Remembering Me

tiger87lilly

Yesterday I sat down and tried to recall times in my life when I was the most happiest with my weight, I was able to remember two very brief moment.

As a kid my weight fluctuated, many pictures of me were destroyed but at one point I weighed 175 pounds (I was 13 years old). By JHS I was more aware, well I was always aware that I was over weight but I guess what I'm trying to say is I wanted to do something about it. So like my mother I began to restrict calories, I started going to Weight Watchers with my mom......I was beginning to get sucked into a new world.

My 15 I was down to 150 and started starving myself and binge eating (gorging and purging). In less than six months I was down to 110 pounds. Now you may be thinking this was one of the happy times, well no it wasn't. I was miserable, sick all the time, and still wasn't satisfied with what I looked like.

I found myself in the hospital after waking up one morning vomiting blood. The Dr told my mom I was destroying my body and if I didn't stop I could die from malnutrition. This scared me. The saying "Dyeing to be Thin" was making sense.
So from that point on I tried to do it the right way. It was still a struggle until I realized weight loss wasn't easy nor would it happen over night. After this realization I learned how to count calories and understand better what good calorie was and how to avoid the bad ones. I was making progress but the one thing that was lacking was exercise.

When I was 20 I got engaged and know that this was a day I wanted to feel my best and look fabulous. So I joined a gym and started taking step classes was eating healthy and I was getting results. On my wedding day I felt amazing, I was in the best shape of my life, I weighed in at 125 pounds and I earned it. This was the first time I felt like the real me.

However this was short lived, three months after the wedding I found out I was Pregnant and instead of continuing the healthy patterns I had established I ate anything I wanted and I gain almost 90 pounds. WOW! I was so big I didn't recognize myself in pictures.

It took me a year to get down to 145 pounds but once again I was resorting to unhealthy methods to losing the weight. Also a miscarriage left me feeling depressed and helpless. Fortunately the experience of being hospitalized wasn't something I wanted to do again and my son was more important to me than killing myself. And so I began to make healthy food choices and get back to the gym.

The second time in my life when I was happiest with my weight was in 1998. My brother in law was getting married and I was working hard to get to a goal weight of 130 pounds. I worked hard and was able to get to 135 pound by the big day. I was able to maintain that weight for about 6 months when I found out I was pregnant again.

This time I was determined to eat healthier and keep exercising. I did this until I began to have some medical complication during the pregnancy. I was hospitalized for a sinus infection that spread to my cranium. I lost 25 pound in 3 week while hospitalized but it didn't take long for me to gain it back. I was diagnosed with toxemia and gestational diabetes so needless to say I was big, but I didn't gain as much weight as I did durning my first pregnancy.

During these two times I remember being so proud of myself for how hard I worked. I saw the person I thought I was in the mirror and she was happy. I am trying to get to that place again.....it's been over 12 years since then. I have had mini successes here and there but never like those two events.

I am turning 40 this year (September) and I want to be in the best shape of my life but then. I also have had a goal of running a half marathon by my 40th birthday and I need to do this.

Thanks for reading my post, I hope it help you achieve your goals.
Cheryl

skinnydreams

Thank you for sharing your journey with us...it's a lifelong one truly! I am sure you will find many people here who can relate to your story in many ways, myself being one of them. I wish you the best in staying focused on healthy eating and exercise, I am certain that if you do, you will run that marathon by your 40th!!!

colleenannboyd

Thank you for your honest sharing. You have truly been on a difficult course in your life. I am reading the book "Food, Women and God." It makes a lot of sense. She really talks about the true reason we resort to food for all of our problems. I'm learning a lot and recommend it.

hewhoiscd

You can do it! Grats on starting the journey again

Turning 40 last year was a big wake up call for me. I told myself it wasn't going to get any easier as I got older, so I made the decision to commit NOW to being fit and healthy again. Feel free to friend me and we can help keep each other motivated

jppoynt

...so relate to you! I am a much bigger person at this point than you - but will also be 40 in September. My 40th b-day goal is to run a race called "The Dirty Dog Dash" - I have walked (and walk-ran) 8 half marathons and a full marathon, and decided to do something truly outside my comfort zone (the Dirty Dog is only 3 miles, but you have obstacles - like jumping over fire, & crawling through mud under barbed wire.... nuts, I know!).

When I read your post, it occurred to me that I actually CANNOT recall a time that I was happy with my weight - maybe some time before I was about 7-8 years old?.... Looking back, I should have been happy a few times, but (like your 110 pound time) - was always too fanatical & striving for something that would be ridiculous on my 5'9", fairly large frame.

So congratulations! On setting a healthy "turning 40" goal, on recognizing that the "skinny" times (110 for you) are NOT the ultimate goal..... I have a new mantra on my fridge, one I try to read at least twice per day:

"Today, I am done with reflection. It is time to act.
I've put all fear and any trepidation behind me.
I will now trust my heart and intuition and move forward with a strong belief in all I do and who I am.

I love myself and the person I am, honor the person I've been and yearn for the person I will become.

I am thankful for all the experiences (good AND bad) that have led me to where I am, and wholeheartedly make a commitment to follow the path I am fortunate to be on."

bitty1taz

I too have had ups and downs. As far as gaining a lot of weight during pregnancies...LOL....I went from 115 to 200 when I got pregnant with my son, so I know that feeling.
I'm still struggling 6 years later to get back to at least 130. I almost got there a few months back, but I stopped logging into this site and stopped running...just stopped caring in general. I am now 150 because of it.
I hope you reach your goals and feel free to add me as a friend if you want.
It's always nice to have motivate you and you them.

Scorpiomom222

That was really motivational! I HAVE to say, since it was so long, I almost didn't read, but I'm SOOOO glad I did! I loved every word! I can't relate to binging and purging, but I know addictive nature, and when someone can overcome something that took over their life it's a BIG DEAL!!!! I want to run a half marathon and eventually a full marathon six months apart from each other. My half will be in June. I got pregnant with my first at 16.(21 now) I was really active up until I hit 7 months pregnant. After that, exercise went out the window. I had someone to cater to. Well, being that running can be rather addictive, and I was too lazy and tired to run, I turned to drugs when my son was still an infant.(sooo not proud of this) And I also was very unhappy with my weight. I used this as an excuse to use "recreationally." Well, needless to say, it got out of hand, and by the time my son was 18 months old, he was about to be taken. I started going to meetings, and tried my best to not use. Thing is, I was never happy after I got clean. I felt there was a part of me missing still. I had a void. I spent two more years feeling like this and not knowing what part of me was missing and trying to compensate with food. I had our daughter(who is now 15 months old) and spent 11 months going deeper and deeper, until I was crying darn near everyday because I couldn't figure out why I was so broken and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, inside. So, I wound the clock back, much like you did, to when I was happiest. It was when I was healthy, strong, and active. I just needed to get to a point where I had enough motivation to get there. Thank you for posting. It reminds me of why I came here in the first place, and I was in a sad, sad place when I found this website.

tiger87lilly

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I appreciated it!