Loosing weight for... love?

FrenchCanuck

I was never lucky in love.... and obviously its because of my weight. People always tell me "be patient and the one will come.." just to comfort me but we all know its not true. If men are disgusted by your physical appearence now, how will waiting make it better? Its BS if you ask me. How come everybody else gets a chance at love gettting dates left and right and I never get asked out? Its been five years since my last date, is "the one" located in China? Guys ignored my existence in high school, guys in college "just wanted to be friends" but dated the prettier girls, now in the adult world im the girl in the group that always goes home alone.

I tried dating websites, but that only makes you feel worse about yourself! The ones I attract are those who drink alcohol excessively, likes to get high and has no job. This is what you attract when you're chubby. Its like being told in the face you're not worthy of having a decent man in your life, you're stuck with the low-lifes because youre fat.

So, if it means improving my dating life by loosing weight, then so shall I lose thy weight. Because if it continues like this, ill never know what love is, ill never know how it feels like to have someone care for you, ill never be able to have a familly.

I hope some people out there feel the same as me... because none of my familly & friends understands.

pinstripepirate

Although the main reasons I want to lose weight are to be healthy and happy with myself... AMEN!! Yes, yes, yes, I agree with you 100%. I've never tried online dating because of the reasons you listed, but the only men that hit on me are over the age of 35 (I am 22) or drunk. Sometimes both. Usually they're strange and/or creepy.

I'm taking the time while I lose the weight I need/want to lose for myself. I am not actively looking for a guy, I don't really care right now. This is me time. And then when I get where I want to be, I'm going to be very picky about who I spend my time with!

bbygrl5

I'm sorry for your unfortunate luck dating. That being said, I clicked on your profile and looked at your pics. :noway: I'm surprised you don't have guys lined-up!! ....and I'm not the type of person that gives out warm fuzzy compliments to people just to make them feel better. I really mean it. You're a beauty. Perhaps you just need to work on your confidence and putting yourself out there a little more.

DanitaM

I know exactly how you feel. Its been two years since my last date....

wendyannvantiem

Hi! I felt the same way years ago. I met my husband when I was chubby and no one ever looked my way but he said he loved me the moment he saw me : ) We are now married and have a kid together and let me tell ya it was worth the wait for him! I know you are frustrated now but you are beautiful and will find someone! Plus you always have to weed out the bad ones before you get the best one. I'm not the best at advice and I know you don't know me but I really know how ya feel. Part of my child hood sucked cause I was the fat girl. Things have finally gotten better though : ) I hope we can chat more, feel free to add me if ya want.

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Wendy

Amb1976

oh hun, thats not true....there is some guy out there looking for you....the answer to your quest doesnt lie in loosing weight...the answer is right under your nose and your overlooking it....its when we dont look for love that it finds us...and you wont find love until you can love yourself....i know how cliche that sounds...but its true...i wasnt looking for a man when i met my husband...we moved into the same apartments together....actually, he noticed me before i noticed him!....the only reason you should want to loose weight is for yourself....i know my profile talks about my hubby alot, but we as a couple have been thru alot and it had nothing to do with my weight....i chose to loose weight for him, but in the end its actually for me...i like attention....im not too proud to admit it...especially from him....sweetie...if this is what you want to do for you, then by all means....DO IT...if it helps put all that frustration into your workout to push you forward...thats what ive been doing....and its a great motivator....think of it this way also if it helps....you are loosing the weight for you, so that when you go up to one of those guys who turned you down....YOU get to turn your back on him and say...."ya didnt like me before....you didnt see the beauty inside....your not good enough for me...." and leave him there....you dont want a man obsessed with looks, because you will never be able to keep up...there will ALWAYS no matter how skinny you are, be another woman more beautiful, with a bigger rack, nicer curves, longer hair....SOMETHING...thats the truth of it....you have to find the strength and beauty in yourself....because if your doing it for someone else....it wont work.....best wishes for you....we can only support you as much as you let us...:flowerforyou: :brokenheart:

newsammy11

I completely agree. I always get the "you are too good of a friend" BS. Or as said, the creepers. The last date I had was a total prick and just wanted to make out the entire time, sorry I am not sleazy.

I am losing weight for myself but if it helps in the dating department, awesome because right now it is non existent.

CelesteENelson

I am really and truely sorry you feel this way but I can tell you I felt the same way for a long long time. I dated my brothers friend in high school well atleast that is what i called it. he wouldnt tell anyone we were together but he sure liked to try to crawl between my sheets after school every day. it wasnt until i started dropping weight recently that I realized the problems that caused me in my life. it caused me a complex of if my boyfriend, spouse, whatever wasnt physically showing me attention then he obviously didnt love me. Which in turn caused problems in my marriage. Yes I did get married. I married the first man that asked me whether I was certain I wanted to be with him the rest of my life. That is a hard thing to admit. I only had maybe 6 boyfriends my whole life and the last one I married. So my situation is very similar to yours but taken down a different path. I met my husband in a yahoo chat room when I was 19 and he was 31. Yes there is a 12 year age difference between us.That was in 2001. We married April 2003. This April 2011 will be 8 years we have been married. Do I regret my decision of marrying him? Most of the time, No. Other times, Yes. But I love my husband very much. But I do question my rushing into it just for the acceptance, and that should never be a question in anyones mind.

Many told me before that until you love yourself no one will see you for who you are and love you. So my thought is, if you think you are losing weight for love, you are. You are losing weight so you will love yourself. With that love comes confidence and strength. With that you will open your own eyes to more people around you and will open yourself up to meeting new people and maybe even finding love.

I hope this helps. If you want to talk more feel free to message me or even add me as a friend. I feel your pain and I am very sorry and really wish it wasnt that way.

FrenchCanuck

im happy you understand. i too get a lot of creppy old men hitting on me. i dont understand why guys my age avoid me like the plague.

and i also agree with you on " And then when I get where I want to be, I'm going to be very picky about who I spend my time with! " because right now, even the so called "nice guys" and other chubby men like myself ignores me but gives full attention to petite girls. But when the tables will turn, theyll give attention to me .. and if i refuse them, ill be labelled as "superficial".

I am doing that "me" time. Ive been doing this "me" thing for a long time now. Would be nice to come home to somebody. Everybody else around me has a partner, im always single. But, im not crying about it each night or stopping myself to do things i like just because i dont have a partner, im just saying that it isnt fair...

00trayn

I can definitely relate to how you feel. I was in the same boat a year ago, just got out of college, never dated all thru high school or college, and I was generally only getting any luck with rare one night stands with no potential. I'm not gonna lie, it's helped a lot losing weight, and it's definitely the confidence that comes with it. Even if you don't lose a pound, it really helps to be confident about how you look, whether you're a size 14 or a size 4. I took 6 months of trying to figure out what I wasn't happy with, while losing weight at the same time, and I ended up meeting my current boyfriend in October. I had lost 60 pounds at that point, but my confidence was amazing in comparison to college. So, don't focus on getting guys as your motivation to lose weight. Focus on how you present yourself to other people and whether you're happy with yourself. It's the best place to start, and the guys will definitely take notice!

EDIT: Also, don't discount older men. I'm 24... my boyfriend is 31. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Older guys just tend to be less shallow and more put together in life (not saying it's a rule, just an observation). I get along so much better with my boyfriend than I do with guys my age, it's just a maturity thing.

ElizabethDante

I understand what your saying ! But i think your so beautiful !!! I have many friends who currently weight way more than you look like you do and they seem to all have guys! Unlike me! haha You look tall aswell!

My mum always used to tell me because I was tall and black haired and mysterious looking that boys and men "were intimidated by me" i like to remember those words!

Also I think confidence plays a huge part in meeting people, whether its online, out dancing or in your local town!

aeevr

Pretty much everyone is unlucky in love. The most beautiful people, actors and models, seem to be unluckiest of all. How many celebrities maintain long term relationships? Undoubtedly, even less than normal people.

It only take ONE time to get it right. Do you know what I mean? The day you meet the one, that is day this journey ends.

I'm 35 and I am currently in the only relationship in my life that lasted more than 11 months (2.5 years now and going strong). I waited a looooong time.

Also, I can also tell you from personal experience that losing weight does not magically improve social anxiety issues and it does not make you confident.

Lose weight to be healthy and strong. See a shrink to learn how to cope.

pinstripepirate

I'm sorry for your unfortunate luck dating. That being said, I clicked on your profile and looked at your pics. :noway: I'm surprised you don't have guys lined-up!! ....and I'm not the type of person that gives out warm fuzzy compliments to people just to make them feel better. I really mean it. You're a beauty. Perhaps you just need to work on your confidence and putting yourself out there a little more.

I did the same exact thing after posting my response and I completely agree!

elzettel

First off...you are WAY TOO HARD on yourself!! Second, if someone values you soley for your appearance than it isn't love. If you plan on changing yourself to try and fit into some ideal that you think someone else wants then it'll never work. You need to take on this lifestyle change, journey or whatever you want to call it because it is the best for YOU! I've dated nice guys, some not so nice guys and had some dry spells...I think we've all been there at one point or another. The bottom line is if you don't think you deserve any better why should anyone else? Focus on doing things for you because you deserve to be treated well and with respect by someone who accepts you as you. If that means becoming healthier, fantastic. Maybe take an art class (or whatever interests you) or maybe some volunteer work. Having a positive and healthy attitude about yourself is like a magnet and people will take notice. I will never be a size 0. I will never be 5' 7" and leggy and alas, after a baby, parts of me will never be as, ahem, perky as they once were. Everyone has good days and bad days. None the less, I am the one, the only and the best ME the world will ever see!

I'm sure you're friends and family would agree that you are a bright spot in their lives. As for the rest...I say it's their loss!

FrenchCanuck

Thanks everyone! its good to hear people understands your point of view and tells it like it is. I was tired of having sugar coated answers from people who doesnt understand.

I do feel im very pretty, but its true im hard on myself and dont have a lot of confidence. Its attributed by many things (mainly my familly and years of rejection from boys), but i think i will feel better about myself once i lose weight. Maybe a spark of confidence will ward off the evil unrespectful ones away.

00trayn

I've found that confidence attracts some undesirable guys as well, but the new-found confidence is useful in promptly putting them in their place. I had one guy come up to me literally 5 seconds after my boyfriend went to the bathroom! It was hysterical and I happily shot him down. That's the benefit of confidence, you can be more picky I let my boyfriend win me over the first night, when in the past I would have been trying SO hard to impress any guy who'd pay attention to me. It's a lot more telling when a guy has to fight for you At least now I know he's genuinely interested and that he really cares about me.

30tips

Have you watched Drop Dead Diva? You might also want to check out a blog on here about Faticia: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/VictorianJade?month=201101
Hey, maybe you can write a blog about how you find a good date! Who knows! Like what you can do to find someone... all the ideas of how to find Mr. Right as you dodge the unhealthy options....
You see, the good news is you don´t have to wait until you lose weight to gain confidence... You can slowly gain it now and it will even help you lose weight... (!)

SmartFunGorgeous

I'm losing weight to love myself, but if you read my profile, it says that I am single because I chose to be single. Reading through all these posts made me think about that statement. The sad truth is, there are very few men out there I'd be interested in, because I have such high standards. Some people suggest maybe too high. And if they're that high for someone else, imagine how high they are for myself. I've been thinking about that. Are they too high for myself and that's why I'm an emotional eater? Because I never can reach them? I don't know. I do know that I didn't set out on this journey in order to find or impress a man. It's all about me feeling good about myself and loving myself. I'm sick of who I've become. I want to be ME again. I want to be involved in life, not hiding out all the time. Your post made me wonder- have I been deluding myself about a desire for a relationship? Well, all I know is that right now it is all about me, and if dealing with all my inner demons makes it possible for me to fall in love someday, great. And if not, that's fine too. I just want to love myself

LorinaLynn

Pretty much everyone is unlucky in love. The most beautiful people, actors and models, seem to be unluckiest of all. How many celebrities maintain long term relationships? Undoubtedly, even less than normal people.

It only take ONE time to get it right. Do you know what I mean? The day you meet the one, that is day this journey ends.

I'm 35 and I am currently in the only relationship in my life that lasted more than 11 months (2.5 years now and going strong). I waited a looooong time.

Also, I can also tell you from personal experience that losing weight does not magically improve social anxiety issues and it does not make you confident.

Lose weight to be healthy and strong. See a shrink to learn how to cope.

Every word of this. Ask Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston or Sandra Bullock. Being thin isn't a magic wand. Someone who's a (searching for appropriate word that won't be censored...) jackwagon will be a jackwagon no matter what you look like.

Now go to the mall and people watch. Look at the couples holding hands. Most of them are just average normal people. The right guy will love you for who you are, not what size jeans you wear.

I met my husband online, eleven years ago. At the time, I was pretty close to skinny. And 90% of the responses to my ads were... off. Either weirdo creepy pervs, people from halfway across the globe, people who obviously didn't read any of the text of the profile, people old enough to be my father, or young enough to date my nieces, or ones who just wrote, "I'm writing because you're pretty." Flattering, yeah, but I have SOOOOO much personality, I wanted someone who'd appreciate THAT, not the genetics I have no control over.

My husband's first words to me were, "Wow. I think you might be stranger than me." :laugh: He was someone who GOT me. He appreciated my quirks and eccentricities. It's still out for debate on who is stranger. I mean... I'm borderline crazy cat lady, but he's the allergic asthmatic who agreed to live with 7 cats! And we do have frequent discussions about what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse. (Hole up in the grocery store with an attached liquor store.)

What it sounds like you need is a healthy dose of confidence. Getting on a fitness kick and attaining new goals would do that. I know starting Couch to 5k has bolstered my self-image a ton. But do it for YOU, not for anyone else. The rest will fall into place.

FutureMsFit

Dear, dear...I'm thinking of how to address this...

You are beautiful. I looked at your picture, so I know this for a fact. It is so hard for me to believe that you've not had very much luck in the love department. I believe everything you get in life is a direct reflection of what you put into it. There are many, many guys who obviously didn't know what they were looking for when they passed you up...shame on them...and I feel sorry for them.

I have struggled my entire teenage/adult life with being overweight. I would lose and I would gain, I would starve myself and complain to my doctor...you know, all the things you feel you need to do to try and convince yourself it's time to start eating right and losing weight. I had four pregnancies and three healthy boys...so I've gained and lost a lot of weight over the years.

1995 I weighed 162
1998 I weighed 168
2000 I weighed 242
2002 I weighed 242 and then lost to 187
2004 I weighed 230
2007 I weighed 220
2008 I weighed 218
Now I weigh 226...I started on MFP on 1/1/11 at 240.

now you see what I mean by ups and downs...

I have a wonderful boyfriend, he doesn't care what I weigh, but he's simply adorable and I care what I weigh when I'm standing next to him...I care what I look like, what I'm wearing, if my hair's perfect and if I have make-up on. I am on MFP for that reason. I care about me. He makes me want to be a better person, inside and out. He's seen me at my heaviest (242) and at the lightest I've been for the last 10 years (187)...his opinion of me has never changed. I guess what I'm really trying to say. If you're losing weight because you want a man to love you, then you're not doing it for the right reason. Any man who would only love you when you're thin and fit isn't worth your time. Everyone should invest into their health, but darlin' the investment should be selfish...it should be for you.

Please don't take what I said wrong...you really are beautiful...OWN IT!

JohnnyNull

If I may. I disagree with your premise. There are people that are morbidly obese that find someone.

If love were as easy as: Getting fit = Love, life would be just so much simpler!

If losing weight makes you feel better for YOU, then that's awesome. It brings health and confidence. I would not say it will lead you to happiness. (A roll in the hay, sure ;-) )

When I met my fiancée, it was the wildest, dumbest level of wild, dumb luck ever. And I was at the time quite the fat little man. Seriously. Most people I've seen on this site would look like someone from a third-world country standing next to me.

It does happen. It does take time. At the risk of sounding like a dopey self-help dweeb, I'd say be a little gentle with yourself for a while. Don't beat yourself up. Many of us (most of us?) have been at some time where you are.

I hope I made just a little sense, and maybe gave a slightly different viewpoint.

And if people don't understand you, it's because you're not anywhere near as overweight as you see yourself. And you're cute. Breathe.