It's been real, 2010. 2011, come to mama!
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grrl77
Posts: 108
It's end of quarter at my job, this week. Happens four times a year. End of quarter = food catered in for breakfast and lunch for a week, and as you can imagine, it's hell on someone trying to recover from throwing food into their face every chance they get.
So. I sit here and ate a couple pieces of pizza and a side salad and I'm mad. I'm mad because I don't have anyone else to blame. I can't blame the pizza. It didn't hold a gun to my head and ask me to eat it. I can't blame my childhood because I'm 33 years old. Oh, sure, I can say that food's always been my comfort and that's how I deal with all my problems - cupcakes are going to make it all better, maybe if I shove that danish in my face that'll magically pay a little more on my credit card bill! Sweet! Nope, it's all me. Right here, all 301.6 lbs of me. I know I've said it before, but I'm over it. I'm over the binges, over paying $49.95 for a pair of jeans, over worrying if someone's going to tag me in a photo on Facebook because I hate how I look in certain pictures, over letting MAYBE having to ask for a seatbelt extension on a plane and letting that anxiousness override the excitement of said trip that I should be totally jacked about. I'm over not feeling comfortable hanging out with friends who want to go do things like play volleyball, or insert any other physical thing here. I'm pissed that I watch youtube videos and think to myself, "Wow, I wanna do ballet again, I'd love to look/feel that strong," and have it just be something I 'wish for.' What the hell, do I think it's going to just fall into my lap? One day I'll wake up and be like "Oh snap, I guess I just lost half my *kitten* overnight, must've been the metric effton of pasta I just consumed!"
Over. It.
So I say we challenge ourselves. Enough of this wishful thinking BS. It gets us nowhere, except another day like today, at the same time, every year, where we're like "Oh wow, well next year it'll be different!" Screw that, THIS YEAR will be different, every day will be different, and it'll be hard. And it'll be challenging. But we're not getting any younger, no magic will happen unless we make it happen and that makes the reward all that much more sweet. I'd gotten down to 299.8 - under the 300 cusp after having been in the 300s for three years - then Christmas happened, and I'm at 301.8 as of this morning. Screw trying to get back to 299.8 before I track my weight - I'm going to update it now, and go from there. I'm tired of feeling like the beautiful confident intelligent woman that I am, broken down into a fat woman's body that comes with constant questioning one's self esteem. That's just not who I am, and I don't like feeling that way. Did you know I wouldn't even sign up for a class at a gym because - get this - what if i was the only fat chick in there? Haha. WE'RE ALL HERE FOR THE SAME REASON!
Sorry for the rant. I guess it just really strikes a chord with me. I need to break out of this crazy mentality that something's going to just magically happen, and bust my *kitten* to get to where I want to be. It won't happen overnight - didn't take me a year to gain 150 lbs. I don't expect it to all come off in a year. What I expect is for me to work my *kitten* off to get what I want, show some discipline, and take my anger, frustration, sadness, whatever out on the elliptical rather than myself.
Who's with me?
So. I sit here and ate a couple pieces of pizza and a side salad and I'm mad. I'm mad because I don't have anyone else to blame. I can't blame the pizza. It didn't hold a gun to my head and ask me to eat it. I can't blame my childhood because I'm 33 years old. Oh, sure, I can say that food's always been my comfort and that's how I deal with all my problems - cupcakes are going to make it all better, maybe if I shove that danish in my face that'll magically pay a little more on my credit card bill! Sweet! Nope, it's all me. Right here, all 301.6 lbs of me. I know I've said it before, but I'm over it. I'm over the binges, over paying $49.95 for a pair of jeans, over worrying if someone's going to tag me in a photo on Facebook because I hate how I look in certain pictures, over letting MAYBE having to ask for a seatbelt extension on a plane and letting that anxiousness override the excitement of said trip that I should be totally jacked about. I'm over not feeling comfortable hanging out with friends who want to go do things like play volleyball, or insert any other physical thing here. I'm pissed that I watch youtube videos and think to myself, "Wow, I wanna do ballet again, I'd love to look/feel that strong," and have it just be something I 'wish for.' What the hell, do I think it's going to just fall into my lap? One day I'll wake up and be like "Oh snap, I guess I just lost half my *kitten* overnight, must've been the metric effton of pasta I just consumed!"
Over. It.
So I say we challenge ourselves. Enough of this wishful thinking BS. It gets us nowhere, except another day like today, at the same time, every year, where we're like "Oh wow, well next year it'll be different!" Screw that, THIS YEAR will be different, every day will be different, and it'll be hard. And it'll be challenging. But we're not getting any younger, no magic will happen unless we make it happen and that makes the reward all that much more sweet. I'd gotten down to 299.8 - under the 300 cusp after having been in the 300s for three years - then Christmas happened, and I'm at 301.8 as of this morning. Screw trying to get back to 299.8 before I track my weight - I'm going to update it now, and go from there. I'm tired of feeling like the beautiful confident intelligent woman that I am, broken down into a fat woman's body that comes with constant questioning one's self esteem. That's just not who I am, and I don't like feeling that way. Did you know I wouldn't even sign up for a class at a gym because - get this - what if i was the only fat chick in there? Haha. WE'RE ALL HERE FOR THE SAME REASON!
Sorry for the rant. I guess it just really strikes a chord with me. I need to break out of this crazy mentality that something's going to just magically happen, and bust my *kitten* to get to where I want to be. It won't happen overnight - didn't take me a year to gain 150 lbs. I don't expect it to all come off in a year. What I expect is for me to work my *kitten* off to get what I want, show some discipline, and take my anger, frustration, sadness, whatever out on the elliptical rather than myself.
Who's with me?
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Replies
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I'm with you! I'm tired of having the feeling of- well, another month has passed, if I just would've stuck with it, I'd have lost ____ pounds by now and be that much thinner and healthier. So, of all times, I decided to really bust a move during Christmas vacation (2 weeks off as a teacher), and have exercised at least 45 minutes all but one day of the past 10 days. Have also eaten well except for Christmas and the day after, and am down 4 pounds. Let's JUST DO IT!!!!!0
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I'm with you and DAMNIT stop ranting and just do it...(hoping this helps). Also, unlike you I would blame the pizza! The darn stuff tastes so good, you can top it anyway you want, and what else goes so well for a party! Okay not sure how to help that other than the fact that you just have to keep telling yourself over and over NO. I am very bad about it sometimes and therefore my goal reaching will be in the land of far far away. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!
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I soooooooooo hear you on that one! Just Do It. Like NIKE.0
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Hear, hear!! I'm so with you... I came back to track this week instead of waiting for New Years. Need to update my weight, I know I'm up a couple from the holiday festivities and general laziness. But awareness has been good for me this week.
Onward and downward!0 -
A great post. I know that we all can do it. 2011 will be our year.0
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