Struggling with family opinion of weight

sammyjineson

I come from a small family. Parents and 1 sister. For as long as I have known I have always been the smaller sister and my mother has always hounded my sister saying she needs to loose weight and would poke her in the tummy. However, my sister has been working hard in the gym and is now not only looking fantastic but she is approximately the same size as me. The only problem is, is that my mother is now constantly telling me to loose weight and that my tummy is too podgy and as of this week my sister has got in on it as well telling me she is skinnier than me and im looking fat. It is really bringing me down and I'm at a loss at what to do as I don't feel as though I am too big (I'm a size 10nz). I have tried telling my mother this but she just seems to laugh it off and then offer me more food.
Is anyone else in a similar position or know what can/could be done? I feel like I need to diet or not eat for my own mother to realise that I am not fat :sad:

peachmagic

Honestly that behaviour is borderline abusive and your family should not be treating you, or anyone else, that way. Remind yourself that what matters is how YOU feel and not how your family is telling you to feel. Best of luck ♥

hearthwood

Well, if you're not overweight they shouldn't be bothering you. If you're comfortable that's all that matters. Weird family structure going on.

Sunitagt

Just ignore them and do what's right for you. If you want to improve your health, then do it for you, but if you do it because of someone else, it will probably be more difficult to stick with.

LAT1963

Is family counseling an option?

If body composition measurement is available (some gyms offer it at low cost), and if you are of a normal weight, then you could get numbers that show you are of normal weight, and counter their accusation with hard facts. eg: "Science says normal fat for women is 20-22%, and I just got measured at 21%, so quit bugging me and if you don't like it, take it up with a shrink."

heather1945

i feel for you...For years my Mother would tell her friends, sometimes in front of me...Oh, yes she's a big girl! Big my foot!!!! Looking back now I can see I was 'normal'. There were a lot of skinny kids around me!!! As for the abuse you are having to take, it's not easy, but ignore it!!!! You must have joined here for a reason. - your own? Not to please other people??? If you need a friend, I'll be one...I live in the South Island, on the east coast...I would be happy to think I could give you any support you need...

Patttience

Well that sounds like an annoying situation. Your mother is obviously not a great listener and doesn't really get where you are coming from when you try to assert your needs. So i htink you will have to do something a bit shocking to break through her habitual way of responding to your needs.

Don't worry, most people have this problem with someone.

To get her to listen you need to do something unexpected, something that you don't normally do. That is you need to try to communicate your needs in a way that will reach through and let her know in no uncertain terms what it is you need.

In the you will know best what might work but maybe others here can come up with some ideas.

So you do take the nice and loving approach or do you take the not so nice approach.

The nice and loiving approach might be writing a heartfelt letter and pouring your heart into it.

The not so nice approach might be to suddenly stop doing somethign that you normally do, eg eating anything at all that she cooks or serves you. Or ignoring her until she starts to take notice of you. Of course before you take this approach you will have to let her know what you want. But you don't tell her what you are going to do. you don't tell her you refuse to eat anything until she stops pestering you. or you don't tell her you are going ot ignore her until she stops pestering you. You just do and let her try to figure it out for herself or come and ask you why you are beahving in this strange way.

Above all do not get into an argument with her. Just state your needs and end the conversation unless she agrees to go along with you. Restart the behaviour if she appears not to be doing it.

If all fails take her along with you to a coucilling session and enlist the help of hte councillor to get her to see your point of view and your needs.


Anyway famlies are notoriously thick when it comes to dealing with each. Its veyr hard to get our needs across some time with at least one family member.

IN this case clearly your mother has issues anxiety around food and or appearance. Trying to control yoru behaviours is easier for her than it is to address her own needs. And its become a habit.

I hope you can resolve it more easily than i make it sound.

MyChocolateDiet

Your mom is a class A bully and unlikely to change.

Unfortunately, some women who did not learn to be a human first get to have kids and screw them up royally by messing with their self esteem. This can lead to horrific problems in girls like self harm, promiscuity, etc. and so on....but you are older and seem to be aware and don't have that yet so I think it's looking like you "made it" now you just need to 1) lay low and 2) get out.

She does show the traits of an abuser. I don't know if she's an abuser but I've known plenty of women like her EVERYONE annoys them. They dislike SO MANY people. MANY people just bother them or they find a problem with or whatever. I worked with a gal who decided to call herself office manager and used this "title" to invite alternating women to lunch to talk about the other, only to change the players the following day. So I knew Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays it was my turn to go to lunch with her, (and eventually I figured have to hear about the other lady). Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays I figured out it was the other ladies turn to hear all bad things about me. See? Clever eh? It makes everyone around them look bad and feel bad, they never look bad and they get to have ALL TEH FRIENDZ!!! Remember I've seen this EVERYWHERE, and the dynamic is always the same. Preserve herself while annihilating everyone that she can reach. Forever.

She shifted from your sister once she could no longer poke at her and needed a new "punching bag" as they put it in DV. So she's turned on you. You and your sister could be perfect images of perfection and guess what? She will still find something to pick on. She would scour your perfect heads for that ONE single split end and hold it up to the light for the other sister to see and ridicule. She is pitting you against one another and it's a sad sad shame.

Women like her rarely change. I'm an older woman and I've seen her type in almost every social situation including this app. There is always one but you've had the misfortune that it is your mom, mine was my godmother. (My mom was a sweetheart but my godmother picked on her. That's my first experience with this.) Her daughters survived her, you can survive yours. Steel yourself to them emotionally and make every effort to get out on your own as fast as possible. Make no decisions or changes regarding your weight or health goals until you are out on your own and thinking clearly without her droning on in your head. Until you can be sure your thoughts, methods, goals, and intentions are your own.

Women like her will just move on from one victim to the next and are never satisfied with anyone, have a LONG list of people who they "dislike" or who "annoy" them or whom they make fun of. Then when they are done with one victim demonizing or picking on them and that person either is destroyed, or moves on on their own, they just find another target. You are lucky/happy when you are not the one being made fun of (and she wants you to do ANYTHING for her to stay that way) and that's what's happening to your sister right now. She was the target and right now it's feeling like a releif and maybe even a little fun to be the one poking. Ultimately though, your sister remembers what it was like to be the picked on one and will do anything not to be. People like your mom can rally anyone at anytime using this kind of fear. Like I said, I've seen it a LOT. I'm older. I was in every kind of social group imaginable from an early age, dance/cheer/drama club/pageants/academic competitions the list goes on and on until my current age where I'm still in things like PTA and sellers associations etc. It's a real thing and that person never changes. I've never seen one change yet. In all my years.

Until you can get out on your own, since you still have to live there distance yourself emotionally and in every other way as much as you can. Sign up for clubs at school, get a part time job, tutor friends, go the gym/library, etc. Then as I said make a steady and unwavering plan to move out on your own. Don't tell her about it, you know what she will do.

I don't think the suggestions of counseling are too far off. If you can get some, just go in and tell them you want to work on some interpersonal relationships you find problematic. You're not crazy, but you are in a tough situation that counseling can help you see things clearly. It is probably psychological or whatever they call that abuse but I don't want you to see yourself or the situation that way because so far you don't have the victim mentality and I don't think that would serve you anyways. It would just get you riled up to have a screaming match one day calling her an abuser which might really make her fly off the handle.

Here's a gif that might be useful to you in the near future until you get out. (it works for life too)

MyChocolateDiet

caterpillar2008

I completely feel your pain. My family is pretty similar, no matter my size (and this can range from 118lbs up to 210lbs) I have always been criticised for my weight.

The range of criticisms vary too, from being ridiculed in front of people, having an intervention type situation staged and even being pulled to one side for my parents to be nearly in tears and acting as though I have an extreme heroin addiction and im killing myself.

I cant tell you the pressure I feel from them. My mum has always been pretty slim (she was a dancer for much of her life) and my dad was an athlete and a gymnast. In his later years he has massively piled on the pounds and is fighting it on a daily basis. Regardless, theyre both very focused on the idea that health and beauty comes from being thin if not borderline skinny.

What it ultimately comes down to is that they care. The way they go about showing it can be pretty messed up but at the end of the day their ways of expressing their concerns can come across as hurtful (among other things) because the situation makes them uncomfortable. Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that makes what theyre doing ok! Far from it. But to understand their perspective helps.

When youre ready, it might be worth talking with your mum. I explained to mine that I love her and know she loves me and is trying to show me she cares but its not the right way to go about it. I told her that out of everyone in my life right now, the only people that dont accept me as I am and only see my weight, are my parents. I asked her, why would I want to spend time with them if theyre the only people that make a point to criticise and make me feel like a failure and not good enough?

When I honestly, but carefully put it to her like that, it broke her heart. She never ever wanted to make me feel so insecure and worthless, she had no idea what she was doing was ultimately so hurtful.

Most peoples parents often see themselves in their children and only want the best for us. In doing this they have panic reactions and dont always think things through.

I really hope youre able to make some headway and you know youre not alone. Never let anyone make you feel like youre not good enough. If Ive just rambled and given you useless advice then just ignore me! =D

Xxx

Lemongrab13

Move out.
If you don't live together, cease contact.
I understand your sister's side. She likely felt you didn't stick up for her (or maybe you joined in or laughed?) so now this is her revenge.
But your mother is ridiculous.

sljohnson1207

Well, what I would do is get far away from them. That may or may not be doable, but it's my earnest advise. Do it ASAP and keep on doing you because she is going to keep on doing it.

hoyalawya2003

The advice above re: your mother is spot-on. She isn't going to change.

I would take your sister aside and tell her that her comments are hurtful. I would remind her that you never piled on when your mother criticized her (which I sincerely hope you can say), and that you expect the same kindness from her. She sounds like she still carries some issues from your mother's behavior, which is understandable, but she shouldn't be taking them out on you.

seltzermint555

Your mom is a class A bully and unlikely to change.

Unfortunately, some women who did not learn to be a human first get to have kids and screw them up royally by messing with their self esteem. This can lead to horrific problems in girls like self harm, promiscuity, etc. and so on....but you are older and seem to be aware and don't have that yet so I think it's looking like you "made it" now you just need to 1) lay low and 2) get out.

She does show the traits of an abuser. I don't know if she's an abuser but I've known plenty of women like her EVERYONE annoys them. They dislike SO MANY people. MANY people just bother them or they find a problem with or whatever. I worked with a gal who decided to call herself office manager and used this "title" to invite alternating women to lunch to talk about the other, only to change the players the following day. So I knew Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays it was my turn to go to lunch with her, (and eventually I figured have to hear about the other lady). Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays I figured out it was the other ladies turn to hear all bad things about me. See? Clever eh? It makes everyone around them look bad and feel bad, they never look bad and they get to have ALL TEH FRIENDZ!!! Remember I've seen this EVERYWHERE, and the dynamic is always the same. Preserve herself while annihilating everyone that she can reach. Forever.

She shifted from your sister once she could no longer poke at her and needed a new "punching bag" as they put it in DV. So she's turned on you. You and your sister could be perfect images of perfection and guess what? She will still find something to pick on. She would scour your perfect heads for that ONE single split end and hold it up to the light for the other sister to see and ridicule. She is pitting you against one another and it's a sad sad shame.

Women like her rarely change. I'm an older woman and I've seen her type in almost every social situation including this app. There is always one but you've had the misfortune that it is your mom, mine was my godmother. (My mom was a sweetheart but my godmother picked on her. That's my first experience with this.) Her daughters survived her, you can survive yours. Steel yourself to them emotionally and make every effort to get out on your own as fast as possible. Make no decisions or changes regarding your weight or health goals until you are out on your own and thinking clearly without her droning on in your head. Until you can be sure your thoughts, methods, goals, and intentions are your own.

Women like her will just move on from one victim to the next and are never satisfied with anyone, have a LONG list of people who they "dislike" or who "annoy" them or whom they make fun of. Then when they are done with one victim demonizing or picking on them and that person either is destroyed, or moves on on their own, they just find another target. You are lucky/happy when you are not the one being made fun of (and she wants you to do ANYTHING for her to stay that way) and that's what's happening to your sister right now. She was the target and right now it's feeling like a releif and maybe even a little fun to be the one poking. Ultimately though, your sister remembers what it was like to be the picked on one and will do anything not to be. People like your mom can rally anyone at anytime using this kind of fear. Like I said, I've seen it a LOT. I'm older. I was in every kind of social group imaginable from an early age, dance/cheer/drama club/pageants/academic competitions the list goes on and on until my current age where I'm still in things like PTA and sellers associations etc. It's a real thing and that person never changes. I've never seen one change yet. In all my years.

Until you can get out on your own, since you still have to live there distance yourself emotionally and in every other way as much as you can. Sign up for clubs at school, get a part time job, tutor friends, go the gym/library, etc. Then as I said make a steady and unwavering plan to move out on your own. Don't tell her about it, you know what she will do.

I don't think the suggestions of counseling are too far off. If you can get some, just go in and tell them you want to work on some interpersonal relationships you find problematic. You're not crazy, but you are in a tough situation that counseling can help you see things clearly. It is probably psychological or whatever they call that abuse but I don't want you to see yourself or the situation that way because so far you don't have the victim mentality and I don't think that would serve you anyways. It would just get you riled up to have a screaming match one day calling her an abuser which might really make her fly off the handle.

Here's a gif that might be useful to you in the near future until you get out. (it works for life too)

so much yes. Listen to this girl.

meridianova

i grew up with a mom who was constantly on me about my weight, too. when i was growing up, my mom was always thin, but i didn't inherit her body type so i'm built to be stockier, more muscular, and i put on weight far more easily than she ever did. i'm not sure if being an only child was better or worse, since the chances were good that my sibling would have inherited her body type (it's a trend in her family... firstborn children of the women in her family inherit the father's bodytype, secondborn children inherit the mother's). so at least i was the only target, but i also didn't have anyone else as an immediate comparison.

my mom's always been a control freak. i swear, her favorite thing in the world was to say "no" to me, especially when it came to food. if someone sent something to the family for a holiday, she made sure it was portioned out and eaten by my stepsisters, stepdad, and herself before i ever saw it. my grandparents would send a box of handmade chocolates, and if i asked for one i was told "no!" with a smirk. but it was plainly obvious that she "approved" of my stepsisters because they were thin, and i was an embarrassment. yet she harped on me about losing weight, about exercising, and in the same breath would insist that i finish all the food on my plate, including dessert. :huh:

and almost to make matters worse, the times i did lose weight she never said a word. there was never any positive reinforcement, no praise, no appreciation. it's as if she's incapable of complimenting me for any physical attributes. even when i mentioned to her that i didn't eat anymore (full swing anorexia, in college), she and her sister looked at each other with hilarious incredulity and burst out laughing, as if the concept of the fat daughter not eating was utterly ridiculous.

over the last 10 years i've been able to stand up to her more and more. about 6 years ago, she finally decided it was time to move into an assisted living facility (she's been in a wheelchair since 2000). in the space of about 2 years, she put on 100lbs, and in the next 3 put on about 100 more. we planned a surprise birthday party for her, and my stepsister warned me that she'd gained so much weight that they had to use a lift to get her in and out of her wheelchair. when i picked her up to take her to lunch, she gave me her standard immediate criticisms... that i had a different hairstyle (i didn't, i've had the same one for years), and that i'd gained weight since she last saw me (i hadn't, i was a few pounds less). i wasn't going to say anything, and then realized that no, i'd had enough. i looked at her and said "actually mom, i haven't gained any weight... but you aren't exactly 118 pounds anymore, are you???"

rebeccaplatt21

Your mom is a class A bully and unlikely to change.

Unfortunately, some women who did not learn to be a human first get to have kids and screw them up royally by messing with their self esteem. This can lead to horrific problems in girls like self harm, promiscuity, etc. and so on....but you are older and seem to be aware and don't have that yet so I think it's looking like you "made it" now you just need to 1) lay low and 2) get out.

She does show the traits of an abuser. I don't know if she's an abuser but I've known plenty of women like her EVERYONE annoys them. They dislike SO MANY people. MANY people just bother them or they find a problem with or whatever. I worked with a gal who decided to call herself office manager and used this "title" to invite alternating women to lunch to talk about the other, only to change the players the following day. So I knew Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays it was my turn to go to lunch with her, (and eventually I figured have to hear about the other lady). Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays I figured out it was the other ladies turn to hear all bad things about me. See? Clever eh? It makes everyone around them look bad and feel bad, they never look bad and they get to have ALL TEH FRIENDZ!!! Remember I've seen this EVERYWHERE, and the dynamic is always the same. Preserve herself while annihilating everyone that she can reach. Forever.

She shifted from your sister once she could no longer poke at her and needed a new "punching bag" as they put it in DV. So she's turned on you. You and your sister could be perfect images of perfection and guess what? She will still find something to pick on. She would scour your perfect heads for that ONE single split end and hold it up to the light for the other sister to see and ridicule. She is pitting you against one another and it's a sad sad shame.

Women like her rarely change. I'm an older woman and I've seen her type in almost every social situation including this app. There is always one but you've had the misfortune that it is your mom, mine was my godmother. (My mom was a sweetheart but my godmother picked on her. That's my first experience with this.) Her daughters survived her, you can survive yours. Steel yourself to them emotionally and make every effort to get out on your own as fast as possible. Make no decisions or changes regarding your weight or health goals until you are out on your own and thinking clearly without her droning on in your head. Until you can be sure your thoughts, methods, goals, and intentions are your own.

Women like her will just move on from one victim to the next and are never satisfied with anyone, have a LONG list of people who they "dislike" or who "annoy" them or whom they make fun of. Then when they are done with one victim demonizing or picking on them and that person either is destroyed, or moves on on their own, they just find another target. You are lucky/happy when you are not the one being made fun of (and she wants you to do ANYTHING for her to stay that way) and that's what's happening to your sister right now. She was the target and right now it's feeling like a releif and maybe even a little fun to be the one poking. Ultimately though, your sister remembers what it was like to be the picked on one and will do anything not to be. People like your mom can rally anyone at anytime using this kind of fear. Like I said, I've seen it a LOT. I'm older. I was in every kind of social group imaginable from an early age, dance/cheer/drama club/pageants/academic competitions the list goes on and on until my current age where I'm still in things like PTA and sellers associations etc. It's a real thing and that person never changes. I've never seen one change yet. In all my years.

Until you can get out on your own, since you still have to live there distance yourself emotionally and in every other way as much as you can. Sign up for clubs at school, get a part time job, tutor friends, go the gym/library, etc. Then as I said make a steady and unwavering plan to move out on your own. Don't tell her about it, you know what she will do.

I don't think the suggestions of counseling are too far off. If you can get some, just go in and tell them you want to work on some interpersonal relationships you find problematic. You're not crazy, but you are in a tough situation that counseling can help you see things clearly. It is probably psychological or whatever they call that abuse but I don't want you to see yourself or the situation that way because so far you don't have the victim mentality and I don't think that would serve you anyways. It would just get you riled up to have a screaming match one day calling her an abuser which might really make her fly off the handle.

What it ultimately comes down to is that they care. The way they go about showing it can be pretty messed up but at the end of the day their ways of expressing their concerns can come across as hurtful (among other things) because the situation makes them uncomfortable. Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that makes what theyre doing ok! Far from it. But to understand their perspective helps.

When youre ready, it might be worth talking with your mum. I explained to mine that I love her and know she loves me and is trying to show me she cares but its not the right way to go about it. I told her that out of everyone in my life right now, the only people that dont accept me as I am and only see my weight, are my parents. I asked her, why would I want to spend time with them if theyre the only people that make a point to criticise and make me feel like a failure and not good enough?

When I honestly, but carefully put it to her like that, it broke her heart. She never ever wanted to make me feel so insecure and worthless, she had no idea what she was doing was ultimately so hurtful.

Most peoples parents often see themselves in their children and only want the best for us. In doing this they have panic reactions and dont always think things through.

I really hope youre able to make some headway and you know youre not alone. Never let anyone make you feel like youre not good enough. If Ive just rambled and given you useless advice then just ignore me! =D

Xxx

both of these .... exactly^^^