Marriage issues

CJisinShape

I have my issues that someone else doesn't see as a problem while someone else might. Everyone does. But not once in our marriage, when I flat out ask him what I could be doing better that will make me worth it in his eyes, has he ever told me that I'm doing something wrong. Not once. Obviously there is something there, there HAS to be. It's really hard trying to figure out your biggest issues all by yourself. Therapy is not for me though. I'm a very private person, I don't tell anyone we know our issues. I never talk about him behind his back like this. I'm loyal to a fault (until now obviously, which I still feel very guilty writing about this) although I have felt my loyalty receding in recent months.

I told him that I get why people cheat. Not that I'm going to but I told him how low I was feeling about a month or so ago. That a lot of people don't feel like breaking up their families but they need someone, anyone, to put a smile back on their face. He told me to step out if I need to before I could finish. That's not what I was saying at all. But so quick to tell me that? Do I hold no value?

Found out today that today is a family day, meaning they have the day off, (he's military) from someone. He's not here, he's at work.....

Thanks everyone. I'll keep trying to figure things out.

You said, "Do I hold no value?" The question is wrong. If you don't know this within yourself, how is he going to see it? One more time. Stop basing your self-worth on the opinion of other people. The Master of the universe loves you.

Put yourself in your husband's shoes. He's working his butt off to provide, he's maybe battling depression, some self-loathing for (philandering, being a jerk, or not successful, aging parents, or his own aging/loss of youthful vigor) and his wife comes to him and admits she wants to cheat on you. How is he supposed to react to that?

And for these folks who don't know your situation telling you to get a divorce is bull. Half of them are single and think they will one day meet Price Charming (they don't exist), thirty-five percent are unhappy, and the few with the flowery stories of their amazing second husbands --- they haven't been married to #2 for 15 years yet. Life can be hard. But you can choose grace for him and joy for yourself. You are strong enough, and if you are not, God can strengthen you.

And please, don't have an affair. If you think things suck now...just.don't.

You need to start loving yourself before you demand it from others. Make God a priority, who made YOU a priority. Put yourself on your list and get your head out of your husband's behind. Get to know how wnderful you are!

CJisinShape

I have my issues that someone else doesn't see as a problem while someone else might. Everyone does. But not once in our marriage, when I flat out ask him what I could be doing better that will make me worth it in his eyes, has he ever told me that I'm doing something wrong. Not once. Obviously there is something there, there HAS to be. It's really hard trying to figure out your biggest issues all by yourself. Therapy is not for me though. I'm a very private person, I don't tell anyone we know our issues. I never talk about him behind his back like this. I'm loyal to a fault (until now obviously, which I still feel very guilty writing about this) although I have felt my loyalty receding in recent months.

I told him that I get why people cheat. Not that I'm going to but I told him how low I was feeling about a month or so ago. That a lot of people don't feel like breaking up their families but they need someone, anyone, to put a smile back on their face. He told me to step out if I need to before I could finish. That's not what I was saying at all. But so quick to tell me that? Do I hold no value?

Found out today that today is a family day, meaning they have the day off, (he's military) from someone. He's not here, he's at work.....

Thanks everyone. I'll keep trying to figure things out.

You said, "Do I hold no value?" The question is wrong. If you don't know this within yourself, how is he going to see it? One more time. Stop basing your self-worth on the opinion of other people. The Master of the universe loves you.

Put yourself in your husband's shoes. He's working his butt off to provide, he's maybe battling depression, some self-loathing for (philandering, being a jerk, guilt over screwing your finances up, or not successful, or aging parents, or his own aging/loss of youthful vigor) and his wife comes to him and admits she wants to cheat on you. How is he supposed to react to that?

And for these folks who don't know your situation telling you to get a divorce is bull. Half of them are single and think they will one day meet Price Charming (they don't exist), thirty-five percent are unhappy, and the few with the flowery stories of their amazing second husbands --- they haven't been married to #2 for 15 years yet. Life can be hard. But you can choose grace for him and joy for yourself. You are strong enough, and if you are not, God can strengthen you.

And please, don't have an affair. If you think things suck now...just.don't.

You need to start loving yourself before you demand it from others. Make God a priority, who made YOU a priority. Put yourself on your list and get your head out of your husband's behind. Get to know how wonderful you are!

jacqueline7599

I know what family day is. My husband is a Marine. If he went and told you nothing about it then something shady is going on. I mean pretending it's just another work day? Come on. Feel free to add me.

CJisinShape

After 15 years together, what relationship is not going to be co-dependent on each other? People who are married for almost their entire lifetimes can die within hours of each other.

Is it weird for couples to dependent on their spouse in marriage? And my mind is sick? Well yes, I do have a bit of depression right now but is my mind sick because I don't feel like therapy? I guess you would think so. It does kinda seem like your trying to insult me more than help me though. Maybe I'm just sensitive...

Therapy is overrated. You get in a room and talk trash about each other. When has that ever helped? Check out Mort Fertel.

CJisinShape

You CAN be happy, right now. But how? How can you be happy when your husband isn't making you happy? By not placing your self worth in the hands of a person who is self absorbed, jerk, i.e. ANY MAN.

Thats a bit harsh!! Not all men are self absorbed jerks.

Anyway... since the one is question is...

If you beleive that the marriage is over. Then end it. Staying in an unhappy, miserable marriage will not do you or your husband any good.
Go out into the world and so whatever is going to make you happy because 15 years of misery is long enough.
Work on yourself and become the person you want to be.

One day you will meet a great man who dotes on you and adores you.

It's not harsh at all. It's reality. EVERY HUMAN BEING has their issues. She swaps her husband for another, guess what? He will also have issues. We all do.

CJisinShape

Never give up, marriage is hard, and everyone goes through struggles. Make it better, find the joy again, and really there is only one person who can fulfill you and understand you and can transform hearts, yours and his. Seek God, you will find joy there. I promise, it's no fail advice. Be blessed and hope you see a better day soon.
[/quote

You have to help yourself. A mythical, invented "deity" will NOT help. YOU are your savior from whatever your problems are.]

Funny you should say that, considering that millions of people draw from the well of joy and strength on a daily basis from God. If you don't, that's your choice. But some of us find our greatest strength and greatest love at our weakest and loneliest because we go to the well and drink the living water of the Word. If that's too poetic for you, It just is what it is: true love.

CJisinShape

I have been a divorce lawyer for 31 years, and I can tell you that this right here is perhaps the biggest reason for failed relationships... husbands who fail to make their wives their top priority.

So can most women honestly say their husbands are their top priority? I'm betting most are going to go with their kids. Maybe God if they're religious, followed by kids. Family in general usually gets listed after that but that means everyone. Mom, cousins, uncles, crazy grandpa Joe. Next is probably her BFFs. Then her other friends. You know, the chicks she hangs out with but really hates secretly. Then shopping. Spa days. Husband, hmm, he's probably somewhere in there around number 35 on the list.

God, do you sound bitter. I feel very sorry for you.

MY top prioity is my husband of 43 years. Nothing else is as important to me. He is my best friend, my favorite companion, always emotionally supportive, will drop anything at any time to make time for me. He reminds me every day that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. So yes, there are women like that, for whom the primary bond is the mate. I don't have kids, I don't have religion, and I love my friends dearly but my Bear comes first, always. He amazes me, entertains me, helps me, and makes me feel loved every single day. Marrying him was the best thing I ever did.

My priority is my partner. He is the most important thing in my life, before family, friends and even myself.
I make sure he has everything he wants/needs and that his feelings are considered before anybody elses.
The lovely thing is that this is recipricated and I am the most imortant thing in his life before anybody else.

Sound like you are or were with the wrong women. Dont knock us all because of a bad experience, there are some great women out here.

Yet another marriage you all are trying to screw up?

You're not with the wrong woman, you just need to romance her. She'll pay attention.

iggyboo93

"Make yourself happy" and allow time for him to notice the new you. Once he see's your happy in yourself again, he will most likely come around. Happiness, laughter, and fitness are VERY powerful motivators. You owe it to yourself to give it a solid shot before calling it quits. Good luck and hope all works out one way or the other.

This is really good advice. One always hopes that their spouse/partner is as happy in the relationship as they are or want to be. It does hurt when you are neglected though. Humans need love, affection and feeling significant. I hope you find a positive solution.

CJisinShape

"Make yourself happy" and allow time for him to notice the new you. Once he see's your happy in yourself again, he will most likely come around. Happiness, laughter, and fitness are VERY powerful motivators. You owe it to yourself to give it a solid shot before calling it quits. Good luck and hope all works out one way or the other.

This is really good advice. One always hopes that their spouse/partner is as happy in the relationship as they are or want to be. It does hurt when you are neglected though. Humans need love, affection and feeling significant. I hope you find a positive solution.

Thank you for your positivity!

dani85pex

I've been married for just under 15 years. Married since I was a teenager. The thing is, I'm realizing how unimportant I've been for so many years. Especially the last few months. He needs me when he wants to vent about work and that's IT. There is nothing else to our marriage. I've never been a priority ever in his life, not in front of his family or work, never. The last few months I've had it though. I will talk to him, look him in the eye and his eyes are following some other girl. He doesn't sleep with me, has very little personal hygiene unless I remind him. The thing is, he's known as this incredibly dependent, hard working, amazing guy at work. Everywhere at his job! All of that is laughable at home. He needs his hand held to do anything here. He's seriously almost messed us up financially quite a few times. Things that could get him in huge trouble at work, they are all just clueless of who he really is. Who I deal with when he comes home.

It suddenly hit me recently, I've seriously wasted almost half my life with this man. It's got me into this depression and instead of working on myself, I can't snap out of wanting to just sit here and get sad and angry all at the same time. It's a very recent thing, all these emotions. Of course I've been angry at him before but not like this. This is way different. The knowledge of knowing its over? I don't know. Someone out there must know what I'm talking about. I get that my happiness shouldn't depend on another person. Its in my head all the time. I really do get everything logical that I should be doing. Its just....not happening.

I was doing really well. Following the NROL4W but now I haven't lifted in a while and the motivation to do so just flew out of me one day. Don't know when. I'm not very overweight, really. Just need to lose 40-50 lbs to weigh what I did as a teen. I'm in my very early 30s so not too much damage.

Has anyone been where I'm at and kept up the weight loss? Anyone to share my woes and then encourage a little bit? I'm normally an incredibly strong woman who can deal with almost anything but this feels like a kick in the gut every waking moment.

I just want to start off by saying YOU are important, YOU are beautiful, YOU are wonderful and strong and YOU are loved!

I haven't even read the replies you've received so I know at this point some of what I say may be redundant. I apologize in advance. This is actually my first post EVER so I apologize again if there are mistakes....but my heart went out while reading this and I had to reply. I am a 29 yr old wife and mother of 3. My husband and I have been together since high school and have been married for 7 yrs. It took til recently for me to realize the depths and strengths I had within myself, outside of him. It took going through a TON TON TON of s### that I could make into an Oprah Winfrey, James Cameron, Tyler Perry movie hybrid! Dead serious. Having said all of that I get it. I get how you can look at the person you've committed to and feel nothing or feel nothing but distain and disgust, maybe resentment, anger, lonliness. And it really doesn't help if they're treatment of you is waaay below bare minimal respect and love and affection.

Now....onto you, here's the thing. What IS working for me, because like others I am a work in progress...I had to really get to what is going on. I am dealing with depression. You, don't know unless you see a professional. Soooo, here's my 2 cents...whatever faith, religion and/or spirituality you have LEAN ON IT HARD!!! Pray, meditate, cry all you need to at this point. It helps. Seek professional care from a therapist. If you cannot afford one, look into resources your city and state may have because there may be some professionals that help on a lower scale base, based on income yada yada. With those two things alone I guarantee YOU'LL feel better about YOU.

Now...onto your marriage. Since we're in this weight loss journey together I consider you a friend already. As a friend, I would very much like you to be happy and would like to see your marriage prevail. I believe in marriage. It's not just some legal paper. BUT...I also believe in self-preservation. If your relationship is taking a toll on you ,your spouse IS NOT blind to this, then you guys can a) work on the relationship with some REAL WORK...you know counseling, books, dating even, all that jazz, or b) call it what it is if affecting you BOTH negatively and consider some time apart. You guys have been together for a long time PLUS you've grown up together. Those are all factors for why they do and treat us the way they do. Vice versa even. I have done TONS of options and things and sometimes they have worked others not so much, and even now, we're still trudging through the mud but we're in it together. Talk with your spouse first and foremost. And I get if you do he may not budge he may not respond or even care (or SEEM to care because I find often men will do that)...seek support from your BEST of girlfriends to help with venting, crying, getting out of the house to have a free moment ANYTHING like that. But don't share TOO many details with TOO many friends. Marriage is between 2 people only and I admit sometimes it is easy for us to allow our friends to dictate or influence our actions and reactions to our spouses...for this I recommend if you have any married friends to really seek their advice. This is nothing against anyone who is not married but I value the advice of people in what I am more than others. Just is.

So ok, spirituality, seeking professional help for you and hubby, more so you, and support from family and friends.....if this is even to much let me just share that as a married woman who is dealing with depression and my husband (even though not admittedly) is, sometimes our guys need to see us better to want to be and do better. Sometimes being away from what they cherish makes them be better. I don't know what the answer is for you but I hope I've shared just ONE thing that can help. Please take care of yourself and know I am thinking of you because your post was DEFINITELY me years ago, a year ago, and even months ago! Message me if you'd like.

SarahRuthRuns

After 15 years together, what relationship is not going to be co-dependent on each other? People who are married for almost their entire lifetimes can die within hours of each other.

Is it weird for couples to dependent on their spouse in marriage? And my mind is sick? Well yes, I do have a bit of depression right now but is my mind sick because I don't feel like therapy? I guess you would think so. It does kinda seem like your trying to insult me more than help me though. Maybe I'm just sensitive...

Therapy is overrated. You get in a room and talk trash about each other. When has that ever helped? Check out Mort Fertel.

Therapy can help, but it doesn't work for everyone. People need to find the solutions that work for them, there is no one way that works for everyone. And it's not talking trash, it's talking through problems and finding solutions.

hbrittingham

I have my issues that someone else doesn't see as a problem while someone else might. Everyone does. But not once in our marriage, when I flat out ask him what I could be doing better that will make me worth it in his eyes, has he ever told me that I'm doing something wrong. Not once. Obviously there is something there, there HAS to be. It's really hard trying to figure out your biggest issues all by yourself. Therapy is not for me though. I'm a very private person, I don't tell anyone we know our issues. I never talk about him behind his back like this. I'm loyal to a fault (until now obviously, which I still feel very guilty writing about this) although I have felt my loyalty receding in recent months.

I told him that I get why people cheat. Not that I'm going to but I told him how low I was feeling about a month or so ago. That a lot of people don't feel like breaking up their families but they need someone, anyone, to put a smile back on their face. He told me to step out if I need to before I could finish. That's not what I was saying at all. But so quick to tell me that? Do I hold no value?

Found out today that today is a family day, meaning they have the day off, (he's military) from someone. He's not here, he's at work.....

Thanks everyone. I'll keep trying to figure things out.

Therapy isn't about losing your privacy. It's about learning how to communicate and grow together. You both married young and you both have grown up during those 15 years you have been married. A lot of couples take each other for granted, because they honestly don't know any other way. My husband and I have been married for over 22 years, together 24 years. We almost split up a bit over 2 years ago because I was feeling a LOT of the same things you are. I was NEVER first in his life. His friends, his family and even MY family came before me. He just took me for granted and assumed I'd always be there.

We did several months of marriage counseling. The things he couldn't hear when I said them, he could hear when the counselor said them and finally, a light bulb came on when he realized how badly he had treated me and that it almost cost him our marriage.

Now we communicate much better and we always put each other first. We have a long, deep history together, and I couldn't imagine losing that, but 2 years ago, I didn't think I could have ever been happy with him again. I was wrong. We are more happily married now than we ever were.

SarahRuthRuns

We are more happily married now than we ever were.

This is important. Struggles couples go through actually bring them closer. My husband and I are much happier now than ever in the past. So many people just give up and they don't realize what they could be missing had they worked it out. It's worth it.

horndave

After 15 years together, what relationship is not going to be co-dependent on each other? People who are married for almost their entire lifetimes can die within hours of each other.

Is it weird for couples to dependent on their spouse in marriage? And my mind is sick? Well yes, I do have a bit of depression right now but is my mind sick because I don't feel like therapy? I guess you would think so. It does kinda seem like your trying to insult me more than help me though. Maybe I'm just sensitive...

You have no idea what thearpy can do for you. Best thing that happened for my marriage. I would assume that comment about your sick mind is more related to you only know what you know. If you totally disregard an option that works, really how bad do want to be happier. What other options that can help you are you disregarding cause they make uncomfortable?

Ump78

I've never been a priority ever in his life, not in front of his family or work, never.

I have been a divorce lawyer for 31 years, and I can tell you that this right here is perhaps the biggest reason for failed relationships... husbands who fail to make their wives their top priority. You should probably get a consult with a divorce lawyer... not necessarily to get a divorce (that's big decision), but just to know how to start protecting yourself.... because if you think you are not a priority now, just wait and see what happens when he thinks you want his money...

Don't let this keep you from living your life (whether you stay or not)... use it as motivation to be the best you can be. His biggest risk is that if he continues to take you for granted, he is setting you up to be swept away by someone who won't.

and this is reciprocal. I was in the situation role-reversal. My wife only needed me when she needed something. Zero intimacy (not sex. INTIMACY) I felt no desire or no hunger from her. She was content sleeoing in separate bedrooms and never ever touching. Yet, she was a social butterfly and everyone adored her. She nurtured her needs elsewhere. Sounds alot like what you husband may be doing. I'd beg her....please hold me. Please kiss me. To none effect. Zero. I gave and gave and gave. 21 years I gave of myself for the sake of my children. When you reach your breaking point, you'll know. The fact that you're venting here (safe, anonymous, etc) is a good thing. You haven't given up yet. My suggestion? Kill him with love and affection. Make everyone else in his life pale in comparison. At work he's a champion. Make him a champion at home. And keep your expectations low. It took 15 years to get to where you are today. It won't fix itself in a week.

SeptemberLondon

The key to a successful marriage is for both partners to make each other their TOP priority (over the children, job, whatever)..... if you dont have that as the basis for the marriage then none of the other things in the marriage can be successful.

I couldn't agree more! My kids will grow up and move on and start their own families. If they are my entire life, where will I be after they've moved on?

Cindy, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can relate much more than you know and much more than I'd like to discuss on this board. Suffice to say that I've been almost exactly where you are. It took time and courage, but I found myself again and I'm happier than I've ever been. If you'd like to talk more in depth, feel free to send me a message. I'd be happy to share my experience.