Addicted to junkfood, gained 60lbs in 1yr, pls help me!!!

mangazombie1

I guess I should start from the beginning.
My entire life, I had always been overweight, and was 180 my senior year of high school. I had been teased and viciously mocked on a daily basis ever since I moved back to my home town in 7th grade. Every day, I couldn't go one second without feeling self concious and extremely uncomfortable. I have had depression since the age of 8, which certainly didn't so anything to help the situation. I believe that I started to develop body image dismorphia around 7th grade, as I had never seen a problem with myself previously, but past a certain point, I couldn't see anything but "fat" when I looked in the mirror.
During the summer between 10th and 11th grade, I spent the break at my father's house (my parents are separated and both have married other people). A lot of the time, there wasn't much there to eat, at least nothing that held any interest for me. When there was something to eat, it was usually in the form of junk food, which at that point I had no appetite for since I had gone a few weeks without it. By the time I returned to my mother's, I had lost 40 pounds (I had lost 10 or so pounds before I left for summer break). I was around 130-135, and I was really happy. I was in shock. I felt good about myself, at least a lot better than I had previously. I maintained that weight for two years, fluctuating between 128-140, but always staying in the same comfortable range.
It was then, however, that my complicated relationship with food started to develop.
I would fluctuate between rigidly counting calories and binging. There were times when I threw care to the wind and must ate whatever i wanted like most normal teenagers, but those days were the exception, not the rule.
I went through periods of restricting. If I straightened out completely and sucked in my stomach, I could almost fit my hands all the way around my waist.
During Christmas break (the same year as my initial weight loss), I got really extreme. I had dabbled in purging via vomiting before, and at Christmas, I ate Christmas dinner and all of the candy I had received with my gifts all at once, retreated to my room (I had the former master bedroom after my parents finished the top floor and moved upstairs), and threw all of it up. For the remainder of the break, the only thing I would eat would be frozen berries, and occasionally carrots with ranch dressing. Looking back now, it's very clear that I had developed an eating disorder, but at the time, I always thought little of it because I thought I was too fat to have an eating disorder. Eventually my eating returned to somewhat normal, and I began eating as I had before.
At the end of my senior year, I moved in to my now husband's parents' home while he was in boot camp (he's in the Navy). They had nothing but junk food (and fruit), and so I ended up acquiring a taste and eventually addiction for something that previously held no interest for me.
My then fiancé ended up having to stay in boot camp for almost an extra two months, and I fell in to a deep depression. I rarely left my bedroom, or the bed for that matter. I would lie in bed or on the couch all day, even though I could have finished my associates degree in the time he was gone (I attended a high school that had you taking high school and college classes at the community college across the street at the same time, often taking enough credit hours to be a full time college and full time high school student simultaneously. I had already completed high school and I was only a few credits away from earning the associates).
When he graduated and started his A school in Illinois, I moved there to be with him. He was eating a LOT of fast food, and since he was, so was I, not thinking of the fact that he has a much faster metabolism than I do. I started ordering from Dominos all the time, and eating Taco Bell. I got mono in December, and it lasted until April, so I was almost always bed ridden during that timespan (2013-2014). This caused my muscles to atrophy, meaning that my metabolism was also slowed. I continued eating like I was before. It wasn't an issue until May, when we started to move out (we were moving to Washington state). I was around 160 at that point.
We made the trip via car, and it took us about a week.During that time, I ate a lot of terrible food, sometimes just to stay awake while driving through endless expanses of nothing but grass.
After being in Washington for a week, my husband had to leave for three months to attend his C school in San Diego. I became pretty depressed and reclusive. I started eating more and more junk food. I have eaten an entire batch of cookies in one sitting by myself exactly 6 times. It's gotten to the point where I'm ordering Dominos every single day or every other day, eating a large pizza, park bites, and lava cakes all by myself! I don't know WHY I do it. I don't WANT to do it. I want with every fiber of my being to stop, but I just can't seem to! Not only is it literally killing me (both sides of my family are almost entirely obese, both have heart disease, both have cancer, both have diabetes), but it is a huge financial drain as well (and we're already seriously struggling financially). At this point, I'm around 190. My husband is coming home in two weeks, and I'm really embarrassed and scared for him to see me. I rarely leave the apartment, ever. I'm just too self conscious. I've been wearing the same pair of sweatpants every day for the past year, almost. I don't feel like myself. I don't recognize myself. I don't know why I keep eating junk food, why I keep binging every single day. I hate it. I don't even enjoy it. I'm just compelled to keep going.
I need support. I need to be held accountable. I'm 40+ hours away from my friends and family, and I'm all alone. I'm scared. I'm only 20. I don't want this. I want to be myself again.
When I try and eat healthy, I don't even know what to eat (I don't eat most meats, only fish occasionally). I really need advice, support, some kind of help, and I don't have anywhere else to turn. I've seen his lovely and supportive and helpful you all can be, and I would very much like some sort of help. I don't just want it, I need it.

Pinkgoldturquoise

Ohhh I feel so sorry for you, don't worry, you will get through this! I agree you need to go to OEA or similar...I think you'll find that once you manage to stop for a while and get back to normal you'll be OK... Junk food is so addictive but a week or so without it will really help. I get the impression you don't know how to cook? I used to be like that too. Try making some recipes from the Jamie Oliver Ministry of Food cookbook, it's really simple and you can learn some healthy but filling recipes that you can make for your husband too Good luck! You will get through this and lose the weight xxx xxx

cebreisch

That's a lot to absorb. There's a lot that I've learned on my journey - which started in April 2011. One thing is the habits we create are hard to break. Dominos every night, and all the stuff that comes with it. Getting the junk food at the store. We become so familiar with the bad habits that we defend them to the end, and a big part of that is (just like you said) not knowing what to do really.

All those habits are hard to address all at once. So - start with one thing at a time. With me, one of my worst habits was stopping at McDonald's or the bakery or some other fast food type place for breakfast. I started having things like greek yogurt for breakfast. Now that Nature Valley has come out with some "protein granola", I usually add a handful of that to it. Basically trying to switch out the unhealthy breakfast sandwiches/biscuits I was getting with something healthier. Once I got used to doing that, it was trying to cut down on my intake of diet soda and drinking more water. Once I got used to that, it was trying to change up my lunch to have less "fried" things. They were changes that were live-able. It's got to be stuff you can live with otherwise it won't work.

One step at a time....find changes you can make that are measurable, but not so stressful to where you are that it'll blow you out - then just keep adding to those changes.

Most importantly - realize that you are worth it. You are worthy. Quit focusing on all the things that haven't gone well or that you aren't where you want to be....focus on things that will move you in the right direction. Know that you're going to slip, and that that isn't a sin - it just means you're human.

Don't tell yourself you can't ever have something you like ever again because that's not liveable. You'll get hung up on it so that's all you want. The trick is finding a way to get your fix without it "breaking the bank" both to your financial budget and your "food journal budget".

These are just things that have helped me along the way. Anybody can do this...particularly you. Expecially you. How do I know this? It's important enough for you to have posted your story thus far. It takes a degree of self realization to get to this point. You're more ready than you realize. You can do this. One step at a time. Tell yourself "I'm not having that right now." Not "never" - just not right now. This is so do-able. You deserve it. You deserve to invest the time in effort because you are worth it. You can do this!

TossaBeanBag

Stop eating junk food and do something today that your tomorrow's self will thank you for.

Liftng4Lis

Old thread, and from the look of her ticker, she never did anything about it.

DeliVibes

I recently gained 15lbs in 3months so I can't even imagine how much worse you feel than I do. I've slowly started to adjust my diet - drastic changes don't work for me. I've managed to cut back on chocolate, cereal and started to walk a lot more. I'm still trying to quit binge eating, taking it one day at a time. Hope this is of some help to you. To be honest what made me realise I had to stop eating junk food 24/7 was looking at myself long and hard in the mirror and remembering what I used to look like.. I don't think I'll be happy with my body for a long time but I know I'm not going to get any worse. I hope my experience is of some benefit to you!