My story.

machinistgoalie · September 2014

So it's obvious from my handle and profile pic, I'm a bit nutty about hockey. I abhore humble-bragging, but I figure perhaps I should drop my caustic edge for a moment and share with people in a community and setting in which someone could possibly find inspiration from what I've been able to achieve.

I am currently at 269 (not sure how or why my little scale indicator on my profile isn't showing that, but whatevs).

I started at 407 lbs in March of 2010. I was tired on every level. Being obese sure as hell took a lot of work. I don't have to go into the whole deal about how I felt about myself and viewed the world, anyone who has been overweight, or stuggled with food addiciton and weight issues, will already know what it's like, so I won't be redundant.

I "suffered" (a self imposed suffering I've now come to see) from gout, high blood pressure, lathargy, and just struggled to get through a shift. My legs were always swollen, achy and stiff, and for those who don't know, having had a broken leg when I was young, gout, very much feels like that. But it was so funny! He's limping! LOL Look at fatty hobble around the machine shop all day. What fun!

I have always been bigger, be that genetics, family health lifestyle, or a combination, I have never been thin. But I always kept being obese at bay by playing sports and being active. Football, baseball, and of course hockey. I played all, with a focus on hockey since I was a kid. That ended when I was 19 and had my oldest son. It was time to forget things for myself, and take care of what I brought into the world. My hopes, dreams, hobbies, likes, all rightfully took a back seat to providing for him.

So, I went to work. On 2nd and 3rd shifts. 10's, 12's, 14s an on occasion 7 days a week. Machining is good source of income, but the benefit is in OT, that's where it adds up. So at the end of the day (night), all I wanted to do is sit, eat and sleep. And I was justified right?! I worked for it, was doing what I was supposed to do in life.

Well back to that aforementioned gout. It was literally crippling. 15 years had slipped away from me, and sure there were moments of short lived happiness, I was fat, not dead. But a complete fufillment in life eluded me. I met my now wife and at the time I was 310 lbs. I "carried my weight well", was still solidly broad chested and not an entirely horrible man to look at. I say this only because my wife is beautiful, confident and certainly had/has life figured out. I was a fat idiot, and she liked being around me, so I must've done something right.

But I digress. So here I was, 33. Now over 400 lbs. Crippled with gout, and completly miserable. I've been fat my entire life. I've been picked on in school, and now, in an adult way, at work by my peers. But they weren't wrong?! I couldn't even get down on the floor, my legs were so swollen. If I manged with great effort to get on the floor, I'd weep because of the pain, and the disappointment in myself. The baby (2nd child was over a decade after my 1st) was down there with me, and I'd look at him, cooing, laughing and squeeling, and he was beautiful. He needed me around.

I was tired. Of being fat. Of being less. Of being weak. Of being in pain. Of being tired. I have a renaissance warrior spirit. I was more than this. So I decided to do something, and be more.

Beyond the obvious, improving for myself, my wife and kids. I missed hockey. I didn't watch for years because I was too bitter and disappointed that I couldn't play anymore. I missed the speed and thrill of the game. Feeling a puck slam into me, the dull pain coupled with satisfaction of a save. Those feelings made me feel alive, far more than any cheeseburger ever had.

I was going back to the ice.

I am now almost 39 years old. I've lost +/- 140 lbs. I skate 8 hours a week, and play with levels up to college and semi pros. I coach goalies from first timers up to college goaltenders. I constantly get commented on that I cannot be almost 40 years old, or away from the game for 15 years, or over 250 lbs.

(a word of note: goaltending has long had a reputation for being a lazy or unskilled position in sport. This stems from the time when you'd stick the worst skater and unathletic kid in the net so you'd have somoene to shoot at. If it ever was that, it has evolved to a position that is anything but. In the last 20 years, the position has gone through such dynamic and groundbreaking changes, the typical skill set included being one of the best skaters on the team, the most athletic, and mentally strong. And the ideal physical frame almost every professional goaltender has is that of a bean pole. Tall, thin, mobile and coordinated. The modern game moves far to fast to sit idly and lazy. My Friday nights at the rink would have most of the general population begging for mercy)

So achiving what I have, that last part still sticks to me. I guess what I hate a grea deal is labels. Fat people are lazy (defied it working as much as I do), they're stupid (you should be able to surmise if I am or am not by this composition), and I still get a label, even with a back handed compliment (You're a good goalie, for being so "big"). I hate labels. Definition of myself, is set by myself for myself. But there is truth in other's observation. They still observe me being fat, and it's a reality I can only change with more work.

I've come this far, and have decided I can see 200 lbs. I constantly need to strive for a goal. It helps me stay motivated, and not get complacent. That is my biggest fear, that it will all be gone someday if I do not stay vigilant. I lost 15 years of ice hockey and truly, life, because I was not vigilant. I was asleep, un-focused.

So going from not being able to get off the floor to playing 8 hours a week, and holding my own against people half my age and a level that should by all definition, be above my abilities and expierence, I seek more. I'm shooting for 200 lbs, and to celebrate, will attempt to go to a semi-pro league training camp and be a walk on.

I've no dillusions. I will never make a roster spot. My skill is not on par, I'm old, and quite honestly, for the level of league I'd be shooting for, I make more money in my current vocation. But I need to know that I can do it. To make a run, just for the expierence. I won't even consider going at my current weight, a leveling up in my game will only come from weight loss. Reaction time, stronger pushes on the ice, better balance, all can be achieved from weight loss. Again, it won't get me a spot, but I want to at least show up and not be laughed off the ice.

If hockey is the goal, the motivation comes from within and my family. Self accountability, discipline a dash of religion and bushido keeps me strong mentally.

So, thanks for reading. For anyone who thinks it hopeless, or fruitless or futile, know that it isn't. Find your drive, change your heart and mind, and you can achieve much. Be it stopping pucks or fitting into a smaller set of jeans. Just find the impetus.