Motivation

Senecapropst

I joined my college rowing team last year as a coxswain. I was new to the sport and I was told I had to be a specific weight, mainly between 110-115 and I was around 123-125. I had to lose the weight fast but I didn't have much fat on me to begin with, I'm naturally very muscular. I put myself on many restrictive diets and I wouldn't allow myself to eat anything I considered bad. I did this for months, constantly yo-yo dieting and nothing was working. It depressed me majorly and I started to hate who I was even though I looked fine in the mirror. I developed an idea that I was not okay with the weight I was even though I'm not fat, it was the number on the scale I was worried about. I'm only 19, I shouldn't have this self hate that I did. This current year, I quit rowing because of the toll it took on my emotions. I didn't want to become depressed anymore but I still struggle everyday with the food I put in my mouth. I still have the mindset that if I eat something unhealthy then I will gain weight. I've tried everything to help myself realize that it's okay to eat normal foods. I want to become a normal eater again like i was in high school, where I wasn't constantly focused on food. I enjoy eating healthy but I don't want to feel like my life is a constant diet, so when I see junk food I can't stop at just one piece or one cookie. I used to be satisfied with just one cookie but since I cut myself off from all that stuff for months, after I stopped junk is all I want to eat. Please help me and share advice on how to control this and help me find the motivation to keep eating healthy but sill be okay to have some ice cream every once in a while. All I want is to be just a 19 year old girl who isn't focused on what she can and cannot eat. I want to be the normal eater/girl I was in high school or before rowing. I don't want to feel guilty anymore!!