The 3 letter word: S_E_X

THISisTARRAN

Warning: This is personal. So...I have a question for everyone. Men and women included. The only qualifying factor is probably having been in a long term relationship and gaining weight. So...I really need the answer to this. My boyfriend and I just had our baby girl 7 months ago...and since we have known each we have both probably gained like between 80-100 pounds each. Well...we kinda stopped having sex. , not completely, but its like few and far between. My feelings are hurt, I feel no passion, I don't even feel the WANT or desire...I guess I do want to, but my body doesn't want to...if you feel me. And he doesn't try to or anything like that. I know he isn't seeing anyone else...I'm just not sure what to do. But my question is...once you lose weight....or whatever....does that come back? We talked about it and think it has to do with both of us not feeling good about ourselves. Please let me know your thoughts. I'm sad.

kiannlouise

I feel sexier now that I'm losing weight, so I think maybe keep heading in that path and you might get it back>? You could start by buying sexy outfits etc?

Hope that helps!

schpanks

Probably has a lot to do with each of you feeling undesireable due to the weight gain and body insecurities. The question is not really will it get better with weight loss. The question is, what can you do on a daily basis to make yourself and your husband feel more desireable? Yes, losing weight will probably spark some things, but why wait for the weight to drop when you could be doing something sexy for yourself and your husband every day?

galvestongal

It happens...been there done that. Turns out mine was depression along with being so big I felt bad all the time. His was hard to diagnose but was a hormonal issue that was resolved with a doctor visit. Now that I am smaller and feel better and he is back on track it has been great! You can get it back, it's just finding out what the issues are.

literaryshots

Generally the answer to this is yes. It's hard to feel sexy if you're not happy with yourself and therefore feeling less desirable. It sounds like the two of you are able to communicate well which suggests that all you need is to turn around your negative selves and find a way to love who you are and who you're becoming.

Sarean

You should definitely see a rise in your sex drive once you begin losing weight. Eating unhealthy foods and living a sedentary lifestyle does more than make us gain weight, it also messes with our hormones...big time. As you incorporate healthier food choices and exercises in to your life, your endorphins will increase. As you lose weight and build confidence you should feel better about yourself and your partner. Also make sure you're getting plenty of rest, no one wants to have sex when they are exhausted all the time

In the meantime, I would suggest speaking with your OB/GYN about options and your partner may want to have his testosterone levels checks.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, talk to your partner about your feelings. Communicating about these issues is KEY and working through it together will make it all the more satisfying when your sex life is back "on schedule."

sarahliftsUP

I think that once you grow more confident with yourself, you feel sexy and have the desire to want to have sex! Just motivate one another to a more healthy lifestyle. You gained the weight together so you can support each other in losing it too. Once he sees you are confident, the 'spark' will come back.

Make some mini goals... If you lose 10 pounds (or however much you decide), buy a sexy outfit, get your hair done, get a manicure, whatever you decide! Anything that makes you feel good for what you have accomplished.

peggybrant

I feel badly that your sad. Don't be sad. I think it is like you both say that neither of you are happy with yourselves right now and nothing more than that. Your drive will come back! It's hard having a new baby so maybe get a babysitter and plan a date night!

Belle_Fille

same thing is going on here. and it probably wont change (for us) until I lose the weight i need to (he needs to lose some too but doesnt seem to want to) or until there is a way to have sex, fully clothed!

fuhrmeister

I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. I can tell you you're not alone. Since I have gained weight i have less of a desire. I think as long as you and hubby are still thinking about it and talking it will come back when you are feeling physically and mentally better. I wish you lots of luck!

annie_p

I can't really speak for your boyfriend, but since I had my baby (15 months ago) I've wanted NOTHING to do with sex. I've been told it could be my birth control (Mirena IUD) or my hormones still working their way out(which is hard to believe). My husband is a sexaholic(not literally) and would take it every night if he could. I just have NO desire to do it. And weigh less now, or at least the same, as when we met.

That's probably not the answer you were looking for. But babies definitely do change the equation of things. Do I think losing weight will help you? It's a possibility. You feel better about yourself, your boyfriend feels better about himself...so yeah, that might help. It doesn't hurt to give it a shot. But I will say that I've been told it gets better.

helenamonks

Actually, I noticed the same thing, the more I weighed the less we had sex, but every pound I lose makes it more frequent.

Just so you know, the more you weigh, the less your confidence and self esteem is, which has an impact on your libido. When you lose weight your confidence builds up which makes you look more sexy!

tiger87lilly

This is very common.......when you don't feel good about yourself you r sex drive diminishes. In your case you guy just recently had a baby and that too can affect the relationship. The first year after a child is born men typically have a hard time adjusting to sharing the women they once had for their own. And women go through all kinds of hormonal adjustments and realize their bodies will never be the same after children......I have two of my own so I have some experience with this. The best thing to do is keep communicating with each other and LISTEN to one another. You will start to feel more confident when you lose the weight and you'll be back to your old self......maybe better

littlemoron

I don't think it's necessarily the weight that's having an impact on your sex life, but maybe the fact that you now have a daughter, who takes a lot of energy to raise, among probably a lot of other things. Maintaining an awesome sex life takes work, and long-term couples almost always feel like they're not having enough sex.

That said, if you both feel lousy about your bodies, that is likely taking a toll. Over time, eating healthy and exercising can give you a lot of energy, and make you feel sexy and confident. You could always try working out together, in addition to making an effort to do romantic stuff (like having a monthly date night), or switching up your sex routine (try doing it somewhere other than the bedroom!) I just read an article that said that long-term couples forget to flirt with each other, and suggested going to a pub separately and then meeting up and flirting like you just met. Kinda corny, but apparently it's effective!

Anyway, the weight loss thing can only help, especially if you're both supportive of each other. This is something a lot of people experience, but I hope you two find a way out of your rut!!! Good luck!

:flowerforyou:

littlemoron

MemphisMarly

Yes, losing weight will probably spark some things, but why wait for the weight to drop when you could be doing something sexy for yourself and your husband every day?

Good advice. Get hot together in the gym and then get steamy together in the shower!

neebelung

Sounds like there's a couple of things going on here: you're in a LTR, which in ANY LTR, it takes effort and intent to keep the sex spicy. Then you've had a baby; you've got hormonal changes going on, and your partner is reconciling seeing you not just as a woman, but a mommy. So just those factors alone can easily affect a couple's sexlife...Add to that the weight gain you've both had, which might be making you both feel less attractive or less sexy, but ALSO can cause physiological changes.

In men, that weight gain can lower testosterone production (especially if he was once very active, and then got sedentary). You could both also have symptoms of merabolic syndrome.

So in short, don't beat yourself up that things are less-than-steamy right now. You're HERE, so you're obviously trying to get your health back on track. Hopefully your partner is also working toward regainingmhis health as well; if so, I think you'll find things improve long before you reach your goal. As you start to see changes in your body, your self image will improve; when you FEEL sexy, it shows, and he'll take notice. Also, seeing each other working hard can be very sexy. And as your partner loses weight, his testosterone may increase, which of course will make him friskier.

millesun

I feel for you because I was there...every time I wanted it...I worried about how I looked or how sexy I wasn't. Let me tell you something I learned....sex has to start in the brain. Think about being young and flirtying all the time with your boyfriend....do you do that now? Did you dress up, do your hair/make up? Do you do that now? Does he shave for you every day (if you like that) Do you pay attention to your husband.....does he pay attention to you? My sex life sucked before I lost the weight....and it didn't get better just because I lost the weight. I got really depressed about it....and that made it worse. I was ready to leave then I talked to a wonderful old lady who had been married for 50 years. I asked her how did she do it. Her answer was I pay as much attention to my hubby as I want him to pay attention to me. I thought about it and right away sent my hubby pic of my boobs saying I wanted him to play with theoes that night...he came home early from work with flowers and while I was putting dinner away he put the kids to bed and pulled me to bed....I guess my point is put some extra effort into your relationship (something most new mommies forget to do) and you will be happy.

THISisTARRAN

I guess my question is at what point do you give up??? Can it get better? Does anyone have experience with this?

THISisTARRAN

I don't really ever get in the mood. I don't ever feel like it. I don't feel good about how I look either. im not sure what's wrong.

millesun

Honey....your a new mom who has some extra weight. Don't give up it can and will get better. You just need to work for it. Even if you don't feel sexy make a date with your man. Do something you both enjoy...and even if it feels fake flirt with him....it will come back. Really it will...just take time and work! If you wanna (or need to vent) talk more feel free to add me as a friend.

neebelung

I guess my question is at what point do you give up??? Can it get better? Does anyone have experience with this?

In my opinion, you DON'T give up. You open a dialogue with your BF, let him know you're feeling this way, and the two of you work on improving things together.