Fresh as a newborn's bottom

WhimsicalChimera

Hi! My name is Jessica and this is my 4,567,842nd attempt at restarting my journey on MFP.

I originally joined in February 2011 and lost 90lbs in my first 14 months. Then life happened, and I wasn't emotionally or mentally ready to face life without eating my emotions. I got divorced, ended up in two abusive relationships after that, went back to my ex, shipped my elderly and disabled parent off to the other end of the state to start a new life (her choice - she got married), and had to drop and run every time she got sick. All this on top of working a full-time job and trying to earn my associate's degree.

Momma died six months ago and I graduated two months after that. Her last coherent statement to me was, "Never give up." At the time, I thought she was referring to school... but now? I believe she was talking about life in general. Let's face it.. losing a parent is hard. But when you're super-duper-eerily close to that parent as I was, a piece of you dies with them. I've been in a dark place for half a year now.. the fire's gone out and she's been sending me tiny signals to try to push me in the right direction. I believe she knew exactly how hard it was going to be for me to fight my way back to the light. It flickers now and then, but it sputters out.

I have to stop letting it sputter. My last words to my mom were, "Hey, we got this. You raised us right. We've got strong heads on our shoulders, and we're going to be just fine. We'll be lost for a little while, but we'll always find our way home." Guess you could say I found the path -- now I need help staying on it.

I have so many dreams and goals... and maybe I'm trying to take on too much at one time. I don't know. What I DO know is that I can't let my weight get any higher. It's literally killing me and I know it. I remember what it felt like at 20lbs, 50 lbs, and 90lbs lighter. The problem is, every time I logged into MyFitnessPal, it was my OLD recipes, my OLD food diary, my OLD pictures. I'm not that person anymore, and I know it. So I deleted that account and I am starting fresh. Absolutely, positively fresh.

Just like a newborn's bottom.