How do you cope with the self-loathing?

nicola8989

Just... how? I can't beat it and it becomes a vicious cycle of self-destruction when I achieve anything, then loathing myself for that.

diannethegeek

I know this might sound harsh, but I'm going to say it anyway. Self-loathing isn't actually a normal emotion for most people. It took me a while to learn that. I guess I just assumed that everyone kind of hated themselves. But most people don't, which might be why this post didn't get many responses.

I couldn't beat the feelings on my own. I see a therapist to help keep mine in check. And even still I have good days and bad ones. But the good days outnumber the bad and the bad ones aren't as bad as they used to be.

swdabs

set yourself smaller goals and celebrate when you achieve them.
don't think I have .... this much to lose - you'll give up. just say this week I want to lose a pound.
when you lose it celebrate [not with cake!!] with a treat - facial, nails done ect.
so far it works for me.

nicola8989

thank you - I will try the small goals.

That doesn't sound harsh Dianne - it's really helpful thank you. I am thinking of going back to a therapist.

jerihans

You have to approach it cognitively. There are many ways to do it, pick the one that works for you. Here is ONE way: Pick a positive affirmation, something you know in your head is true (for example, "I am a smart person and". Then finish it with whatever is challenging you; interrupt your negative thought with:
I'm a smart person and I know I can put in 10 minutes of exercise today.
I'm a smart person and I know I can eat a lighter dinner to compensate for the donut I just ate. I'm back on track as of now!
I'm a smart person and I will continue with my program and will see results.

You have to interrupt your negative thoughts every time.

This (and other methods) can help you train your brain to think positively. Remember, your weight is only a small part of who you are. The majority of women in America have this crappy brain thing. My fitness trainer sister who is a size 2 has the SAME issues. Hard for me to sympathize because she looks so great to me, but there it is.

Makhai_

Bumb

independant2406

I struggle with this on a daily basis. You are not alone.

Here is what has helped me... some of these may sound strange/stupid but I promise they do work.

1. Be kind to yourself. And love yourself. Your probably your own worst critic and treat yourself more harshly than others around you. Would you talk down to your best friend the way you talk down to yourself? Probably not. Become your own best friend and treat yourself the way you would treat another person you really care about and value.

2. Learn to control your "self-talk" (especially the negative things you tell yourself inside). Punishing yourself mentally (or out loud) for things that are perfectly normal will only hold you back from reaching your goals. The more you can be your own cheerleader the more good days you'll have. Focus on the positive things you do and mentally praise yourself for them. If you can't manage to say positive things about yourself to yourself, then fake it and keep saying it till you believe it.

3. Forgive yourself and others. I know I grew up with a family that constantly criticized everything. They had fun picking each other to death about stupid things and nagging one another (and me) about what could be done better/faster/more perfectly. Learning to let this go, forgive myself for being (gasp) human and imperfect, really gave me a lot of relief. Forgiving the people who put these kind of ugly thoughts into your head in the first place will be harder but it will come with time.

4. Learn to let go of that death grip you have trying to control everything around you. Its not healthy or helpful to you.

5. Set smaller goals. Often when I find myself disappointed/angry at myself its because I'm too busy looking at someone else who is many years ahead of where I am now. Everyone is at different points in their journey. Your focus should be on yourself and the next 1-2 steps ahead of you.

6. Surround yourself with people and things that make you feel positive and make you feel inspired. If something/someone is dragging you down then it may be time to consider giving that person/thing a less significant role in your life. Ditch that TV show or activity or person that makes you feel unhappy about yourself or self conscious. Avoiding friends who are constantly negative about themselves and others will make steps #1 and #2 above much easier. Find friends with similar goals who will support you. Everyone has bad days and says things they don't mean sometimes but it is possible to find people who lift you up and inspire you way more often then they bring you down.

7. You are the only one that can help you. I always wanted to have support from other people, in the form of kind words or approval or whatever. Eventually I figured out no matter how much of that I attained I'd still feel unhappy. The only way to get out of my miserable mental state was to change how I treated myself and to stop looking to other people to make me feel better.

Anyway, these are the things I've done that have helped set me free from that cycle your in. I hope at least some of what I've shared will be helpful to you.

I'm sending a big virtual hug your way. You have what it takes to defeat this and to feel better. I believe in you

Smpo1979

"I know this might sound harsh, but I'm going to say it anyway. Self-loathing isn't actually a normal emotion for most people. It took me a while to learn that. I guess I just assumed that everyone kind of hated themselves. "


This hits hard....I find it difficult to believe that there are people who don't struggle with self-loathing. It's a real battle for me....therapy is how I'm dealing with it, also.

DragonflyBoudica

I project it onto others sometimes. I'm aware of this & try not to do so any more. Also, realized I should recognize dignity and self respect for myself & stand up my needs. This is not selfish- this is healthy. Which in turns helps me not to dump my negativity onto others as much. I've also learned not to take everything anyone says personally & allow it to hurt my self respect, but instead understand that others project their personal issues onto me. Now, I can understand others better than when I was younger, and give them real empathy, love, and support without running myself into the ground. a more balanced & healthy outlook. I am a lot less internally stressed now a days because of this & being real with folks- not as many masks.

WickedPineapple

I agree with the above poster that you have to derail those negative thoughts. What's worked for me is distraction. When negativity infiltrates my thoughts, I tend to dwell on them. When I notice I'm doing this I consciously stop those thoughts and try to think of more benign things (what do we need from the grocery store) or physically do something (workout, cleaning, go for a walk, anything). When I can't easily stop them, I tend to go read because reading doesn't leave any room for other thoughts. Hobbies and keeping yourself busy are good.

Focusing only on the positive in both yourself and others also helps, although I've never tried positive affirmations. I've found that focusing on negatives in other people exacerbates how negatively we view ourselves.

DragonflyBoudica

I think everyone does it to different degrees & express it in their lives in different ways. So it may not come across as real obvious to others as self loathing.

ThatBearsFan

I would also add to the above poster's list.

1) Don't compare yourself to other people. You are unique, valuable, and important to this world. Life itself rejoices in your presence and just like in the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," it would be a very different existence for the rest of the world if you weren't in it and contributing to it. Embrace yourself and who you are. Pay attention to the things that make you stand out from other people and allow yourself to fully enjoy them. You are never second best, or second to anyone else.

2) Don't try to fit in with the crowd. It's the very fact of your uniqueness of thought and avoiding the sheep mentality that you make contributions to the world, and normally it's often the people who don't quite "fit" with the herd who are engineers of change and innovation. Follow your heart, your dreams, and the things that inspire you, focus your energy toward achieving those things you enjoy and the goals you set for yourself. You will come to realize what a wonderful person you truly are.

3) Replace the negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Search the web for positive quotes and sayings that fall in line with your beliefs and who you really are. Put them all down on strips of paper or index cards, or whatever medium works for you, and stick them all into a jar or some kind of container. Pull one out every day and repeat it to yourself throughout the day. It's said that repeating things at least 10 times a day helps make it stick in your head. Eventually your head and heart will come to an agreement and you will start to believe in yourself, and dare I even say it... love yourself.

4) If you're not sure where to start with all this, it might also help you to identify your character strengths. Martin Seligman, PhD, wrote a book called "Authentic Happiness." He's the head of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania. They have a whole section dedicated to this philosophy of becoming happy, and there are man surveys you can take, no cost, to help you find the happiness in your life and start loving yourself. It's free, by the way.

https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/user/login?destination=node/434

You can do this!!!

DragonflyBoudica

I agree with the above posters' suggestions for dealing with it. Those are some very helpful tips.

yellowlemoned

I'm still working through this myself. It sounds ridiculous, and your going to feel stupid at first, but give this a try. It's the only thing that's helped me so far.

Go find a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. You have to forgive yourself for all your flaws, mistakes, bad decisions, and anything else that might be holding you back. You don't have to try to fix them, and honestly speaking there will be many that you can't, but you HAVE to forgive yourself first.

The second step (the part I'm still working on) is telling that horrible voice in your head to shut the @#$ up. Every time you start bashing yourself, just stop. I won't pretend it's easy to do, but it's really the only way. When you find a flaw you're picking on yourself for, find something positive. If you can't do that, then tell yourself to shut up and think about something, anything, else. Eventually it will happen less and less (It's finally starting to happen for me.) and then all that's left is learning to love yourself again.

I don't have all the answers, but if you need support/someone to talk to, I'm all ears. Feel free to add me.

La5Vega5Girl

we have so many thoughts running through our heads all day. some of them are bound to be negative. if we spoke to someone else the way we spoke to ourselves, we would be in fights all day long! we put up with alot from ourselves. we need to be kinder to ourselves. we need to give ourselves hugs and compliments! write on your mirror one positive thing about yourself (use a dry-erase marker) and each day, add something new.

snowflake954

Ask yourself if the glass is half full or half empty. This pretty much tells you how you approach life. You need to learn to be positive. When something bad happens ask yourself if anyone will care in 100 years. If the answer is no, get on with your life.

AglaeaC

I used to view myself with loathing at times. Then life taught me that there are more important things to waste my energy on than being self-absorbed like that. It's taken me about three decades to learn to love myself for who I am and while I still have days of heavy self-critique, I'm doing my best to live by "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.", Oscar Wilde. I'm crazy and wonderful and annoying and interesting and lots of other things; like nobody else. The world needs me to be my best version and I do my best to deliver just that; self-absorption takes away from those who need me more than I do need myself so to speak.

AglaeaC

Oh, and I'll give you a little exercise, a challenge if you like. For each bad thing you say about yourself you must come up with a good one to balance it out to zero. Once you've practiced for a while, up the ante to two positives for one negative. I already know there's lots more positive about you, but you have to see it for yourself.

Mexicanbigfoot

Some great suggestions. I struggle with this and I've been through TONS of therapy to try and help. It's better but I still have bad days. I am going to print the above suggestions out and keep them handy for when I feel blue :flowerforyou:

silentKayak

Speak to yourself as kindly as you'd speak to others. If you saw one of your MFP friends feeling down because they'd eaten badly, or hadn't exercised, or didn't lose what they thought they would, you'd likely say:

"That's OK. Don't beat yourself up. You made a mistake, you learned from it, you're still here. Tomorrow is a new day. Go back to your plan and you'll be back on track."

So easy to say to others. So hard to say to ourselves.

Espressocycle

Therapy. Seriously. Or just go do something -anything- other than sitting around being self-loathing. It helps. Not as much as it should, but it helps.

jennifer_417

You have to keep telling yourself the truth, no matter what you feel/think. I'm sure if you take a step back, you can, on some level, acknowledge that you are NOT a worthless pile of garbage. Start there. Tell yourself that, over and over and over. Say it out loud. If you notice that you did something right, congratulate yourself. Tell yourself that you are proud of yourself. Tell yourself that you did a good job.

Self-loathing is born of what you tell yourself about yourself. So, make a choice to tell yourself something different. Is it easier to keep thinking/saying the same things? Sure. Is it hard work to tell/make yourself think something different? Yep. But. If you keep doing it, it gets easier over time.

Espressocycle

Basic cognitive behavioral therapy question:

Am I viewing this problem realistically, or have I been overreacting? Is
there another way of viewing this?
What should I do?

RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle

I kicked self loathing to the curb like this:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle/view/immodesty-696648

I also write gratitude lists and watch you tube videos about cleaning. I used to dislike myself the most when I did housework, but I'm getting much better.

George_Baileys_Ghost

Until I can afford therapy, I grit my teeth and ignore it. It's brought me through this far. Not a path I'd recommend for just anybody though.

nicola8989

Thank you so much everybody for your kind words and support - it means a lot. There are some really helpful suggestions here that I am definitely taking on board xx

snowflake954

I keep thinking of the song "The Greatest Love of All". Remember "Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all".

AglaeaC

I've been giving this a bit more thought. I definitely agree with the speaking to oneself as one would address others. I blogged about perfectionism and this point came up in that context, but do read it anyway if you like (if you're not decidedly perfectionist):
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/AglaeaC/view/expecting-perfection-684614

I think it would be helpful for you to ponder in greater detail when you get the feelings, whether there is a certain pattern to them or not. Do places, people, time of day/week/month/year, lack of sleep, levels of nutrition and movement, sex, etc. act as triggers? Or is it just random?