I NEVER feel good enough - please help :(

aigéan

Okay, so I'm probably just going to ramble a lot, but it's what's on my mind. So here it goes...

Fat people are always made fun of. I was made fun of in school. I remember one time in 7th grade, this boy called me a whale in front of the whole class (30+ kids). I was mortified. I see the way people look at me sometimes. They look me up and down with their ****ing judgey eyes and see how fat I am. Yes, I know I'm a fat slob, but seeing people look at me like that hurts me to no end. It makes me feel absolutely disgusting like I'm so worthless.

My mother. I see the way SHE looks at me. And she's not skinny! She's around 250 I'd say. But I see the way she looks at my stomach. She has never been supportive. She has always told me negative things about my weight. I know she loves me, but I don't think she likes me very much.

So how do I get out of this feeling like I'm not good enough? How do I stop feeling like I won't be good enough until I'm skinny? Why am I so afraid of people judging me? Why can't I just STOP caring? I want to stop caring what people think. I want to love my boyfriend and love that he loves me, without thinking he's doing this or that because I'm fat. Am I even allowed to have a sex life being this fat?

How do I not ruin my relationship? How do I become happy in my own skin? Fat, chubby, skinny, old, young? How do I let my boyfriend love ME. I know he's in love with me. He tells me how pretty/beautiful/gorgeous I am. He calls me his princess every day. How do I become the girl that he loves? Should I tell him I'm a nutcase? Should I show him this whole rambling?

I don't know how to feel confident in this body. I have been taught that fat is bad and wrong. I am an emotional eater. I'm on the verge of tears. I just want to be normal and happy and to be loved.

please help

aallison85

You are amazing no matter your size. If your feelings are getting in the way of your relationship and happiness in general, it may be worth a trip to see a counselor. I can relate to the feelings you are experiencing. I often feel I am not good enough and it is so important to get that turned around. It is a thinking error. You are worth it and you are important and you are beautiful. A counselor may be able to help you work through this issue and help you to see yourself in a different light. Good luck, lovely!

drachac

The thing that I would really recommend for you to do is to find a support group. Find something more than even this site. Find a group of tangible people who can encourage you and love you and hug you. Try to keep the negative people to a minimum in your life. If you can think about joining somewhere like Curves or look around for support groups. And dont be ashamed of it either! There is noting to be ashamed of. You are trying to make a positive change in your life but you need help, support and encouragement. Use this site as much as you can. Especially for things like this when you have tough questions that you may not feel comfortable to ask face to face. Some of the most beautiful people are beautiful because they believe they are. We have all met (reguardless of our own personal size) overweight people who just shined and glowed. They brightened your day when they came into the room and we loved to see them coming. Try to change your outlook on yourself. Realize that you are worthy of love and you are priceless. Realize that it cuts you to the heart when people do these horrid things to you but you possess the strength and power inside of you to rise above it and over come them all. If you didnt have the strength you would have never joined the site and asked the question. You are on your way now. Now you just have to keep it up. I think if you can find a personal support group then you will be more likely to be able to keep up the strength to fight off all of the rancid negativity that is unfortunately part of your life due to the people who are a part of it. Dont loose heart, dont give up, dont let them win! You can do this!!! I know you can!

6Janelle13

Take a deep breath. Loving yourself is the hardest and most important things. You seem like a kind hearted, observant person that is struggling with self image. Look at things you are good at. Can any of those help you on this journey( for me - like to cook and i am ok at it. now i challenge myself to make it quick and healthy)? What about the people in your life? Can you ignore the looks and use it as inspiration to push yourself (think of your mom and go walking 5 more minutes, think of that boy and push yourself to do 20 jumping jacks etc). You are amazing and sensitive and you found a community that will not judge you and is here for support. Hang in there. You have the courage to to open your world to us so let us see a picture of you and keep making friends. there are some amazing people on here and there are a lot just like you who have had a rough road and who are working hard to change their lives for the better and future. It will get better.

And as for the good guy in your life. talk to him about how you feel so he isn't feeling like you are mad at him. see if y'all can work on lifestyle changes together. my husband loves the gym but 3 days a week he does 30 day shred with me to make sure i do it and help push me. it's helped our marriage. the biggest things is keep him in the loop of where you are and how you're feeling. he doesn't sound like he is going anywhere.

Jbwilson0708

messaged you

drachac

I totally agree with allison about the counselor. I have had to go before and they helped beyond words.

ninyagwa

Being skinny is a skill I've never aquired, and I don't believe that I ever will. Just like I can't juggle, walk a tight rope, wear a shoe size less than huge, or ever wear women's gloves. Some people aren't skinny, and some people aren't fat. I'm not entirely impressed with seeing my 300 lb body in the nude, but I'm totally impressed with me.

At the tender age of ten, I remember my pant size, 18, now it's bigger, but I can tell you it's never been lower than that number in my adult life. I've been picked on for being fat, I've been judged, and I've gotten the judgemental eyeball. One thing that helps whether it's people you know or people you don't know, they've got something about themselves they can't stand just as much as you are uncomfortable with your size, and they'd give anything to stop thinking about it for a minute, so they choose to point out your insecurities to you, as if you weren't already well aware.

Also, don't dwell on what those nasty people say. You have a boyfriend who obviously thinks that you are beautiful inside & out or he wouldn't deal with you pishawing his compliments on your body so well. You have to start telling yourself that the circumference of your waist does not define you, but the things you do, the things you care about & the people you love & who love you are what matter & should be the only things you consider when self-evaluating.

You may want to seek counceling, if not to help you with your depression, it will also help you to understand the views of people around you from a better perspective (ie it might help you understand why your mother thinks your weight is her business, and at the same time how to accept & appreciate the comments your boyfriend gives you on your lovely appearance). It's not so much not caring about what other people think, but understanding and accepting how other people think that's important (you don't have to like it).

I wish you luck & I hope you start feeling better

PS...You're totally allowed to have a sex life.

buck1994

First of all the amount of fat on your body doesn't determine how "good" you are, your heart determines that. Coming from someone who grew up being riduculed because of my looks, I know how you feel. Here's what helped me: Positive Affirmation! IF you want to lose weight, do it for the right reasons i.e. to be healthy, to buy the new dress, even to stick it in the face of those stupid people who ridicule you, but bottom line is you're doing it for you, not for how the idiot looks at you. Then write your goals down in present tense affirmative. Something like "I'm happy and thankful that I am (whatever size or weight you chose), by (pick a realistic date), and I look good when I wear my favorite jeans." Pick out 4 or 5 goals and write them down on an index card and carry it with you EVERYWHERE. Read it 6 or 7 times a day. That's positive reinforcement. Do it for near term, long term and your ultimate goals. Put stickies on your mirror so every time you look in the mirror you see the positive affirmation. For all those nay-sayers just remember for yourself one thing, you can lose weight, but in the immortal words of Ron White "you can't fix stupid!"

If you ever need support or a kind word, or even a kick in the *kitten* to help your motivation, you always have your friends on here.

Good luck! I look forward to seeing your progress.

kat_1972

When I get really down about my weight I remind myself that it is only a part of who I am. I am not just my fat body. I am a woman who is many things. I am sure that you are person who is many things as well. I remind myself of that all the time.

An exercise that helps me is to look in the mirror and say three good things about the way I look. I like my hair, my cleavage is outstanding , and I have a nice sense of style. Then whenever I find someone giving me the "fat ogle" that you talk about I tell myself that they are also seeing the beautiful parts about me. When I feel better about myself, it makes it more difficult for others to get me down. Now, don't get me wrong there are days, but really, you have the power to be as beautiful as you feel!!

Hang in there! You are working hard on yourself and that is something to be proud of!

possumracer

You seem like a beautiful person. Your boyfriend loves you and you should be happy about that. You have got to start living for you and nobody else. If people don't like you then that is their problem. What do you care. You don't even know them. I can relate to worrying about what people think. I worry about what my family thinks but the rest of them can go to he**. You are never going to please everyone and you will drive yourself crazy trying. Have you spoken to your mother about this? Maybe you are so self conscience about this that you read too much into it. Your boyfriend loves you and you him, so whats the problem? I bet you are plenty good enough. Think about all of the good qualities that you have to offer. Do the best that you can and that is all that you can do. I hope that this helps you. Don't be down on yourself. Merry Christmas.

Drealicious

Look, I dont know who you are, but i bet anything in the world you have an amazing personality. For the longest time i was so insecure about my body, that i never let my personatlity shine through. But i PROMISE!!!!! I promise people will change the way they look at yoiu if you start letting your personatlity shine through your skin. A body, ...is just a body. everyones willl change throughout their lifetime. HOWEVER, your personatlity and who you are will always be the same. Talk about yourself in a more positive way, and stop critizizing yourself in front of others. See where that takes you:) I challenge you to have a positive outlook on yourself for just a week:)

abmills

omg i felt the same way for along time, and i decided to take charge and im starting to work out and i have accepted the fact that i have gained so much weight. your bf loves you hunny, i felt the same way and still SOMETIMES do about my bf when he tells me he loves me no matter what, he is very supportive, he wants me to lose weight, not for his benefit but for mine, i let that get the best of me and i hurt him, and myself along the way and our relationship... accepting that you CAN change your weight is the first step, then doing it comes along being committed.. work out... go walk at least for 30 mintues a day... i do it... i do it every other day and so far i have lost 5 lbs. sometimes when im walkin to the gym i see people and when they look at me they look at me like its pointless for me to go to the gym... it hurts but it motivates me to actually go and work out, i want it to stop so i have 100% of what you are going through... the same situation with your mother happens with mine... my family and my dads family have never been supportive... when i was younger i would be chunky & then skinny & then chunky i would go back & forth....they would always tell me i was so fat even when i wasnt.... my mom always jus says "you need to lose weight" my mom weighs around 160lbs & it makes me feel bad because she actually has a small' somewhat flat stomach so you can only imagine! im barely starting to take control... its not easy... it took me almost a whole year after my son was born for me to stop procrastanating.. i am here to listen and im telling you .... if you really want it to stop take charge and do it... not for others but for your own satisfaction.
-adriana

DiggerBenson

Sounds like your boyfriend already loves you. Relax and let that be. As far as the other stuff, I think we have to LEARN to love ourselves. Yes, there are people who are "in love" with themselves, but accepting and loving ourselves for who we are is something altogether different. It is something I have worked on all my life, and while I have made a lot of progress, I am not at the finish line yet. I have found it helpful to read self-help books, be part of support groups, etc. I also found that when I allowed myself to grieve for the body I had, it helped me accept myself and also to begin in earnest the journey to becoming healthier, both physically and emotionally.

Good luck.

Tennessee2019

This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.

aigéan

THANK YOU ALL for the responses! I'm going to respond to each and every one of you personally tomorrow, but right now I must sleep! I have a final at 8am and I need to be up in 5 hours!

Thank you again, I appreciate it more than you know!

themommie

I agree with alot of the other responses I think counseling or a support group would help you alot. You are a beautiful person. It is sad that in our life so many people look at the size of people instead of what people are made of. Try to look at all the things you are good at, make a list, I bet you will find it is longer then you thought. Hang in there. This is a great site, you will find alot of motivation here and you will not be judged. ((((HUGS))))

HealthyishWithMaggieG

Whatever our size (large or small), it's my belief that all we ever truly want is the approval of the people that are closest to us (parents, significant other, etc). And by getting their approval, we then feel validated. I don't tell this story as a comparison, because I don't think I'll ever know what you're going through, but I understand how it feels to be unacceptable in the eyes of a parent.

In my family (including aunts, uncles, cousins), almost everyone is/was heavy and has been on some sort of diet most of their lives. When I was a kid, I always felt out of place because I was very small. Whenever my mom would talk about me, I was "the skinny one" or "annorexic" because I could eat a lot and didn't gain weight. (I was a very active kid, playing a lot of sports, took dance lessons and was in an active Girl Scout troop.) And even though that may sound like a great "problem" to have, the tone she used when saying it was just as hurtful to me as if she were the thin one and calling me "fat". It made me feel as though I didn't fit in and wasn't part of the family. That's a terrible feeling to have as a kid, especially since it was coming from a parent. I'm 37 now, and it still bothers me.

Over the last 10 years, I became more sedintary (?) and have gained some weight... a lot, for me. When I was out shopping for some new clothes with my mom a while ago and she asked my size, I actually saw her smile when I told her what my size was. It seemed to me that she was finally happy because I was "fitting in" with the rest of the family. Of course, she then found something else to criticize me over.

I guess my point is that we're never going to make everyone around us happy, no matter what lengths we go to to try to please them. I know it can be difficult when you're in a dark place in your life to snap out of it. I've been there. I've been scared to stay where I was, but too scared to take a step forward toward improving, too. While I never took the route of seeking professional help, that's a suggestion that several of the previous posters gave that I sometimes wish I would have done. Instead, I found a great company that I'm working with, that encourages personal development through reading books and listening to CDs. To help with the mental/emotional side of things, Anthony Robbins and Jim Rohn have some great books and CDs available. I would recommend checking them out... to go along with seeking professional help.

Whichever way you decide to resolve this, I wish you well.

barbarella

Hey Girl! What a great load of love & support you got right here! :flowerforyou:

And from that man of yours!!! Reach out to those who love & support you and forgetabouttherest!!!
Easier said than done, I know.......... :grumble: :noway:

But ultimately what we think of ourselves is the most important!
How much can you love yourself for the beautiful person that you really are?
Dig deep and you will see what beauty there is to behold.... YOU!!!! Beautiful YOU!!!

We all get down on ourselves, Big time! :grumble: :noway:

Give yourself a great Big HUG & get bizzzy finding people & books & resources
for info to help you get where you want to go. You Can Do It Baby!!! :flowerforyou: :drinker: :bigsmile:

NatalieWinning

My family was never supportive. It's taken me half my life to really realize it. And the main thing to realize is that many people don't grow up in supportive families or get what they need growing up. That doesn't mean they can't build it for themselves when they are adults and in charge of themselves.

Finding the supportive people, and people that are not bad for you can happen, if you make sure you push back and turn away from the unsupportive (bad for you) people and situations. Begin to surround yourself with positives, and positive people that DO have whats best for you in mind. Be a good friend back. There are many people that will be that person for you, or even another Mom for you that doesn't make you feel judged and supports you. Just let them, and ignore the rest. It takes time. It takes you realizing that you keep trying to please people that you won't please and stop trying. They have their own issues.

Know what? People don't always like skinny pretty girls either, or successful people, or people that do better than them Find your real friends, and keep believing in yourself. I have a 10 yr old. I'm trying to teach her what real friends are like. They care for you as much as you care for them. They don't use you as a stepping stone, or to compare themselves with so they feel better, or wallow in pity with. It's a 2 way street when it's real friends, and the street goes in good directions.

You are working on yourself, and not giving up! It's all going to come together. I promise.

Amerann

I can totally relate to this-growing up in a very dysfunctional, alcoholic home it's taken me almost 50 yrs to get to the point where God has shown me that I am HIS and no matter what anyone else thinks I am loved unconditionally.People are people and unfortunately most of us are broken. We disappoint each other and let each other down not meaning to (for most of us) . Look inside yourself .One day at a time begin to nurture yourself the way you've always wanted to be.This is not selfish-it's self love. You are worthy as a child of God and because of who YOU are. God bless you sweetie.