Stuck in This Suit...Temporarily

stylelush646

I wrote this on a day that I wasn't feeling very confident about myself but I felt that I needed to share this. I know most of you have felt this way before. Please read and comment and I just want to meet others so we can share tips, advice, motivation or if you just want to vent.
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I wouldn’t even know where to begin this story as if I even remember how it began. All I remember is growing up in JR High and always being bigger than most girls in my class. I wasn’t exactly a lot bigger but just noticeable enough to be considered overweight. I maintained my weight stable if you want to call it that through high school and then I ended a waste of a relationship and that’s where the weight I currently have piled on. I’m 23 years old and regrettably I am 240lbs. I’m 5’4, so according to the BMI Index I am morbidly obese. Though I disguise my weight really well with the latest fashion and from the help of my mother’s genes, my weight is distributed evenly. Now don’t misunderstand me I have my major problem areas that being that I have oblique’s on my stomach area. I hate it. Its saddening to me because at my age I should be in the beach wearing a bikini or walking down south beach with my good looking fiancé in some stilettos but I cannot because who wants to see a fat cow in a bikini or a fat chick trying to walk in skinny stilettos? It’s embarrassing and hurts to the core to know what deep down even when you dress in the latest trends and put a big smile on your face that you are unhappy with yourself. For many years I’ve been able to fool people into believing that I love myself as much as I appear to. You would think I would be happy at this point in my life, my relationship is going really well, I’m graduating from college in 2 ½ months and should soon get my own place with my soon to be husband. Although I am ecstatic about those things, I am unhappy with my body. I’m insecure around my boyfriend though he loves me the way I am. But it pains me to know what someone once told him that he could do better than me. All because I am fat. People can be so cruel. Not to sound the least arrogant but I happen to find myself very pretty and if I lost all this fat that surrounds me I would have a great body. I once said God couldn’t give you the whole package. I think I’m a great catch although I’m fat. I undeniably know that my fiancé loves me for me but it sickens me that maybe one day he will sick of looking at a fat slob and move on to a skinny girl. Besides the points and rude remarks I’ve made to myself I want to apologize to those who get offended to what I say. But today, I feel like utter crap and I’m bringing myself down. I had an a-ha moment today, I was lying in bed with my guy and just something he did that sort of made me realize for the gazillion time that I don’t want to continue to kill myself. I’ve made promises to me many times before and though it takes a lot of courage to go on a journey such as weight loss I have to do it for me. Ultimately, I am the one who is important and I want to live a long life. Happy and healthy. I lost 36lbs a few months ago and then stopped my regimen. Now I gained 10lbs back. How discouraging. I just need help. I really love my sister (we are twins) and her own struggle is amazing. She lost 60lbs and she’s continuing her journey as well. It’s hard to lose weight with her though, she’s miles away from me and we know each other so well that it’s like we can’t pick at our weaknesses because they are pretty much the same. However it doesn’t mean she doesn’t boost my self esteem from time to time. So I would like to extend an invitation to all of those that are struggling with the same thing or have accomplished their weight loss – lets help each other. I welcome all of those who can really encourage me as I will try my best to give you the upmost encouragement.

pamhann

I would love to be Friends with you! What you said in your Blog is something every woman Fat or Thin, Tall or Short has felt at somepoint in their life. Remember to Love yourself for who you are, treat yourself as you would treat your dearest friend, Be honest about your flaws but be Kind... You know you have the strenth to lose the weight you've done it before. I made a deal with myself not to cheat. I log everything (because this is something I want to do for myself, If I cheat I will only be cheating myself from something that I deserve) Ofcorse my husband will also benifit from my efforts too.. He already thinks Im the greatest! ( Boy, do I have him fooled) But inthe back of my mind I would love to be his TROPHY wife.. haha

stylelush646

Thanks Pam! Please remember I wrote these words weeks ago when I was feeling really depressed about myself. Rarely do I have these episodes but when they do occur I just get really down. I love myself and though I am overweight I appreciate the beauty I do have. Congrats on your 30+lbs weight loss thus far, keep up the great work.