Need support.

musicx

Hey - been lurking around here for awhile, but nervous to post.

I am a 23 year old recovering anorexic, and really struggling with the idea of increasing my intake. I'm 5'5'', 102.5lbs right now, and aiming for 115, though that even scares the crap out of me.

Making sure I get at LEAST 2100/day (ranges between 2100 to just shy of 2200 - see the significance yet?!).

At my last weigh in (Thursday), I hadn't gained anything (or if I did, it was .2lb or .3lb). Really scared to allow myself to just eat and enjoy food. Terrified to increase my intake to even 2250 for goodness sake... afraid that I will just BALLOON!
Then again, I'm so sick of the rules, rigidity and lies of my anorexia.

Advice? Suggestions? Please nothing stupid or silly... I'm posting this in all serious and honesty.

angiewf

It must be difficult for you, do you have professional help? I have no experience of anorexia so can't really advise you. Just wanted to wish you luck in your struggles.

musicx

Thank you for your response. Yes, I am in therapy/treatment, but it's not a hospital-based program like my first round. When I relapsed, I sought out a different treatment as opposed to hospital which really was 'one-size-fits-all' and had really caused my perfectionism to kick into overdrive. This treatment is different on many levels - when it come to food, I choose things I'd like to eat/want to eat, push myself for challenges/prepare my own meals. Yes, I have a nutritionist that gives me the guidelines, but it's about breaking away from the rigidity and rules of my anorexia while still making sure I get enough.

Basically, it's about learning how to recover and STILL live/be in my life.

I want my life back - and, embarrassingly enough to admit, I have cravings for delicious things, but am still SO terrified.

LadyCouerlyn

I wish you all the best of luck. If you ever need someone to vent to, I'm more than willing to listen. I have never been in your shoes, so I won't pretend to know what you're going through.

All I can say is, if you're determined to get your life back, then you will! It's definitely not something that's going to happen over night, and I'm sure you know this. But neither is ballooning! Just because you indulge in something that sounds delicious doesn't mean you'll end up in my shoes overnight - 125lbs over weight!

Take your time. Don't force anything that makes you incredibly uncomfortable. "Good things in moderation," yes? Maybe having a very small portion of something "delicious" is the stepping stone you need. You're not ready to have a real portion because of guilt, but maybe a small portion will help you ease in to it over time.

Again, I wish you all the best of luck, my friend request is always open, and I would be more than happy to support you on your journey.

ChristineMeg1

Hi. I struggled with binge/purge/restriction/overexercise bulimia for 8 years, and I have been actively in recovery for 3 years. I've learned to say "in recovery" instead of "recovered" because I've found recovery is an everyday process, an conscious decision to do what you know/feel is right for your body. Since my recovery, I've gained and lost weight. I finally found my "set point" and am currently trying to lose weight to get back to that point. I gained extra weight when I stopped eating properly ie 3 meals a day and trying to restrict.

Recovery is a hard battle, but well worth it. I sought intensive outpatient treatment with a well renowned psychologist, and I am still to this day paying the credit card debt I acquired from being in therapy. I do not regret that money I spent at all.

Through recovery, I was able to discover myself, my genuine likes and dislikes and establish my career. I even got married to my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time who helped me with my recovery.

Recovery only offers fantastic things, but yes, it is a very, very hard hard hard battle. The hardest you will ever fight. You will have setbacks. But, one day you will realize the little eating disorder behaviors you once had just seem illogical. The enemy of disordered eating is logic.

I wish you the best of luck. I am here to listen to you and help you along the way

babystepsforward

I am a similar weight, same height and have the same goal weight as you! i am terrified of increasing my calories and the anorexia in me still feels pleased when i weigh myself and i have not gained even though i KNOW i should be ecstatic if i do and that it is a positive step. If i ever eat anything unhealthy or feel like i have indulged i despise myself even though i exercise everyday and am trying to gain weight so have every reaosn to eat alot of calories and enjoy food. its horrible!