The damage I've done

pleasepleaseno

I worry about the damage I've done to my body after being bulimic for 6&1/2 years. (Just to be clear, I started recovery last May, and am doing MOSTLY well these days, though the occasional slips do happen.) I worry that my heart is screwed up. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad...sometimes after running, sometimes after caffeine. Other times when I slip and purge. My heart feels like it's fluttering sometimes, like the beats aren't regular. I'm scared of going to the doctor and looking foolish, of them telling me my eating disorder was not serious enough to cause damage. I'm afraid of seeing a doctor and something actually being wrong.

I'm not looking for advice, I know I should go, but I just worry a lot. I worry that I'll be told not to run as much. I get a lot of body aches and usually try to run past them. I worry that I'll be told to stop losing weight.

Please don't judge me everyone, I just needed to get this out.

rmdaly

It must have been tough to write that. Good luck in your recovery. I'm really not good at going to the doctor either and am afraid of looking foolish. It does seem like you are dealing with some anxiety and finding someone to talk to, like a counselor or therapist, might help with you succeed in your recovery.

pleasepleaseno

Thanks. Yeah, I think you're right, doing this alone is quite tough.

UpEarly

Be brave and go see a doctor! I know it's scary, but there is information you need. I was in a similar situation in my early 20's. Seeing a doctor is what I needed to get answers and get on the path to recovering and being healthy.

Take care!

ianthamfyolek

Eating disorders can have an underlying cause like anxiety. Anxiety also can cause chest pain, a rapidly beating heart, and all kinds of other physical symptoms. The doctor can help figure out if it is something much less threatening than heart damage. The thing is, you won't know until you go. You sound very brave to be able to take recovery from an eating disorder on without physician assistance. Good luck with your journey and, just remember; asking for help doesn't mean you are weak. It means you are intelligent enough to know your limits and strong enough to know that you want to keep improving.

cebreisch

Eating disorders suck. They just do. Everything from Bulemia to food addict. First thing is to recognize what's going on.

Yeah, it probably has done some not so good stuff to your heart. BUT if you continue with the recovery, it will get better.

I don't know about bulemia, but I do know about food addiction. It's hard for me to not obsess about food, what can I eat next, and just totally want to not have to worry about what I'm eating and non-stop binge. Binge to the point of throwing up not because I want to, but because I've eaten so much I have to.

There are people who don't like using the phrase "dealing with demons." I don't know if I like it or not, but I understand it. I dealt with my demons until I made myself sick and did so to the tune of 376 pounds.

My therapist chuckles now and asks if things tick me off a lot more now. Of course they do. But mostly I'm not avoiding dealing with it by eating my way past it as much. Having to deal with those emotions is hard. I'm hopeful that in recovery, you'll continue to find ways to deal with your emotions and anxiety.

There has to be a way for you to achieve goals to make your heart stronger that you can work with the doctors and recovery people. Let them know you want to be able to run. Work with people who can get you to where you want to be.

I remember talking with another guy who lost about 100 pounds. I asked him how he did it. His response: "I hired the right people."

I don't spend a mint, but I have "hired some right people" too. and I go to support group meetings, and meet with a therapist. It really helps. It helps most when I get "real" and quit trying to avoid things.

For what it's worth - I don't know if it helped any, but I was just drawn to write a reply. Hoping for the best for you.

TexasDarling09

Honestly, I work in an ER and you know what the #1 complaints of the doctors is about the patients that come in? That they aren't 100%honest with them about their life/things that could be affecting their symptoms/condition.

Just go to a doctor and be completely honest. Tell them you don't want to overreact, but are concerned about your symptoms and tell them WHY. You have no idea how important it is.

glasshalffull713

Once you go and find out, you won't have to worry anymore about those things. They are what they are, whether you worry or not. At least if you know, you can feel some sense of control over the situation because you will be aware of the right steps to keep yourself safe and healthy. If they say you can't run, then you will have the info you need to find something you CAN do. If they say you have a heart problem, you will know what treatment options you have and take steps to being healthier. If they say your concerns are nothing to worry about, you'll feel silly for a few minutes and then get over it! Sometimes in our lives we spend so much time and energy avoiding things because we are scared, but often it's easier to face things head on. It's kind of counterintuitive. You already know the right thing to do, now you just have to be brave. Good for you for valuing yourself and taking your health seriously!

Mariachicat

There is nothing to be ashamed of....good for you for reaching out! The best doctors are sensitive to weight issues and will try to work with you to maintain a weight that you are comfortable with while addressing your anxiety. You might just need a weight neutral anti anxiety medication, which exist. Get second and third opinions if you aren't feeling your doctor!!

VeryKatie

Do you have any close family you can talk to? Or that you perhaps would be comfortable having join you in the doctor's office? It is an option for sure. Sometimes it's nice having a hand to hold (either literally or figuratively) through difficult situations. Good luck!

Calliope610

OP, I see in your profile that you are a college student. Can you go to the university health center?

kristanvdub

Think of going to the doctor as a step in your recovery, it's just part of your journey with an eating disorder. They may give you valuable advice only a doctor would know or lead you to something else such as a therapist who can also help you with this. Someday you'll be able to look back on that doctor's appointment and realize how important and helpful it was to you.

I had a physical problem that I needed a lot of help with and when I finally went to the right doctor it got the ball rolling to being healed and now it's something I wish I had done a lot sooner.

I hope this helps and I hope you keep making healthy strides in your life

Good luck!!

runningforthetrain

I would highly recommend getting a professional counselor to discuss your fears and also have them support you on getting you medically checked out. And something I wish someone had told me--- all counselors and psychologists aren't created equal --you have to find one that you can relate to-- very important.

You are such a dramatic and beautiful young girl--- sorry you have this problem.

Best wishes and take good care of yourself.

Miss_1999

First, kudos to you for having the courage to put this out there! It takes a lot of bravery to have to sit down and face the demons that have held you hostage for so long, and the looking at them on paper and/or screen is sobering. You've taken first step, by getting it out. You've been in recovery, and that's a good thing. It is scary talking to a doctor about things that you're afraid of, BUT, the good thing is, talking to someone now, can and will help you in the long run. If there are any problems or complications, they can be treated or dealt with NOW before they become big problems. I am *not* a doctor or medical professional, but what you're describing, sounds a lot like anxiety. I've struggled with anxiety attacks in the past, and had trouble with rapid heartbeat/thinking I'm going to have a heart attack/die of a heart attack, trouble breathing/out of breath. There may be a problem, and honestly, there may be nothing, it's just best to go and find out. I know someone else had mentioned support groups. They are WONDERFUL tools! We'll be glad to support you here, and if you have a local support group and would like to be able to reach out and talk to others who are survivors and understand what you're going through, it does help to know that you aren't alone, and that you've got friends who have your back. Regardless, best wishes on your continued recovery!

LAT1963

I doubt there's anything you could tell your doc that they haven't heard or seen before. You should just go and tell them your concerns.

Chest pain isn't always a heart attack. If you've been bulemic, your esophagus has probably been kind of abused by all that vomiting. You might be getting esophageal spasms, which are muscle spasms that hurt just like if you had a muscle spasm in your leg or somewhere.

You're seeking emotional support but the issues you list are mostly medical issues and the best support you can get for them is from your healthcare team. Online buddies can add to that support, but are no substitute for it.

I don't know what to say to give you courage to talk with your doc(s).

pleasepleaseno

Wow, I'm really amazed and humbles by all the responses. I think I have known that I should be seeking a counselor/therapist to help me out...I was seeing one until about 6 months ago when I came back from being abroad (I stayed abroad quite a while and did a good deal of my initial recovery and largest steps there). I have wondered for a while about my anxiety...funny thing is I'm nervous to ever mention it to my psychologists/psychiatrists because Im afraid they'll think I'm a fool (oh the irony haha).

I realize I do need to see a doctor, really. You all made great points, and you've reassured me that I'm not some ultra freak, I'm just human.

EmilyPersephone

I can't even imagine how difficult this is for you, and I'll bet it took a crazy amount of courage to open up. So rock on for letting it out.

All I have to say is that it can be very easy to convince yourself that you need to do something, even if that something isn't actually good for you. Try your best to keep opening up, and don't go through this alone.<3 You owe yourself everything and you deserve to live a happy healthy life. If you ever need anyone to vent at, I don't mind listening and I'm sure there are plenty others here who wouldn't mind either.

Best of luck, darling!

Liftng4Lis

You've taken the first step in admitting it, now take the second and see a doctor. Great job BTW!

AskTracyAnnK28

I was in your shoes about 15 years ago. I knew I had a problem but was afraid I didn't have 'enough of a eating disorder' to get help. My mom dragged me there and he ended up taking my condition pretty seriously.

ED's are often a result of OCD and other anxiety disorders. He recommeded me to a good psychiatrist who put me on meds and whatnot and it totally helped - although I slippped up a few times in the first 3 years.

I haven't had a relapse in at least a decade but I know the struggles and how difficult it can be.

JenPass1977

You know what to do lovely lady. Without going in to too much detail I lost my baby daughter a couple of years ago which let me to drinking way too much too regularly and 'self medicating' (a polite way of saying it) and I had to give my self a kick up the back side, take a deep breath and go to the doctor and tell him exactly what I had been doing. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do but it is what I needed, I got the right help and am a much happier and healthier person. I know it is a different situation but it is still a case of confronting something which is really hard to face. You will be far better off in the long run I promise xxx