

Will I ever be truly happy with who I am? Or will I continue to hate myself for ever? I hope not because I liked being happy. I like the women who I had become.
Will these feelings stop when I get to my ideal weight? Is there such thing as an ideal weight? Or am I kidding myself that I could be truly happy?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, but all I know is that I have to keep pushing downwards because if I give in I will never know.

Does anybody else felt like this?
Have you felt like this?
Is there a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?