Almost hit goal weight and feel worse than ever before..?

nimu_nimu

Hello, I'm seeking out any support, advice or shared stories on this.. I joined mfp a couple years ago now I think it is and after a lot of ups and downs I'm finally about to hit that number on the scale that I've been reaching towards for so long. Every new 10 pounds down I used to feel more and more confident and now I'm finally within those final 10. Exciting right?
The problem is when I look at myself in the mirror I still feel fat. And not just fat, but probably worse about my appearance than I remember ever feeling before. It's been a long time since I started losing, but I honestly can't see any progress or anything I like more about myself since I started. In fact, I'm getting to the point where I almost break down into tears when I see myself in the mirror or in pictures because I look and feel SO awful. Regardless of the constantly declining number on the scale.
Logically I know I've lost almost 50 pounds and more than a couple pant sizes, and I do occasionally hear some supportive words from family members about "looking great" or "you've lost a lot of weight!" (which can sound a lot like "you used to be SO fat!" especially when I still FEEL FAT). My sister even said something along the lines of "You're not even fat, you're like NORMAL size now!" which I know to take with a grain of salt because she's one to speak before she thinks.
I am certain I need to readjust my "goal weight" by at least another 15-20 pounds even though my current "goal" is what my last doctor told me to aim for in regards to weight loss; but I don't know when or if I'll be taking it too far. My boyfriend often makes comments about me "not eating enough" or that I "don't need to lose weight" but I -know- I am still overweight. However, I'm also becoming worried that if I put any additional stress on my dieting and weight loss, I'm risking putting stress on our relationship as well.
Again I really appreciate any feedback in regards to this as I don't have anybody in my life really that I can talk to about it in depth, or that could relate. I know I might sound overly vain or something like that, but I have been pondering this a while and struggling more the closer I get to that "goal" number and I'm searching direly for any advice or tools (even of the emotional self-care type) to help me kick this newfound self-loathing. :ohwell:

SingRunTing

If you want specific advice for your goal, you need to give more information such as:
- Your height and weight
- Your current body fat %
- Your eating habits (do you IIFYM, low carb, low fat, etc)
- Your exercise regimen
- Your non-weight related goals

Without that info, its pretty impossible to give specific advice on what you should do body wise. I'm not really the person to give this advice, I just recognize that the necessary information is missing. (and the proper advice may be "listen to your doctor", but its hard to tell without the additional facts. There is more than one way to be at a specific weight, this could be a body recomp type situation, I don't know)

However, I absolutely can give mentality advice. Losing weight is physical. If you don't work on the mental aspect of it, your mentality won't change. If you dislike yourself, losing weight won't make it any better. We are always our worst critics and will always see our flaws regardless of how "perfect" our bodies are.

Happiness and self acceptance is separate from your physical appearance. Some people do find self acceptance on the way through their weight loss journey, but its because they've realized the amazing things they are capable of and find self worth from realizing their potential. But that comes from within, not from your appearance.

Just know that many people find that losing weight is not the answer to their self esteem problems. You are not alone.

My advice is to reach out. If you are struggling, try talking to someone (either a therapist or a friend). Try new things. Maybe you'll find a new hobby you really enjoy. I know that was the answer for me. I found something that I enjoy doing and it greatly changed how I feel about myself.

stardust92

I know exactly how you feel. I have lost almost 50 lbs and even though I still have 50 to go I can't see any change. I have a picture at my heaviest and compare current me to old me and can see it in pictures but when i look in the mirror it is the old me staring back.

Apparently it can take 12 weeks to adjust to the new you once you hit goal weight! So trust me one day you will see the new you

In regards to the not so positive comments, people hate change especially if it reflects on them. In my case I was always the fat friend and so my thin friends are starting to panic as i lose weight gain confidence and steal the attention from males when on a night out. Which comes out in ' aren't you done yet' 'you look fine as you are' 'but you want be you anymore' and many more. They don't mean it, they are only human. In regards to your bf maybe he feels the thinner you getter the more likely you will not want to be with him? It is common because even though people say losing weight won't change them it does not just because of confidence but because you learn so much about yourself when losing weight and what you are capable of you can't help but change.

Always here for support if you need it. Losing weight is the toughest thing I have had to do mainly because it takes a long time and I am very impatient!

Hope things pick up and congratulations on the weight loss, you rock!

sofaking6

I have had a very similar experience, and going both ways - i.e. when I lost a bunch of weight here I felt more and more fat, and when I gained it all back I was utterly convinced I wasn't putting any weight on at all and didn't look horrible in my overstuffed clothes.

We do have a mental map of our bodies in our brains; it helps us move around and know where we are in relation to things like walls, chairs, etc. I feel like when our bodies change, those maps take some time to catch up, and when we don't see what we believe to be true it causes dissonance and thus angst. It's important to realize that our brains trick us all the time; it could well be that the sadness and worse feelings are just your mind trying to fit some kind of appropriate emotion to that dissonance of eyes seeing one thing and brain knowing another.

And also, other people treat you differently when you're overweight. Even if it's subtle things that you don't know you notice, subconsciously you may be reacting to other people's reactions to you. Maybe some friends act more distant, maybe others give you more respect, maybe others are all-but-openly hostile. All that takes time to recognize and adjust to.

Give yourself some time to settle in to where you are now. If you've lost 50 lbs, you can lose another 10 if you decide that you want to. Try doing maintenance for a little while and then make that decision.

Adc7225

Today I reached 90 lbs lost. I went from 244 to 153, I wear a size 4/6 from a 18/20. I still see a fat girl in the mirror.

This funny thing is that when I was 244 I did not realize I was fat, overweight yes but I never felt fat. I was comfortable with my body clothed and unclothed. Now at 153, clothed okay unclothed no way!

I want to feel good about myself, I feel much better and my health is much better but I still have not reached that all-encompassing acceptance - in fact my goal this month is to work on my self-acceptance.

I think it is hard for people who do not believe their self-worth is tied to their appearance and maybe that is why it is so difficult for us to accept the comments and changes in the way people in general treat us because to us we are the same person as before just a healthier version. I won't suggest that you see a therapist because I think that you would know when it is time for that. But I would suggest that you give the process some time.

One of my feel better things to do is actually try on clothes and take pictures, the more photos I have the easier it gets for me to see what others see. Photos are much better than looking in the mirror.

Apparently weight loss can be as detrimental to relationships as weight gain, but you have to do what is best for you.

I have had a relationship end earlier during this process and the one recently seems to be conflicted with my weight loss, while supporting me, not quite happy with the shrinking of certain parts - WTH!

I really wish you the best

Vonikins

OP - I think sometimes a number never quite reflects the mental image we are striving to achieve. As I work to stay on the wagon this go around, I have been turning my focus more to toning muscle and increasing fitness overall instead of just striving for a number on the scale. It is interesting because my mom is recovering from chemo and though she is finally at a weight that she is content with, her flab due to muscle loss from her treatment makes her perceive herself as being overweight still. Since you are basically at your target number, turn your efforts towards muscle toning to tighten up and slim up your entire body. I look back at my life and even when I was lean I never felt content because of the flab and lack of muscle tone. Because muscle volume is less than fat volume the same weight will actually look leaner and you should get closer to your mental image. As for reacting to the comments, any comments on weight has a unspoken sting because a compliment implies that the counter argument was true to you once upon a time. I would just smile and say you are proud to have taken a proactive change to your life and health. Sometimes times just grinning is all that is required for a badly worded compliment.

CupcakeCrusoe

Silly question- did you take pictures along the way? Can you find pictures?

I think you'll find, upon looking at the difference, that you are better than you were. Give yourself time and the mental space to think about the changes that have been wrought in your body. And one more thing-

Every morning, look yourself in the mirror in as little clothing as you'd like, and tell yourself you're beautiful. Find one thing you like. It can be more than one thing. Put a post-it note up if you need to.

Loving yourself has little to do with weight loss.You've accomplished great things, give yourself permission to love yourself.

nimu_nimu

Thank you so much to everyone for the feedback.
I have pictures of myself from before and during the weight loss and in the ones where I'm the heaviest I honestly don't even register them as being pictures of me. For some potentially unnecessary background in this matter, I have a theory, but not necessarily a solution:
My father and brothers passed away in an accident a few years ago and shortly after I started putting on a lot of weight very quickly (both due to a mess of anti-depressants and other psych meds and stress alone). I was always overweight as a child and teen, but this was the worst it ever got.
Because of the extreme emotional trauma I also experienced a lot of dissociative episodes as well as some retrograde amnesia during this time. I still do not have very many memories from the following year or so after the accident, only pictures (when I was also at my highest weight).
To sum it up, pictures of myself and even ones I took during this period of time do not line up very well with the memories I have, and often I forget that something (a trip, or party or other event) ever happened until I see the pictures. When I see pictures of myself from an unfamiliar time when I was at an unfamiliar body size (though not long ago), the person in the pictures looks unfamiliar too. I have a really hard time taking any photos from 2010-2013 and seeing solid improvement, because they don't feel real to me at all.
As for the therapy note, I do have a good therapist I see but we don't generally talk about anything pertaining to weight or body image. I will have to bring it up next time I have an appointment, though honestly I'm not sure how much more insight he could offer than anyone who's experienced this kind of thing or a major weight loss personally.
I do like the idea of the mind taking time to catch up with the body, because I know time can often be the most practical medicine, but I guess what I struggle with most is the idea of feeling worse about myself than when I was 50 pounds heavier. Perhaps I just cared less or didn't ever realize how overweight I truly was.
I also like the idea of toning muscle before jumping to more weight goals. I've always done some more advanced yoga in loo of weight training (and been pretty happy with the results as far as muscle tone goes), but perhaps a weight training regimen is in order now that I've lost a lot of bodyfat? Admittedly I've been slacking a little with the yoga lately too so I will have to work harder at that for sure.
Again thank you so much for the kind words, they are so very much appreciated.