accepting someone elses child as your own

prettigirl01

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 4 years consistently now. We were on and off for awhile. We both have a child with other people. I have a daughter who is almost 9 and he has a son who is 6. My boyfriend and I live together and his son comes over on weekends. My daughter is with me all of the time. My thing is I treat his son with respect and as if he was my own but I cant seem to really accept him as I should. I know this sounds strange. I am trying to explain the best I can. His son is a little terrorizer. He and my daughter will get along fine one minute and then the next they are arguing or fighting. He is very destructive and almost aggravating to a point. I know that kids will be kids. They sometimes do things like this and he reprimands his son but its getting to the point where im starting not to want him around. I almost have ill feelings towards him and I don't want to be this way. I know this is way off the weight loss topic but what do you guys think about this? Am I wrong for feeling this way? I care about him but when hes not around I am in a better mood than I am when he is around. suggestions would be great thanks

Organicgasm

Unfortunately, you can't just make yourself love or like every person on the planet. And children are just tiny people. Just try your best not to show it. It won't be good for anybody if anyone can sense that you don't love him. Just treat him as though you do and don't tell anyone otherwise. Maybe talk to a counselor about it so you can vent. Eventually he'll get used to your house and rules etc and maybe you guys will start to get along more. And maybe not. But at least you'll know you did right by him.

TheRoadDog

When I met my wife she had two little girls, 9 and 7. I always treated them as if they were mine. We had a 3rd girl together.

Those girls are now 32, 30 and 20.

I never showed favoritism.

I made a point every month to take each girl out on a "date". Just two of us. Wherever they wanted.

Guns_N_Buns

You are not alone. You are just one of the few that would ever outright admit to it.

I am a stepmother to two boys; sometimes I want to wring their necks, other days I want their mother to crash and burn so I can have them all to myself.

What I have learned over the years -- as it does get easier -- is that you have to actively choose to love and respect them unconditionally, as you would your own child. The more you love on them (even though it may feel fake at that time), the more they will love on you and the more that love will grow and become genuine. Kids sense that resentment and hostility toward them and act out accordingly. Once you establish that love/bond with them it will start to feel like you're all one cohesive family and not separated by prior relations; that's when life gets a whole lot easier and you feel the happiest.

Good luck!

ew_david

You're not wrong for feeling the way you feel, but if you can't tolerate his child I'm not sure how the relationship is going to progress.

prettigirl01

I really appreciate all of your answers and suggestions. I am in no way mean to the child its just my personal feelings and I definitely don't let it show. I think as he gets older, he will understand the rules more and of course boys are a little different than girls. sometimes I don't like the way he aggravates my daughter or roughly plays with her things while his are still intact. I do believe that over time things will become easier. As for right now I think counseling would help because I find myself needing to vent a lot. Thanks guys!

Cliffslosinit

Maybe the boy resents the fact your daughter is with his dad all the time and he is not.
Have you thought of counseling for him?
It's tough on kids when parents separate.
Good luck!

KelARita7

I am sure it seems harder because he is not your bio child. But the way you described the 2 kids is EXACTLY the way it is with my daughter (10) and son (5). They are seriously each other best friends one minute and the next they are at each others throats. Super hard on me in those moments and I am sure it's a tad easier for me since they are both mine. But there are also times I don't like my own kids. Not in a I hate them kinda way, just based on their behavior at that moment. I think the way you feel is normal. But if you think you can't live with it you really need to look at that feeling and go from there since they are a package deal.

ew_david

I really appreciate all of your answers and suggestions. I am in no way mean to the child its just my personal feelings and I definitely don't let it show. I think as he gets older, he will understand the rules more and of course boys are a little different than girls. sometimes I don't like the way he aggravates my daughter or roughly plays with her things while his are still intact. I do believe that over time things will become easier. As for right now I think counseling would help because I find myself needing to vent a lot. Thanks guys!

I've been through a similar situation. Though she wasn't my husband's child, it was his niece. She was 5 when I met her and she LOVED being around my then-boyfriend. She and her mother lived in our apartment building so she would come to our place whenever she wanted without regard to what we had planned. It got to be really annoying and I found myself not really liking this 5 year old child. But the issue was that our niece felt loved by us and got attention from us; things she barely got from her mother, who was more concerned with where her next lay was coming from. Once I realized she was just trying to be a part of a normal family, I felt differently about her and accepted her into my life as my own niece. It wasn't an overnight thing by any means. It took time, but whatever you do, do not make your boyfriend choose between you and his child.

Miss_1999

I love all three of my godsons as if they were my own. I look at those boys as if they were my own children. If anything were to happen to my best friend, I would find a way to take and raise those children, and she would do the same for my daughter. That doesn't mean at times they aren't little terrors, and that I wouldn't like to absolutely bust their behinds from time to time, but there's nothing I wouldn't do for them, and I love them with all my heart.

Now, I understand, there are some kids you just don't jive with, and that's ok. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's just like with adults. You can't help and/or control the way you feel about someone, just do your best to be kind.

prettigirl01

I really appreciate all of your answers and suggestions. I am in no way mean to the child its just my personal feelings and I definitely don't let it show. I think as he gets older, he will understand the rules more and of course boys are a little different than girls. sometimes I don't like the way he aggravates my daughter or roughly plays with her things while his are still intact. I do believe that over time things will become easier. As for right now I think counseling would help because I find myself needing to vent a lot. Thanks guys!

I've been through a similar situation. Though she wasn't my husband's child, it was his niece. She was 5 when I met her and she LOVED being around my then-boyfriend. She and her mother lived in our apartment building so she would come to our place whenever she wanted without regard to what we had planned. It got to be really annoying and I found myself not really liking this 5 year old child. But the issue was that our niece felt loved by us and got attention from us; things she barely got from her mother, who was more concerned with where her next lay was coming from. Once I realized she was just trying to be a part of a normal family, I felt differently about her and accepted her into my life as my own niece. It wasn't an overnight thing by any means. It took time, but whatever you do, do not make your boyfriend choose between you and his child.

oh no I would never make him choose ever and if that ever happened I hope he would of course choose his son but I don't think it would ever come to that.

prettigirl01

I really do believe he could possibly be upset about my daughter being around him more than he is because one night my boyfriend pulled my daughter aside and asked her what did she want for her upcoming birthday and they were sort of whispering. his son was there at the time and he got very jealous about this and upset. maybe hes just trying to fit in and feel and feel loved since he doesn't get a lot of that at home with his mom. im trying to be as patient as I can with him because I know it wont last forever

Owlie45

Could be a number of things
. Could his ex be saying things to encourage it? my brother dealt with that at the begining between him, us and his girlfriends son. he was told she was bad for going to school and not to listen to my brother or us.
. The adjustment from one house hold to another. It could be upsetting him and he doesnt know how to express himself.
. Was he a serial dater? were there many women between his mother and you that he interacted with? That can mess with kids more that what some parents realize. My mother dated many between my oldest brothers sperm donor to mine dad. My brother fought it even tried breaking them up. They get better after they know that you are not going anywhere and sorry but it takes years. My dad is their dad now, even changed their last names by their own choice.
. Or and the least disirable possiblity. That may be just his personality.

Blending families can be very hard.
Like the other person mentioned once a month you and him should go out and do something that he enjoys. My dad and brother go hunting. My other brother likes to discuss things like bigfoot, ufo, ghosts, and football.
And whether they get along perfectly fine, your boyfriend should have a day with your daughter too.

Guns_N_Buns

I'd also suggest what roaddog did; take him on a date with just the two of you.

If he sees your bf and daughter having this "whispering secret" thing going on, then pretend like you have a secret only you and him know and whisper in his ear. Simple little things mean a great deal to them.

seltzermint555

I'd also suggest what roaddog did; take him on a date with just the two of you.

If he sees your bf and daughter having this "whispering secret" thing going on, then pretend like you have a secret only you and him know and whisper in his ear. Simple little things mean a great deal to them.

I like this line of thinking a lot.

Also...road dog's daughter dates...that's just adorable right there.

OP, I think the fact that you recognize this as an issue and would like to take positive steps to change it (or ease the transition) is a huge positive sign for everyone involved, including your boyfriend. I think a lot of people in your situation would be quick to write off the son as a lost cause and let it create a gap that might not be bridged.

PlanetVelma

When I met my wife she had two little girls, 9 and 7. I always treated them as if they were mine. We had a 3rd girl together.

Those girls are now 32, 30 and 20.

I never showed favoritism.

I made a point every month to take each girl out on a "date". Just two of us. Wherever they wanted.

I make it a point to go out on "dates" with both of my kids. I'm a single parent, so they don't get a lot of one on one time with me. So one payday it'll be my son, the next it'll be my daughter.

Just making the effort and taking the time to just spend time that is only focused on them can make such a huge difference.

Btw my oldest is 19 and the last time we went on a date he treated ME! He still enjoys hanging with his ol' mom, and really gives us time to reconnect, talk about school/work/etc...

JenAndSome

I understand where you are coming from. It's not so much that you can't accept the child, I'm sure you love him. It's that his behavior is hard to tolerate sometimes and you dread having to deal with the unpredictability of it. He does sound like he could be upset about the amount of time your daughter gets to spend in the household. I would make sure that he also gets alone time with his dad. It is important that he knows that he is special too and not just an afterthought. As far as the fighting with your daughter goes, that is pretty normal sibling behavior. I have 3 boys in the house and it's a constant battle. The 7 and 8 year old are mine and the 4 year old is my ex-boyfriend's. I have been raising him since he was only three weeks old and apparently a waste of bio-mom's time. The 4 year old and 7 year old are almost always picking at each other, but every once in a blessed moment of peace they find something they both want to do together and are best friends for a few minutes before the rivalry begins again. I would say not to treat him any different and hopefully his destructiveness can be overcame with knowing he is in a loving and secure home when he is there. Obviously if it gets worse (his behavior or your feelings towards him) I would recommend family counseling.