A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

tamheath

Oldie, but a goodie. NOOOOO, it's not true - you can't just pick up diamonds off the floor - you gotta work out! But it's a good laugh. :laugh:


A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM


This is dedicated to everyone who ever started a
regular workout routine

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape
since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.



I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for
me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!


Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:

*kitten* was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the toilet. He sent some skinny ***** to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________

FRIDAY:
I hate that *kitten* Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a Mars Bar.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
________________________________

SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made
me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would
have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!