Write it All Down... && Burn that #%*@
THISisTARRAN
Posts: 487 Member
Just a little insight, thought I would share, it might help someone:
I am sure you have seen the shows where they write everything that hurt them, or whatever on a piece of paper and then burn it. I always thought that was SO silly. Growing up a lot of things happened to me and burning a piece of paper isn't going to make me feel "free" or whatever. Or...so I thought. Stay with me here.
About a week or two ago I started to go through a lot of "moments". A "moment" to me is a time when something happens, someone says something, or something just 'clicks' and it changes you...forever. The one I'm talking about here is when I realized I was punishing myself for all of my mistakes in the past. In other words I was holding myself back!! I really was, and probably still am, because I'm still working on it.
Here is what was going through my mind: Alright, SO when I was 16, maybe 17 years old, I had BIIIIIG dreams, high hopes, all these ideas about how MY life was going to be. OF COURSE, I was perfect, so nothing was going to stop me. Fast Forward: I'm 25 and I realize, life is NOT that simple. You can't just write everything down and tell yourself you are going to do it and hate yourself for ever if something goes wrong? I mean I hated myself because I dropped out of high school, because I got involved with abusive people, because I allowed people to hurt me, because I didn't finish school, because I gained weight...The list goes on. So then I started thinking about this as a plan. The plan I developed when I was 17 was as follows: Go to school get a degree in sociology, communications, and Spanish. (All three full bachelors, no minors). Marry at 25, have children at 30, I wanted to travel every year (a different country), be fluent in 5 languages (I'm 3 short), I wanted a 5 bedroom house with a garage and a boat. Now according the that plan, I'm a reaaaaaaaaaaaal loser.
I hated myself because I messed everything up, I made bad decisions and chose the wrong paths, I just did everything wrong, and because of that I couldn't move forward. NO joke: In the past 2 to 3 years my life hasn't really changed (except for having the most amazing baby and getting the most amazing boyfriend). I'm still at the same place in my education, pretty much the same position at my job... gained like 70 pounds and keep 'trying' to lose it. I despised myself and thought I was a failure and therefore nulling my ability to move forward/develop in my life. Then the moment happened: One morning, about a week ago I was getting ready for work and the thought just hit me...
THAT PLAN IS VOID!!! I mean I was 17, I didn't KNOW anything. Oh believe, I thought I did, but I didn't. So since I've decided, I need a NEW plan. I've been developing one. It doesn't matter what I was going to do, or should have done. That part of my life is over all I can do is control the future. So I'm 25 and I'm writing a new plan and I'm burning the old one!!
...I hope no one takes this wrong and thinks I'm saying don't have big dreams or anything. I am not saying that, I'm saying forgive yourself for the past and move forward. Make love to the future!
I am sure you have seen the shows where they write everything that hurt them, or whatever on a piece of paper and then burn it. I always thought that was SO silly. Growing up a lot of things happened to me and burning a piece of paper isn't going to make me feel "free" or whatever. Or...so I thought. Stay with me here.
About a week or two ago I started to go through a lot of "moments". A "moment" to me is a time when something happens, someone says something, or something just 'clicks' and it changes you...forever. The one I'm talking about here is when I realized I was punishing myself for all of my mistakes in the past. In other words I was holding myself back!! I really was, and probably still am, because I'm still working on it.
Here is what was going through my mind: Alright, SO when I was 16, maybe 17 years old, I had BIIIIIG dreams, high hopes, all these ideas about how MY life was going to be. OF COURSE, I was perfect, so nothing was going to stop me. Fast Forward: I'm 25 and I realize, life is NOT that simple. You can't just write everything down and tell yourself you are going to do it and hate yourself for ever if something goes wrong? I mean I hated myself because I dropped out of high school, because I got involved with abusive people, because I allowed people to hurt me, because I didn't finish school, because I gained weight...The list goes on. So then I started thinking about this as a plan. The plan I developed when I was 17 was as follows: Go to school get a degree in sociology, communications, and Spanish. (All three full bachelors, no minors). Marry at 25, have children at 30, I wanted to travel every year (a different country), be fluent in 5 languages (I'm 3 short), I wanted a 5 bedroom house with a garage and a boat. Now according the that plan, I'm a reaaaaaaaaaaaal loser.
I hated myself because I messed everything up, I made bad decisions and chose the wrong paths, I just did everything wrong, and because of that I couldn't move forward. NO joke: In the past 2 to 3 years my life hasn't really changed (except for having the most amazing baby and getting the most amazing boyfriend). I'm still at the same place in my education, pretty much the same position at my job... gained like 70 pounds and keep 'trying' to lose it. I despised myself and thought I was a failure and therefore nulling my ability to move forward/develop in my life. Then the moment happened: One morning, about a week ago I was getting ready for work and the thought just hit me...THAT PLAN IS VOID!!! I mean I was 17, I didn't KNOW anything. Oh believe, I thought I did, but I didn't. So since I've decided, I need a NEW plan. I've been developing one. It doesn't matter what I was going to do, or should have done. That part of my life is over all I can do is control the future. So I'm 25 and I'm writing a new plan and I'm burning the old one!!
...I hope no one takes this wrong and thinks I'm saying don't have big dreams or anything. I am not saying that, I'm saying forgive yourself for the past and move forward. Make love to the future!
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Replies
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Brilliant! Way to go Tarran!
Your dreams at 17 sound so much like mine... amazing accomplishments but not much substance. I'm 47 now and have revisited my dreams and goals on a regular basis. If I look where I am compared to where I thought I would be, I'm nowhere near. On the other hand, I have this incredible life and I enjoy every minute. I'm learning to live in the NOW and enjoy little things that occur all the time. I wouldn't trade my life today for ANY part of what I dreamed for when I was 17! Good job realizing how to do this at your young age!0 -
I AGREE!!0
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It's funny how something just clicks that yea we messed up- here we are at 25 nowhere near what we thought we'd be- but a lot of other things in our lives happened and now we're here- with the right attitude to better ourselves, because we do deserve to be happy. Below is a quote from one of my favorite weight loss story blogs- it makes so much sense... we have to want this for ourselves, really love ourselves again. Best of luck to you!
"Never, ever start “dieting” until you’ve done the inside work first. You’ve got to answer these questions first: Why do I want to lose weight? Is it out of self-loathing or self-love? If the answer is self-loathing, a diet won’t work. If you don’t love the “you” that’s 200, 300 or 400 pounds, you can’t take care of yourself the way you need and deserve to as you’re losing weight. Learning to love yourself—or at least care enough to work toward loving yourself—is key to successful weight loss."- LynnsWeigh.blogspot.com0 -
Marvelous insight......why indeed it seems you may have had an epiphany....thank you for sharing it publicly probably wasn't easy but it was helpful. Much success on your new plans :-) and a HAPPY NEW YOU !!!! :-)0
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You are so right you cant do anything about your past but your can make better choices for your future. I sure did, I have chosen to let God lead my future and He is taking me on amazing journeys including my weight and the weight I need to lose. He can help me. I have always ask Him to help me stop eating wrong instead I have to ask Him to take the desire away from me to eat wrong and give me the desire to eat right. You go girl you are on the right track. I am here if you need me.0
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Tarran! I LOVES this *kitten*! this post is AWESOME! Dude, you are a mind-reader. Thank you.0
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I was the golden child soon replaced my crown with a dunce's cap. been wearing it for like a decade. Eff it! I am so done.
Out with the old, on with the new!0 -
how long can a person waste her life feeling self-loathing? I have no idea, let's not find out anymore! Add me as your friend!0
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I'm glad to let you in if it will help!! If you want to add me as a friend feel free. Or you can also follow my blog!
http://www.thisistarran.blogspot.com/0
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