Your Health in Mind and Body (trigger for death)

oedipa_maas

I'm bipolar, and I see several parallels between my wellness of mind and my wellness of body. People who bark in both circumstances, "Pull yourself up by your boot straps!" may have the best of intentions, but there is a terrible weight that is more than our body and skin that pull us down, make us think we are not worth it, to give up, even to die. When one is at that lowest ebb, no amount of a-- kicking is going to work. It is the simple things, really. Merely getting up out of bed. A shower. Combing the matts out of your hair, which I had to do once after almost a month of not bathing or taking care of myself. And when we are trying to improve/rebuild our body, sometimes our sadness and shame hang around our neck so heavy that it seems impossible to change. And yet here we all are, and that means that there is change happening. Even if you clean out that damn refrigerator, then sob in your bed, or sleep for hours, change is there. You get back up. You try again. You come to MFP and reach out, or not, but you do your best to get back to the road of wellness that winds through this place.

But what if you can't try again? What if your despair leads you to the darkest of places? "Sack up," some say. Certainly monumental effort is called for. Certainly. But there is other help besides MFP. There are doctors, and meds if you are comfortable with that, there are people trained to help.

Let me tell you about my brother. Thinking of Robin Williams, thinking of some of the terrible sadness here, I want to say what happens when people are left behind. And why we must try with every fiber to take care of our mind, so the body can then follow.

My brother would have turned 43 years old this year. But he killed himself at the age of 18 by jumping off a 10 story building.

Last year my mother told me that she and daddy were at the funeral home working on the arrangements when his body arrived from the airport. My mother needed an open casket, she told me, because she was afraid if she didn't see him she would always think he wasn't really dead, that she would torment herself with the idea that he might come through the door someday. I don't think people outside of our immediate family understood that, but I get it. As awful as it was to see him like that, it had to be done.

My mother asked the funeral director if it was even possible for the casket to be open, given the way my brother had died. The director, a truly lovely man, said, Give me a moment. He came back after 15 minutes and said it could be done. Then, very very gently: But you can't touch him. Matthew could be put back together, but only so far. His body would cave under our fingers if we pressed too hard. He was such a beautiful looking man and he was so ugly the last time we got to look at him.

That's what it's like. That's what we leave behind. And don't get me wrong--we have the right to choose our own death. But when in the throes of the blackness, it's hard if not impossible to think of who you are leaving behind. And that any possibility for a happy life--filled with love, fitness, health, friendships--is gone

Here' this last thing. A good thing. A few months before my brother died, he and I took my aunt and uncle's dalmatian Danny Boy for a walk in the middle of the night. It was in Wellfleet, Cape Cod, where some of my mother's family live. Wellfleet is pristine. The air is sweet and the land is so well protected by the National Seashore that it's not overbuilt at all. Just a beautiful, rural beach community. Anyway, the memory is just this: We walked in the middle of the road toward Duck Harbor, not worried about getting run over by a car, smoking Marlboros while Danny Boy walked far ahead of us like a beacon. It was so dark I could barely see Matthew's face, just the orange tip of his cigarette. But Danny Boy glowed in the dark. His white fur acted like one of those cheap plastic stars you paste on your ceiling as a kid. As if he had absorbed the warm sun for hours during the day so he could light back up again at night. It was one of the most peaceful, happy moments of my life. We could hear our smoky breathing and we could see the black sky. The air was cold and clean. And we had a glowing dog way ahead, scouting the terrain, leading us through the dark.

While you're still alive, follow the glowing puppy ahead of you, share that moment with someone you love, and remember it's not all about our body; the body is just a piece of the whole.

tulips_and_tea

Beautiful writing shining through all the sadness. Thank you for such a well written, well thought out post. I am sorry for the loss of your brother.

SrMaggalicious

I love you even more, my friend. You are a very special, insightful human being. Namaste

oedipa_maas

Beautiful writing shining through all the sadness. Thank you for such a well written, well thought out post. I am sorry for the loss of your brother.

Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot.

oedipa_maas

I love you even more, my friend. You are a very special, insightful human being. Namaste

I don't know what I did to get to know such a wonderful person, but I am so very glad I did!

RachelSteeners

I sorry for your loss. RW's passing has had me thinking about mental health a lot the last 24 hours and how it impacts all walks of life. It's so important to get help and treatment for mental health and addiction. Building a support network is also really helpful. These things have helped me. I've been on Effexor for 15 years and don't ever plan to go off. What have you been doing for your BP?

Spreyton22K

Dearest Oedipa,

Thank you for taking the time to put your heartfelt thoughts and memories out in public for others to share.

I feel honoured to have had the opportunity to read and absorb the message of this.

My life too has felt the brutal bite of the 'Black Dog' ..... Depression is a Soul destroying endlessly ravenous beast that will do anything and everything to destroy a person.....their hopes,dreams, their vitality, everything.

I send you my love and sympathy for your loss of your Brother, an only hope that with time those that loved him can find a place of peace and acceptance of his actions.

May the World be a kinder more understanding place for those of us who a little more fragile when it comes to facing the realities of life.

and Peace to You

JessicaJVRadcliffe

So sorry for your loss, and so glad you put t out there. My brother in law took his life 6 years ago. My husband never got to see his body, and I swear he lives under the impression that one day Mark will walk through the door. In fact, Mark's last job was overseeing the construction of the Trump Tower in Chicago, and the last time my husband traveled to Chicago for work, he said he saw a man walking down the street who looked just like Mark. So troubling.

clarion_r

So beautiful and sad Oedipa - your way with words and your bravery for sharing are amazing.

heronh

Thank you sharing. I hope that you will find serenity.

Jille0

Over the last 24 hours there has been so much talk about depression and suicide. It feels like a wound being picked at for me. My ex-husband committed suicide last December. I have cried daily and feel deeply the loss of him in my life. I understand why he did what he did. The years we were married was peppered with a lot of stress and dark times. He was going through a dark time and the straw that broke the camel's back came running in with a vengeance. I have been crying so much today in memory of him and for our children that will never fully know their Dad or why he did what he did.

Oedipa, I know what it is like to have a depression so deep that you don't even want to take of your basic needs. I know of the physical pain that depression can bring. I am glad to know that you are here and vibrant! Please continue with your meds and reach out as often as you need to. You have a bright light in you that the world needs.

oedipa_maas

I sorry for your loss. RW's passing has had me thinking about mental health a lot the last 24 hours and how it impacts all walks of life. It's so important to get help and treatment for mental health and addiction. Building a support network is also really helpful. These things have helped me. I've been on Effexor for 15 years and don't ever plan to go off. What have you been doing for your BP?

RW's death has been on my mind too. I guess I relate to someone who looks more or less to the world, but who is suffering massively inside.

I'm on 7 medications for my bipolar--they work pretty well, although we recently had to add 2 because I had a major meltdown for some reason. I'm back on course, and continue to fight the good fight. As are you! Thank you for your response, it means a lot, and take good care of yourself.

oedipa_maas

Dearest Oedipa,

Thank you for taking the time to put your heartfelt thoughts and memories out in public for others to share.

I feel honoured to have had the opportunity to read and absorb the message of this.

My life too has felt the brutal bite of the 'Black Dog' ..... Depression is a Soul destroying endlessly ravenous beast that will do anything and everything to destroy a person.....their hopes,dreams, their vitality, everything.

I send you my love and sympathy for your loss of your Brother, an only hope that with time those that loved him can find a place of peace and acceptance of his actions.

May the World be a kinder more understanding place for those of us who a little more fragile when it comes to facing the realities of life.

and Peace to You

What an incredibly kind response. Thank you so much. It's amazing (that's probably the wrong word) how much mental illness is out there, how much people suffer through it. You are very courageous to have fought your own battle.

Thank you again for your beautiful post.

oedipa_maas

So sorry for your loss, and so glad you put t out there. My brother in law took his life 6 years ago. My husband never got to see his body, and I swear he lives under the impression that one day Mark will walk through the door. In fact, Mark's last job was overseeing the construction of the Trump Tower in Chicago, and the last time my husband traveled to Chicago for work, he said he saw a man walking down the street who looked just like Mark. So troubling.

That's exactly it. Only someone who has been through this can understand the troubling way the mind works when death cannot be seen. And sometimes it can't. But like your husband, people will be sure they see their love one somewhere. God, it breaks my heart.

I'm so sorry about your brother in law. So many lives are affected by suicide, and it can be a lonely thing to carry. Thank you for your post.

oedipa_maas

So beautiful and sad Oedipa - your way with words and your bravery for sharing are amazing.

If it weren't for you and my other friends on here, I wouldn't be able to process some of this. I don't know, somehow I feel the things I write about really do have a connection to my weight loss attempts, my striving to be healthy. The connection may look tenuous in some of my posts, but you and others understand. Thank you so much for all you bring to my world.

oedipa_maas

Thank you sharing. I hope that you will find serenity.

Thank you so much.

oedipa_maas

Over the last 24 hours there has been so much talk about depression and suicide. It feels like a wound being picked at for me. My ex-husband committed suicide last December. I have cried daily and feel deeply the loss of him in my life. I understand why he did what he did. The years we were married was peppered with a lot of stress and dark times. He was going through a dark time and the straw that broke the camel's back came running in with a vengeance. I have been crying so much today in memory of him and for our children that will never fully know their Dad or why he did what he did.

Oedipa, I know what it is like to have a depression so deep that you don't even want to take of your basic needs. I know of the physical pain that depression can bring. I am glad to know that you are here and vibrant! Please continue with your meds and reach out as often as you need to. You have a bright light in you that the world needs.

I am so sorry for your loss. It brings tears to my eyes to read what you wrote because I remember so well the early years after my brother's suicide. I felt like I carried him everywhere, that I couldn't put him down for a second, because otherwise he would be forgotten. I cried my guts out and developed some problematic coping mechanisms as I struggled to understand and release at least a little of my suffering. And triggers--oh god, just as you are experiencing, they seemed to be everywhere. But all I could do--and all you can do--is keep enduring, keep processing your grief, taking care of your family….and it sounds like you are doing it all. You are so brave.

Suicide has such a terrible stigma, as well as mental illness in general. There is a lot of ignorance and fear, which make those who are mentally ill and those who are left behind if their loved one takes their own life, feel isolated from others who do not know this kind of pain.

I don't know what kind of support you are getting, but my parents went to a suicide support group that greatly helped them. I…well, I botched any recovery. I refused to go to a group, I didn't want to face others who knew what I was going through for some reason, and I drank and drugged a lot. I'm sober now, but I let my brother's death absolutely wreck my life for years and years. I don't know. I guess it will go as it will go. Sometimes we can't process in a healthy way. I was young when he died (20), so I was more easily lost than found.

If you are ever in need to talk, my friend, please message me. A huge hug to you.

Meerataila

May the World be a kinder more understanding place for those of us who a little more fragile when it comes to facing the realities of life.

I can't say it any better, so QFT.

oedipa_maas

May the World be a kinder more understanding place for those of us who a little more fragile when it comes to facing the realities of life.

I can't say it any better, so QFT.

Absolutely.