wanna laugh?

mamastuck
mamastuck Posts: 131
edited September 23 in Motivation and Support
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM,,,,,,,

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is so mething of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the rest-room. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


Send this to a friend who needs to laugh. We all need a good laugh.

Replies

  • schpanks
    schpanks Posts: 468 Member
    Thanks. And I hope things are looking up for you. :smile:
  • LJ0125
    LJ0125 Posts: 89
    That is hysterical! :laugh:
  • There was nothing truer ever written. Lol. Very funny
  • That is the best thing I have read in forever!! Thanks for the laugh!!!!!
  • sarclu8
    sarclu8 Posts: 3 Member
    Very funny!! Thanks for the laugh!
  • That was great! Thanks for sharing!
  • Thank you! I really needed that laugh today! And now my stomach hurts and my son thinks I've finally gone over the edge. LOL!!! :laugh:

    Now I'm going to go work out with Jillian Michaels - at least her voice doesn't make me want to reach through the TV and punch her in the throat!

    Oh, good grief....I'm still laughing! Woooo.....
  • mem50
    mem50 Posts: 1,384 Member
    LMAO!!!!!!!! Started to chuckle then cackle and DH asks if I was OK. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I so needed a good laugh today!!!!

    P.S. I pry would have pitched the ***** in the pool. After a month long recovery time of course!
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