I really do need help with something...strange.

nykismile

This is a really peculiar problem, but I'm finally ready to break free of it, as it's been plaguing me for months now.

My diary's private for a reason. I'm embarrassed about it. I never reach the appropriate macro counts. It's always very high carb, very low protein and fat. I rarely eat grains; a half cup of rice, and not every day, is about my usual intake. All of these carbs are coming from fruit.

I get enough calories every day because I binge on fruit. For about three months, I would binge on watermelon just about every day. About 5.5 lbs of watermelon usually. The reason I'm asking for help is because I ate 9 lbs of watermelon today.

I recovered from an eating disorder only to develop a binge eating one. And I'm not gaining weight from it. Actually, I dropped down 5 more lbs and got to 110 lbs eating this way. 9 lbs of watermelon is 1,297 calories, and I didn't eat much else. But I feel sick now, as one can expect. I don't care if it's working to lose weight. It's unnatural and it has to stop.

I just want to feel satisfied with smaller meals. I'm seeing someone lately and all I can think is, "Imagine if he saw you eating like this." I never eat in front of people. I'm vegan, and I used to go to vegan restaurants before all this, but now I don't ever stray from my usual regime of stuffing my face with fruit. It's just weird and creepy to keep doing this.

I don't know how to stop. How can I start being satisfied with small meals? If anyone has any input, please. I just want to eat like a normal person.

MKEgal

:flowerforyou: It took a lot of courage to ask for help. Good for you.

I'm certainly no expert on eating disorders,
but I think the first and most obvious step would be to cut down on how much fruit you buy.
If it's not in the house, you can't eat it.
Telling myself "no" at the grocery store is much easier than having a favorite (usu. unhealthy) food here at home & trying to only have 1 serving. (Pringles, I'm looking at you.) :grumble:

Instead of a whole watermelon, go to the salad bar or deli & get a 1-lb container of precut melon (or whatever other fruit).
That's still a lot, but not as bad as what you're saying you do.
Buy 1 or 2 peaches, bananas, pears... just a couple (of each), once a week. You can't go buy more for another week.

To be satisfied with smaller amounts of food, you need to include protein & fat at every meal.
For increasing protein & fat without having to physically eat a lot, have nuts.
Almonds & walnuts are good to snack on or put on a salad, peanut butter can make celery palatable. :laugh:
Have a taco salad made with flavored black beans & add an avocado, cheese, sour cream.
For breakfast, a couple eggs with salsa, cheese, diced veggies. Or a piece of toast with peanut butter or cream cheese.

Fiber will help you feel full longer too. Switch to whole grains, including brown rice, whole wheat pasta, etc.
Beans are very good in this regard.

This calculator will tell you not only your BMI, but how many servings of various foods to eat to maintain that weight.
If you enter your healthy goal weight, this will help you plan your food intake.
https://www.bcm.edu/research/centers/childrens-nutrition-research-center/healthyeatingcalculator/eatingCal.html

Not sure of your healthy goal weight? You want to be in the green range here:
http://www.shapeup.org/bmi/bmi6.pdf

RockstarWilson

I think, by you describing your macros, that you need to eat more regular. The problem isn't in the portion size, as much as it is the protein you are getting. That is why you are losing weight while binging; protein alone maintains muscle mass, and if you don't eat it, you will lose lean muscle mass. I don't know your stats, so I don't know if you are petit or are underweight, but talk to some vegans about what you can do to eat more regular. If the carbohydrates are not being used by the body, they get stored as glycogen for reserves (for, say, when you exercise before breakfast), or they get stored as fat. You are essentially losing weight the absolute wrong way.

It is a problem, but not one that I can give detailed advice on. Just eat more protein. Peas have great protein content for a vegetable. I am a meat eater, so I don't really know what else does that doesn't come from an animal. Soymilk? I wish the best to you. And do not be embarrassed about your diary. You aren't here to impress anyone. If you don't know them in person, then they essentially aren't real in your life, so if the friends you have don't help you, then just unfriend them. Easy as that.

redheaddee

Please discuss this with a psychologist and a nutritionist. And good on you for asking for help.

northbanu

Speak to the professional that helped you with your eating disorder. Have him or her recommend a dietician and follow the advice.

Seriously, this is important. You need help with this.

RockstarWilson

Oh, and as a tip.....I would tell the beau you are seeing. Be up front with him, because if you act weird around him, he is going to wonder why, and the unknown is always a turnoff to a guy. If you be honest with him and say that you have a weird eating disorder (that is 100% fixable), then he will either try to understand the problem and help you find the solution, or he will leave. If he leaves, then he was pretty shallow to begin with, in which case it wouldn't have gone anywhere.

I know you are young, and what people think means a lot (it isn't just you, it is ALL 20 year olds). But if you can manage to overcome worrying about what people think, you will succeed in all that you try to do. If you cannot, and you let this get out of hand, then you could die (I am not trying to scare you, but this is how serious it is). By what you described, you have a protein deficiency. Research that and know what can happen if you do not take care of this.

Lesa_Sass

Please eat, eat all you want, eat more and have as much fruit as you want. Also, please stop losing weight. You are in the middle of a sickness that you may need professional help for.

I am 46 years old and still suffer from body dismorphia. It is a terrible thing to have and it is sad to be able to see it in someone else.

socalkay

Good for you for recognizing this isn't healthy or normal eating and coming clean about it here. As the others have said, you need to seek out professional counseling from someone who is familiar with eating disorders and sooner rather than later.

Maybe open up your diary and banish the secret for good. There's no reason to feel ashamed. We're here because we all need to get our relationship with food under control.

RockstarWilson

Here is a helpful article on what you should be eating on a vegan/vegetarian diet:

http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/foodnut/09324.html

It is very detailed and has listed sources. It might encourage you to make a change.

*edited to add that protein sources usually fill you up, so when you eat the protein, you won't have room to eat the fruit. The stomach will send a signal to the brain that says "I am full" and you physiologically wont (or shouldn't) have the desire to eat. Carbs from fruit are processed really, really fast in comparison to protein, because over 90% of fruit is actually just water. You would be killing two birds with one stone: keeping your body from eating your muscles (literally), and keeping yourself full.

Have a great weekend!

DanaLash

Oh, honey. Good for you for stepping out. You are one brave girl. First of all, get in touch with whoever you feel comfortable with talking to about this. Seek help. You can fix this. The fact that you're talking openly about this means that you're ready to get on the right track. You're basically half way there. I look forward to hearing from you again. You're a beautiful and smart girl. I'm sure your dude will get it and see that you're worth sticking around for.

Graelwyn75

The binge eating is most likely a reaction to a previous restrictive eating disorder.
I still battle the same issue myself sometimes, decades on.

You need to work on balance. You know, realistically, that you cannot keep your health while eating this way.
Losing your muscles through lack of protein will do you no favours in the longterm, and will eventually compromise your metabolism, which is something you do not want as you get older.
Try and swap out some of that fruit for nuts, tofu, seitan, beans, lentils, potatoes, rice...make yourself a challenge of getting the best nutrition you can on a vegan diet, of attaining more balance. If you fruit binge sometimes, so be it, far worse things to binge on, but please, ensure you are getting protein and fat as well or you will totally mess up your hormones and potentially leave yourself infertile.

If you cannot work through this alone, then do seek some help with it, maybe a meal plan would be useful to give you some structure.

uconnwinsnc1

You need protein.

nykismile

Thank you to everyone who responded - it means more than I can say. I don't feel very brave right now, but I'm trying to trust the fact that things will be changing.

It's hard. There's the saying, "Don't fix what isn't broken" and I would tell myself this during the last few months when I saw the scale continue to drop downward. But I finally sat down and assessed what I do daily and it's not right, it's just not right at all.

I noticed in the last two weeks that the watermelon quantity would no longer satisfy me. Even after eating as much as I did today, I was stuffed to the brim of course, but I was unsatisfied. I noticed that eating high-protein stir-fries or meals with higher amounts of fat do help somewhat, but by the time I realize that, I've eaten my limit of calories for the day due to fruit.

For now, I'm just gonna take it one day at a time. Tomorrow I'm gonna try and abstain from watermelon, and instead eat an actual meal with one piece of a different fruit. Hopefully within a reasonable time period, my body will start being satisfied with less quantity (but the same amount of calories).

Again, thank you all so very much.

RockstarWilson

That is a good plan. Conveniently, it is a problem that you can change tomorrow. If you still feel yourself losing control with fruits, then do as everyone with an addiction does: eliminate it from the equation. I can sit down an eat half a tub of ice cream like it is nothing, and often times, I cannot control it. So what do I do? I don't buy it. If I don't buy it, I cant submit to it, and when I have a fit where I crave it, that craving will subside by the time I make the effort to go to the grocery store.

Take it one step at a time. tomorrow, try to incorporate 10% more protein into your macros (that pie chart on the mobile app will tell you exactly what you are eating). Do that for three days, and then increase it another 5%, and so on. fat can be negligible, as you probably have some stored in your body, but protein is the key factor here. Beans are a good go-to, as they have both protein and fat. I personally like the black beans. It makes everything look poisonous, but it makes some things (like potatoes) taste soo good!

dont focus on calorie count as much as percentages. Since you lost muscle mass, you should actually put back on what you have lost during this binging on fruits, and then re-lose the weight the right way, if you feel the need. But I can tell you right now...ain't noone gonna call you fat.

Cranquistador

From what I have seen from you on the forums I honestly believe that in would be in your best interest to see a professional.


I wish you well.

Cryptonomnomicon

From what I have seen from you on the forums I honestly believe that in would be in your best interest to see a professional.


I wish you well.

Agreed!

It is good you are asking for help and you will receive some useful advice on here but it is no substitute for professional help but you asking for help and recognizing you have a problem is a definite step in the right direction. I will post some helpful links below.

Protein sources as they are good for satiety and good health and it sounds like you are neglecting your protien intake...

http://www.savvyvegetarian.com/articles/plant-food-protein-chart.pdf

Finding help with your ED...

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

ETA: *There are 4 macronutrients. A high level explanation of each of their functions is:

Protein, which is required for muscle retention/growth
Fat, which is required for healthy body functions
Carbs, which provide energy
Alcohol, which provides for embarrassing photos

I am vegan myself and you really have to get a handle on getting the required amount and balance of marco/micro nutrients or you will suffer both physically and mentally.

*http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/819055-setting-your-calorie-and-macro-targets

arewethereyet

Thank you to everyone who responded - it means more than I can say. I don't feel very brave right now, but I'm trying to trust the fact that things will be changing.

It's hard. There's the saying, "Don't fix what isn't broken" and I would tell myself this during the last few months when I saw the scale continue to drop downward. But I finally sat down and assessed what I do daily and it's not right, it's just not right at all.

I noticed in the last two weeks that the watermelon quantity would no longer satisfy me. Even after eating as much as I did today, I was stuffed to the brim of course, but I was unsatisfied. I noticed that eating high-protein stir-fries or meals with higher amounts of fat do help somewhat, but by the time I realize that, I've eaten my limit of calories for the day due to fruit.

For now, I'm just gonna take it one day at a time. Tomorrow I'm gonna try and abstain from watermelon, and instead eat an actual meal with one piece of a different fruit. Hopefully within a reasonable time period, my body will start being satisfied with less quantity (but the same amount of calories).

Again, thank you all so very much.

What you accept will become acceptable.

Even if you eat your calories for the day, when you recognize this behavior, eat some protein. Just go get some peanut butter or have some protein readily available at hand (I am not a vegan so have no real idea what foods have protein other than meat)

For me, I have the right foods pre-cooked. If I want the one thing I shouldn't eat (for psych reasons) I HAVE to eat my protein food first. Usually I don't even want the other by then.

I would def. speak to the doctor who helped you thru your previous issue.........well they never go away. I think if we have a certain personality, it can manifest itself with over/under eating, over drinking, seeking some sort of outlet.

Good luck and good on you for reaching out! :flowerforyou:

nykismile

I am currently seeing a professional for anxiety. I've tried communicating to them about eating issues but he finds my symptoms to be "mild" and not a serious threat to my health as of now.

Today I weighed in and even after eating 9 lbs of fruit, I weighed in at 108.5. See, this is why it has been going on for months. Because it's working. But it's not worth the physical pain anymore of stuffing myself.

I'm afraid I'll start to eat smaller portions and even though they're smaller, they still contain more calories than fruit and I'll end up gaining weight.

stevenlcopeland

You need protein. I'm not bashing here but I have never understood the vegan/vegetarian concept. I know some people that are vegan and all of them are sick all the time and can't figure out why. Also the concept of tofu....a person almost needs a college degree on how to prepare it to make it fit to eat. I wish you luck, and professional help would be a great first step.

independant2406

I'd recommend making an appointment with a nutritionist in your area. They can give you a structured plan to follow. Sounds like you have the desire to make sure your eating the right things and know what is needed but are struggling to find that healthy balance. Meeting with a nutritionist and explaining your goals and your past struggles will help them help you. I bet you'll feel so much better if you have a structured plan to follow and wont have so much worry trying to figure it all out on your own When you find that right balance I know you'll feel better!

Anxiety is an awful thing to suffer through! I'm so sorry. Sending a big hug your way! Finding a balance and peace with food will undoubtedly help your anxiety. If your current doc isn't supportive or understanding how meal times are contributing to your anxiety definitely bring it up again and let him know just how much its bothering you. If he still isn't listening after the additional visit set an appointment and find a new doc who can give you the support and understanding you need.

Balance is a hard thing to find but with the right people supporting you, and a strong belief in yourself, you can do it. We all believe in you too!

RockstarWilson

I am currently seeing a professional for anxiety. I've tried communicating to them about eating issues but he finds my symptoms to be "mild" and not a serious threat to my health as of now.

Today I weighed in and even after eating 9 lbs of fruit, I weighed in at 108.5. See, this is why it has been going on for months. Because it's working. But it's not worth the physical pain anymore of stuffing myself.

I'm afraid I'll start to eat smaller portions and even though they're smaller, they still contain more calories than fruit and I'll end up gaining weight.

Gaining weight is what you need to do at this point, because what you are losing is muscle mass, not fat. I don't know your height, but research what your ideal weight should be, based on age and height. If you are less than 20% of that weight, you are underweight, and it is a good idea to not be on the bottom of that healthy range. You have to face the facts. If your concern is that you will gain weight, and that causes you to not help yourself, nothing we tell you on the mfp forums will help. That is a mental block, or disorder if you will, and you will either need to speak to someone, or enter a rehab program. If you do not overcome this, you are going to let your body waste away, and you will end up in the hospital. Please help yourself. What you think is "working" is actually not. Your muscles are degrading, and you are not losing fat.


Here is another article on protein in a vegan diet:
http://www.vrg.org/nutrition/protein.php

jc_0324

When you say "binge"... are you binging and purging?

Do you eat that much in one sitting?