Feeling discouraged
Replies
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The very warm and supportive posters should be ashamed????!!!!?????How can you all simply acknowledge what is happening here with comments like oh keep up the good work, stay strong, blah blah blah. I rarely post on these forums, but reading this ..... This person is being verbally and mentally assaulted while trying to better them self ...... You all should be ashamed, she needs to walk out the door, not obediently go to walmart at 3am to get food for someone, I get up at 3am for the gym, but if I did not and someone woke me up at 3am for something.... the godamn house better be on fire, or a cat better be stuck in a tree, or jesus better be standing in the living room interviewing for the position of head angel. This thread makes me want to throw my computer across the room, just knowing that someone who treats another human being like that is allowed to exist and breath my air is frustrating.
You feel like throwing your computer across the room???!!!???
You don't sound like such a prize either.
I think what Kessier is trying to say (and if I am wrong, he can correct me) is that a woman, who is trying to lose weight, just posted about being in an abusive relationship (verbal abuse, being woken up at 3am to basically be a servant, etc.). And that this relationship is causing her to struggle with being able to lose weight.
A lot of the responses to her were to stay strong, and keep herself motivated to lose the weight, and he's "mean".And there is nothing wrong with that….but….
It's the fact that some posters ignored or forgot to mention that she should GET OUT of this relationship, for her sake and her children's, is what is mind boggling.
Readers of this post should not be taking away from it that this woman is having a hard time losing weight…they should be taking from it the fact that a woman is in an abusive relationship. This is horrible what she is having to deal with. Her priority right now should not be losing the weight but instead it should be protecting herself and her children from this toxic atmosphere.
Kessier…if that' what your post was about…I agree with you
OP….Please seek some help (women's abuse shelters, support groups, etc.) to help you get your life to a more positive place- without that idiot. Good luck.0 -
I am truly sorry that you are in this situation.
You need to do what you can to get out from this relationship ASAP. You can not become healthy physically while you are continually being belittled and emotionally beaten down.0 -
What you are dealing with is verbal abuse. No one should be treated or talked to in the way you are being talked to. Take control of your weight loss journey to build your self esteem. Take care of yourself.0
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I'm actually shocked by how many people commented on the fact that this was verbal abuse. I mean, I know he is abusive but this specific incident didn't seem that bad to me (it just hurt my feelings). I have never really talked to anyone about how he treats me. I know its bad but I didn't realize that so many people would care to comment. Thanks again guys.
Oh and to answer some of the questions, yes I do have children with him. And the only answer I have as to why I put up with him controlling me and ordering me around is because there are two sides to him: "the annoying/insensitive one" and "the mean one". Honestly, I just prefer to deal withthe aannoying side and I don't have to see the mean side as much.
But thanks everyone for your words of kindness.0 -
time to get out as fast as you can.
Can you advertise for someone to take over the next several months of the lease?
Why did you go out to shop for him, are his legs broken?....... Or does he scare you?
Maybe you have bigger issues to concern yourself with than a bit of weight to lose.
I hope you can get help to leave this terrible living arrangement.
good luck.0 -
I mean, I know he is abusive but this specific incident didn't seem that bad to me (it just hurt my feelings).
You need more than to just lose weight if you think being ordered out of bed at 3 a.m. to go shopping for him is okay. That's not normal.
You know what my SO said to me not too long ago? He said he wouldn't abuse me for two reasons: 1. He just wouldn't because it's wrong; and 2. He says he wouldn't do it because he knows I would hit back.
As long as your self-esteem is in the gutter you'll continue to think this sort of treatment is okay.
If you had a daughter who had a guy who treated her the way your man treats you, what would you tell her?0 -
I was married to a discouraging man and guess what...I left him.
You are beautiful, a good mother and you deserve to be treated like a queen. I am so sorry you are feeling discouraged and under appreciated. If you ever need to vent/talk, I'm on here all the time and will always listen
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Y do you stay with this asshat and let him push you around? LEAVE honey, leave. Life is too short to be ordered around by a d*ckhole like this. Let him buy his own groceries. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past. I stayed way too long because he escalated slowly and I did not know what was going on until way too much time had elapsed. Now I feel like an idiot for enduring it a single day.
Get out of there. To hell with this chump. If yr married to him then divorce him.0 -
Yep, leave.0
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I'm going to be totally, brutally honest right now. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out. Not only for you, but for the sake of your children. Do you really want them growing up thinking this is how women are supposed to be treated?0
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What possible reason could you have for putting up with this kind of abuse? What possible reason could you have for putting your children through this kind of abuse? Weight be damned, you need to get the hell out of this "relationship" NOW! You don't deserve it. No one does. You need to get yourself enough self respect to leave his sorry butt.
Sorry, but this has no where to go but downhill. This is NOT the kind of abuse you want your children to learn.0 -
Please buy and read the following book:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans
also:
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel
Being in an emotionally abusive relationship can be devastating and is likely contributing to your weight issue. If possible, I would also recommend some counseling to try to figure out where you're at, how you got there and how to get out.
Best wishes and friend me if you'd like -- I've been there, too, but am not there any more.0 -
I'm actually shocked by how many people commented on the fact that this was verbal abuse. I mean, I know he is abusive but this specific incident didn't seem that bad to me (it just hurt my feelings). I have never really talked to anyone about how he treats me. I know its bad but I didn't realize that so many people would care to comment. Thanks again guys.
Oh and to answer some of the questions, yes I do have children with him. And the only answer I have as to why I put up with him controlling me and ordering me around is because there are two sides to him: "the annoying/insensitive one" and "the mean one". Honestly, I just prefer to deal withthe aannoying side and I don't have to see the mean side as much.
But thanks everyone for your words of kindness.
^
I thought this might be a troll post, but in case it's for real .....
Are you waiting for him to turn into the "physically abusive one" ?
GET OUT OF THERE !0 -
I know exactly what you are going through. He wants her to get up at 3 AM and go to Walmart so he can show her
who is in control. Then if she gets upset about being treated so badly she will feel like she is worthless. If she feels worthless
she may begin to eat to make herself feel better then he will feel righteous and all knowing when everything he said comes true.
He does not want her to succeed in her weight loss because he wants to keep her under his control. If she succeeds in loosing weight she may gain confidence and love for herself and she will no longer accept the abuse he is giving her each and every day. He is either afraid of loosing control over her or he is a narcissist feeding off her emotions.
The shame is that her (your) children will eventually begin to disrespect you as well because you allow him, and in time them, to treat you badly. I say this because I was you many years ago.I too felt powerless to do anything about my situation, only to find out that I was powerless because I gave up the power willingly to anyone that would take it.
People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. In time I hope that you will be able to turn things around. I found that it is true that no one will love you until you love yourself. No one respects someone that does not respect themselves. I do hope you walk this journey for yourself even if you have to walk it alone. The further you walk the stronger you will become. Know that you are not alone. There are many of us that are right there with you. Please keep in contact, we all need each others support.0 -
The minute you said he "sent" you to Walmart, warning lights went off in my head. Why can't he go himself? Did I miss a good reason in your post?0
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You know who you are, and you know your heart. Although someone being so callous and cruel does hurt, especially the one that is supposed to be your greatest support, resist the urge to let him and the cruel statements define you. Let yourself cry. I feel that is so important, I have trouble with crying as well so if you have to listen to music or watch a show that makes you sad. I feel crying and getting the hurt out somehow is important. God Bless and stay strong. You are deserving!0
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It's abuse. PERIOD. I have seen the tail end of this kind of crap too many times. Why did you go for him at 3am? Could it be because you feared him if you didn't. He is controlling you. Pure and simple. *kitten* like that get arrested time and time again and it gets worse each time. Get out.0
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queenbcu so sorry hugs also.. I ve been with a guy like u have..&he was always hurtful&mean&say anything just to get me to binge also... hang in there.. ignore him think POSITIVE THOUGHTS..,also he's verbally abusing u.. I to this day it took me awhile but im no longer with that guy&im on my own.. id rather be alone than to put up w/that ****.. good luck to u .. U can do this do it for u&your kids.. soo u can be around longer hes wrong u can do this.. U'r strong!!&No man will should ever tell u any different.. U have lots of support here!! type all u want we r here for u 0
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I am having a hard time understanding why you would allow anyone to wake you up at 3 a.m., and then send you to Walmart.
This. WTF?0 -
I don't think you told us if you're married to him or not?0
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Is there a woman's shelter or family you can move in with?
Your children shouldnt have to witness this kind of manipulation and belittlement.0 -
How can you all simply acknowledge what is happening here with comments like oh keep up the good work, stay strong, blah blah blah. I rarely post on these forums, but reading this ..... This person is being verbally and mentally assaulted while trying to better them self ...... You all should be ashamed, she needs to walk out the door, not obediently go to walmart at 3am to get food for someone, I get up at 3am for the gym, but if I did not and someone woke me up at 3am for something.... the godamn house better be on fire, or a cat better be stuck in a tree, or jesus better be standing in the living room interviewing for the position of head angel. This thread makes me want to throw my computer across the room, just knowing that someone who treats another human being like that is allowed to exist and breath my air is frustrating.
Really.0 -
We don't know if you're married or not (as stated above) and if you are, that adds another level to this "relationship". If you aren't, and you're not in a position to do anything in terms of moving out until May, start getting your ducks in order now. When May comes, which I assume is the time your lease is up and you will be in a financial place to leave, then all the legwork and research should already be done. If it's not, then you're just setting yourself up for excuses to stay.
As far as getting healthy for revenge...well, that in itself is not healthy. You need to keep doing what you're doing to get healthy for you, first and foremost. Not your kids, not your significant other, not for revenge, not for anything or anyone...but yourself. Keep focused on your end goal, and don't let these bumps in the road deter you from that. The by product of getting healthy for yourself will take care of all of those other reasons which may be secondary. As you lose weight and gain strength and endurance, you will gain confidence and a sense of accomplishment. This is something you have complete and total control over. This is where you're choices are yours and yours alone.
You're in a bad relationship with an abusive controlling person, you already know this. You know something has to change. None of this is news to you...you also know the choice is yours to stay or go. Staying keeps you in your comfort zone, which isn't all that comfortable, however, you do know what to expect. Leaving is out of your comfort zone, it's scary and you have no idea what's going to happen. That's not always a bad thing...as a matter of fact, it may be the best decision you ever make. It may not seem like it at first, but its like everything else, you have to take it one day at a time and one step at a time...everything gets easier over time.0 -
Okay....so this is gonna be your post for one year from now.
""So, everyone who read how disgustingly awful my significant other was, here is where I am today. I decided to seek my revenge by making myself into a better person and dropping this weight. I am now within range of my goal weight and have done some other life altering things to improve my situation. My significant other has changed his attitude a little, as other men are now noticing me as I walk by with my new, slim, toned body. Every time my significant other puts me down now, I remind him that I am beautiful enough now to easily find someone else, so he better shape up or ship out. I now have the power in my relationship, because he can not emotionally bash me, else I threaten to leave him (and let's face it, with his attitude, he could not find anyone else, LOL).
I am now down to my last 20 pounds and plan to take that off slowly as I ease into maintenance. And, BTW, my significant other got so emotionally distraught over my new figure and all the attention I get, that HE gained about 50 pounds and he is now the beached whale who can not get off the couch. But, I don't bash his weight, I just remind him how he treated me when I was that way. Fate sure has its sense of humor, no?
I also went back to school and got my degree and now have a great new job. I make more money than my counter part, which I have to admit, I do remind him of often. He hasn't apologized for how he treated me in the past, and I don't ask for it. But, I know he thinks of it every time he lugs his fat frame in front of the bathroom mirror and when he falls backwards trying to get off the couch.
Just wanted to update all of you."" (we hope to see you post something like this in one year, so stay here with us)
So, hang on to the knot at the end of the rope and keep focused on your goal....and every time he puts you down, simply look at him and remind him that there is coming a day when he will eat those words and regret how he is treating you. Use your anger at his words to work out even harder, log even better, hit your macros even closer, and get the job done.
Good Luck0 -
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How can you all simply acknowledge what is happening here with comments like oh keep up the good work, stay strong, blah blah blah. I rarely post on these forums, but reading this ..... This person is being verbally and mentally assaulted while trying to better them self ...... You all should be ashamed, she needs to walk out the door, not obediently go to walmart at 3am to get food for someone, I get up at 3am for the gym, but if I did not and someone woke me up at 3am for something.... the godamn house better be on fire, or a cat better be stuck in a tree, or jesus better be standing in the living room interviewing for the position of head angel. This thread makes me want to throw my computer across the room, just knowing that someone who treats another human being like that is allowed to exist and breath my air is frustrating.
I AGREE 100%. I have to say, I think this person is trolling. Does he beat you if you don't go to the grocery store for him??
That's the only reason I can see not to tell him to **** off and that if he wakes you up again at 3AM, you will kick him in the balls.0 -
No biggie Just do your thing and don't let it get to you. Next time if you feel like buying healthy go for it! Your doing it for yourself not anybody else so you should not seek his or anyone else's approval. And if you are you can have my approval of buying healthy foods anyday! 0
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You said you're stuck in a lease agreement until middle of next year right, if you really really can't just pack up the kids and get the hell away from this guy well that gives you 9 months or so to plan on how to remove yourself what this abusive relationship in a way that won't cause you any additional hassle in the meantime.
Seriously no-one deserves to be treated the way you have been and I shudder to think what the "mean" side of his personality is capable of doing to you, or your children in the future.
Seek help from local support groups and get yourself a plan together, continue with your efforts to lose weight, and look at it as part of your move towards a better life for you and your children away from this creep.0 -
Aw girl, I don't even know where to start.
First off, as most of the people here told you, your relationship shows all the signs of an abusive one. You said "[it] didn't seem that bad to me (it just hurt my feelings)", but that's exactly what verbal abuse IS. Google "signs of an abusive relationship", and I'm willing to bet that a vast majority will apply to the situation you're in.
I can imagine it's not easy to leave when you have kids together and are bound by a lease, but you have to ask yourself: do you want to continue living with a man that is already abusing you, and will most likely get worse with time? Do you want to risk your children's health and well-being, when he might lash out at them too? (You didn't write anything about him abusing your kids too, so I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but it's often the case). Is it really impossible to escape this destructive prison, when everything that's most important for you (your health, mental and physical, your loved ones, your life even) is at stake?
I don't live in the U.S., so I don't know what kind of help for abuse victims you have in your area, but I'm sure you can find it. Get any help you can, and please, for your children and yourself, get out of there as soon as you can.
Also, everything that the post below says:
If you need more support, you can add me on MFP, although let's face it, all I can offer are words of encouragement and virtual hugs. Hang in there, girl, we believe in you!We don't know if you're married or not (as stated above) and if you are, that adds another level to this "relationship". If you aren't, and you're not in a position to do anything in terms of moving out until May, start getting your ducks in order now. When May comes, which I assume is the time your lease is up and you will be in a financial place to leave, then all the legwork and research should already be done. If it's not, then you're just setting yourself up for excuses to stay.
As far as getting healthy for revenge...well, that in itself is not healthy. You need to keep doing what you're doing to get healthy for you, first and foremost. Not your kids, not your significant other, not for revenge, not for anything or anyone...but yourself. Keep focused on your end goal, and don't let these bumps in the road deter you from that. The by product of getting healthy for yourself will take care of all of those other reasons which may be secondary. As you lose weight and gain strength and endurance, you will gain confidence and a sense of accomplishment. This is something you have complete and total control over. This is where you're choices are yours and yours alone.
You're in a bad relationship with an abusive controlling person, you already know this. You know something has to change. None of this is news to you...you also know the choice is yours to stay or go. Staying keeps you in your comfort zone, which isn't all that comfortable, however, you do know what to expect. Leaving is out of your comfort zone, it's scary and you have no idea what's going to happen. That's not always a bad thing...as a matter of fact, it may be the best decision you ever make. It may not seem like it at first, but its like everything else, you have to take it one day at a time and one step at a time...everything gets easier over time.0 -
well maybe one day soon you will put yourself first and get rid of the negative factors in your life. Surround yourself with people who bring you up not down. IF you choose to stay with this man, then maybe some marriage counseling is needed. If you don't then it will be the step closer to the new you. I found with my divorce, that the best weight I ever lost was the 200lb man in my life. Just saying. There are underlying reasons behind his comments. It is not all you. By the way why aren't the vegies for the dam kids? My kids always loved salads. They need vegies. So does he dammit. I hate reading these types of threads. I just want to grab you and hug you and tell you how you deserve so much more. You are worth it. Losing weight is just as much physical as it is psychological. Just keep doing it for you and your health and your kids. The more you lose weight is the more you will gain confidence and the strength to keep going on in your journey. It is easy for the outsiders to point out what flaws are in your relationship. ITs is easy for them to say just leave him. But in the end its you that has to see this. You have to decide to stop taking it lying down. When you do, either by getting out or by counseling and communication then it will be a good day for all of you. Kids see this and hear this no matter how much you try to hide it. Think of what they are learning. SHow them its not okay to do this to someone you claim to love. Love yourself honey. For now, what I would do is buy the stuff without the jerk knowing. Just put it on the grocery list you make for the week. Stick to the list and then you wont run out. Good luck.0
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