I'm Of Control-I Just Purged My Dinner Up From Guilt

jn13

I am ashamed to admit this

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but this is what this forum is here for, right? I went out to dinner with my husband (29yrs old, trim and eats whatever he wants.) I panicked when he suggested we go for dinner. How was I going to count the calories and make my numbers today if I didn't know everything in the food? We went to a lovely, organic Middle Eastern cafe. I ordered a salad bowl---but it still had couscous, sauces, potatoes......................and I had a carrot/orange/apple fresh juice. Bad for calories due to sugar and carbs---Then we went to Baskin Robbins----I order 1 scoop in a cup of no sugar added low fat lemon pie ice cream. I came home and felt like I wanted to cry. And then I purged.........................and felt guilty, humiliated and out of control. But the sick thing is, I felt, in a masochistic way, proud that I had gotten rid of the "bad stuff." So, how the hell am I ever going to eat normally unless it has a barcode and I can plug it into my phone App? I also didn't exercise today (I was to spin for 45 minutes.) Another FAIL. On Sunday, I am on a week-long vacation with my husband where we'll be dining out. I am terrified of becoming a bulimic----I am starving----but when I eat, the failure is too painful. What can I do? Anyone?

shannon_stallone

Coming from a person who used to purge in high school, its so bad for your body. It's totally ok to indulge once and awhile you will drive yourself crazy. Tomorrow is a brand new day to start over eating right and working out..Don't get down on yourself Keep your chin up

ckgis4me

I can't give you the answers, but I do have experience in this area. For at least 15 years of my life i consistantly purged the food I ate. I wasn't a binger as much as a purger. Now I am paying the price. I have worn out the enamel on the back of my top and bottom teeth, I am having throat problems as well. It was not easy to stop, but I can say that I haven't purged in about a year. I am forty, I know better, but the control is the hardest part to overcome. No matter how much better you feel afterwards (and I know), it is not worth what you will do to your body.

Just know that we are not perfect. We will have off days. Stay strong today, for a better self tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you.

amydcarlson

Have you done this before? Maybe you should talk to a professional, especially if you are really feeling that out of control. God bless you, and I hope you get this all sorted out. You don't have to be embarrassed or guilty, just get healthy. :flowerforyou:

Lstrode

Oh my gosh.. this worried me. Please don't make purging a habit. That will send you on a path that can be severely damaging. Major health problems. Tooth decay from all the acid. Count today as an "oops" day, and move on. I have only been doing this for about 1 1/2 weeks, and being OCD, I also panic when I don't have the nutritional information to put in. Every day can't be perfect. Just do your best. Make up for it tomorrow. Remind your husband that even though you go on vacation, you still want to stick to your healthy eating. When you go to a restaurant, ask for a nutrition guide. Most places have them. If you know ahead of time where you might be eating, try to pull the info up online, and make plans. Try to plan meals ahead so that there is no panic. If there is no info available, just try to order sensibly. Don't deprive yourself.. if there is something you really want, have it. Just have a small portion. If I deprive myself of something, it just makes me want it more, then I eat too much of it. I wish you the best of luck!

strandedeyes

I can not say I completely understand where you are coming from but I do agree that failure is painful...with that being said...I think your first step is to breath...and regroup. After that...look at this list of things you could try to help yourself in the future and I hope you have a worry free vacation...

1. Talk to your husband about places to eat and what not. This way, when he suggests something, he may be able to gear it towards a more healthier place.

2. Try to set a schedule for your workouts (kind of like doctor's appointments) and stick to them. Don't just schedule in going to the gym...schedule in some sit ups or push ups that you can do on your bedroom floor. Simple things along with gym classes.

3. When on vacation, look for the healthier options and just eat only a portion of it. Ask for a doggie bag before hand so you can pack up half of your meal and not even think about it while eating (this helps me A LOT). Just keep reminding yourself portions, portions, portions.

4. Don't be afraid to slip up. I am not suggesting to slip up everyday, but don't be afraid if it happens. I slipped up tonight and I found myself stressing so much over it that I felt sick. Then, after sending a text to one of my fitness friends, she reminded me that its okay, and it is.

5. Enjoy your vacation! Keep active on your vacation and don't just sit around the pool. Try to see if there are any activities you can do that keeps you moving. This way you are burning some calories.

Keep breathing and know it will be okay. Don't stress too much and you know many of us on here are here for you if you need to vent it out.

tcmommy22

I've always heard that the salads when you eat out may be even more calories than an actual dinner plate. I'm ALWAYS starving an hour after eating a salad anyways. Seems like you need to choose foods that help you feel satisfied. I usually do the high fiber foods...just google and you can pick ones you'd like. If you know you're going out to eat def. make sure you fit in a great workout so you know that whatever you eat after won't effect you as much. For the vaca you and your hubby can go on walks together everyday morning/night. It would be romantic. Even if you don't get your heart rate up, you're moving...or even swim some laps in a pool...great workout!

As far as the bulimia, I would stop now before you make it a habit. It's not good for your body. All the acidic juices in your stomach are being expelled into your esophagus eating at it. You'll end up with ulcers and even worse complications to your health...just google it and do a little research, I bet you'll never do it again. It's not worth your health. Hope this helped and please take care of yourself! :flowerforyou:

rowdydrow

It actually sounds like you did pretty good @ what you ate!!! You have to stop kicking & punishing yourself or you are doomed to fail. You have got to remember that Rome was not built in a day and neither was your body. You have to love yourself first before you can succeed. If you stick to your game plan you should allow yourself some cheat days for deviation. Healthy eating is more about making better choices of what to eat, not starving yourself. Number one thing carbs are not bad for you, over comsumption of empty carbs (fiberless) is what causes weight gain. If you don't have a strength training routine, you should. Nothing serious just light weight and high reps to the extent that you break a sweat. Additional muscle will create a better metabolic engine by raising your BMR. Here's the reality, you will mess up and have failures. In your mind you lost a battle but healthy living is a war. Pick yourself up and forget about today and try to do your best each day. Just take it one day at a time and you will succeed. One last thing, nutrition is probably the single most important aspect of a healthy life style. Purging is one of the worst things you can to to yourself mentally and physically...you have to knock that off. I hope this help you & best of luck you...you can do it, you just have to want it.:drinker:

fitnesspirateninja

I don't think you need to be ashamed, but I do think it's important to get help. A forum can offer you support, but we can't help you resolve these issues. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time right now, and I hope you are able to find a good therapist or someone else who can help you work through this.

jn13

First: Thank you all for your amazing kindness and understanding.....as well as sound advice. I know this is a battle---I have been fighting a weight battle for so long----I can't live my life like this anymore. Eating for me=guilt. I purged several years ago---and all of you are right----my throat began to hurt and I could see how this was stupid and dangerous. But like everything in my life, I keep repeating my food/diet mistakes. I swear never to resort to "this" or "that" and then I find myself doing "this or that" again. I am in therapy. I've been in therapy for 4 years

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I have body dysmorphia and eat because I get depressed and lonesome. I'm sorry I'm such a downer----this IS a bad night. Tomorrow IS a new day. And you guys are lovely and shouldn't be getting freaked out by a stranger who lost her cool. Thanks for your good wishes...........until tomorrow, right?

X

CallejaFairey

my thought is, don't beat yourself up over eating out. it sounded like you had a pretty good meal, and a nice treat, which you still made sure to choose no sugar and low fat. when eating out, you can always ask about ingredients, and ask them to leave certain things out, or in the case of sauces, have them on the side. this way you can control how much of it you use. there is nothing that says you need to eat everything on your plate either.

your vacation next week, are you going away? so that you will be eating out for every meal? you can always plan breakfasts in your hotel room, as most hotel rooms have at least a mini bar. keep a box of cereal, some fruit and soymilk. there are ways to make it easier on yourself also keep veggies in it, and each day take a baggie of them with you as you go out and do your vacationy things, then when you do go to eat meals, you won't be as hungry.

it sounds like you just need to take a few deep breaths, and think about why you are trying to eat healthy. remind yourself that all the good stuff you are doing for your body right now would mean nothing if you started purging. no amount of weight lose is worth what that can do to your body. true, overindulging when going out can throw your plan right out the window, but with how worried you are about it, i think you will do fine. also, make more informed choices on where you go to eat out. if your husband wants to go somewhere where you know it will be hard for you to find something that will fit into your plan, well, give him a little poke! those skinny men who can eat whatever they want never understand, but if you tell him about your fears, i am sure he will be more than happy to stick with places that will have many more choices for you.

eating out is not the enemy, really it isn't. it sure isn't as easy for those of use watching what we eat, but it is doable. with just a little planning, you should be able to not only eat fine on your vacation, but enjoy yourself as well, otherwise what's the point of a vacation right? lol

crazycat828

That's why there's a Weekly Goal. You can balance out the day if you slip up.

I congratulate you for your sensible choices in a tough situation. If I'm out to dinner and having a hard time balancing my protein carbs and healthy fats, I pick something reasonable and think to myself I'll just eat half now and the other half in three hours.
That's the formula I'm using. It's easier to hold back on eating too much at a time if you know another meal is just 3 hours away.

5 x 300 cal balanced meals a day, three hours in between. Don't eat 3 hours before bed.

If I slip I just mentally pick myself up and think "at least I don't have to start all over at my highest weight"

Please don't purge. Does your husband know that you are trying to trim down? Order one meal to share?

crazycat828

jn13

Thanks for the thoughts. I think halving a portion would be wise.......it's that out of control/denial thing whilst in the moment. My husband DOES know I'm desperate to lose weight........and supports me fully. But he won't share a meal with me----he is always so hungry and THIN. I don't know how to talk to him--I'm ashamed that he married someone out of control----I even change in the bathroom---I'd be devastated if he saw me undressed

PS: Congrats on your amazing caloric loss thus far....you are totally what this forum is about..............inspiration.

X

Thanatos796

heya, saw a friend of mine posted on this, and I would say don't worry about being exact if you eat out and they don't have the exact thing. The database is amazing, I looked up couscous after reading your post and there is a couscous salad listed. I eat out and have not found anything I have eaten out that is not in the database already. or close enough, tonight I ate a thin crust little caesars pizza, had ham and pinepple on it, well found a ham and cheese little caesars thin crust in the database. put that in know I am a few calories over due t the pinaeapple, but gives me an idea of what I have eaten. But what I wanted to remind you is there are Droid and Iphone apps for this. and if you don't have either of those but have a webbrowser on your phone can access the site directly, Whip outyour phone and calculate what you ate. and I don't know you or your husband, but seems to me if a husband was embarressed by how you look he would not take you out in the first place *S*. but no more puking mkay?

kettlewitch

I think that it is easy to panic about holidays but maybe not justified. I rarely gain weight when I'm away because I am dong so much more. I went on a cruise to Norway and Iceland last year- 24/7 food and amazing cocktails ( yum yum!) and I really did eat and drink whatever I wanted. And I wanted a lot. But as all the ports were at the bottom of hills and mountains and I had to walk a lot to get to the lovely lovely shops, I didn't gain any weight at all. Going to Ireland this year and will be spending time with my mother in law (so wine is going to be very hard to avoid as a glass will be put in my hands at every available opportunity) so I will be taking advantage of my new found fitness and walking walking walking! Good luck

n1gandhi

if you feel overwhelmed and are not sure how to actually get over this constant cycle of fear or binge/purging i recommend reading a book by Kathryn Hansen called "Brain over Binge"... it gave me a totally different perspective on my disorderly eating.. best wishes!