What people DON'T say hurts as much as what they do say

AllBoysInMyHouse

I need to lose about 40 lbs. I have struggled to be thin my whole life and was successful until I had three kids and reached my 40s. Now I feel just hideous. My mom was a fat child. Before her generation discovered the dangers of smoking, they discovered that smoking was a great way to keep from eating and my mom got teeny tiny. She weighed what I weighed I high school when she was nine months pregnant with me! I know that isn't healthy and so does my mom. But my mom was so scarred from being a fat child that her weight has been an obsession ever since. My lowest day came last week when I saw my mom for the first time in almost a year and her SILENCE when it came to saying anything resembling a compliment regarding my appearance was as deafening as a blow horn. She would never want to hurt my feelings. She has always been very generous with compliments. The absolute only statement she made in five days of visiting was, "Your earrings match your blouse perfectly!" She was trying so hard to avoid commenting on my appearance that it made her complete lack of any acknowledgement of any kind about any aspect of appearance (hair, outfit) at all just blatantly obvious. I should have lost at least a pound from all the tears I cried when nobody was around. I know it is not supposed to matter what others think. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

dbmata

What people "don't say"?

Don't you think that's a little too angsty and a little too up in your head for your own health? Here's a tip, and this came from a couple years of being a little focused on others. Who cares what they say, focus on yourself and what you're doing.

Good luck.

VelveteenArabian

You're self admitting that you're not looking your best - do you want people to just tell you what you want to hear? Or would you rather them be honest?

Really... stop relying so much on compliments. If you don't feel good and feel you need to lose weight, then work on it, but do it for yourself and not for a round of applause.

365andstillalive

I honestly think you're reading way too much into this, hun.

Maybe when you felt better about your appearance, you thought you received more compliments from her. The more confidence you have, the more attractive others will see you and the more comments they'll make about how you carry yourself. It likely had far less to do with any number on the scale than it did with how you were acting/portraying yourself.

Remember that you have the power to change how you see yourself, but not the power to change how others do. There is far more to life than just being thin.

Wouldn't you rather be compassionate, brave, caring, intelligent, dedicated, confident, loving, or passionate? I'd rather be any of those things than thin.

MrsMizart

I see the others' pov, and I understand yours m'duck.

They've said what needed saying from that angle, so I'll focus on the parent thing.

The vast majority of people want and need approbation from our parents. They, on the whole, played such a large part in moulding us and are the people we turned to from birth to know we were doing it right.

It hurts like billyo when we don't get it.

But. And here's the big But! We have to move on from that parent - child relationship. We have to develop our own barometer of self worth. You know you looked nice, but you're overweight. You know that your Mum has an issue with weight, therefore cannot see past it. From her pov she was probably doing her thing by not commenting on the weight.

Take a deep breath lass. Look at your goals that you've set out because you want them, hold your head up high and crack on. We'll be here for you.


Edited: because I'm typing left anded on a tablet and it's proving tricksy!