Guilt - Again. (Long-ish)

velix

re-post from my mfp blog - looking for advice / those with similar feelings.

I went to the gym 4 times this week - I burned over 900 cals each time (in 1.5 hour workouts). I have been under my calorie intake every day this week. Yet, I still feel ridiculously guilty for opting not to go to the gym today. I know I can go and do a 30 min. cardio session or something at home, but that's not the actual issue at hand.

The issue is that I know that it is ok to take a day or two off a week. My trainer has always been adamant that I should maintain a workout schedule that I aim to maintain once the weight is lost. He has seen many people come in, work 5 - 7 days a week, lose a ton of weight and then go to the gym 1 - 2 times a week and gain weight back. So, my approach has always been to try to make 4x a week my goal. So far so good.

BUT. Since I've joined MFP (and I do love it), being aware of the cost of every bite of food has started to make me feel guilty. I feel like if I want to eat I need to go to the gym - which is completely irrational, I know. A non-gym day is 1300 cals for me to 'lose' weight... completely doable (oddly, on the days I work out, I usually only eat around 1500 instead of the 2200 it assigns me). But on the days that I don't work out, I panic over every bite, and find it hard to not go over 1300...
I feel like I need to "earn" the right to have a (light) beer while watching the hockey game. That if I want a whole egg (and not just the egg white) I need to go to the gym. Completely irrational - I know. And I REALLY hate FEELING this way. I KNOW better, yet my brain is getting all messed up.

For the longest time, while I sympathized with people who had eating disorders, I never quite understood how an otherwise 'smart' person would end up behaving in such destructive ways. One could argue that by allowing myself to gain weight over the years, I also veered into destructive patterns, but I would disagree. For the most part, I was always thin except the last 5 years or so. Never worried too much about my weight and have been relatively healthy. It is the "just wait, it will catch up with you" bit - I gained weight out of a change in lifestyle (kids grew up, change of 'job', and a bike accident that messed up my ankle). I have always been someone who just "lived" - eating what I wanted and drank when I wanted to. I was never too much of a fast food junkie.

When I decided, after 2 years of paying for a personal trainer but never watching what I ate (lost 30lbs), to join MFP to keep track of my food intake as well, things started getting muddy in my head. I know tracking is the logical way to lose weight (and I've lost 6 lbs in 4 weeks - not too bad) - but I am not sure I am liking the mental effect it is having on me. I know that it is about a "lifestyle" change. I really like the fact that I have more of an idea of what an actual portion is (OMG my steak was 8oz not 3!!) and how much food I actually "need" for my body to function healthily, but I find myself feeling guilty all the time - when I eat well but don't work out; when I work out but don't eat well; hell, even when I work out and eat well! While I know my old ways were not "healthy" per se, I don't think what's going on in my brain is either.

On that note, I will keep on trucking along and see where this takes me - I really hope to stop tracking food after about 6 months - I came here to learn through tracking - not make tracking part of my lifestyle....

iRun4wine

Great post. I actually can relate to you in many ways. It's definitely about balance... but, easier said that done. Hang in there :flowerforyou: I wish you much success :flowerforyou:

hop3

I have been where you are and on some days I still am. I got very depressed and stressed over the weight I was gaining even though I wasn't eating terrible and I was working out.

I finally seen my doctor and actually expressed all of how I was feeling. She recommended I see a counselor and try a short tern anti-depressant/anti-anxiety Medication. I was only on the medication for about 6 months, but I continue to see my counselor. It helps me work through the guilt and anxiety of watching calories and exercising. This approach may not work for all.

When I became 100% dedicated to losing weight and becoming healthy for my family I joined MFP. I have lost a total of 13lbs so far and 2 since using MFP.

I too hope that I don't always have to count calories, but it was very much an eye opener to see how much I was really consuming. Maybe after some time I will gain enough knowledge to "just know".

I wish you all the best. I am here if you need someone to just vent to, having support always helps

quara

Hi there,

I read your post a couple days ago but wanted to respond. I can really relate to what you're saying! A few years back, I dropped about 40 pounds and felt great. However, I think I was almost on the verge of an eating disorder.... all I would eat was vegetables, I'd count calories of everything, including individual grapes or carrots, and I felt like I couldn't enjoy anything anymore. I was always counting calories, figuring out how to burn calories, figuring out what I could eat or what I couldn't eat, and I couldn't enjoy the things that I used to do with my friends anymore, like trying new restaurants or going out to the bar. I stopped getting my period for almost a year. I looked awesome (or so I thought), but nothing was fun!

Eventually I was able to put that aside, put on a few pounds, and I was in a good place until I met my boyfriend (now husband) and started putting on weight again. But every time I try to lose weight, I get almost obsessive and hugely guilty about everything again. I don't want to go back to where I was before, but I find it very hard to find the balance between having it consume my life, or just not caring at all and packing on the pounds.

Best of luck to you!!

superwmn

I understand where you are coming from.

Perhaps think of your calories as 'weekly' instead of 'daily'. Per your post, you are 'under' on some days. Being 'over' your calories on other days, if you're looking at the entire week, means you're still within (likely under) your calories as opposed to over.

This is forever. You can do it in a realxed and non-obsessive way. I swear it is possible.

Charmagne

bobdubya

I was thinking the EXACT thing a few days ago. That is, the more I track the more obsessed I'm getting with it. But I just tell myself if I don't go to the gym and only have a 100 cal deficit, no big deal cause "yesterday" I did go to the gym and I had a 900 cal deficit..