Men strike back
Replies
-
0 -
One of my favorites:
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile Cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom..
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound..
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates
and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :sad: <
that is me laughing so hard I am crying!!!0 -
15 reasons beer is better then women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
3. Beer stains wash out.
4. Beer doesn't have to get a new dress for a party.
5. Beer never has a headache.
6. When a beer goes flat, you just toss it out.
7. Beer is never late.
8. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Hangovers go away.
10. Beer doesn't talk back to you and ask a lot of silly questions.
11. Beer doesn't have a Mother that goes with it.
12. When your beer gets upset, it settles down.
13. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
14. A frigid beer is a good beer.
15. Beer doesn't have anniversaries for you to forget.0 -
The dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:The dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!0 -
The dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!
:laugh:
You better be prepared to shoot your wife, she'll be rabid after that. :laugh:0 -
Okay this is for the ladies,
What do you call a cowboy without a girlfriend? ...Homeless! ha ha0 -
The dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!
:laugh:
You better be prepared to shoot your wife, she'll be rabid after that. :laugh:
I'm hoping she doesn't see it!
Good one Teddy!0 -
To be fair about it.
20 reasons women prefer dogs to men...
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
4. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
8. You can train a dog and it will even get your newspaper.
9. Dogs are easy to buy for.
10. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
11. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
12. Dogs understand what 'no' means.
13. Dogs don't need therapy to deal with their problems.
14. Dogs are happy with whatever you feed them.
15. You can force a dog to take a bath.
16. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
17. Dogs don't borrow your credit cards or cellular phone.
18. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
19. Dogs don't play video games.
20. Dogs don't drink beer or watch football.0 -
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.0 -
LMAO thats funny. Oh hey-- How do you empty a blonds memory : You blow in her ear.0
-
Why don't blonds make chocolate chip cookies?....Takes too long to peel the M&Ms
What do you call a blond that dyes her hair?...Artificial Intelligence
What is a blonds mating call?...Whewww, I think I'm drunk.
What's a brunette's mating call?...Has that Blond ***** gone home yet?0 -
I read these a while back and I thought they applied to this thread.
Mens Rules for Women
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
- If you can pick it up you can put it down, or learn to aim
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
- Cool, cause I can't afford the "perfect" lift kit/kc lights/60" tv etc either
Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Ditto
Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
-I enjoy talking guns and will watch monster trucks. And I'm a better shot than my husband.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
-When {{I}}, repeat I, am watching football, I wish my husband would shut up or go do something outside.
Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- Thats fine, booger flicking and spitting isn't either , us girls don't want to join in.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
-We just want some appreciation for the time we spent trying to look good on your arm and make other guys jealous
Crying is blackmail.
-don't make us cry
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
-when asking for it doesn't work, I get it myself
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
-already put it all in his phone
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
-my husband has more shoes than I do, and I had to make him throw out a pair before getting new ones
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
-yes they are, if only my husband was capable of more than an indecipherable grunt...
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
-I agree, so when ya'll whine to us, prepare for advice (and maybe try taking it)
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
-duh, and I can think of a very fun way to get rid of that headache
Check your own oil! Please.
-i do then my husband complains cause i didn't wait 3-5 months for him to do it
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
-until you use the roladex brain you "secretly" have and pull up stuff that we did or said (years) before we even met
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
-i love my VS, he wines that I spent $$ on it, or got the wrong color And byw--soap opera guys have more drama than we do, why would we want that?? :laugh:
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
-ditto :glasses:
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
-works both ways buddy My rule is we aren't blind, you can look, but you can't touch
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
-Ok well, then next time you don't feel like driving, don't tell us how to from the passenger seat :happy:
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
-ditto please please. I hate having to listen to you and my tv show at the same time. Its so rude.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
-He wasn't looking for America-- he got lucky. BTW I have a way better sense of direction than my husband.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
-Ditto. We are all B*s and can only take so much crap before we have to set it right.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
-Ok, well have fun telling the guy repainting your car exactly what color you want :laugh:
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
-so do we, just not right infront of everyone..
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
-Ditto
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle
-If we aren't worth the hassle, then neither are you. One day we all find someone who is.
Just had to respond LOL.0 -
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'0 -
The dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!
:laugh:
You better be prepared to shoot your wife, she'll be rabid after that. :laugh:
I'm hoping she doesn't see it!
Good one Teddy!
well she did......
Best watch it smart *kitten*!0 -
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
[/quote]
All in fun. Here's one at my expence to make amends.
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.
"Did god make you?", she asked.
"Yes" he answered.
"Did god make me,to?" she wondered.
"Yes", he replied.
"Well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"
[/quote]
That was really cute..enjoyed it. :happy:0 -
hate to admit..i laughed0
-
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
LOL that is going on my facebook wall0 -
One of my favorites:
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN...
OMG! So funny!!!0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 392.9K Introduce Yourself
- 43.7K Getting Started
- 260.1K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.8K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 415 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.9K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.6K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.5K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions