Hi I'm Kara

tckaramel

I've been on this site for a while, and recently I have been getting bullied because of a forum post I started...
I decided to make this post explaining who I am and why I am here:

Hello, my name is Kara and I am 21 years old.

On the outside I look like your average college bound, young adult.
On the inside I struggle with Anxiety, PTSD, and worst of all I have an eating disorder.

I've had an incredibly traumatizing year after I was hurt very badly by my ex-fiance right after discovering I was pregnant.

Something you should know about eating disorders... there is no cure. There is a thin wall between recovery and relapse.
Mine remained dormant for a few years but...
I ended up relapsing into my eating disorder, and spent a good portion of my pregnancy in an inpatient eating disorder clinic.
Finally after many many calorie exchanges, putting on some weight, group sessions with others struggling, and lots of classes I was cleared. On condition of my release, I moved in with family for support in reaching 'recovery'.

I see my ob/gyn to monitor my little one, I see my therapist to get things off my chest, and I see my dietician for obvious reasons.
All of this I do weekly, and I never miss an appointment, and I have gained a lot of healthy weight for my baby due to this.
My eating disorder went dormant again, and I was in a supposed recovery stage again.

With less than a month left until my baby is here, and multiple other stresses and triggers such as my ex getting an early release from prison, my friend making various attempts to end her life and what would have been my 6th anniversary coming up etc etc.
I have relapsed a little. It is not full blown or anything extremely crazy. I'm not trying to lose weight yet, and I am still striving to reach my daily goal of 2,000 calories (most of the time succeeding!). I am merely having a lot more ED thoughts, with the occasional days I find it hard to reach my goals. I never have dropped below 1,300calories since I've gotten out of clinic.

Something you should know is I think about my baby constantly. She is the entire reason I am trying so hard, and fighting this. I have to fight at every meal and snack time for her. I put aside my own selfish desires, so I can give her the nutrition she needs to grow and be healthy. I've been told every scare tactic in the book, and I couldn't agree more. Sometimes, I.. just... can't. Sometimes I need to vent, sometimes I need to blow off steam and complain. Sometimes, I need to just let all the awful eating disorder thoughts out of my head so I don't act on them.

Do you know what its like to hate yourself when you eat, and hate yourself when you don't? Do you know the intense desire I feel to waste away to nothing, and to stop taking up space? Do you know how it feels to walk past a mirror and be completely disgusted by your own reflection? Do you know what it is like to struggle with these thoughts that haunt you when you are sleeping or awake???

How can you judge me when you don't know?

You call me a horrible mother? I am fighting the hardest battle of my life right now, all for her! I try so damn hard.
You call me psychotic? No I am not crazy, insane, and I don't suffer from psychosis. I don't see hallucinations or delusions.
You call me stupid? Again, I'm quite intelligent as much as you'd like to believe otherwise... I just happen to struggle with eating.
You call me a troll? No, I'm not kidding you. An eating disorder is not a joke, many people suffer and die from it.
You tell me to kill myself? I'm sorry you don't think I deserve to live, but suicide is never the answer.
You tell me how ugly and fat I am? This doesn't even phase me, because I already think these things...
You tell me to 'just eat'? Why don't you go try telling someone with broken legs to 'just walk', it is the same thing... pointless.

I love my daughter, more than life itself. I would gladly give my life for her. I have gained weight for her, something that absolutely terrifies me. I have gotten stretchmarks from carrying her, because I've never been this size before. I eat, when eating is a non-enjoyable task for me. I provide everything she needs, and I am at an appointment almost daily making sure she is on track and developing properly. I talk to her, and I tell her my struggles... and I have written her letters telling her what a struggle this pregnancy has been for me, but that I'd do it over in a heartbeat just to have her here.

I came on this site for support, and to try and meet others with similar battles and struggles. I have met some very very nice and helpful people, but now I am getting bullied for having an eating disorder and not hiding it. I am getting bullied for asking a question I believe is valid. I am being bullied for being myself.

I am being messaged terrible things about myself. Do you think this helps my disorder?
I understand constructive criticism, but I will never understand blatant bullying. Name calling, and being told terrible things.

I haven't been hurt like this on a website before, and my family thinks what people are commenting and saying... is atrocious.
Please stop the hurt. Don't put me down. Don't judge me for my disorder. Don't harass and embarrass me.

1. I am allowed to have an opinion on daycare, here it is in full and my reasoning for it:

I read the news. There are stories all the time about something terrible happening. Some kid gets left in a van, someone shakes a baby, they find a dog fighting ring in the back yard, a child is tied up in an outside building, a daycare provider is arrested with crack in the daycare, and then there are even worse things like children dying from abuse and torture. Recently in my town these news articles have been on the rise, with children dying at daycare due to improper care. Having worked as a care-giver, I've been witness to several people mistreating clients at my old job (yes, they were reported on by me!) Leaving clients in soiled clothing, stealing, not being given their medications, or food at times. Being sworn at, or hit. Its horrible, and I can't take that chance. These are people that are back ground checked, finger printed, and have gone through schooling and yet they abuse their clients.
Most daycares are great I am sure, but I don't want to chance my child being left in the one bad ones.
She can't talk yet, and she can't tell me if she is being hurt or mistreated and that terrifies me.
I would rather trust a family member, or close friend who I know can and will keep a close eye on her.

TLDR, its my choice to not send my child to a daycare. It is my decision and mine alone, and I have my reasons. Stop trying to convince me that I am stupid, misinformed, etc etc. No amount of you telling me "I am wrong" will change this opinion. I am choosing not to send my child to one, and that's final.

2. I am against having some random babysitter watch my child. I don't want a high school kid:

Again, this is my decision and mine alone. I am deciding this for several reasons. Even with first aid, a background and fingerprint check and CPR training, I wouldn't be comfortable. I believe that high school age kids are irresponsible. I don't know them, but I do know that teenagers are very good at hiding the bad and illegal things they do. I know that there will always be exceptions, and not every teenager is a irresponsible delinquent.. but I am not willing to take that chance. I am not willing to risk my babies life. I don't need to be scouring through hours of nanny cam footage. I need to know that her diaper is being changed as per my preferences, I need to know she is being fed on time. I need to know this teenager isn't on her phone swearing, or stealing my things, or smoking outside, or too busy watching tv or doing homework to care for my little one. I don't know these kids, and I don't trust them. I've been to high school, and I won't chance it. That is my decision. No amount of arguing with me will change that, I promise you.
****acceptations to this rule would be people I know and trust personally, such as family members like my sister as long as they are mature and know my routine, and how I like things done for her.

3. Don't call me a liar, and don't harass me. I posted a question about bringing babies to the gym, to get feedback on parents who have babies and have brought them to the gym due to not having any other options. Here is my response:

The fact is, I have personally seen mothers bring their babies to the gym at non-peak times. Not all gyms have a policy against this. To further back me up, several comments on my post were from mothers who have or had seen babies at the gym in a car seat or stroller. There is ofc good and bad times to have children at the gym, i.e. I would never bring a baby to the gym during peak times.
We aren't letting our children crawl or touch things, they would be asleep in their carrier or stroller... ugh. I can't even continue this. The point is, don't call me a liar or harass me. This is like breastfeeding in public, some people find that taboo and some people find it absolutely fine. Opinions are opinions, but I'm not shoving mine down yours... don't shove yours down mine.

That is all I can ramble on about for now : / I hope some of you hateful people read this, and see the pain and stress you cause when you are inconsiderate.