Nearly 600lbs and I don't want to die..

Full_of_Hope

Hi All! My name is Marie, I'm 30, 5'3", and pretty damn close to 600lbs. I bought a 550lb capacity scale off of this website called livingxl.com and the last time I weighed myself was about 3 months ago. At the time I weighed in at 530lbs, but I KNOW I've gained weight since then. I can FEEL it. I've just been too scared to get back on for confirmation because I know I will cry. I feel so out of control. I'm currently a full time student, in the process of completing my externship 8-10 hours a day for medical billing and insurance coding. I don't collect disability, so the plan is to begin working full time once I complete my externs (which will be very soon).

I can't walk much, my legs and feet are very tightly swollen most of the time and due to the size of my lower stomach (belly apron) suffer from extreme lower back pain when standing for more than a few minutes at a time. I also injured my right knee a few months ago, which has yet to fully heal and has hindered my walking even further. I can't drive, because I don't fit behind the wheel of a car so to get around I have to use a disability bus service. I live with my grandmother, however she is very sick and according to her doctors doesn't have much time left which is a very heartbreaking thought for me. Though it is very painful for me, I still manage to do all the cooking and cleaning and changing of the cat liter that needs to be done in the house. I have to be there for her as she has been there for me, I only wish I could do more and am often frustrated that I am stuck within this body as it is my prison.

I have sleep apnea, mild high blood pressure, and suffer from anxiety and depression but so far have been lucky enough not to develop any other issues such as diabetes, heart issues, or high cholesterol which is common among most people whom are morbidly obese. I have state insurance, which covers basic medical visits but nothing else. I cannot afford nor do I qualify for weight loss surgery (I am too heavy). If I continue on the way that I am, I will die. I don't want to die. I need to help myself. I haven't even really started living yet. I've only been really loved once, I've never been married, I don't have children. I've never owned a home or car, I want to see Italy one day and fit comfortably in an airplane seat. I dream of this freedom. I dream of the freedom of being able to walk or run, or go out to a restaurant with friends without worrying about being judged or looked at or wondering if I'll fit in the seats, break a chair, or be in so much pain I can't enjoy myself. I am tired of feeling ashamed..I am tired of feeling like a monster.

I am missing out on so much, I have to try before it's too late. The road ahead of me is incredibly daunting, but I am forcing myself to only think of now..this moment. I need help, I need support, I need people to talk to whom can relate to me. I am willing to learn.

Thank you for reading my story.