Shame

danaberge

For me, shame plays a huge role in failure. I'm ashamed I ate oreos with whole milk, or binged at a chinese buffet... etc.

It's disappointment with ourselves that we "couldn't stick to it". So in turn shame causes these feelings of hopelessness. I beat myself up and give up. Why would I want to keep failing at something and keep beating myself up?

So I realized this pattern. Happening over and over - my whole life. We are truly our own worst enemies. As cliche as it sounds, it's the truth. When I fail, and I do, all the time I practice something I made up called immediate forgiveness. Telling myself that i'm a failure, loser and quitter didn't work. It never worked. It didn't make me stronger or better. It broke me down and made me not care. But I do care about my health. I care about my kids and my well being and myself.

So, when I fail - I forgive myself. I know I shouldn't have eaten 6 halloween oreo cookies in whole milk. I don't need to keep repeating it. Saying it 1,000,000 times and then attaching negative emotions. I have emotional compulsive food addiction. I don't know what the cure is. But I know that this time, with this promise to myself that I have gone further and lost more weight with using forgiveness. Instant forgiveness. Just to say, it happened, i'm not proud, but this is my addiction and I will make the next right choice. Staying honest, and logging these mistakes is also imperative for self accountability. Just admit it. Your not hurting anyone, it's done. Forgive yourself.

Food addiction is so complex. Until it's admitted, understood and talked about things just get worse. Just sending some encouragement out there that losing weight isn't about perfection it's about persistence. Good luck friends!

Dana

RedfootDaddy

I was talking about this in another post, but for me weight loss and mental health are very similar, and the key to both is mindfulness. That's what everyone talks about - logging accurately, being aware of what you're putting into your body, educating yourself. But mindfulness is so hard to learn when it comes to yourself. Being able to identify not only what you're feeling and thinking, but why. How else could it be read. What could it mean. What thinking habits you're unconsciously falling into.

So good for you! Immediate forgiveness sounds to me like a type of mindfulness - you acknowledged what you did, accepted that you did it, and you're ready to change the next time - and now you have the plan and experience in place to help you with it the next time.

Kalikel

I don't know where I fall on the addiction thing. I know that if I eat carbs, I generally want more. Like caveman want: Want. More. Carbs. . Not sure that qualifies as addiction, though. Not like I was with the cigarettes, certainly.

Some people have eating disorders that keep them fat,but for most of us, it's just bad habits that need breaking.

Agree that shame as it applies to food is a worthless and pointless emotion.

If you make the choice to overeat, accept that you're making the choice to put that food in your mouth. Enjoy the taste. Then log it and move on.

Feeling bad while eating it (or, worse, ignoring the fact that you're overeating) and then being ashamed after - No, no, no, nono, no, NO!

We all have setbacks,but that's all they are. A bump. A tiny stumble on a tree root while walking our path on the weight loss journey.

No big deal! Keep on keepin on.

danaberge

You guys are AWESOME!!!!

Francl27

Another way to look at this though... you didn't fail anything if it fit in your calories. Heck, even if it didn't... just eat less in the next few days to make up for it.

The only way you'll fail is if you give up. Life happens. You will have days when you just eat more. It's not a failure... it's just life.

That being said... it's a slippery slope too. If you never feel guilty or shame if you eat too much too often, well... you'll probably gain the weight back. So... accept that you didn't make the best choice, but that it's not a big deal as long as it's not a common occurrence (and I repeat, eating oreos within your calories is totally fine!).

ahoy_m8

Regret is natural and healthy. It spurs us to healthy change. If you regret eating oreos, maybe next time you want a treat you will pick something different or fit it into your calorie budget first.

Shame is altogether different. "I am bad" vs. "I did something bad." The person vs. the behavior. I work with incarcerated women. They wouldn't be there if at some point they hadn't done something bad. In an overwhelming and heartbreaking majority of cases, they were victims long before they ever perpetrated. Of all the tragic fallout of childhood abuse (especially sexual abuse), shame is the most persistent and poignant. I realize there's a world of difference between child abuse or incarceration and occasional overeating, and I am in no way making assumptions about anyone posting here. Lots of things lead to shame and I think the mechanism--how shame works--is similar.

I found this to be a refreshing idea: Shame has absolutely nothing to do with what I did or what someone did to me. It has everything to do with the lies I tell myself to explain what happened. E.g. "I deserved the abuse." That's a lie. No one does, especially a child. The idea taught me to examine what I'm telling myself when I feel shame. Is it really accurate or am I exaggerating or am I making it about me when it's not?

I apologize for going off the rails here. My heart really goes out to anyone struggling with shame for whatever reason. In the big scheme of things, eating oreos (a couple or even a whole bag at once) isn't a big failure. You're not sitting in jail, after all. Instead of listening to the lie that you're a failure, tell yourself you are in the process of making healthy changes for yourself. Affirm the good that is there in you.

chadya07

i feel your post and the subsequent posts of others.

i think about that all the time.

i figure as soon as i start shaming myself for what i do, its a sure sign i am ABOUT to fail.

giving myself a break, i believe, is the number one reason i have succeeded this far this time. because before i would take one day of my actions so seriously, or one week, and think it was all or nothing and i was a failure, and this time... i think in terms of a big picture. what i have done, what i did today, what i will do tomorrow, and what i will do until goal and for the rest of my life. and one day of bad eating of lazy loafing will not destroy that, it is just life and life fits in my big picture.

downward spirals can happen too but that is why i have a big ol group of supporters on here not to shame me but to encourage me if things start getting out of control. in the meantime i can make a new lifestyle that includes giving myself a break.