insecure spouses

rhodes2b

It seems as if my husbands insecurities are starting to really come out.

When I married my husband in 06, I was 100 pounds lighter. I gained most of my weight under the influence of rich foods and I stopped smoking. He gained 50 and I gained 100. We liked to eat!

I started my weightloss journey in october. And now I am almost half way to my goal. The unfortunate issue is that my husband seems to be wondering what why I am doing this. I explain my medical issue and my chance of having a heart attack, but he seems to be getting more and more insecure.

Recently, we are starting to argue over fidelity. Keep in mind...I am 100% faithful. I do not dress remotely sexy. I literally come home from the gym all sticky and sweaty. I haven't changed anything ouside of my weight.

Has anyone had this happen? Any advice? I love him, but refuse to tolerate the questions about fidelity.within my marriage. If he can't trust me, we shouldn't be married. The longer this continues the more angry I am getting.

HELP!

Warmbloodwear

Good for you on the 46 pounds lost!!! Its a tough situation and I know how you feel. I just don't know what to tell you other than hang in there and whats meant to be will be. I send hugs your way cause its not fun

Ashley_Panda

You just need to be straight up with him. I'm not cheating, if I wanted someone else I would let you know. I'm doing this for me and no one else, not even you. Accept it or get ya' *kitten* gone.


I'm also a little blunt.

ouryear002

That must be so hurtful. Maybe he is afraid that you will not be attracted to him when you are in shape and he is not? Will he eat health and work out with you? Maybe if this is something you can do together, he will be more supportive. He may feel like he is being cut out of a part of your life. I would make sure you are showing appreciation for him when he is supportive or helpful (not that you are at fault in any way. It just seems like sometimes my hubby needs a "cookie" even when I want to whack him with a baseball bat!) Ultimately, you and your health deserve the effort. You have already done amazing work!

Kminor67

I suggest inviting him to join you at the gym. If he chooses not to go, that's his problem... but if he thinks that you're cheating while you're there, inviting him might help. If it doesn't help, I suggest marriage counseling. If you and your husband are members of a church, your pastor will usually help for free. Good luck sweetie!

BriannaSkye

Ive been in the same place and believe my weight loss of 75lbs was the reason my marriage went bad. Although I am now happier with my current Husband and so excited to be with him for the rest of my ilfe. Try getting him into the weight loss/working out aswell. Ask him to join you at the gym and then you can have a breakfast date after. THe more he feels wanted and included the less insecure he will hopefully be.

skinnyminnie

I would say to try to understand where he might be coming from - not that he's right - but trying to understand may say a lot to him about your intentions here. He may need reassurance that you are not making these changes because somehow your lives together up to this point 'haven't been good enough' - he may be feeling like you are sick of him or something. Can you try inviting him to go with you when you go work out? He'll probably say no but it might reassure him that you want him to be a part of this process.
I'm really not saying he's right - and you do have a valid reason to be frustrated - but it's worth working at, even when it's difficult.

jram70

Not to defend him, but a desire to get in shape especially when not shared by the spouse is a one of the indicators of an affair either happening or about to. You need to involve him in your weight loss so he can see it is for you (and consequently him) and not someone else.

rrand85

Maybe make him part of the experience, set him up on here and bring him to the gym with you ( I had a man like that, he just felt left out).
How ever somethimes you just want to do some things for yourself and thats what happened for me and we didn't last. But if it's important to you bring him into it more:)

lilRicki

I have a sneeky suspicion my fiance is going to be the same way...since I've started busting my butt (after he told me i've gained weight since we've been together) he constantly b!tches about how he's getting fat...especially when I talk about my working out or eating. He's already wondering why I've chosen him, but hasn't really worried about it all that much...now that I'm getting smaller he says things like "don't cheat on me at the office" or "who's your new boyfriend"...it's dumb...he thinks he's just joking but it sounds like he's hurt...I have offered to take him to the gym...or play kinect downstairs, I even do the grocery shopping so he doesn't get to eat tons of crap...but he's always tired or his back hurts...so eff him...I'm going to be tiny for our wedding...and if his self esteem doesn't change, I'll just snap out on him.

jadee76

Be honest and straightforward.

This is for you and your health and your well-being.

If you wanted to have someone else, weight is not the issue, morality is.

If there is no trust, there is a problem.

Wish you the best, don't give up!

kac7700

My husband has been the same way, but doesn't accuse me of cheating. He just subtly tries to sabotage everything. When I quit smoking, he asked for a divorce, sat the kids down and explained to them we were splitting up, and the next day came crying to me that he was jealous of my success and didn't want a divorce. He was insecure when I graduated college, and he gets more and more reclusive the more and more I go out and do things. But I had to just keep on my life. If he wants to sit in the garage, drink beer and smoke, fine. But I'm not choosing to do that. He's jealous of my running group, jealous of my weight loss. It's hard.

I just invite him to everything. I invite him to the gym, to running group (he can ride his bike, doesn't have to run), invite him to happy hour, community events, etc. He calmed down a lot when I started doing that. Yeah, he pouted here and there ("What am I going to do if you're going to xyz?") but I had to learn to not let that get to me. A lot of times now when I invite him and he says no, when he realizes I'm leaving without him, he changes his mind and tags along!

I do agree with others here, you have to get some help if it's that bad. Get counseling. You can't change him, but he has to know that he's destroying the relationship and and has to be up to him to change.

CelesteENelson

I feel your frustration. My husband married me when I was my heaviest. He is 6 ft 2 and wears a 32 inch waist in pants so far from heavy at all. Ive had a child and have become a stay at home mom. Now that I am busting my hump to get into shape because I am sick of myself and cant do the things with my son that Id like to do, he too thought something was up. It helps a little that since I am a stay at home mom that I can go to the gym during the day and it doesnt direction affect him. Though I do find that he is more trying about food. He makes cookies or wants me to cook unhealthy meals. He is trying to sink my ship damn it! I dont like it and I tell him how he makes me feel and what he is doing. He gets really apologetic and tries to fix it which only helps for a while. i feel your pain and as many times as Ive invited him to the gym he wont go because he doesnt think he needs to. I have found other ways of showing my husbands its for him. It all occurs in the bedroom, well most of it. But after losing 74 lbs I will curl up in his lap (never sat in his lap before), I get a little more frisky and feisty in bed. Or while he is cooking I'll bite on his neck something to show him that my desires are for him. I really hope that this makes sense. It is very hard for them to understand. I flat out told my husband one day that I feel like he only married me because I was fat. Otherwise he would have been happy just to keep dating me. I wasnt attractive enough to catch other mens eyes so no threat of me leaving him. He admitted that it was true. Broke my heart. I cried but it explains a lot. He was burned badly before though never married. Unfortunately you cant change him but if you reassure him where your passion lies he may handle it better. I hope this helps.

Congrats on the weight loss and keep working it. Dont give up for anything or anyone !

superwmn

You may need counseling. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I've seen one spouse who IS being unfaithful constantly accusing the non-cheating spouse.

I hope he's just being temporarily insecure and will trust you 100% soon. That's the only way a marriage can work.

Charmagne

Fat_Chopper

Tell the sook to grow up, what a tool!

You're any easy target and he's taking advantage.

Get rid of the boy and go find a man.

Katz85340

It seems as if my husbands insecurities are starting to really come out.

When I married my husband in 06, I was 100 pounds lighter. I gained most of my weight under the influence of rich foods and I stopped smoking. He gained 50 and I gained 100. We liked to eat!

I started my weightloss journey in october. And now I am almost half way to my goal. The unfortunate issue is that my husband seems to be wondering what why I am doing this. I explain my medical issue and my chance of having a heart attack, but he seems to be getting more and more insecure.

Recently, we are starting to argue over fidelity. Keep in mind...I am 100% faithful. I do not dress remotely sexy. I literally come home from the gym all sticky and sweaty. I haven't changed anything ouside of my weight.

Has anyone had this happen? Any advice? I love him, but refuse to tolerate the questions about fidelity.within my marriage. If he can't trust me, we shouldn't be married. The longer this continues the more angry I am getting.

HELP!

Oh I know this oh so well. I've been overweight for most of marriage. Before we got married I was small and then got pregnant and gained 70 lbs.! Since then I've been a yo yo; up and down, up and down. Now, I've finally getting the weight off for good and he sees the attention I'm getting. Everyone compliments me but him (but he's always been that way, so I don' t really care). I started feeling good about myself, so I've been dressing nicer and even wearing makeup and perfume from time to time. I know he likes this change but he doesn't like that everyone else likes the change too.

I see a psychiatrist about every 6 weeks or so for depression and he asked me on our last visit how my husband was handling the weight loss. He even said to expect my hubby to get jealous and I told him I fully expected it based on past experiences with him when I was smaller. The first time he got jealous was this past November when he mistook something that his older son said about me commenting on his FB profile. He even called me and tried to accuse me of doing something inappropriate with his son! His son! I had to laugh inside because I knew this would be coming but really?! I actually had to have my 15 year old reread the comment from FB so that my husband got it in the right context. He finally let it go but never admitted he was wrong nor did he apologize. Expected.

I have never been unfaithful to my husband. Even since his prostrate cancer six years ago which left him impudent (sp?). I love him no matter what and we've been through way too much for this to be a road block in our marriage. I am losing weight because the doctor told me if I didn't, I'd die at an early age. I don't want to die right now! I want to live and enjoy my children and my first grandchild (born this past September)!

I know this is going to be a problem with us and anyone out there who thinks it won't be a problem for them somewhere along the weight loss journey, is wrong. The key is communication and possibly counseling if it gets bad. Mind you, I've know my husband for over 20 years, and yes, he should know me better than to think I'd be unfaithful after all we've been through but I guess it's only human nature to get a little insecure. I guess you have to imagine what it would feel like if the shoe were on the other foot.

Have you tried getting him to do the weight loss journey with you? Maybe he should start going to the gym with you and workout too! Involve him as much as possible so he feels he's a part of your success. I hate to say this but men, (not all men guys out there MFP land), need their egos stroked more than women do. It's just a fact of life. You have to make them feel wanted and needed and that they are still attractive to you regardless of your or their appearance; that is if that's what you still want. Maybe after you lose the weight, your desires changed too. Huh? (When people lose a lot of weight and started getting attention and feel good about themselves, if is not uncommon for them to change how they feel about their significant other...just putting that out there because in all honesty, it happens all the time!) If that's the case, and you want to save your marriage, counseling is definitely in order.

I hope this helps...

Jizes318

Wow listening to your story and a few others I pray my marriage does not face this. My husband is the jealous type but I have made him a part of this with me so I don't think it will. We do it together and It is wonderful. Can you involve your husband? I think if you did and you guys became a team working at a goal he may stop. Make him feel like you need him to help you and motivate each other. Guys like to feel needed.

Katz85340

My husband has been the same way, but doesn't accuse me of cheating. He just subtly tries to sabotage everything. When I quit smoking, he asked for a divorce, sat the kids down and explained to them we were splitting up, and the next day came crying to me that he was jealous of my success and didn't want a divorce. He was insecure when I graduated college, and he gets more and more reclusive the more and more I go out and do things. But I had to just keep on my life. If he wants to sit in the garage, drink beer and smoke, fine. But I'm not choosing to do that. He's jealous of my running group, jealous of my weight loss. It's hard.

I just invite him to everything. I invite him to the gym, to running group (he can ride his bike, doesn't have to run), invite him to happy hour, community events, etc. He calmed down a lot when I started doing that. Yeah, he pouted here and there ("What am I going to do if you're going to xyz?") but I had to learn to not let that get to me. A lot of times now when I invite him and he says no, when he realizes I'm leaving without him, he changes his mind and tags along!

I do agree with others here, you have to get some help if it's that bad. Get counseling. You can't change him, but he has to know that he's destroying the relationship and and has to be up to him to change.

Exactly! Well said!

kicklikeaGIRL

I'm sorry to hear this! And Congrats on your weightloss!!

You are doing the right thing by trying to get healthy. I could spend an hour listing off the benefits of being healthy... and I applaud you for making the decision. Has your husband made the decision in his own life to be healthier?? If he's gained 50 pounds since you got married, I'm guessing he falls into an "overweight" category? Do you think your husband is insecure about the relationship because he's insecure with his own weight and health choices??

My husband wasn't considered overweight when I made the decision to step-up my healthy lifestyle, but he wasn't healthy. He didn't understand why I would take an hour of my day to dedicate to fitness. He didn't realize how unhealthy he was until a routine doctor visit. His cholesterol was very bad, and his blood pressure was high. I sat him down and said that I wanted him to be healthy with me because I wanted to spend my life with him....and I asked him if he would do the journey with me. I would take him to the gym with me or take him running. While I really am the type of person who likes to work out all alone (MY time to destress)--I realized he needed my help and he needed to know that I was really doing this for me and for our family.

How would your husband react if you invited him to go to the gym with you? Or join in the healthy eating and make his own goals? Maybe they aren't weightloss goals, if he doesn't need to lose weight.

He needs to understand that you need this in your life to be happy. Your happiness should be important to him. And feeling good in your body by doing the healthy thing will help you to achieve that happiness, and he should embrace that. "When there's a happy wife, there's a happy hubby. "...or so the saying goes.

swisspea

I have a sneeky suspicion my fiance is going to be the same way...since I've started busting my butt (after he told me i've gained weight since we've been together) he constantly b!tches about how he's getting fat...especially when I talk about my working out or eating. He's already wondering why I've chosen him, but hasn't really worried about it all that much...now that I'm getting smaller he says things like "don't cheat on me at the office" or "who's your new boyfriend"...it's dumb...he thinks he's just joking but it sounds like he's hurt...I have offered to take him to the gym...or play kinect downstairs, I even do the grocery shopping so he doesn't get to eat tons of crap...but he's always tired or his back hurts...so eff him...I'm going to be tiny for our wedding...and if his self esteem doesn't change, I'll just snap out on him.

I can see the beginnings of this jealousy in my relationship!

I'm happy I read this thread, I'll have a nice re-assuring talk with my partner tonight. His insecurities come from his own recent weight gain and the fact that we are so far apart right now. He's very good and rational about it, but I'll make sure to have a good chat when we're skyping tonight.

BigBoneSista

He just thinks that once you become this slender person that you will not love him because he is still over weight. If the shoe was on the other foot you might have the same insecurities. You might not verbalize them the same way but they would be there.

Don't get mad at him...matter of fact take it as a compliment. My husband thinks that I'm so beautiful that I might leave him if another man tries to get my attention. Wow I must be looking good.

I'm no marriage counselor but I've been with my husband for 13 years. Marriage isn't easy. You have to give a lot of yourself even when you don't think the other person is doing the same.

My suggestion: Every time he brings that up I would walk up to him and look him dead in his eyes and say you know what I love you and give him a big fat kiss. Anything he says after the kiss regarding cheating I would put my earmuffs on. You know the problem isn't you. You know its him so lets try to help him get over his problem...not on your time though. You have to allow him to come around.

My 2 cents. Good luck.