Really, really OT, really long, Need advice

SilverVal

Thanks so much EVERYONE for the great advice. For those of you that were harsh, thank you. I needed that.

I just talked to my mom over lunch and she straight up told me that if I wasn't happy I needed to come home.

She said she's all for doing everything in my power to make it work, but if it just doesn't, it just doesn't. The thing about Jim is he's exactly like my father. - That's no bueno.

So here's the plan. I'm going to write him a letter (because if I try to talk to him he'll just get defensive and start yelling at me and I won't get to say everything I want to say). I'm basically going to say "Here is how I'm feeling, this is what I need to change and if you aren't willing to try to change these things, then I feel like we need to spend some time apart." I'm going to do my best to not get into the "If you don't do what I want then I'm leaving you out of spite" kind of thing because, well, lets face it, that'll get me no where.

I'm not sure when i'm going to give it to him, but I feel like the sooner the better before I loose my nerve. I think this is probably the scariest thing I've ever done.

Yes Ia gress it is scarey, I agree with everyone who says counselling, need to get you back in your life and your sons
he sounds very controlling, and as I have learned in my past it can only get worse, I hope he will attend counselling with you or you taking your moms assistance and move back home for now, I almsot died with a controlling man, I am lucky to be alive, we all want you to be okj and your son, he showed no concern that his son was hurt and it was an accident

take care
things in your life will get better, once you take action you are happy with
hugssssssssssssssss fropm someone who was in a similar situation

GravyGurl

One last note... Keep in mind that your BF will probably get worse after he turns 21... alcohol never helps a bad situation. In fact, it only worsens it. My Dad was also an alcohol abuser... still is (and he's 51). :frown:

Good luck to you! :flowerforyou:

Thanks, and trust me, I know how it is when the parents badmouth each other. I come from a broken home that did exactly that. It really screws with the kid. I know first hand.

Thanks alot for you advice!

Sweetheart break the cycle in your family.

Yes, break the cycle. My first marriage was exactly like my dad's and step mothers- drunken fights, beating on each other and then on me when they were mad at each other and the other wasn't around to take it out on.

I married a man that started to put me through the same thing... I took my boys after 13 yrs of marriage and left him so that my boys wouldn't have to stay in that environment and end up treating women like their father did. I wish I would have had the courage to do it sooner than what I did

Change your environment... before your environment changes you :flowerforyou: hugs

Helawat

Men don't change....remember that.

GinaB30

OK guys, I've been wanting to post this and get opinions for like a month now, but I've been too afraid.

This is a really long story.

Ok, so my baby daddy (Jim) and I met in high school, but then didn't see each other for like 3 years then we met again and hit it off and partied together.
There was this other guys I had been madly in love with for like 4 years that wouldn't give me the time of day (or anything other than.. well, you know) and basically one crazy weekend resulted in the blessing that became my little boy. And I didn't know who the father was. Jim was very very angry and felt betrayed by the whole thing (Oh, let me throw this in there, before this he had never been with anyone before and I have... quite a few, really... :blushing: I had a troubled childhood..) Anyway, he decided that if it was his he'd stand up and be a man and take care of him where as the other one wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. Well, I pushed Jim away big time. Finally when I was 6 months pregnant I really realized that I should at least give him half a chance and we've been together every since. (Almost a year and a half) We've been living together for a year and I'm starting to realize some things.

At first he was really, really jumpy about me going places... So i got really used to not going places. I don't have any friends left because of that.

I turned 21 in Jan and he turns 21 next week, but if we're with family or at a restaurant or something, I can't drink... because he can't.

I haven't even been to a bar yet. Because HE'S not 21.

He works as a carpet layer and has SUCH a "physical job" that he shouldn't have to do anything else... every.

I can probably count on one hand how many times he's changed a diaper or fed Owen.

He eats like no one i've ever known before. And REALLY expensive stuff ALL the time. And we're broke and since I handle all the finances.. somehow that's MY fault...

Even when there's no work and he's off... he sits on his patooty all day and plays video games...

He has a temper. It hasn't turned physical, but it's still scary.
Like yesterday... Owen tripped over the cord to his video game and made it flicker, and fell and split his lip open on the coffee table. He's screaming and bleeding all over and Jim's sitting there yelling at him for tripping over the cord calling him stupid and stuff. He's 13 months old!!!! He's only been walking for a month!! It made me sick to my stomache and cry. I just took Owen and got him cleaned up and got him his sippy cup and we just sat in the bedroom for a while and relaxed. Away from mean daddy.

How could you watch your child bleed and be MAD at them for something they can't control? It's just mean.

And the bedroom life.... pretty much non-existant because he's "tired". Yet, somehow he finds the "energy" to enjoy dirty videos.

I love him, I swear I do, but I hate him at the same time.

And the other thing is... I don't really have anywhere else to go. I can't afford to live on my own... My mom's house is packed, although I'm sure if I really needed her to, she'd find room.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so sad about everything. I thought I was going to marry him. Now I'm not so sure.

I just wish he'd change.

The thing about men is....(and no offence to other men! lol Some men are NOT like this) but with my personal experiance it seems like they are at LEAST 5 yrs behind their *actual* age.

For example....he's turning 21? Than he's basically 16...and wanting to live that *teen* life..
My EX-Finace was 23 and mentally, probably 17...in soo many ways!
I think from what you've written...that he probably can change, and he probably WILL once he grows up some more....but is it worth it to stick around and live with this guy who is ALREADY calling a *baby* stupid??
Probably not....
not unless he agrees to some counselling....anger management perhaps?
=o/

kerikitkat

The thing about men is....(and no offence to other men! lol Some men are NOT like this) but with my personal experiance it seems like they are at LEAST 5 yrs behind their *actual* age.

It's not that they are behind THEIR age, it's behind OUR age. My husband when I met him was 23 and I thought he was SO much more mature than the guys my age... but only because he was about the same as I was... lol and we were both equally immature. Now he's 26 and acts like an adult instead of a teenager. Must be why young women seek out men a few years older. To a point anyway!

GinaB30

LOL well yeah, that's pretty much it...LOL
I mean, I was 20 when I met my husband who was 29 and now here we are.....I'm 28 and he's 37 and yeah, he's more like 32 and I'm 23ish maybe LOL

kerrilucko

This is only my opinion but:

Your son, although a beautiful, loved child, was an accident. You said so yourself. You should not have to spend your whole life in misery because of one little bump along the way. If this is his attitude, you need to leave. He isn't physical, but he's still hurting you, and its hurting your son, and that's not ok. If mom can't have you, stay with a friend, stay with an aunt, or apply for help (ie- welfare). You may not be able to afford an amazing place to live, but all you need is a small, clean, safe place to raise your son. Plus if this guy is the dad, he's legally obligated to support his son financially. Maybe at somepoint in the future he will be mature enough and capable enough to properly care for his son.

I wish you lots of luck, and I know it must be very difficult, but taking a break from this situation is really necessary.