help needed with bullying co-worker

réalta

hi guys,

i havent been on this site much these days as i am struggling with my self confidence because of my fellow work mate, any advice that you guys have would be greatly appreciated, i am constantly put down by this woman, my husband says that she is threatened by me, i just dont know, she is the manager, i am the assistant manager, it is a small office so there is no getting away from her.

everything i do is wrong, even though that was the way i was taught how to do these tasks, i try to help her with things that she is not good with, and she says that i am telling her what to in front of other people and it makes her look stupid, i do not butt in, only help when she specifically asks for my help, i cannot win with this lady.

i mostly never let people get to me like this, i am having trouble sleeping, i am off today and all i can think about all day is dreading going back to work tomorrow.

thanks for listening you guys, i really wanna get back to my life and i am so upset for letting one person control my feelings like this . . .

réalta

hi guys,

i havent been on this site much these days as i am struggling with my self confidence because of my fellow work mate, any advice that you guys have would be greatly appreciated, i am constantly put down by this woman, my husband says that she is threatened by me, i just dont know, she is the manager, i am the assistant manager, it is a small office so there is no getting away from her.

everything i do is wrong, even though that was the way i was taught how to do these tasks, i try to help her with things that she is not good with, and she says that i am telling her what to in front of other people and it makes her look stupid, i do not butt in, only help when she specifically asks for my help, i cannot win with this lady.

i mostly never let people get to me like this, i am having trouble sleeping, i am off today and all i can think about all day is dreading going back to work tomorrow.

thanks for listening you guys, i really wanna get back to my life and i am so upset for letting one person control my feelings like this . . .

sindyb9

I also had a problem with my manager. I have been in the company for 10 years and she only 1 year. The client would always come to me ( they have for years other managers love that they did not have to deal with it) she was so jelious she would treat me horrible. I let her dig her own grave. The clients noticed how she treated me and went to her boss ( which she blammed me for). Instead of getting fired she gave her notice. I know it is hard to deal with you need to decide if the job is worth it but she will dig her own grave.:flowerforyou:

peej76

First off, do not show her that she intimidates you by her behaviour, because she will take joy in that! I think your husband is right, she is probably threatened, and it sounds like you maybe do a better job and are more knowledgeable, so she's probably feeling that if you want her job, you could get it! And as with all bullies, and people who treat anyone else like they are superior, she probably has a few issues, and it probably makes her feel better to make you feel like crap. She doesn't sound like she's easy to talk with, so I don't know if having a little chat with her would do any good??? Try not to let her control where your life is going to go, if it gets so out of hand, that you just can't deal with it anymore, would switching jobs be an option? If your like me though, you won't do this because it would almost be like letting her "win". Anyway, good luck, and remember nobody deserves to be treated like that in the workplace, you have just as much right to be there earning a living as she does! By the way, love your Rainbrow Bright:flowerforyou:

icandoit

There is always somebody higher up than the manager. Talk to them. Do your job and I think your husband is right.

icandoit

There is always somebody higher up than the manager. Talk to them. Do your job and I think your husband is right.

icandoit

There is always somebody higher up than the manager. Talk to them. Do your job and I think your husband is right.

swyman

A couple of things come to me as I read your post:
I think that a conversation with her is needed. One could assume that she would not be open to such a conversation, but you never know until you try. Talking things out is what mature adults do. She might not seem like a mature adult right now, but you can still be one whether or not she is. When talking to her don't come from what you think she is doing wrong, but talk from your experience. "This is what seems to be happening between the two of us and this is how I'm experiencing it. What is your take?" Not talking about it with her is the surest way to have the patterns continue. We train people how to treat us. Not confronting this is telling her that it is okay to treat you this way.

But if your are going to talk to her it isn't helpful to talk to her from a "victim" place or a "one-down" place. Yes, she is your manager, but this is about the way that one human being talks to and treats another. Regarding that there is no hierarchy. So I encourage you to explore in yourself what she hooks in you. Does she remind you of someone in your family of origin? (Your mother for example.) Are you replicating a relational pattern that has been in your life before? There is this process called, "Repeat to Complete" where we will continue to cycle into and out of a pattern until we "grow up" beyond it. So seek to understand why you give your power away to her. Or to say it another way, seek to understand how and why you "deflate" around her -- suddenly you've become an 8 year old emotionally, instead of the adult that you really are. I don't know if that is an issue for you, but check it out.

This is a difficult situation. That it affects you so intensely most likely means that there is something here for you to learn from and grow through. Oh I know that some people don't like that concept. But the truth is in my experience that all my relationships and interactions are mirrors reflecting where in me I have some healing and growing to do.

Good luck with this!

dhayes

I agree with Sindi and Peej She is a bully and will eventually dig her own grave. But you may not be willing or able to wait for that to happen. So as with most bullies she is probably actually a coward...confront her do it in private the first time telll her you do not mind covering her backside, but she needs to stop belittling you.

If this doesn't stop her I would then make it a point to loudly and truthfully "help her". In short do exactly what she is afraid of SHOW HER DUMB *kitten* UP. Ask in a nice way "didn't I show you how to do that yesterday?" Smiling all the time tell her "You know how how hard it is (for MOST people) to learn that particular task" but just keep smiling so you can't be seen as insubordinate. Believe me she will either stop asking for your help, stop belittling you, or go find a new job.

When feeling intimidated by this person try imagining them in a silly situation. In a Beany hat licking a lollipop, or naked in the office.

Above all try not to let any one control how you feel or keep you away from this site :flowerforyou:

thalli1

I really agree with swyman in that you should confront her in a positive cooperative way. I've learned that whenever people "push my buttons" it's usually about me, and I have to look at myself for an answer. In other words, they can't push my buttons unless I let them or get hooked into their behavior. I'd try doing a little self-reflection to see why I would even allow one of those belittling comments without standing up for myself. I really agree that you teach people how to treat you, and if you are letting yourself be mistreated that's about you, not your co-worker. You can never control another persons' misdeeds, but you always can control how you react or fail to react. Everybody deserves to be treated with respect, and you shouldn't be afraid to confront somebody who isn't giving you that. Good luck.:flowerforyou:

réalta

thanks everyone,

this person is very immature, is always having her own way, and isnt somebody who you can talk to rationally, she actually reminds me of my dad, who i no longer have a relationship with, so maybe i am reverting back to being a child and not being able to stand up for myself, im not sure :ohwell:

i am partly to blame for letting someone get to me this much, i should be able to be more assertive

but it is just EVERY day that this goes on, its never ending, a constant battle . . . . any1 got any confidence techniques, if i cannot change her, which i dont want to do, maybe i can be a better person myself, ya know? :blushing:

Nich0le

As a former manager and assistant manager I can tell you personality differences definitely make problems in management teams, sometimes because the people are more alike than they would like to think.

My suggestion is that you go to her and ask for some sit down time. Make a list of any problems you are having and also any possible solutions (other than telling her off or quitting your job) to help you work together as a team. Keep notes and give it 30 days to really get put into action. Change is not easy for many people.

If after 30 days you are still being treated poorly you need to go to her boss and HR and let them know about your discussion with her, the poor treatment and express a great desire to make it work (keeps you from looking like the actual problem) and request a meeting between her, you and at least the HR person.

I had to do this when I was an assitant manager and I was happily suprised when HR and my district manager told the manager (who had been with the company less time than me) that she needed to listen to me respectfully because I had been running the store before she came and I was her best tool. Thankfully I got promoted about a month later so I didn't have to go past that, but she did end up losing her job because she was stubborn and unwilling to work with any assistant manager as a team.

You have to give it your all until it is resolved, you don't want to give her any reason to say you are not doing your job. If she tells you to do it differently than the way you were trained, do it and thank her for showing you another way to get it done. You need to let her know in your conversation that you have been trained to do things differently than the way she is asking for things to be done and let her know you appreciate the help.

If you are already at the point that you are dreading work you need to have this conversation sooner rather than later, like this week. Go someplace neutral for the meeting, a restaurant or coffee shop, someplace where you will both be aware of staying calm and collected.

Good luck, if a conversation with her doesn't work you need to pull HR in, there is no reason why you should leave your job because someone else doesn't play well with others, but make sure you are doing everything you can to work as a team, unfortunately it is part of the job, kissing butt :grumble: for anyone trying to move up! LEt us know how it goes!

sindyb9

thanks everyone,

this person is very immature, is always having her own way, and isnt somebody who you can talk to rationally, she actually reminds me of my dad, who i no longer have a relationship with, so maybe i am reverting back to being a child and not being able to stand up for myself, im not sure :ohwell:

i am partly to blame for letting someone get to me this much, i should be able to be more assertive

but it is just EVERY day that this goes on, its never ending, a constant battle . . . . any1 got any confidence techniques, if i cannot change her, which i dont want to do, maybe i can be a better person myself, ya know? :blushing:

Even though the person I was having trouble with was immature, I did not let her disrespect me. I had to stand up for myself. If I know I did the job correctly and she was trying to blame me in front of people I would respectfully correct her. I did have a private talk with her and told her how I felt, but like you said she was immature and I did not get any where. Her boss was so mad at me I did not go to her before a client did so that may be an option to go to her boss. I know it is very difficult to deal with someone like that, but you dont have to be her friend, just work with her dont let her upset you. :flowerforyou: