Wife confusing me on my getting into shape again
cfgreear
Posts: 189 Member
Hello everyone. I've been getting back into shape after the usual hits from life that take so much out of all of us(college, then marriage, then kids and jobs). My problem is not the getting back into shape. Im using the sixpackshortcuts program and building muscle while losing fat at a very quick rate. The problem is the gym time and my wife wanting me home faster. I already have 2 hours each way on bus to a full time job. so I leave my house before shes awake and I get back to town in the early evening everyday.
Heres where it starts getting contradictory for me and a bit confusing. She complains to me about being a bit overweight and tells me to lose the fat and become healthy. So I started working out like I used to and its working. I spend about 1 hour at the gym for 2 days for weights and then do workouts at home for the next 2 days on my own equipment and repeat. She tells me she hates it when I get home late and that the diet is pointless and I should just act normal again. But she really makes me feel bad about myself when im heavier and tears me down a lot with verbal abuse.
So she wants me to be healthy and more lean, but doesn't want me to actually go through to work needed to make it happen. She gets mad at me either way so I really don't know what to do here.
Any ideas? Any advice from people with similar experiences?
Heres where it starts getting contradictory for me and a bit confusing. She complains to me about being a bit overweight and tells me to lose the fat and become healthy. So I started working out like I used to and its working. I spend about 1 hour at the gym for 2 days for weights and then do workouts at home for the next 2 days on my own equipment and repeat. She tells me she hates it when I get home late and that the diet is pointless and I should just act normal again. But she really makes me feel bad about myself when im heavier and tears me down a lot with verbal abuse.
So she wants me to be healthy and more lean, but doesn't want me to actually go through to work needed to make it happen. She gets mad at me either way so I really don't know what to do here.
Any ideas? Any advice from people with similar experiences?
2
Replies
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Sometimes women don't entirely make sense with what they are saying.
Pretty much this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UoEsDKx3vs 1 -
It's totally normal to want completely contradictory things, but it's not rational to demand someone perform contradictory tasks. Try telling her that. It's ok if she wants you healthy and slimmer AND wants you not to be gone to the gym. She can want that. What she can't expect is for you to be able to do both those things. Ultimately, you have to choose which thing you're going to do. Personally, I'd keep working on getting healthy. Good for you!1
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ok- coming from a woman....
I think your wife wants you to be healthy, but she might resent the time you spend away from your family. It's a difficult position to be in- I've been there with my husband.
My advice is to keep working out, but also try to make some extra effort to spend time with your wife and kids. For example- how about signing up for a family exercise class (my local Y has a Family Zumba & Family Yoga classes), or even swimming or going for a bike ride together for the whole family?
Also- you're getting time to yourself- to work on yourself...but... what time does she get for herself (which might be causing the resentment). Take the kids off her hands for a couple of hours on the weekend- take them to the park, ride bikes- they can play- and you can use the time for jumping jacks, running, push ups, etc. Even when you work out at home- can your kids get involved (good fitness is important regardless of their age. And BONUS- if they see you exercising- it will make them want to be healthier too.
And my last peice of advice...go on a date with your wife. yes- a date! Let her see that you're putting as much effort into your relationship as you are into getting well. extra points if you can go on an "active" date- hiking- bowling....anything that doesn't require you sitting down!
Good luck!2 -
I see from your profile you have a kid, and another on the way. Is she a stay at home Mum? It might be that, with the 2 hour commute, she is simply frustrated/bored/lonely/needs adult company. I know that when my (now ex) wife and I started having kids, and she was stay at home for a while she'd get that way sometimes. She'd be jealous of my 10 minute drive to work, as that was purely "me time"!
Maybe she is even resentful of the way you are improving and feels she doesn't have time to work out herself? Do you make sure she has some time to herself?
My advice would be to talk to her! Maybe you'll need to readjust your schedule a little, give her some alone time, help more with kid/dinner... I don't know. Maybe you do all that already? Just some ideas based on what I've learned! YMMV.2 -
Also keep in mind you're going the extra mile to do something SHE's pushing for (and you want to) and you're doing it. If she isn't in the best of shape- you now have one of those "you're making me look bad" situations- because YOU"RE really actually doing it- and you're going the extra mile.
Tell her that's nice- but you can't have it both ways. Tell her you're doing the best you can- but your health and wellenss are important and that she survived 8 hours on her own all day- and she can survive another hour or two without you.
My BF is ONLY here Wed/Thur- and I'm at work during the day- and Wed I go to the gym- because it's gym day- I do my best to get home to him quickly- but I still don't get home till almost 7. Tough titties. I work for what I have and it doesn't' come for free - he gets that this fabulous *kitten* comes with a price tag.
work it out-but stand your ground on making sure you have time for YOU>0 -
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This is great advice only IF she is a logical, rational person. But, due to your comment that she is verbally abusive, I say, no, she doesn't deserve to verbally abuse you, make you feel badly about yourself and then guilty for trying to improve! That is just not right, but clearly it is HER issues she is projecting (if that's the case). Sorry, but it sounds like the relationship may be unhealthy.ok- coming from a woman....
I think your wife wants you to be healthy, but she might resent the time you spend away from your family. It's a difficult position to be in- I've been there with my husband.
My advice is to keep working out, but also try to make some extra effort to spend time with your wife and kids. For example- how about signing up for a family exercise class (my local Y has a Family Zumba & Family Yoga classes), or even swimming or going for a bike ride together for the whole family?
Also- you're getting time to yourself- to work on yourself...but... what time does she get for herself (which might be causing the resentment). Take the kids off her hands for a couple of hours on the weekend- take them to the park, ride bikes- they can play- and you can use the time for jumping jacks, running, push ups, etc. Even when you work out at home- can your kids get involved (good fitness is important regardless of their age. And BONUS- if they see you exercising- it will make them want to be healthier too.
And my last peice of advice...go on a date with your wife. yes- a date! Let her see that you're putting as much effort into your relationship as you are into getting well. extra points if you can go on an "active" date- hiking- bowling....anything that doesn't require you sitting down!
Good luck!1 -
Your wife is pregnant? That could explain it all! We can be even more hormonal than usual when pregnant, I turned into a demon.
Perhaps she feels she's out of shape herself, but as she obviously is very limited about what she can safely take up during pregnancy and with another child in tow she's taking her frustration out on you?
Sounds like you guys need a chat about what you think you need to do for yourself, and what she needs you to do as a husband to a pregnant wife and a father, and then you can come to some sort of workable compromise for you both?1 -
Communicate. That's it. Tell her how you feel and what YOU want. Listen and see where her complains are coming from. Then make the best decision for your situation, all things considered.
If that doesn't work just tell her to calm her t*ts and keep doing what your doing, lol.
Goodluck0 -
4 hours of commuting, I would find another job../2
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I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with her about it. We can speculate but the why is going to have to coe from her. Why does she feel like the diet is pointless? She said she wants you to be fit and makes fun of you for not being fit but won't give you the opportunity to make changes - so which is it?
Are you two doing it together and maybe she just doesn't want to anymore? Maybe she's just being hormonal and jealous because she sees you making progress and just feels fat and frumpy due to the alien within?
And just for the record, all these female generalizations are driving me nuts... We're not all irrational bundles of emotion.0 -
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Kind of surprised at all the "women are illogical" comments on this thread. We see this same thread all the time when it's the husband....so, it's not gender specific.
If OP is feeling verbally abused, that's a problem that goes beyond "illogical" and "pregnant."
OP, sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife so that you can get to the bottom of why she is acting this way.2 -
AS a woman, let me point out.....she's a woman.
We are frigging contratictory, we want something, then we complain when we get it. I totally get your confusion. Seriously, bro, I wish we could be as cut and dried as you guys are. But, sadly, we are a little crazy.
Don't go crazy but find a way to ask her where there could be a happy medium.0 -
Listen to what people are saying. You should really sit down and have a talk with her about it. Calmly and rationally.
When she's done yelling at you for a dream you had 8 years ago come back and tell us all about it.
:laugh:
hahahahaha0 -
So why not discuss how to acheive what you both want? Like investing in home equipment, or going to the gym together.0
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1. Figure out what you want.
2. Sit down with her to find out what she wants.
3. Talk through it until you both figure out a way to get what you both want making whatever scheduling, exercise routine, and diet changes necessary to get it.
4. If you both want something badly enough, you'll make whatever sacrifices are necessary to get it.0 -
Keep her in mind, but do what you want to do. As long as it isn't hurting your family. If you enjoy working out and want to become healthier and a stronger version of yourself. Do it. Do it for yourself with her in mind. You be your motivation, and don't worry about her words. Good luck.0
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Thank you everyone for your helpful replies. Since she is pregnant and is a stay at home wife right now (our first daughter is in kindergarten) I am more than willing to accept that a lot of things can be from a hormonal imbalance. I am more of a practical thinker and she is the opposite sometimes. We do have clashes but have been together for a while and I care for her so much so I want to at least do my best to get to my goal.
I will take your advice and sit with her so we can discuss the best course of action calmly. She has been talking about hating how heavy she feels with the baby inside her. She looks fine to me and I compliment her but she still has that insecurity. Perhaps its time to sell some stuff around the house and invest in putting together a home gym so I can do everything there and not need to sacrifice family time.
Hearing it from all of you that it might be jealousy or insecurity that comes along with the current work situation coupled with her being pregnant is very reassuring that I need to make some changes to better accommodate my family. My father told me when growing up that its God first, Family second, Work third.
Thanks again everyone for the support.2 -
4 hours of commuting, I would find another job../
Or invest in a car, at least. Payments on a reliable used car can't be THAT much more than a monthly bus pass.0 -
Nah. He married a jerk.Sorry mate. You married a woman. No point in expecting logic.
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. No one should be belittled over appearance. She's put you in a catch-22 and it isn't fair. You need to have a very frank discussion with her about it.1 -
Hello everyone. I've been getting back into shape after the usual hits from life that take so much out of all of us(college, then marriage, then kids and jobs). My problem is not the getting back into shape. Im using the sixpackshortcuts program and building muscle while losing fat at a very quick rate. The problem is the gym time and my wife wanting me home faster. I already have 2 hours each way on bus to a full time job. so I leave my house before shes awake and I get back to town in the early evening everyday.
Heres where it starts getting contradictory for me and a bit confusing. She complains to me about being a bit overweight and tells me to lose the fat and become healthy. So I started working out like I used to and its working. I spend about 1 hour at the gym for 2 days for weights and then do workouts at home for the next 2 days on my own equipment and repeat. She tells me she hates it when I get home late and that the diet is pointless and I should just act normal again. But she really makes me feel bad about myself when im heavier and tears me down a lot with verbal abuse.
So she wants me to be healthy and more lean, but doesn't want me to actually go through to work needed to make it happen. She gets mad at me either way so I really don't know what to do here.
Any ideas? Any advice from people with similar experiences?
Your wife sounds like a peach. I would suggest marriage counseling. No one deserves to be abused.0 -
ok- coming from a woman....
I think your wife wants you to be healthy, but she might resent the time you spend away from your family. It's a difficult position to be in- I've been there with my husband.
My advice is to keep working out, but also try to make some extra effort to spend time with your wife and kids. For example- how about signing up for a family exercise class (my local Y has a Family Zumba & Family Yoga classes), or even swimming or going for a bike ride together for the whole family?
Also- you're getting time to yourself- to work on yourself...but... what time does she get for herself (which might be causing the resentment). Take the kids off her hands for a couple of hours on the weekend- take them to the park, ride bikes- they can play- and you can use the time for jumping jacks, running, push ups, etc. Even when you work out at home- can your kids get involved (good fitness is important regardless of their age. And BONUS- if they see you exercising- it will make them want to be healthier too.
And my last peice of advice...go on a date with your wife. yes- a date! Let her see that you're putting as much effort into your relationship as you are into getting well. extra points if you can go on an "active" date- hiking- bowling....anything that doesn't require you sitting down!
Good luck!
This ^^^0 -
My husband and I work out together so that we get more together time. We cycle as a family and go to the gym. Our gym has a daycare. I am a stay at home mom to our 3 year old and we selected our gym based on the daycare. I can leave my daughter at the daycare and focus on my workouts. I think someone stated your wife is pregnant and that is hard, especially if you are chasing another kid around. My husband bought a kid trailer for his bike, so that he can take our daughter out on some of his rides. Sit down with your wife and work out a schedule where you get time to workout, your family time is set, and where your wife gets her time as well. Setting a schedule helped me and my husband get what we want!1
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Like others have said, it sounds like she's just upset about the time that you're away from home, not the fact that you're at the gym. She's probably lonely, just misses you. Can you guys find more time to be together? Maybe work out together, go for family walks in the evening, outings on the weekends?0
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sounds like a control issue.
basically she's trying to manipulate and control you by making any choice you engage in the "wrong" choice.
you just have to start doing what you want to do for you.1 -
Just agree then do it your own way ;-)0
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Nailed it!0
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Sounds like she has issues, perhaps with her own self-esteem. Does she get satisfaction out of telling you where you've gone wrong and what you should do about it? Try getting to the base of where she is coming from.0
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OP, I appreciate your level-headed response to the suggestions given and I don't mean to harp on this, but being pregnant, lonely, or whatever does NOT give you the right to be verbally abusive! Yes, hormones can you get all out of whack when you're pregnant but it still isn't okay. I think she needs to acknowledge that is wrong and she needs to stop that.0
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