grrr trigger food dark chocolate cream brownies

onmyown70

I had been feeling great, doing well, for me. Then husband brought fresh bread and brownies. I said I didn't want any, and I didn't. He insisted a little, so I thought as usual, "I'll have a little with everyone else" as soon as I had that one brownies I wanted more... then went into a bread frenzy.

I had done so well, just sticking to sweet potatoes, vegetables, chicken, greek yogurt, dark chocolate... sigh.

I had been trying to stop bingeing and my methods so far had worked, but today the brownies thing sent me into a frenzy..."just a little more won't hurt" I probably ate 3000 kcal's worth.

Just looking for encouragement to get back on the wagon..

Some foods, if they are not there I don't think about them, if they are.... I have no willpower.

Liftng4Lis

You're the only one that can say no. With only four pounds to lose, your deficit is more important.

onmyown70

Hi,

thank you so much for replying.

I haven't changed my target weight yet!

I am size 16 on the bottom and 10 on top so my weight also doesn't reflect my size as such. I look fine if you see me sitting in the car ;-)

I'm not so worried about that. I have issues with bingeing, but my biggest is that I'm finding I am so much happier not eating certain foods. One brownie, or two would be fine in my head, just when I eat them I feel like I want more instead of feeling satisfied.

JoeCWV

The next time he brings home brownies call me. I will insure they are promptly removed from your property.

JoeCWV

The next time he brings home brownies call me. I will insure they are promptly removed from your property.

MelodyandBarbells

Why insist on somebody else trying a treat? I offer people stuff all the time and if they say no, that's it. I don't understand the need for someone to eat the same thing you are

La5Vega5Girl

i have to admit, i clicked on this post because it said dark chocolate. LOL
it's ok to eat one.
but i am like you, if i eat one, i will promptly eat the entire tray.

onmyown70

Ha Joe - if you love brownies you would have loved these.

I get he was trying to be kind, but he wouldn't take no for an answer, and yesterday he kept saying, but i got them for you (and he got luxury ones) . I know he wasn't being unkind but he knows that they are off limits for me, unless there is one small portion...

My mother is the same, she bakes cakes and always says "one slice won't hurt"

They are both people who have one or two and feel satisfied, it's a "treat" and of course they were super deluxe, but it just sends me into a frenzy. I am a bit of a people pleaser, but i have explained so many times I have zero willpower- I can only eat foods like this in small portions whereby I don't have access to unlimited amounts. I have had the embarrassing conversation about my binge eating many times and I feel I have to bring it up again. i always think maybe they're right... but I frustrate myself as I don't get it, I don't get why I don't just have one... or three even and think "hmmm, what a treat", afterwards I crave MORE carbs, I was seeking bread, cereal... I am NOT anticarb... and I wish, as I have said many times before.. I was normal. I was like all the others that say go on have one.

I know therapy should be on the cards and I had one counselling session but today was nothing to do with an emotion, it was like my hedonistic switch is on. I have no willpower with these foods, I am find until I have some, as I said I can have very small amounts sometimes.

Sigh...

onmyown70

Actually I'm fine with dark chocolate - intact I eat loads of dark choc, it doesn't send me into that "zone" so to speak. i eat too much of it but ... I can't explain it I'm a broken record, but the 85% cocoa choc is a daily luxury for me... it doesn't make me go into a crazy fiend! :-)

Brandolin11

...I get he was trying to be kind...

....yesterday he kept saying, but i got them for you...

...I know he wasn't being unkind but he knows that they are off limits for me, unless there is one small portion...

...My mother is the same, she bakes cakes and always says "one slice won't hurt"...

Your husband and your mother (or parents) are the people who should know you the best, and want the best for you.

Therefore, knowing you are trying to abstain from these triggers foods right now and yet deliberately pushing you into eating these foods and/or giving you a guilt trip for not eating these foods....

...is NOT kind.

It is not loving.

It is not caring.

It is very important that you not deceive yourself into believing that pushing you or guilting you into doing something (ANYTHING) that you have deemed unhealthy for yourself equals "love". It's actually a violation of your boundaries which is not okay.

Particular foods and particular eating habits/traditions can have very strong meanings between couples and families. Many mothers show their children "love" by giving them a sweet treat. Many mothers comfort their children with food (usually sweets) when the child is upset. Many couples have strong memories or habits/traditions together associated with particular foods or eating habits (ex., ordering a large pizza and a 2 liter of Coke for Monday night football together on the couch, or ice cream before bed each night). Many families do too, such as eating specific kinds of pies and cookies around Christmas, or eating until you explode on Thanksgiving.

Some couples are both compulsive eaters. This could even be one of the subconscious reasons they were attracted to each other. They can be "partners in crime" when bingeing. They affirm each other in this by not judging one another. They associate the rush of good feelings they get when eating the foods, with love for one another.

So it makes sense that those around you, who used to eat with you in a particular way, would be thrown off balance by your new lifestyle and unwilling to accept it. They are subconsciously trying to bring you "back into the fold", if you will. They don't want to be alone. And sometimes, they don't want to have to face the mirror you've now put up in front of them (which is just a natural side effect of your good choices), because it makes them see that they may also have a problem with compulsive eating.

I think it's important to understand that these dynamics are going on behind the scenes. That way you can be compassionate towards them (it takes some getting used to!).

On the other hand, it is important that you sit down with them and kindly but firmly explain that their pushing you into eating these foods you have chosen to abstain from at this time is not helping you. In fact, let them know (gently) that it is putting you in a difficult position of temptation. Tell them that you need their help to succeed. Tell them that they are free to eat what they like, and that it is your responsibility to abstain even if they are eating something you love; however, you also need them to back off and not push you into eating them either.

When you crack all this stuff open and dialog with your loved ones, you can often diffuse a lot of the tension taking place between all of you. Keep in mind, not everyone will necessarily be on board with this. Not everyone will honor your boundaries. If your husband does not honor your boundaries, then might I suggest you take him with you to the therapist to talk about why he is not respecting your wishes, because that is a different problem altogether. If one of these people is your mother, then you may have to refrain for a time from going to her home for meals, or something like that. People have to be "trained" to honor your boundaries, but *you* have to train them.

It's understandable that you want to please the people you love and not offend them. Just remember that pleasing people does not necessarily equal love either. Oftentimes "pleasing people" means not rocking the boat because you're afraid, not speaking your mind because you don't want to cause a problem, or not taking care of yourself because that might make them angry. This is not healthy.

True love strives to bring out the best in the loved one. This means doing the right thing, the healthy thing, even if it's difficult. And the healthy thing in your case, is taking care of your mind and body. When you do this, you will be better able to TRULY love others, and not just "please them". :flowerforyou:

Brandolin11

....I frustrate myself as I don't get it, I don't get why I don't just have one... or three even and think "hmmm, what a treat", afterwards I crave MORE carbs, I was seeking bread, cereal... I am NOT anticarb... and I wish, as I have said many times before.. I was normal. I was like all the others that say go on have one.

....I have no willpower with these foods, I am find until I have some, as I said I can have very small amounts sometimes....

I'd love to recommend a book I like to read and re-read, called "Food Triggers" by Rhona Epstein. I was just reading a chapter again today...it is so good and speaks exactly to what you say above. Epstein is a licensed psychologist and certified addictions counselor who has learned to manage an eating disorder herself. She tells many stories of people struggling just like yourself, along with many success stories. The book explains the brain chemistry and emotional issues underneath the compulsive behavior. She also offers up several journalling-style exercises for you to do, to try to pinpoint where your issues come from and how to strategize to overcome them. I highly recommend it.

There CAN be freedom from compulsive eating. I am living proof of it as are many others. Going to therapy is GREAT, that's wonderful that you're going. Perhaps reading this book will help as well. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/1617951587/ref=tmm_other_meta_binding_used_olp_sr?ie=UTF8&condition=used&sr=&qid=

Kalikel

Sounds like your husband needs a kick in the *kitten*. You have to tell him to stop that.

Find a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. You sound very much like someone who could benefit from that. Even if you don't have an eating disorder, they can help you work through how to say No to food (and your husband.)

Saying No gets a hell of a lot easier after you've done it a few times, too. Once saying NO to brownies, candy, cakes, pies, et cetera becomes a habit, it's not so hard to pass on them.

Brandolin11

Saying No gets a hell of a lot easier after you've done it a few times, too. Once saying NO to brownies, candy, cakes, pies, et cetera becomes a habit, it's not so hard to pass on them.

This is technically true... and yet... for some people (such as myself), the journey between saying no once, saying no a few times, and saying no permanently can be a looooooooooong one. Mine took about 10 years.

For many people, it is just not as simple as "just saying no". It's a complex problem that may take years to untangle. The good news is that it CAN be untangled. So there is always hope.

onmyown70

Brandolin, What a supportive post, thank you so much again for you time and support.

I can't remember if you said, but do you avoid certain foods? If so, which ones have you had to cut out? did you go into the "non stop zone" too? Do you keep those foods in your house? how do you approach others who are eating them and want you to have some too?

I actually used to be very slim and realised that I couldn't have things like the dreaded brownies or cereals, no one could ever understand the cereal avoidance but they would treat me as a real spoil sport if I went to the mother and child groups and refused some. Interestingly, we had some friends come for dinner, the chap is a multi marathon runner, and a banker and seems very together. His wife said she loved cooking in her new age, I asked her how foods turn out? she said she loved making cakes but didn't make them any more. I asked why not, she said her husband doesn't eat them. Her husband then spoke saying "I never touch cakes or biscuits, I eat one and can't stop so I never have them, no point" so here was this gentleman, an extremely well educated, appears very "together" and very slim, and just announced that is what he does, he didn't apologise it was a case of accept it. I liked his approach. The cha has never been over weight, but had a dad who had heart problems, but interesting.

Thank you so much Brandolin... do you ever get cravings though? like when you feel upset, tired and just want "leave everything for a while"? BTW this wasn't the case of rme yesterday, I'm a mum, always tired but it was that first bite that sent me loco! I was always given food as a reward as a child, but then so were my siblings and they wouldn't overeat... I even remember my nan calling me a "greedy little girl" yet she would always offer me sweets fr being good, but even then "one" wasn't enough (yet my siblings had the same treatment and liked sweets stuff and my brother still calls cake a "treat" and says he needs some every day at 3pm but then that's it, he stops and feels happy.

Kalikel - I know I felt so awful, his little face looked hurt when I first said no. the next day he said " have you tried some yet?" I also felt bad as they were extra expensive ones and his language of love is gifts,a nd I felt bad for him as he misreads my bingeing for a love of food, when I ate those only a binger can understand it's not like a love I have for fine food and tastes, but it's just "I must have more" then he would say "but don't you feel sick" and I will say "that's not the point" I would eat until my stomach physically hurts and everything is gone. I then feel third and want more, of any of my "triggers". The problem I also have is I have dieticians and doctors in the family and they believe in the balanced approach, but that doesn't work for me!

I can sometimes get away with a protein bar, and I love them, however, I can get bingey on the sweeter ones.

I had such a low yesterday, and I thank you both for taking the time to provide such thoughtful replies! Brandolin and Kalikel do you find you think about food a lot during the day? What do you do to destress or how do you approach tiredness (when you have young kids around?!).



x

onmyown70

I also meant to add, if I just had steamed fish and vegetables I don't think I would ever binge, I would never overeat on these foods, even if they were smothered in olive oil or butter, however I never fancy this type of food either...a random note.

lemonsnowdrop

My mom and husband often offer me sweets even though they know I'm watching my weight. I don't think they're being unkind. It's healthy and perfectly okay to allow yourself a treat every now and then, and I don't know about you, but if I bought my husband something I thought he would enjoy and he refused to even try it, I would be a little heartbroken.

Also, you'd probably be less likely to binge if you stopped avoiding foods andet yourself enjoy a treat every now and then. I'd go insane if I never indulged again for the rest of my life.

Brandolin11

Brandolin, What a supportive post, thank you so much again for you time and support.

You are SO welcome! How I wish I'd known about MFP when I started pursuing answers to my compulsive eating (back in 2009)... there is such a tremendously helpful community here.

..do you avoid certain foods? If so, which ones have you had to cut out?

I do have some foods that I abstain from, yes. My foods will be different than yours, but mine tend to be in the "sugary treat" category, esp. baked goods like cookies, cakes, and pies. Ice cream, candy, and chocolate of any sort are also on the list, as well as white bread (esp. sourdough), and white pasta. For some reason, eating whole grain versions of bread or pasta seem to be fine for me, although I still limit them so as not to trigger the behavior. I refuse to experiment with sweets though. I have had enough sweets for three lifetimes and am done playing with fire now.

I abstain from these foods because I have the same issues as you do ... in that if I eat one, I will eventually eat ten. I tried "being moderate" for years and years and years with zero success. I tried restricting for years and years with zero success. Even with counseling and a 12-step program, moderation and restriction did not work for me with these particular foods.

Abstinence is different than restriction. Restriction says, "this food is "bad", I am "bad" for eating it", and life will be "bad" if I eat it. Restriction causes you to obsess even more over the food. Restriction makes you feel terrified and hopeless and lonely without your special foods. Restriction causes you to fail before you even begin.

Abstinence, on the other hand, says, "I admit I am not able to control myself with this food. I admit that I am abusing it in an attempt to cope with the strong emotions I have in response to situations that life throws my way. I admit that when I am lost in these foods and food behaviors I am not fully present in life. I am using the food to avoid dealing with reality. I need help. Just for today, I choose to refrain from eating these foods and practicing these obsessive and compulsive behaviors with food. Just for today, I choose to learn other healthy ways of coping with my emotions. Just for today I will be content and grateful eating other types of food that do not trigger me. If I feel the same tomorrow, then I will abstain tomorrow as well - until further notice. In the meantime, I choose not to dream and scheme and wish and hope and pine for my trigger foods. I will work hard to think of ways to help myself cope with life. I do this out of love and protection for myself, not out of punishment or fear."

I finally admitted my problem, grieved the "loss" of these foods and behaviors, came up with a food plan and strategy to abstain from them, and have not touched them since (almost three years now)...because I do not feel I've been given the "go-ahead" to do so as I go day-to-day. I'm just not willing to "go there" anymore. I now consider my health (mental and physical), my sanity, spirituality, and relationships more important than my trigger foods. Before, the foods were all that mattered. No more.

Do you keep those foods in your house?

No, I do not keep these foods in the house. But I have lived with people who did and I treated those things just as if they were sitting on a store shelf or at work. In other words, I acknowledge that they belong to someone else, they are not mine, and I ignore them.

how do you approach others who are eating them and want you to have some too?

The first year I abstained from these things, I had many people offering me these foods, because y'know...that's just what people do. Like your friend, I just simply smiled and said "thank you for offering but no thanks, I'm good!" If they probed further I calmly and kindly explained that I am abstaining from eating these foods at this time as I'm on a special food plan. Usually that did the trick. If they asked FURTHER, then I went into full explanation mode: "if I eat one of these, I will eat ten of them, but there is nothing wrong with that food for other people and I have no problem if other people enjoy them, but for me, that food is a problem so I choose to just eat other things now." I have pretty much everyone in my life "trained" to know this by now, so people have stopped asking altogether. My Mom even calls me before holidays to ask if "such and such" is alright with me and/or if I'd like an alternative. People have been extremely supportive.

In terms of speaking to your husband, I think it'd be helpful to sit down with him and say in the most loving tone you can, "honey, I love that you love to give me gifts. They mean so much to me, because you mean so much to me. I know that in the past I've been so happy receiving food-oriented gifts from you and I appreciate all you've given me. But I am now realizing I have a problem with particular foods, such as brownies, etc. I am realizing that I am harming myself with these foods. So I need your help in overcoming my problem with these foods. I need to ask you to please give me other types of gifts when you get in the mood to give them. I love [insert other things you love such as flowers, notes, cards, back rubs, etc.]... would you please help me succeed by giving me other things?"

Odds are strong that if you truly have a loving husband, he'll begin to realize you're serious, and help you out! And like I said before, if he pushes back on this, gets obstinate, angry, shames you, etc. then I'd drag his tuckus into counseling to see what's really going on there.... Sometimes you need a trusted third person to moderate in these cases.

do you ever get cravings though? like when you feel upset, tired and just want "leave everything for a while"?

Now we get into the nuts and bolts of this issue. Yes, I used to have constant cravings for sweets, etc. and yes I realize now that was in direct response to the strong desire to "leave everything for a while" when I had to face uncomfortable/painful aspects of life. The word is: Escape. I wanted to escape. Eating was my way of avoiding reality.

I am happy to report that after several years of hard work in this area, I no longer get food cravings to deal with my emotions. Just saying that out loud is incredible to me. I never, ever, EVER thought I'd be saying that. Not at 43 years of age!

I feel as though I could write a book on this topic (but it's been done by better people, lol). Unfortunately there is no "quick answer" to this question. This is where you must find your answers for yourself personally. I highly recommend continuing with your therapy, getting into an Overeaters Anonymous or other 12-step group, reading as many books as you can on the subject (such as the one I recommended), doing journaling exercises that may be outlined in the OA program and in books, praying, having moments of introspection, writing letters to people who hurt you and throwing them away, and any other mental exercises that might help free you.

It's an emotional problem (compulsion, obsession, and avoidance of pain), deeply embedded inside a physical problem (addiction to particular foods and food behaviors). Only you can untangle that with the help of others and your higher power. It is a journey that goes well beyond dieting.

*his little face looked hurt
*the next day he said " have you tried some yet?"
*they were extra expensive ones
*his language of love is gifts
*he misreads my bingeing for a love of food
*I have dieticians and doctors in the family and they believe in the balanced approach
*I'm a mum, always tired
*I was always given food as a reward as a child
*I even remember my nan calling me a "greedy little girl" yet she would always offer me sweets fr being good

This explains a lot about your current situation! Hon, you have quite a lot to contend with in trying to get free of cravings! A husband who loves to give foods as gifts, medical experts in your family who tell you that you should "just eat less", exhaustion from taking care of little ones in the house, and a history of family who both loved and shamed you through food. No wonder you get so "bamboozled" by your binges!

As you start to pursue your history with food, develop strategies for getting free of compulsive eating, and practice boundaries with your loved ones, you will find a slow but steady release from all of these stressful elements, because you'll be handling them properly, emotionally speaking. Things start to come into alignment. You're not hiding from life - past or present - anymore. You're facing it, and dealing with it. So much of the stress you experience now doesn't come from outside situations....the worst of your stress comes from your inner environment which is in conflict with itself. Right now you are both the shaming, nagging mother (or jailer?), and the victim child who wants to be free. They both fight for dominance...and no one wins. You stay trapped in an endless cycle of bingeing, restricting, pleasing others, and shaming yourself. You need FREEDOM. And you can have it. You must seek it.

Sorry that was so long but there is SO much to say! I hope this has been helpful. If you have any other questions I'm happy to oblige. Blessings!
:flowerforyou:

onmyown70

Wow! What a reply... I'm going to print it out and ... Digest. Thank you! X

Brandolin11

Wow! What a reply... I'm going to print it out and ... Digest. Thank you! X

Anytime!

onmyown70

Brandolin,

Thank you so much for your response. I feel very indulgent thinking about myself in so much detail but maybe if I do, and combat this, then maybe I can contribute to ealth info with others.

It's amazing that you now don't turn to food when down:stressed, amazing. I can't imagine ever being like that.

I spoke to the GP today, an issue I also have is I don't enjoying apart from food, food and running but the latter isn't suiting my knees and I feel running is a ticking time bomb....! I started to feel I was losing hope.

You have identified things I wouldn't have thought of as being contributory factors to the bingeing, although, with reflection, perhaps they are obviously affecting things! I have a very "matter of fact" thinking family and they would roll their eyes of they felt I was to analyse this too much, but (I was given a great upbringing btw) but I was definitely told off about food, a lot, yet also rewarded with it too. Oddly though, as mentioned before, I can't blame this as my siblings were given the same treatment yet they didn't binge like I did/do.

For the first time ever, I received abuse from people in the street about my weight. I am not a high bmi but it all goes on my lower half so just my butt (as you guys say in the us), the rest of my body stays small. I didn't mind about what the boys said so much, infact it felt like a wake up call. My family always says I'm beautiful :-) but I should know from my clothes not fitting, the bingeing is affecting me... In the moment it feels ok, nevermind.

The GP has prescribed antidepressants again, fluoxetine. I feel a complete failure bit hopefully it will help.

Working on getting better and perhaps a bit disheartened I can't undo all the psychological and physical affects of bingeing over night. X

SeptemberLondon

I would just like to add that I know exactly where your hubby is coming from. I have people like that in my life. Food is love and they show you they love you by feeding you.

I would say to my husband, "If I were an alcoholic, would you offer me a beer?" It's the same type of thing. You CHOOSE to abstain right now because you don't feel like you can moderate. There may come a time when you CAN moderate, but until then your family needs to realize that they are hurting you; or at the very least they are setting you up to hurt yourself.

I also want to add that Brandolin's input was really valuable to me as well! Good luck to you OP! Hang in there... :flowerforyou:

Valeriepei

Brandolin, What a supportive post, thank you so much again for you time and support.

You are SO welcome! How I wish I'd known about MFP when I started pursuing answers to my compulsive eating (back in 2009)... there is such a tremendously helpful community here.

..do you avoid certain foods? If so, which ones have you had to cut out?

I do have some foods that I abstain from, yes. My foods will be different than yours, but mine tend to be in the "sugary treat" category, esp. baked goods like cookies, cakes, and pies. Ice cream, candy, and chocolate of any sort are also on the list, as well as white bread (esp. sourdough), and white pasta. For some reason, eating whole grain versions of bread or pasta seem to be fine for me, although I still limit them so as not to trigger the behavior. I refuse to experiment with sweets though. I have had enough sweets for three lifetimes and am done playing with fire now.

I abstain from these foods because I have the same issues as you do ... in that if I eat one, I will eventually eat ten. I tried "being moderate" for years and years and years with zero success. I tried restricting for years and years with zero success. Even with counseling and a 12-step program, moderation and restriction did not work for me with these particular foods.

Abstinence is different than restriction. Restriction says, "this food is "bad", I am "bad" for eating it", and life will be "bad" if I eat it. Restriction causes you to obsess even more over the food. Restriction makes you feel terrified and hopeless and lonely without your special foods. Restriction causes you to fail before you even begin.

Abstinence, on the other hand, says, "I admit I am not able to control myself with this food. I admit that I am abusing it in an attempt to cope with the strong emotions I have in response to situations that life throws my way. I admit that when I am lost in these foods and food behaviors I am not fully present in life. I am using the food to avoid dealing with reality. I need help. Just for today, I choose to refrain from eating these foods and practicing these obsessive and compulsive behaviors with food. Just for today, I choose to learn other healthy ways of coping with my emotions. Just for today I will be content and grateful eating other types of food that do not trigger me. If I feel the same tomorrow, then I will abstain tomorrow as well - until further notice. In the meantime, I choose not to dream and scheme and wish and hope and pine for my trigger foods. I will work hard to think of ways to help myself cope with life. I do this out of love and protection for myself, not out of punishment or fear."

I finally admitted my problem, grieved the "loss" of these foods and behaviors, came up with a food plan and strategy to abstain from them, and have not touched them since (almost three years now)...because I do not feel I've been given the "go-ahead" to do so as I go day-to-day. I'm just not willing to "go there" anymore. I now consider my health (mental and physical), my sanity, spirituality, and relationships more important than my trigger foods. Before, the foods were all that mattered. No more.

Do you keep those foods in your house?

No, I do not keep these foods in the house. But I have lived with people who did and I treated those things just as if they were sitting on a store shelf or at work. In other words, I acknowledge that they belong to someone else, they are not mine, and I ignore them.

how do you approach others who are eating them and want you to have some too?

The first year I abstained from these things, I had many people offering me these foods, because y'know...that's just what people do. Like your friend, I just simply smiled and said "thank you for offering but no thanks, I'm good!" If they probed further I calmly and kindly explained that I am abstaining from eating these foods at this time as I'm on a special food plan. Usually that did the trick. If they asked FURTHER, then I went into full explanation mode: "if I eat one of these, I will eat ten of them, but there is nothing wrong with that food for other people and I have no problem if other people enjoy them, but for me, that food is a problem so I choose to just eat other things now." I have pretty much everyone in my life "trained" to know this by now, so people have stopped asking altogether. My Mom even calls me before holidays to ask if "such and such" is alright with me and/or if I'd like an alternative. People have been extremely supportive.

In terms of speaking to your husband, I think it'd be helpful to sit down with him and say in the most loving tone you can, "honey, I love that you love to give me gifts. They mean so much to me, because you mean so much to me. I know that in the past I've been so happy receiving food-oriented gifts from you and I appreciate all you've given me. But I am now realizing I have a problem with particular foods, such as brownies, etc. I am realizing that I am harming myself with these foods. So I need your help in overcoming my problem with these foods. I need to ask you to please give me other types of gifts when you get in the mood to give them. I love [insert other things you love such as flowers, notes, cards, back rubs, etc.]... would you please help me succeed by giving me other things?"

Odds are strong that if you truly have a loving husband, he'll begin to realize you're serious, and help you out! And like I said before, if he pushes back on this, gets obstinate, angry, shames you, etc. then I'd drag his tuckus into counseling to see what's really going on there.... Sometimes you need a trusted third person to moderate in these cases.

do you ever get cravings though? like when you feel upset, tired and just want "leave everything for a while"?

Now we get into the nuts and bolts of this issue. Yes, I used to have constant cravings for sweets, etc. and yes I realize now that was in direct response to the strong desire to "leave everything for a while" when I had to face uncomfortable/painful aspects of life. The word is: Escape. I wanted to escape. Eating was my way of avoiding reality.

I am happy to report that after several years of hard work in this area, I no longer get food cravings to deal with my emotions. Just saying that out loud is incredible to me. I never, ever, EVER thought I'd be saying that. Not at 43 years of age!

I feel as though I could write a book on this topic (but it's been done by better people, lol). Unfortunately there is no "quick answer" to this question. This is where you must find your answers for yourself personally. I highly recommend continuing with your therapy, getting into an Overeaters Anonymous or other 12-step group, reading as many books as you can on the subject (such as the one I recommended), doing journaling exercises that may be outlined in the OA program and in books, praying, having moments of introspection, writing letters to people who hurt you and throwing them away, and any other mental exercises that might help free you.

It's an emotional problem (compulsion, obsession, and avoidance of pain), deeply embedded inside a physical problem (addiction to particular foods and food behaviors). Only you can untangle that with the help of others and your higher power. It is a journey that goes well beyond dieting.

*his little face looked hurt
*the next day he said " have you tried some yet?"
*they were extra expensive ones
*his language of love is gifts
*he misreads my bingeing for a love of food
*I have dieticians and doctors in the family and they believe in the balanced approach
*I'm a mum, always tired
*I was always given food as a reward as a child
*I even remember my nan calling me a "greedy little girl" yet she would always offer me sweets fr being good

This explains a lot about your current situation! Hon, you have quite a lot to contend with in trying to get free of cravings! A husband who loves to give foods as gifts, medical experts in your family who tell you that you should "just eat less", exhaustion from taking care of little ones in the house, and a history of family who both loved and shamed you through food. No wonder you get so "bamboozled" by your binges!

As you start to pursue your history with food, develop strategies for getting free of compulsive eating, and practice boundaries with your loved ones, you will find a slow but steady release from all of these stressful elements, because you'll be handling them properly, emotionally speaking. Things start to come into alignment. You're not hiding from life - past or present - anymore. You're facing it, and dealing with it. So much of the stress you experience now doesn't come from outside situations....the worst of your stress comes from your inner environment which is in conflict with itself. Right now you are both the shaming, nagging mother (or jailer?), and the victim child who wants to be free. They both fight for dominance...and no one wins. You stay trapped in an endless cycle of bingeing, restricting, pleasing others, and shaming yourself. You need FREEDOM. And you can have it. You must seek it.

Sorry that was so long but there is SO much to say! I hope this has been helpful. If you have any other questions I'm happy to oblige. Blessings!
:flowerforyou:

What a great reply, I honestly thought I was the only one who had no willpower when it comes to certain foods. I am not alone!!! Makes me feel...normal! This has been one of the best things I have read on mfp. Thank you

onmyown70

That was one of the most helpful replies I think because,brand oli also really "listened", read(!) my post and really thoughtfully picked up on what i was writing. I just wish she loved next door (although I imagine she would be glad she doesn't). On these boards I know I have appeared frantic and feeling like I'm reaching breaking point, I often have felt I am completely abnormal. I don't think anyone around me knows what a head case I am, they would only realise if they were to share a food cupboard with me or set up secret cameras. I think I may appear calm, collected and reasonably "together" to others!

It's a really "deep" issue! And it's hard when others around you aren't programmed the same way. I think my husband just thinks "it's all Nuts" he is good though he just keeps forgetting that we have to have "these little chats about my problems " which he doesn't think is an issue anyway, he just says "so what you eat too much, well I drink too much some days, but I drink because I want to and you eat because you want to , if you don't want to , don't" well, that all makes so much sense in theory!