Why Does It Have To Be So Hard???

downtome

When you read my post you may think this has nothing to do with food and dieting, but it does and that is because it's an emotional trama in which I have been depressed and has caused me to not be as focused as I should with my healthy eating and exercising! Some of you already know that my divorce was final about a month and a half ago. My ex is already with someone else, don't know for how long but it doesn't matter, it still stings like hell. I said I didn't care but the more I realize that it is a reality and it's really happening, the more depressed I become. We were married for almost 20 years and separated for almost the last four. We have 3 boys together. It's just hard to imagine him showing his affections to someone else like he used to do with me and spending time with this woman all the time. Tonight when he dropped off one of my sons, he was driving her car with her in it, he brought her to my house. I didn't know that but my son had told me. Then he told me that he has a picture of her by his bed. I'm just at a loss here, a part of me doesn't care but then a big part of me does. It's like a slap in the face! I imagine him being loving to this woman while he argues with me about money to support my kids. A big issue with him is that I am fat, now he is with a thin woman who is 11 years younger than me. I'm sure alot of you have been through a divorce and maybe had the same thing happen to them. How do you get over this feeling of depression and to not care. How long do I have to feel this way? I have been watching my diet and exercising for just over a month and I want to lose the weight for myself and my kids to be healthy and confident. I want to stick with this but the way I am feeling, it's so hard and a part of me just wants to pull the emotional eater and binge out. I'm worried that I will. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I'm so glad I have all you to support me in every way or else I would have blown it all by now. I just want to feel better and feel happy again. I know I said I didn't care before so why am I suddenly feeling hurt now? This is so hard and I don't want to feel this way. Please help. Thank you.

cmriverside

Oh, honey, so sorry you're going through this. I've been through the fire, too.

It most certainly will get better. You will always have feelings for the father of your children, but you will realize one day that it is over. You can't change his situation, and you can't go backwards. What's done is done. He has moved on, and so should you. I know that is easier said than done: but it is reality.

If it were me, I'd get busy being the best mom I could be. I would go out and make new friends, or spend time with old friends, but keep busy. Otherwise you will spend too much time thinking. You cannot change the past, but you can mold your future. Don't make yourself feel worse by poor eating. You know what to do, and you know exercise and healthy eating will make you feel better. Give yourself a fighting chance at recovery. The food will only make it worse. Food never solved a problem., and your kids need you to be the best you can be.

Good luck. ((hug))

cmriverside

Something I think of when I get overwhelmed:

Emotions are like waves on the shore. They come at random intervals, but they go back out again.



You can't control when things (emotions) will sneak up on you. You can control your actions. Distract, stay busy.

simplexserenity

Have you ever heard that the best revenge is getting even by getting sexy?

I don't want to sound like an all male hater, so I'll be careful..but it is OFTEN I am hearing about these disgusting men
leaving their wives who they have devoted 20+ years to for some skinny, young little twit..I'm 22 years old and even I know how wrong that is. This shouldn't drive you to eat..this should make you find some other incredible reason (like your three sons) to get moving, change the way you eat..and flip both your ex husband and his new( I'm sure won't last long) girlfriend off with your sexy, healthy new self!

Before you know it you'll be living your life for you again..and probably dating someone new yourself. Your ex husband WILL have his reflection moment of regret..but you'll already be gone . Don't give up, there is SO much more to live for.

It is important, also, to allow yourself to feel hurt because the situation IS messed up and you shouldn't cover up your feelings...but use them to motivate you. Remember how often it happens to women and find a support group who understands how you feel.

davis_re

I can't offer any easy answers. My relationship with my ex is a love - hate that is volatile at best. You have find something to keep yourself busy. After I walked away, I enrolled in school and got a masters degree, volunteered and just did not stop moving. You have ask yourself, Do I really want him back in my life? Because whatever issues or problems that you had as a couple, he is still going to take them into his new relationship. She will have to live with it not you. Being thin or younger does not make her a better than you.

Lose weight for you, enjoy your children,cry sometimes and pray for strength

mirenner

"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great."
-Tom Hanks playing 'Jimmy Dugan' in 'A League Of Their Own'

megan_mp

Oh honey, that ***** is temporary. She's a temporary fix for him to boost his self-esteem. The man he is now is NOT the man you married. People change and in your case, people change A LOT in 20 years. View this as your chance to live your life for YOU, not worried about what he's going to think/do/say and if you need to maintain an equilibrium in your home. If he had an issue with you being fat, well EFF HIM. I think that's his way of hiding behind his own emotions and esteem issues. You are WAY better than that - don't let something like him/her make you undo all the good work you've done here. This is your chance to shine for you and your kids - just do it for yourself, honey! You gave up 20 years of your life for him; don't give him one more second of it!

downtome

As always , you all seem to come to my aid when I need you the most. Thank you for your understanding and support in my time of need. Your all right, I need to move on and take care of me and my kids. I need to forget about what he is doing. I just wish I had some physical friends to hang out with. My parents and I as I got older moved so much I lost every friend I had and never made any new ones. It's hard when you get older to make friends like you could when you were younger. My sister is useless, we live one minute from each other but she is busy with her life to worry about mine and she is very selfish anyway. My mom trys to help me but it's not the same. So your all I have really. I just need to refocus and I like the part you wrote about getting even and getting sexy!!!! Going to do that for sure. Thank you so much. I appreciate the love more than you know even from total strangers at that. Your all caring and you keep me motivated.

Debtappe

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I've never been in your situation but I know it has to hurt. I think you are doing really well to understand your emotions and reach out for support. Sometimes our journey back to health and happiness is a two steps forward, one step backward kind of thing and sometimes it feels like you will never reach the other side. YOU WILL. Concentrate on loving yourself; and celebrate the things that are great about yourself and your life. Make your health a priority. Focus on eating right and exercising - not to lose weight - but to feel better. Losing weight is just the bonus.

jojoworks

Good Morning,
It is good that you are looking for help and support. We are here for you, no doubt, I would still encourage you to speak with a therapist. A few years ago I started crying during my annual physical to a question my doctor asked me....something simple like "how's your life?". Man, she gave me a prescription (which ended up being AWFUL) but also gave me orders to see a therapist. The diagnosis for me was non-specific anxiety disorder. The therapist was great, she had me buy this anxiety disorder workbook that taught me tons about this disorder. Therapy itself doesn't give you relief or answers, but it helps bring you to finding them on your own.
I've been in the position of trying to cope with the sudden end of a relationship and I know how incredibly hurtful and devastating it is. How much of your self-esteem you'd been routing thru that connection and coping with the severance of it. I had to do a lot of visualization to help me thru the transition. CMriverside gave you a nice visualization of waves crashing onto and receding from a beach. That's a nice one. I used to go on walks and consciously open my hands, extending my fingers out in a motion meant to "let go". There's some nice yoga positions for opening up your chest and heart that can help you RELEASE as well.
Last but not least.....deep-relaxation CD's....they really can help.
OH, one more.....EXERCISE is one of the best things you can do to restore your emotional equilibrium for any malady!
good luck hun!!!
JoJo

asltiffm

I am so sorry you're going through this! My sister just got divorced after 17 years with three children as well. She's also having a hard time. I don't really know how to help her out of her funk either but I do feel for you!

I have never been divorced but I have been through some heavy trials in my life. The thing that has always helped me through was bicycling (or other forms of prolonged exercise). I would put all my anger, frustration and hoplessness into my biking. I would start out the ride in a bad mood but within 10-30 minutes, I would only be concentrating on moving my legs around again and again and looking at the scenery. It helped to clear my mind and relax my mind, body and spirit. I was always a lot calmer after getting home from a ride and in the process I actually lost quite a bit of weight and felt great about myself.

You will get past this! Just keep on trucking and doing the best you can for yourself and your boys and none of the rest will matter in time.

downtome

Thank you all again! Well said from each and everyone of you. I will refocus and get through it, I am strong andI feel better alreay thanks to you all. You guys are great, the best!

soze

Well I've been holding off commenting on the post, searching for an answer. I'm sorry to say I don't really have one. Not to say there isn't hope. There sure is. I've been through this and so too many of my friends, both women and men. They all survived. A little wiser, a little disheartened, and all stronger.

The one thing I thought after my divorce and when it was hurting so bad was when God said what God has joined let no man cut asunder, he wasn't kidding.

It is just so hard to move on. Your dreams and plans all gone. I suppose if I could point to some things that helped me through it was friends and family. Then something else, building new dreams, making new plans, doing things I couldn't do before. I could work out and eat things she never liked. I was free too. I could go out and come back when I wanted. I don't have to seek approval. She was always but always in a bad mood and always playing head games. After a while there was tranquility like I have not known in my life.

I'm not so sure I could ever love someone as much as I loved her. When I hear how her life is in turmoil it saddens me. Those were her choices though. She's not welcome back.

One of the absolute worse things I felt upon my divorce is I felt I was a failure to my kids. I couldn't take that. Then a couple of months ago my daughter called me. Apparently the kids had been talking about issues with mom. Stacey said, "If it is this bad for us, what was it like for dad.

Understanding seems to prevail in the end.

yellowfairy

Meeting people when you are older is hard-I can attest to that! I moved to a new state as an adult-and wow-everyone else already had their friends-add to that a divorce some years later-and alone. You can do this-and you will do this. I recommend getting an activity that is just for you though; something outside of the home. LIke a book club, an gym and joining the classes, getting a part time job just to meet people, something like that. Get out of the house-that was the best thing for me going through something like this. Also-cry when you need to-but don't over do it. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! YOu don't need someone who doesn't want you-so go find someone who does want you. Every day is a new chance to embark on a great journed-LIFE! Live it up girl!