Looking for approval/ acknowledgement

Summerfit321

Years go by so slowly and yet so fast. You tell yourself on new year's eve, that this year will be different: healthy eating, working out, enjoying life and becoming a new you.
But some days are easy, and everything falls into place, but then life gets in the way, and stress, heartbreak, no time, anger, etc... get in the way. The days of dieting seem to take forever, and you start to want something to make you feel better, and the good intentions fade away.
That was the story of my life for years, but this last year, things took a turn for the worst. I've always been a hard worker, sometimes even a perfectionist (but I never achieve perfection), and I have also suffered from OCD in the past, and now anxiety. I have always felt that my life isn't where it should be... I sometimes feel like a loser or rejected or... yeah violins, etc...

Can't say exactly why, but this last year, everything got the better of me. I started binge-eating. In the beginning I would fast for 30 hours straight, work out for 5 hours straight to make up for it. But this turned into a cycle, a vicious one, and the binges got worse and worse and worse, until in the end I couldn't believe what I had done.

Long story short: my life is upside down. I've missed classes and days of work because of the bingeing and I HAVE GAINED 18 POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS. People always say that when you're facing something serious, you should address those you love. I have tried talking to my mother about my problems, but she can't even fathom them whatsoever. She doesn't see the problem, she doesn't understand how being bullied as a child and young adult can cause you to eat. She always says that she too has had so many problems in the past, but never resorted to binge eating. I love her so much and that's why I can't accept that she doesn't understand me. I want so badly for her to say: "You know what, I understand... but until you deal with these issues, you'll never win this fight. Let's do it together." All she ever says is "Just don't eat so much." I know she loves me dearly, more than anything and she's been the best mum, but when it comes to this, she just won't listen, and it kills me.

I wonder why I keep looking for her acknowledgement or approval. I wonder why that is so important to me, and why I often feel close to tears when she brushes me off. Sometimes that is what causes me to binge.

Any advice on how to accept the lack of support from a loved one?

andibenoit

Sounds like counseling for eating disorder and/or attending Overeater's Anonymous might be in order. I was an emotional eater for a long time, and sought approval/acceptance from family, where it was NEVER going to happen. I was never good enough, no matter what I did. Having other people who just GOT IT has been a huge help.

pinkaeryse

:flowerforyou:

its difficult. i also feel that a support group would offer benefit for you.

it took me 40 years to discover that the only person who need accept me is me. i approve of me. it takes time and work. dont give up. you are worth it.

:flowerforyou:

Adc7225

I once had someone tell me "maybe he is loving you the best way he can" this was a wake up for me to realize that it not only applies to him but me as well. We have to acknowkledge that we may not offer those we love everything that they need in the way that they need it and this goes both ways.

Your mother does not understand what you are going through, she does not understand your relationship with food, in fact you don't understand your relationship with food. You acknowledge that you know that she loves you but she is not showing it in the way that you need her to, she may think that she is - this may require a heartfelt conversation between the two of you.

I won't offer that you need to seek professional help for overeating, I believe you would know that if that is what you need. I do believe that you need to find another way to focus your OCD and for this you may need some guidance.

Wishing you the best!

Summerfit321

I once had someone tell me "maybe he is loving you the best way he can" this was a wake up for me to realize that it not only applies to him but me as well. We have to acknowkledge that we may not offer those we love everything that they need in the way that they need it and this goes both ways.

Your mother does not understand what you are going through, she does not understand your relationship with food, in fact you don't understand your relationship with food. You acknowledge that you know that she loves you but she is not showing it in the way that you need her to, she may think that she is - this may require a heartfelt conversation between the two of you.

I won't offer that you need to seek professional help for overeating, I believe you would know that if that is what you need. I do believe that you need to find another way to focus your OCD and for this you may need some guidance.

Wishing you the best!

Thanks for the advice and words of support. I never really thought about it in that way. I do my best, like most reasonable human beings do, but I know that I'm not the perfect daughter: no-one is perfect, and indeed, I just have to accept that my Mum won't always be the perfect Mum.

Went to see the doctor a few days ago, and I explained that I'm suffering from extreme anxiety at the moment and have had OCD in the past. He referred me to see a psychologist. Now it's up to me to make an appointment, which I plan to do next month. When I'm there, I will address my eating disorder when I'm there.

Summerfit321

:flowerforyou:

its difficult. i also feel that a support group would offer benefit for you.

it took me 40 years to discover that the only person who need accept me is me. i approve of me. it takes time and work. dont give up. you are worth it.

:flowerforyou:

Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, I think a support group is what I need, and indeed, I do not accept myself... Time to stop focusing on all my shortcomings...

Summerfit321

Sounds like counseling for eating disorder and/or attending Overeater's Anonymous might be in order. I was an emotional eater for a long time, and sought approval/acceptance from family, where it was NEVER going to happen. I was never good enough, no matter what I did. Having other people who just GOT IT has been a huge help.

Yeah, I kind of know that she'll never get it. I talk about it again and again. Each time I have eaten too much, she asks me why, and as I try to explain, she doesn't get it. Yet I try again and again. Time to stop trying and accept it, let it go.

VaxSA

I struggled for years with this, and my husband is still dealing with his.

It will take time, but my advice is to forgive yourself. It's okay to love you even though youve eaten more than you should. It's alright to have those weaknesses, we all have them, they are simply different from person to person. That you keep trying to overcome that weakness shows how strong you are. Noone's life is the same as the person you stand next to. Perception is everything.

Youre okay. Love you. I already love you, for being so honest - it's rare these days. Friend me =D

Summerfit321

I struggled for years with this, and my husband is still dealing with his.

It will take time, but my advice is to forgive yourself. It's okay to love you even though youve eaten more than you should. It's alright to have those weaknesses, we all have them, they are simply different from person to person. That you keep trying to overcome that weakness shows how strong you are. Noone's life is the same as the person you stand next to. Perception is everything.

Youre okay. Love you. I already love you, for being so honest - it's rare these days. Friend me =D

Thank you so much for the supportive words =-)

Jaywalker_7

I think it's natural for us to want our loved ones to just KNOW what we need from them. If you say kind things about your mom, like how you know she loves you dearly, that leads me to believe that she's unaware that you aren't feeling her support. Next time it comes up, or if you feel confident to start the conversation, say something like "Mom, you say that you had many struggles in life but never binged. How did you cope with stress, hard times..?" Even if her answer is not something that you can 100% relate to, it may help with understanding how she feels and sees things. Maybe just having her show a little vulnerability would be reassuring to you as well. Also, if you can nicely tell her what you need from her, I'm sure she would do her best to show support. It's hard to tell someone EXACTLY what you need from them. But you may get a positive reaction and more of the kind of support you need, versus the kind of support she knows how to give.

Summerfit321

I think it's natural for us to want our loved ones to just KNOW what we need from them. If you say kind things about your mom, like how you know she loves you dearly, that leads me to believe that she's unaware that you aren't feeling her support. Next time it comes up, or if you feel confident to start the conversation, say something like "Mom, you say that you had many struggles in life but never binged. How did you cope with stress, hard times..?" Even if her answer is not something that you can 100% relate to, it may help with understanding how she feels and sees things. Maybe just having her show a little vulnerability would be reassuring to you as well. Also, if you can nicely tell her what you need from her, I'm sure she would do her best to show support. It's hard to tell someone EXACTLY what you need from them. But you may get a positive reaction and more of the kind of support you need, versus the kind of support she knows how to give.

Thanks for the advice. I have tried this technique, but usually she gets annoyed and asks me "Why can't you just let it go?". She explained that everyone has problems, but that some people can't handle those problems as well as others, and said that she is no psychologist. Usually, it ends up getting hostile, and we get nowhere; for some reason my eating/ weight is something she always wants to brush off and never acknowledge.
Also, my Mum never had any kind of bullying/ exclusion issues: she refers to problems adults have, like finances, marriage, etc... so it's not 100 % the same. For years I had problems, but it wasn't until I first lost weight that I started using food as a means of self medication.
I even told her today that I'm at my heaviest weight in ten years, and she said "Just eat less." which is true, but for some of us, it isn't that simple.