Recovering

Ed_Ana_Mia

Hello all!

So, I suppose I should give a little background info.
I've struggled with my weight most of my life. When I became older, I didn't exercise and bounce around as much as I used to when I was a kid, but my eating habits stayed the same. I ate a lot and wouldn't stop. You could say I was a compulsive eater. I got to the point where I thought exercising was a ridiculous and pointless waste of my time. But when I started getting comments on my appearance and bad habits, I knew things needed to change. Earlier this year, I decided it would.

I set out to lose 15 pounds. From 120 to 105 from my 5 foot and a half frame. I did a lot of cardio. I ran, almost making it up to 3 miles straight. At first, I was letting everyone know that I was training for a 5K. They believed me. But eventually, for me, it became more than just being able to run a 5K.

Things started to go downhill. I would go insane if I missed the gym. I would obsess over videos if I was too tired to go. I started restricting my calories from the original 1200 to below 800. I would freak if I went over that.
It just kept dropping. Dropping and dropping. I would want to kill myself if I went over 500 calories and then I had to make sure I burned at least 300 a day.
Within a month and a half, I was down by 10 pounds. But I didn't stop. I wasn't where I wanted to be. I reassured everyone, telling them I was fine. But I wasn't. I came to the point where I only thought about food, my weight, and what I looked like. My image of myself was and still is distorted.

When one of my relatives noticed how little I was eating and how thin I was getting, they told me that I needed to eat more and get some help. I didn't want to eat more, so they insisted of me getting help. I gave in to that. I met with a counselor and she weighed me, telling me that I weighed 100 pounds. 5 less than what I had planned. But I still felt fat. I continued to grab at the flabby skin that I thought needed to go away. Before I had gone to a counselor, I seriously thought I was 108 pounds and I told myself I would be happier losing just a few more pounds. I told myself at LEAST 4 more pounds and then I would be good.

But my counselor told me my suggested weight. She said 107-115. If I had lost 4 more pounds before people started noticing, I would've been anorexic.

Hello. I am the girl who was "almost" anorexic.


People have suggested that I "bulk". Which for me, might not be too bad. I'll be gaining weight, but in muscle AND fat. I'm feeling stronger already and am eating roughly 1800 and have only gained up to 101.75 pounds. I am wanting increase more, I really am... But this is my struggle. This is where I need to recover.

I can't get over the freaking out moments. I can't stop myself from thinking negative thoughts about my body. I don't know what to do. For the past few weeks, I was doing okay. But recently, I'm heading in the direction of a relapse. My calories are going lower and lower because I'm freaking out at going higher and higher.

What should I do?

Springfield1970

Welcome!

We aren't here to give advice for something like this, but we will try anyway! Please take it all with a pinch of salt. Your brain chemistry gets altered from restricted eating, it's imperative that you eat well to recover normal function. You need to lose the eating disorder goggles, and you will need to eat lots to get there.

I'd like to say this though, it sounds normal as part of a difficult disorder, and you must disclose this to your counselor or nutritionist.

They will probably expect this, and have ways to help you.

Best of luck!

zoeysasha37

I think you should continue to receive treatment. Have you talked to a doctor about this?