Getting past the "all or nothing" mentality

tracie_minus100

Hi everyone.
I've been around (off and on) for awhile but have mostly been a lurker. I'm really trying to adopt a healthier lifestyle and lose weight permanently. I have lost and gained, lost and gained several times in the last 10 years - my highest loss being 63lbs. I'm currently the heaviest I have ever been (other than 9 months pregnant) and am so tired of feeling like this, looking like this. I feel like I am not a good role model for my daughters, and that needs to change.
I have always had the "all or nothing" mentality which is extremely frustrating. I will be "ON" and follow my plan to a T - logging all foods, staying within my calorie limit, exercising several days a week. I will be dedicated and committed and feel great. Then it's like a switch flicks one day, and I'm "OFF". Then it's pretty much the opposite. Lots of junk, very little exercise, no logging. And there is nothing in between. I have no idea what turns me to off, which I guess is a huge part of the problem.
How do you get past this? I don't want to be on or off only. I just want to...be. Does that make sense?
Has anyone overcome this? Any books or resources you could recommend? Any tips? Right now I am just feeling like a lost cause.

mandez19

Don't stop being strict with exercise and nutrition until you reach your goal. Once you are there you have to make it your new goal to maintain and stay in your preferred range of health and fitness level. Losing a bunch of weight is just the first step.

I'm reading: The End Of Over Eating to understand the science behind our junk food addictions.

Good Luck!

AliceDark

Get over your desire to be perfect. You're not perfect, and you're not ever going to be perfect. There's never going to be a point when you eat the perfect diet and exercise exactly as much as you "should," 100% of the time. If you give up every time you make a mistake, you're never going to get anywhere.

Kalikel

You have to want to do it.

When you want to, you will. Nobody else can make you want to do it. That has to come from within.

RavenLibra

Think of being on this road permanently.. that from now until they kick dirt over you, you are going to watch what you eat and find some sort of physical activity that will create/maintain a strong, agile and flexible body... NOT because someone or something tells you that's the way it should be.. because deep down you know it's the right thing to do...and be fore giving of yourself... feel free to reward yourself with a down day once in a while... indulge once in a while... otherwise what IS the point...

anyway... as long as you learn to heed your inner voice... you are going to be fine... just surround yourself with supportive friends... and keep logging

FatYellowDog

Hi, are we twins? I had this exact attitude. I actually made it 6 weeks into the Insanity workouts and then scrapped the entire thing and quit because I missed a workout on Thanksgiving last year. I know, it sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud!

I'm totally a perfectionist and this is very hard for me also. If I don't see every box checked as a success, the day feels like I waste. It took a long time to realize that the burrito that I had at lunch today with my co-workers doesn't have to ruin the rest of my day. My mantra has become "Some is not none." Some progress - getting in a workout on a day I know I went over my calories or having a salad for dinner after I totally blow it at lunch time - is better than nothing at all. Any effort in the right direction, even if it's small, is better than making no effort at all.

I guess my best advice for overcoming the ON/OFF switch is to start treating each morning like a reset of the ON switch. Each day has the potential to be perfect when it starts. You are ON every. single. morning. Don't let your OFF days turn into OFF weeks or OFF months. Each day is a new opportunity to eat well, exercise and be ON. Take advantage of that. Best of luck!

cwolfman13

You have to understand that you're not going to be "on" all of the time...nobody is 100% "on" all of the time...it's completely unrealistic. It helps to take a step back and look at the bigger picture rather than getting all wrapped up in the minutia. For example..."OMG, I missed my workout today because blah, blah, blah...guess I blew it and totally ****ed things up." In reality, if you look at the big picture, it is one day of many days...it is pretty much irrelevant to the larger picture. Life happens.

You're just going to have to learn that your overall health and well being are predicated on what you're doing most of the time, not missing a workout here or there or missing a day of logging or whatever.

ruffnstuff

Often times, it's about dedication, not motivation. No one is "motivated" every day to make the right choices for their health and well-being. But, you can tell yourself that you're going to be dedicated every day no matter what. Like others have said, mistakes are just part of it - too much at the Chinese buffet, had a wild girl's night out with way more margaritas than you intended, etc. Just pick right back up and keep doing it. No one else can do it for you - you are either ready and WILLING TO COMMIT right now or you aren't. No one here is going to have some magic answer for you that will suddenly keep you switched to "on" forever. You have to believe you can do it (and you CAN, I promise), and then just decide to do it.

meridianova

How do you get past this? I don't want to be on or off only. I just want to...be. Does that make sense?
Has anyone overcome this?

i realized that trying to look at things on a long-term basis was daunting and overwhelming. even putting deadlines on myself of "i will lose XX pounds in YY days" gets too frustrating because of the way i lose weight. there either had to be a ridiculously low bar, or no bar at all.

so i changed my mindset and focused just on what was directly in front of me. my one and only goal became "i will eat on plan and go to the gym TODAY." i don't worry about what's coming up tomorrow, i just focus on staying on track today. when tomorrow comes, the goal will be the same, but tomorrow isn't here yet. only what happens today matters.

if you can stay on track and make your goal for one day, then it makes it just a little bit easier to stay on track and make your goal the next day. and the next day gets just a little bit easier too. eventually, you will be able to look back and say "holy shniikies, batman! i've been on track for 2 months without a slip-up!" you'll see how far you've come. and if you can make that realization without triggering thoughts of "oh you've been so good, time for a treat/day off!" (i get those ALL the time, so i don't like looking back), then you'll realize that staying on track and going to the gym have become habits. you miss it when you don't go, and you feel off when you eat something you normally wouldn't.

and if something happens where you fall off one day, remember that it's just one day. tomorrow you will wake up and have the same goal, and the same ability to achieve it.

snoringcat

Hi, are we twins? I had this exact attitude. I actually made it 6 weeks into the Insanity workouts and then scrapped the entire thing and quit because I missed a workout on Thanksgiving last year. I know, it sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud!

I'm totally a perfectionist and this is very hard for me also. If I don't see every box checked as a success, the day feels like I waste. It took a long time to realize that the burrito that I had at lunch today with my co-workers doesn't have to ruin the rest of my day. My mantra has become "Some is not none." Some progress - getting in a workout on a day I know I went over my calories or having a salad for dinner after I totally blow it at lunch time - is better than nothing at all. Any effort in the right direction, even if it's small, is better than making no effort at all.

I guess my best advice for overcoming the ON/OFF switch is to start treating each morning like a reset of the ON switch. Each day has the potential to be perfect when it starts. You are ON every. single. morning. Don't let your OFF days turn into OFF weeks or OFF months. Each day is a new opportunity to eat well, exercise and be ON. Take advantage of that. Best of luck!

^^ this

lmarshel

Maybe the plan you're on is too strict? You have to allow yourself some things you enjoy, so you'll have a reason to stick with it. And you HAVE to be able to forgive yourself. Mistakes do NOT = failure. So you went out to eat and you pigged out. That's ONE meal, not the rest of your life.

My dad has a saying that you can only start a diet on Monday. If you get off your diet, you have to wait till the next Monday to start back. It's a big joke . But this is not a diet, it's a life change. So don't be a dieter or have that "wait till Monday" mentality. Set small goals for changes you can live with and work towards an overall healthier lifestyle.

WalkingAlong

I struggle with it, too. My best advice is to practice operating in the gray areas in life and congratulate yourself for it when you do, not just for the white/ON/perfect performances.

E.g., Force yourself to do something partway even if you can do it all the way. If your calorie goal is 1400, make yourself eat 1700 one day and then go back to 1400 the next day, just as an exercise in getting used to flopping between perfect and ok. Stop your workout 10 minutes early one day, just to prove to yourself you can be imperfect without completely throwing in the towel. Do your whole workout the next day.

Pay attention to your self-talk and feelings when you don't do 100%. Do you feel like a failure from doing 80% of a workout? Is that a reasonable reaction, one you'd apply to others? Is quitting a program a logical reaction to missing a day or is it just a handy excuse?

dbmata

Life happens in the margins, embrace.

tracie_minus100

Hi, are we twins? I had this exact attitude. I actually made it 6 weeks into the Insanity workouts and then scrapped the entire thing and quit because I missed a workout on Thanksgiving last year. I know, it sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud!

I'm totally a perfectionist and this is very hard for me also. If I don't see every box checked as a success, the day feels like I waste. It took a long time to realize that the burrito that I had at lunch today with my co-workers doesn't have to ruin the rest of my day. My mantra has become "Some is not none." Some progress - getting in a workout on a day I know I went over my calories or having a salad for dinner after I totally blow it at lunch time - is better than nothing at all. Any effort in the right direction, even if it's small, is better than making no effort at all.

I guess my best advice for overcoming the ON/OFF switch is to start treating each morning like a reset of the ON switch. Each day has the potential to be perfect when it starts. You are ON every. single. morning. Don't let your OFF days turn into OFF weeks or OFF months. Each day is a new opportunity to eat well, exercise and be ON. Take advantage of that. Best of luck!

Wow, I think we are twins!! That sounds a lot like me. One slip up and I feel like all is lost. I know in my rational mind that is not true, however it seems I don't often listen to that part of my mind as often as I need to.
The biggest problem for me is that when I turn off, it's not just for a meal, or a day or two. It's for several days, sometimes weeks or even months. And I can't seem to get that switch back on. One day it flicks again but almost seems out of the blue. But by then I have usually completely erased any progress I made.
Dedication and discipline....I agree completely.

tracie_minus100

Thanks for the advice everyone. I appreciate it so much!

scrittrice

Is that a reasonable reaction, one you'd apply to others?

I like this idea a lot--try and think about yourself as if you were thinking about a friend. Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself? Or would you encourage a friend who'd slipped up to brush herself off and start over again? I think often we're hardest on ourselves.

Also, in very tangible terms, be sure you're not being too aggressive with your calorie deficit. Slow and steady is so much better and easier, and it gives you time to adjust and make the changes permanent. I'm currently eating to lose one pound a month. I've probably had ice cream (and plenty of other treats) every single day this summer and it all fit it into my calories because my deficit is so low. Many people go (excuse the expression) "balls to the wall" at the start and then burn out.

maidentl

You have to understand that you're not going to be "on" all of the time...nobody is 100% "on" all of the time...it's completely unrealistic. It helps to take a step back and look at the bigger picture rather than getting all wrapped up in the minutia. For example..."OMG, I missed my workout today because blah, blah, blah...guess I blew it and totally ****ed things up." In reality, if you look at the big picture, it is one day of many days...it is pretty much irrelevant to the larger picture. Life happens.

You're just going to have to learn that your overall health and well being are predicated on what you're doing most of the time, not missing a workout here or there or missing a day of logging or whatever.

I think it's this. I was like you but this time I just allow myself to turn the switch off when I need to but it goes right back on the next day/next meal. I didn't get to the gym? No reason to blow the food. I blew the food? No reason to not go to the gym. I think the light bulb just finally went on and I realized, I'm going to be doing this a long, long time. I call my days/meals off "mental health breaks."

seltzermint555

Get over your desire to be perfect. You're not perfect, and you're not ever going to be perfect. There's never going to be a point when you eat the perfect diet and exercise exactly as much as you "should," 100% of the time. If you give up every time you make a mistake, you're never going to get anywhere.

I agree with this.

For me that desire to be 100% perfectly "on" was a struggle. I thought it meant walking 4 miles every night even if I had a migraine, cramps, or plans with friends...or eating NO chocolate ever again. That wasn't realistic for me. I did lose some weight on my own but it was pretty slow going (45 lb in 4 years, with 120+ to lose at the time). But it wasn't fun to go through emotional ups and downs of "I have failed...I haven't gone walking in 3 days" or "I just ate a Caramello, what a huge mistake" type feelings.

Now I see that was all unnecessary.

For me it was a matter of channeling all of that 100%, black/white, OCD type stuff into my tracking. I will not miss a day. I will not miss a meal logged. I will not even let 1/2 tsp of mustard on my breakfast sandwich go un-logged. I will always try super hard to fit everything I eat into my cals/macros. That's what helped me lose the 89 lb reflected in my ticker. Those same perfectionist tendencies that made it so hard before.

SLLRunner

What you say makes perfect sense, but because I used to be the same way. If I ate something outside of my plan, I figured I'd goofed and would binge and say I'd start my diet tomorrow. I was the queen of food restriction-ate only certain foods, no refined sugar, food with high fat, butter, oil, anthing that I thought was "fattening". I was on or off, black or white, my entire life with regards to food.

All of this changed when I decided to reinvent my relationship with food. I decided to allow all the foods I love in my eating plan, but in moderation. I eat all the foods I live now in moderation and nothing I like is prohibited. I have lost oogles of weight and have been maintaining. If I can do this you can too.

jessiruthica

I'm so with you on the on/off switch over which I don't seem to have any control. So, I'm currently striking while the switch is in the ON position in hopes of building habits that will help to keep it in the ON position.

I read this somewhere, and it rings true for me: "If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up".

TeaBea

Get over your desire to be perfect. You're not perfect, and you're not ever going to be perfect. There's never going to be a point when you eat the perfect diet and exercise exactly as much as you "should," 100% of the time. If you give up every time you make a mistake, you're never going to get anywhere.

This^

You just need to make better decisions....most of the time. I like this quote - "aim for progress.....not perfection"

One year, I was sick of the same "I'm going to lose 15 pounds" new years resolution. Instead I made a "I'm going to eat 2 servings of veggies everyday" resolution.

tracie_minus100

Thanks so much for the help and support!

tulips_and_tea

I've given this example before, but it really clicked with me, so I'll share it again: apply the same thinking to other things in your life and you'll see how irrational it is. Example: if you get a speeding ticket on your way to work, do you just disobey every law for the rest of the day since you already messed up? Puts things in perspective, I think.

Also, you don't lose weight and become fit from just one workout or one day of eating well. So one day of not working out or one day of not eating well will not ruin you, either.

WalkingAlong

It's a convenient mindset if you like to eat and dislike to exercise. "I'll start tomorrow because I'm not ON anyway..." Decide it's a lazy, enabling way of thinking you use to justify procrastinating. That helped me.

tracie_minus100

It's a convenient mindset if you like to eat and dislike to exercise. "I'll start tomorrow because I'm not ON anyway..." Decide it's a lazy, enabling way of thinking you use to justify procrastinating. That helped me.

That is spot on, really. Thank you.

Liftng4Lis

You have to want to do it.

When you want to, you will. Nobody else can make you want to do it. That has to come from within.

^ This!

SimaN2014

I second (third) the post that says to be less of a perfectionist.

Try this... If you have (as an example) a target 500 calorie deficit, try mixing things up... Do only a 300 calorie deficit one day. Another day, enjoy those junk food things you love. Make it a 100 calorie surplus (I know, I'm talking crazy talk here). Usually exercise? Take a day off. Each time you do this, go back to your regular routine the next day. The point is not to follow the "perfect" diet to achieve the "fastest possible" weight lose, the point is to adopt a healthy enough lifestyle to get to where you need to be and to sustain it. You will have stresses, challenges, sicknesses, travels that will all be potential derailers. But if you have a longer term way of being, then you don't have to have an "ON" or an "OFF" to reach it. You just make a small adjustment and carry forward. Make it a habit to be less than perfect at least once a week for a while. Then you get used to making small adjustments to recover and it's not an all-or-nothing deal.

If when you go "OFF", you really stop caring about the purpose of your journey, then maybe write up your inspirations now, and re-visit them if you switch "OFF", as a reminder to keep going the next day.

Another thing would be to replace "OFF" with maintenance. Not at your goal, but need a break from the rigor of your new regime? Do maintenance for a few weeks, then keep going with your weight loss. You are on nobody's timeline but yours. You make the rules; it's your game to play.